My bonus daughters mom never sends her back in the clothes we get her: Advice?

So I have an eight-year-old bonus daughter and also children of my own. I make sure they all have nice clothes. I never send them anywhere in anything I wouldn’t wear myself in public. My bonus mom sends her over in dirty, ripped clothes. She would send her over with no jacket or shoes in the winter also. She got mad today because Her dad didn’t send her home in a specific pair of shoes that WE had bought her, claiming that she bought them. Might I add that we sent her back in the shoes she wore over from her mom’s? I sent her to school one day in a pair of brand new Adidas shoes and never seen them again for a whole year. She kept them at her house and said she bought those. Several times, she has stayed the night with us, and I would get her off to school; she would be suppose to be coming back to our house that evening. Her mom would check her out, put her in a different pair of old wore down shoes, then drop her off at my house. She bashes my husband on FB saying he does nothing for his child even though he pays child support and also takes care of her when she’s with us. I’m not trying to sound dramatic but idk what to do. It’s so aggravating to work hard to keep a child with nice clothes, for someone act this way! I’m steadily having to buy her extra clothes bc we can’t keep any at our house and I can’t really do anything about it. Any advice?!

What you said is exactly right. You can’t do anything about it. It’s better to brush it off and take it with a grain of salt. The first thing they taught us in co-parenting classes was to never purposely send a kid back to the other home in dirty or less than clothes just because you are afraid or know you will never get those items back or they will be ruined. It is noticeable by the child when they are sent in a condition different from which they live at one house to another.
You can definitely put name labels and initials in the clothes and shoes but honestly it could just initiate more conflicts. My kids father/baby momma always send the kids back in clothes that are a little to worn and are obviously too small and i rarely see the clothes i sent them in ever again.

BUT i try to look at it positively as it allows me to get rid of the old clothes that don’t fit good, and i know that by sending them in good clothes that end up staying there, that they have clothes over at the other house that are clean and fit. It’s a form of sacrifice to make sure the kids are provided for and taken care of in both houses. But i also know that their dad can’t afford to get them new clothes and toys and diapers (he is also behind on support).

I always send extra clothes and toys, or at one point when their dad bought a new house and i knew didn’t have furniture for the kids i bought myself new beds for them and was casually like “oh we decided to upgrade their stuff/ the furniture just didn’t fit as well as the new stuff does in the space/etc did you want it?” So he didn’t feel like he was getting donations and i knew they had safe cribs to sleep in. Their favorite plushy they can’t sleep without? Mommy ordered a couple extras (unknown to them) to hide in the closet in case they forget them or they get lost at daddy’s so they still have them at mommy’s. You might do that with some of your daughters stuff like favorite shoes or clothes.

Kids notice eventually the difference in households and how they are sent back. Your daughter will notice as she gets older that mommy doesn’t let her wear her nice stuff back to other moms house and will slowly figure out why. It will have a big impact on her how you handle and react to it. This way she knows her other mommy takes care of her.

Her mom might be using the child support for things that really don’t benefit the child at all (completely wrong but often hard to prove and hard to get courts to react to), so she might really need those items you send her in, at her moms house or else she won’t get them any other way. It maybe the only way she has fitting clothes over there.

It is frustrating and hard and it is an unfair impact on you that you did not choose. But its like fighting fire with fire if you continue to try and argue or bring it up and you will feel much better mentally/emotionally to just go with the flow and view it as a benefit to your daughter in the long run.