My boyfriend has told me to sleep with other people if i need to

Back story

He’s on antidepressants and they make him unable to have sex or enjoy it
He is working with his doctor now to make it better but he told me I have made him feel bad by bringing it up and I have needs that he can’t provide so why should I suffer because of him ? I would never do that to him . We have a history of cheating a long time ago I’m our relationship that we both grew from and that’s why it kind of triggers me .
I asked him more information because I want him to be sure that he knows what he’s saying(I wouldn’t ever !) and he says he would be upset but who is he to stop me when I have needs he can’t provide . Now he’s in this mindset that anytime I have a issue he thinks I think he does nothing for me . How can I be more encouraging and get it across that I just want to be close to him not other people and make this easier on him. We both aren’t perfect and communication is iffy but we love each other and I want to get better . Any advice ?


I would just communicate that with him. Tell him that’s not what you want, you just want to be with him. I’m sure from his side he thinks you’re suffering because of it but really all you can do is tell him that’s not at all what you want, that as of right now you’re fine

News flash! He can please you many ways! If he can’t get an erection, why can’t he go d0wn or bring some toys into the equation? If his meds are taking away all of his desire, wtf is the point? Even if he doesn’t have that desire, his love and respect for you should be enough for him to do whatever he can to please you sexually and emotionally!

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My boyfriend has told me to sleep with other people if i need to

Toys, try new ways of touching, there are so many other sexual styles y’all can experience/experiment with. Get some books, tapes…


I’d say try just being sexy for him. maybe it turns you on. let him watch you. if you can get down with that without being embarrassed


Buy a vibrator. Tell him you’re buying one and you won’t be sleeping with anyone. Tell him you’d rather sleep with him or no one at all. It will probably make him feel good.


You said you said to him that you want him to be sure that he knows what your saying? That sounds to me like you were saying ok if you said I can then I will. That’s why he is probably feeling like a failure. If that was me I would have said why would you say that I would never do that. What ever time it takes we will get through it together. I would be more mindful of the words you use. I guarantee when he feels less pressure and knows you are there for him he will be able to preform better.


There are things you can do that don’t involve a erect penis. :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye: Tell him use his tongue and hands :point_down:. There now you are satisfied. If he gets erect durring take advantage of it.

Le sigh. Going thru this currently w my wife and have w others in the past. Legit, the only thing you can do is either sleep w someone else or deal w it. 9.5/10 meds in that category cause the problem he is having. There is nothing he can physically do to help it. If he’s to be on these meds long term, it sounds like y’all have some discussing to do

Get a vibrator and ask him to use it with you

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I’m sorry it really sounds like he’s emotionally immature and playing some mind games. Have you two been to counseling ever? Because point blank: he can provide sexual pleasure to you, he just isn’t trying. Toys etc are different but if he really wanted to… just using his hand isn’t so hard. Sorry. This guy sounds selfish and self pitying. You haven’t been obsessing over it but given the history, this is concerning he isn’t focused on you more… you’re being encouraging, you’re aware and you’re communicating…. He’s not… so to answer your question: the problem isn’t you.


I wish my husband would give me permission :joy::joy:


Why ask more info or if he’s sure??? Not very encouraging for him


yes, this is very confusing, I can understand your point, I am guessing with what you said. But if you love him & him you…maybe, how about both of you going into couple therapy together?


If you can’t understand your spouse going through this to the point he’s suggested you sleeping around is highly concerning. Time to grow up and realize sex doesn’t make or break your relationship especially with medication ect. Get a toy and tell him it’s okay? Please either be more supportive or move out of the way of his potential happiness.

Not much advise other than its the depression making him say that. If you do it (which it sounds like you have no intention on) it will push him farther into his depression.


Anti depressants kill your sex life sadly but it sounds like he’s still depressed and feels guilty for not performing in bed
If you love each other you will get through this.
Talk to him. Make him understand you love him and dont want to be with anyone else. That there is no pressure to perform in bed. There is more to a relationship than sex …on saying that you have needs…we all know theres more than one way to skin a cat…work on it together. Theres always oral and toys…he can still satisfy you in bed till he gets his meds and mood sorted out .

There are other ways he could help you out. Unless you strictly want that one thing he can’t provide. Saying he can’t provide you what you need is lazy in my opinion. There are so many other ways… But I’m a woman married to a woman, so… I don’t worry about that one part that isn’t working so great for him, but I do know there’s great alternatives lol :woman_shrugging: I also understand he has depression (I’ve stopped taking depression/anxiety meds literally because they killed my libido) maybe he just needs some encouragement, to feel loved and wanted?? Maybe you guys need to have a deeper conversation and dive into your communication errors before this is something that could get resolved with other suggestions.


Tried adding toys to the mixture? Invite him to watch if that’s really what he wants?

Idk- people got all sorts of kinks, ask what you can do together


Seems he doesn’t want ANY type of sexual contact and this seems like a malicious compliance situation. He is 100% capable of helping you sexually achieve WITHOUT needing to be erect or orgasm himself. Acting passive aggressive and telling you to seek others is a PERFECT way to have you go elsewhere, get angry when ya do, and split up. Tell him all this. If he will not do ANYTHING with you physically, I’d be out.


Does he kiss you, cuddle with you, give you oral? Would he use a toy with you? That would sure enough work for me! :grin:


He has a tongue and fingers right … he doesn’t just have to use his knob lol …


It’s the depression and mental illness talk he doesn’t really mean it. He would probably be upset despite trying to encourage it. Get toys is all I could suggest


Stop making him feel like shit? :woman_shrugging:

Experiment! Bring toys into play let him take control of them so then he feels useful. Maybe talk about a poly relationship where you bring another person into the mix with both of your consent, if that’s something that you both want. Explore and find something that works for you BOTH X

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Get him to use his tongue and fingers be inventive makes it better.

Just get a toy stay faithful


Buy some toys he is obviously going through some stuff


Married to a combat vet who is on antidepressants- trust me, there is plenty he can do if he wanted to. Communication is key, tell him what you’d like. If he balks at alternatives, his problem goes deeper than ED


What?! Sounds like a excuse to dump you when you actually do…

Maybe he doesn’t want to say I don’t want to be you anymore and looking for a easy way out of it.

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Maybe your concern should not be sex but finding ways to make sure he is happier and not depressed so he doesn’t need antidepressants. Whatever is making him miserable, you putting pressure on him to preform and him not being able to just makes his depression worse. If my husband became depressed I would take it personally, and do my best to help him deal w the issues causing his depression.

You seem really hung up on the “I would never ever cheat!!!” Nonsense when really, plenty of people function in open relationships. I would first figure out is he giving you permission bc of the meds or bc of the relationship? Is sex a deal breaker for you? Can you have casual interactions ?

Also you can’t reprogram his brain. Maybe stop approaching him with your issues if he’s on a down swing. You both need some therapy bc it sounds like he has some things he’s working on and his work makes you feel like you need to fix him/things.

N0… get toys & let him watch you or send videos… but don’t step out,especially with him saying it on depression meds… he may mean it now, but won’t feel this way once his meds are balanced & hes back on track…


There’s two different issues going on. The meds can cause him to be physically unable to do what he did before in the bedroom. But the meds AND the depression can cause him to be unable to “get into the mood” for any other intimacy. It’s NOT laziness nor does it mean he cares any less about meeting your needs. He legitimately can not get there. He’s probably already exacerbating things in his mind because of his current physical inability. None of that helps you! First, I would suggest that because you love him, his mental health probably comes before your sexual needs so understand that depression is an ongoing battle and you BOTH need to acknowledge that. I have no idea where he is in his journey but if this is a new-ish issue, he’s probably still trying to get a handle on it. I would (for now) reassure him that you care more about getting him back to health so you will leave it to him to initiate if he’s feeling he can.
Be proactive. You can take care of yourself without involving him right now - if doing so emasculates him since he seems to feel bad about not being able to meet your needs. Usually someone being treated for depression sees a counselor (talk therapy) and a psychologist or other mental health doctor (chemical therapy). See if he’s ok with you participating with the doctor at times to discuss the side effects of the meds. There may be options without the same issues and he may be embarrassed to bring this up.
This is a real problem and a lot of people face it. Face it TOGETHER- let him know that you are with him and you know this is not his fault. But remember it’s not your fault either!


Why can’t you play without the intercourse? He is perfectly capable of meeting your needs.


Seriously get lush toys. You’ll thank me. When you both work and have kids and not a lot of time…these toys are f*cking amazing. Would help til he figures out which medication works etc

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Whoever is laughing is an asshole.

This is a very common occurrence. Medication can wage war with the body. See what he and his doctor can come up with; in the meantime, there are many more ways to be sexually satisfied than just sex, and most likely this is just a temporary pause. Good luck to you both, I genuinely hope the medications work well for him. For you, find what else than just sex you like. Experiment. Take this time to learn other things together

Support him on this journey.


I am also on a crap ton of meds do the same to me. As a female I tried lube and faking it. Now… nope just not worth my time and the mess. He watches porn and does whatever he does. Works for us.

Not all these women telling a man to just do it bc she wants it. If the roles were switched yall would be whistling a different tune. Even if he was capable and didnt want to. No means no. Dating married or single. Wtf :smiling_face_with_tear: sounds like you need couples counseling to see what can be done before you listen to what a depressed person is possibly only saying because they love you. Just my thoughts


Just sleep with someone else if he gave you permission or use toys. He’s not capable of meeting your needs right now and it’s not his fault, I’m in your parters shoes right now. I have bad depression and most of the time I don’t want to have sex or even think about sex, I don’t want to do oral or give a HJ. I want to sit here, on my couch, and watch a movie with my kid. That’s it. I’ve told my boyfriend multiple times that he can seek someone out to help with his wants, and I assure you I’m serious about it. The worst thing you can do is pressuring him into having sex with you when he has expressed that he doesn’t want to, please just be patient with him and work something else out.

Can he not give you attention with his tongue and a toy? Still get the intimacy and you get your release


There are so many other ways to be intimate.


It sounds like he is feeling bad about not being able to perform AND that just adds to his depression.If you truly love him you need to let him know that you’re not interested in another guy and only want him both as a companion and sexually.There are so many other ways to be intimate so buy toys he can use on you and tell him to step up with the tongue action! There is a good chance this is just a bump in the road for you guys and won’t last forever and im sure if he truly cares about you he won’t actually want you with other men and will be glad you are standing by his side and :eggplant: isn’t everything to you.If he isn’t willing to “help” you get through this too I would wonder why he is quick to give up.Seriously,just talk!

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No need to sort with anyone else when there are so many toy options available.

Stay faithful he’s just really depressed :pensive:

Get some toys. Play with yourself in front of him it might help turn him on. Stand by his side help him through his battle. Even tho he gave u permission to sleep with other men and u do it might make him worse

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Provide support, stay faithful.


There are other things he can do to satisfy you, if he wants to. If not, do it yourself in private.

If you really have no interest in stepping out than you should have shot it down and reassured him as soon as he mentioned it… not asked for more information. Asking for more information or clarification on you being “able” to step out definitely could have made him way more insecure… and probably didn’t help his depression.

Or maybe he is looking for an easy out :woman_shrugging:. You should probably have a talk with him that doesnt involve his permission to sleep with other men.


My hubs and I have been on this journey for 15 years. It’s not always easy.
It seems this is a newer diagnosis bc at this point, my husband would never say that. Depression is a daily battle for both of in very different ways. I do suggest meeting with his therapist, maybe once a month, bc his brain chemistry is being changed, he may not see what you do. Remind your bf, you want to help him, he’s not weak or broken. Things are different and you’ll figure it out, together.
Reinforce that you don’t think he’s weak or less than or not man enough. He’s feeling inadequate bc he can’t fulfill a need you have. It’s not personal. He legit can not do it. He doesn’t get the same neurons firing right now.
Not gonna lie, the first few years were REALLY hard bc I didn’t understand and neither did he. I felt like I was begging. It takes patience, reassurance and lots of research to find a path for you two. I can’t stress enough, remind him why you love him. All the time. Reinforce your feelings with whatever ressonates with him.
You’ll learn, intimacy isn’t always about sex. Study, research and most important, TALK to each other.
One day at a time and put it the work, he’ll get through this and so will you.

That is purely depression talk. He is down and giving up and not feeling worthy of anything. Spend time with him to work through it. Get toys, play intimate games, have fun together. Practice intimacy without sex. Practice pleasuring eachother without sex.

If you know he’s working on it woth his doctor maybe try NOT bringing it up? Get some toys for yourself and be supportive.


Just get a toy. Put yourself in his shoes. There is other intimacy then sex

Sounds like you are probably bringing the issue up a lot.


Buy some toys play around in the bedroom with new stuff foreplay can be good for you also , I wouldn’t sleep with other people if you do whether he said or not the trust will be gone and when he does get back to normal your sex life will die. I’m sure he feels like crap over it I know when I was on them I did but I switched and no problems now

Don’t bring it up. You say you want to encourage him…but he gets mad when you bring it up??? Support him. Love isn’t about sex.

Have you thought other ways to be intimate? Maybe a night of adult movies and some toys? Something that maybe he can watch while you take care of your needs?

Well there are a few options…

  1. He could use his hands, tongue, or a toy.

  2. If he isn’t interested in any of those things, YOU could use your hand or a toy.

  3. You guys could have a convo with his Dr. about switching up meds.

  4. You two can have a real convo about what it is you are both wanting from the relationship. If he just flat out doesn’t want to be intimate with you and has no intentions of changing that, or at least trying, then you need to have a long thought about what it is that YOU want from the relationship and whether you are ok with a life without sexual intimacy.

For me personally I don’t believe cheating is ever the answer. You make it sound as though it will hurt him so I really don’t think that is the answer. If he was completely fine with it and you were too, then for you guys that could be the perfect solution but I don’t think in your case it is. Try to work with him on finding a better solution.


Alot of great advice on here but do know antidepressant can effect him not being in the mood or getting it up. Also male sure its not a guilt trip and make sure he’s not cheating. Some guys use it as an excuse because they are getting else were. Also your not responsible for someone else’s mental state. If you choose to walk away it’s perfectly understandable.


Deal with it, they make toys. I bought my husband toys when I was going through the same thing which lasted a whole year we had sex maybe 20 times that year, my husband maked me feel bad about it saying that he doesn’t feel loved ect. You do not need a man to pleasure you, he can not control what’s happening to his body unless he goes off his meds but that’s dangerous. Sex probably isn’t even on his mind don’t bother him about it because he’s probably already really self conscious about his problems. If you actually love him you’ll learn to work through this but also respect him, it’ll be tough but it’s only for a little while until they try different meds after that he might become an animal lol

Bringing others into a relationship is a sure way to lose your partner over time


Buy a vibrator? It concerns me that yalls first thought is to go sleep with other people. Sounds like an immature and still toxic relationship.


Couples therapy. He sounds depressed


There’s plenty of different medications on the market. Ask to change the medicine if this is one of the side effects. If he doesn’t want to change the medicine. Or see a different doctor you may have other problems that he is not talking about

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couples counceling may help or even ask to see his therapist woth him so the therapist can help. yanno I dont mean to sound nasty but there are adult toys to help with this and he can be an active participant in that fun.


Being depressed can lead people to let the worst outcomes happen because they feel that the outer person is so unhappy and the thing that would hurt them more than cheating would be to see how hurt or upset their loved one is. I think a lot of people are right that you bring it up or ask a lot more than you need, not that that’s your intentions! I think instead definitely get toys for yourself and then for him instead of asking what you can do for him or how he feels just be more affectionate than usual. Hug him more, hold him more, tell him more of why you love him, get him little surprises here and there like his favorite snacks or honestly some guys really do like flowers themselves. I think it’s really important for him to feel and know that he is wanted, again not that you’re not doing that already! I just think doing that little extra for him rn will really help his view of his self worth :slightly_smiling_face:


I support the toys idea. Maybe his depression will start to improve just enough he can like rub on you while you do your thing, and then from there take it day by day.


Oh and FYI it’s not cheating if you’ve got permission Idk where you and all these people got the idea it’s cheating. You have permission even though neither of you wants to.


Think you both need to sit down and have a real deep discussion about the whole relationship, there are other ways of sexual intimacy you can do apart from the obvious, you both need to communicate to each other about how you really feel in all aspects of the current situation


He’s depressed. Idk how long he’s been on those meds but it may be time for a dose change or need change altogether. How long has he been down like this? Is it recent? Is he also in therapy? Personally I wouldn’t do it even with his “permission”. Depression screws with your head, right now he’s feeling less than and that’s why he’s saying do it. But in month or two on the right meds he may be back to his reg self more and be upset that one he said it and two that you jumped on the chance. Right now he just needs to love and help.


Sounds like you are bringing the issue up far to much. He’s working on it, leave him be… use toys, watch porn, stop being petty and cut the guy some slack

Also I highly doubt he’s serious about you banging someone else. Depression is a slippery slope and he sounds exactly that. I wouldn’t give what he said a thought.

Shut down his idea of other men, let him know that he is who you want and need, go out together and buy a vibrator.


u stop bugging him about it. someone with depression doesn wanna hesr about everything they DONT do. instead of telling him atuff he doesn do for u, tell him what he does. i have major depression and my husband gets on me about house cleaning and shit and when he does thay it pisses me off anf makes things worse and nothing gets done. when he notices i did atleast 1 or 2 things. and he says something POSITIVE it makes me feel so much better.

the sex part. idk. buy a vibrator or something lol :woman_shrugging:t2:

I went through a similar situation with my ex, I told him I didn’t want anyone else and I didn’t think any less of him. We bought some toys so he could fulfill my needs, it made things a lot better.


Introduce sex toys maybe

If I was in that position I would be like look I’ll take care of me baby I just want you to enjoy watching me if he enjoys watching but has issues I mean he can still feel intimate that you were comfortable enough to be intimate with yourself in front of them you know my mom did it was really awesome for the relationship she said because he was not mobile

For better or worse, in sickness and in health…If you really do love him, get a toy, :eggplant: isn’t everything!

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I know this doesn’t really help but if your dose of anti depressants is to high it can cause this problem. Any chance they could lower the dose? I found that the first time I was on medication I went to a super high dose very quickly and felt like it didn’t help and I just gained a huge amount of weight. The second time I started taking medication it was only a very low dose and it worked much better


Are you trying to validate if he was of sound mind for you to have sex with someone? If you’re not happy just leave why do you have to add salt to the injury.

Go to couples counseling and maybe try some toys together instead of cheating, there are other ways he can help please you until he talks to his doctor

I have a book called " the complete book of vitamins".
While reading it I learned that vitamin D3 is an antidepressant. My husband was talking suicide when he was diagnosed with arthritis and told he could never work again. I gave him this hoping it would help. We had lost our insurance as well. IT WORKED.
He has not spoken one word about it again. I still give him one at night plus a multivitamin. So he’s getting a little more than the one. His Dr had also mentioned that it was low. Most people have low D. If they did vitamins it could bring them out of depression. Niacin is also a vitamin for the brain in that it helps with bi polar and schizophrenia. Ask his Dr for a vitamin panel. Discus doing that Instead of antidepressants. It has amazed me how much better he feels lately. We have been doing it 9 yrs so far. He is doing great. I hope you will try this. Not only will it save you money it will save your health. God bless. :pray::v:


Is he in therapy? If he’s on serious meds and getting help why is he still so depressed? Can you participate in one of his sessions and bring up concerns? Can y’all consult a licensed sex therapist?

Sometimes exercise can help people feel better about themselves and better in general. Can you bike, hike, boat, swim, take dance lessons, ski, skate, go to climbing walls or find something mutually enjoyable to do together? Preferably something where he can excel and not feel like you are better than him. Exercise releases serotonin & makes people feel better about their bodies. Be sure it’s something (or many activities) you enjoy and can willingly participate in regularly.

Use that :tongue:and toys…let him do it for you…if it feels awkward get a little drunk first and all that awkward will go right out the window


For play! Tell him to use his fingers and mouth instead haha :joy:

BS. there are “toys”, both for you or to use as a couple. Sex is about togetherness & imagination. Buy a book. Go to PURE ROMANCE

Get toys and have him use them on you or help yourself it’s ok try watching porn together experiment different positions maybe and tell him I don’t want other men I want only you try to reassure him depression sucks I understand

I think you need to give him sometime. Our bodies to weird things and go through changes. I would invest in toys and other things such as masturbation. However, at the moment, he probably doesn’t see open at anything as he is in a bad place. I would give it sometime.

He can fulfill you sexually with his mouth

I don’t think it’s a good thing that he suggests that you sleep with other men…no matter what the situation. HUGE RED FLAG


He can please you in other ways that don’t require his penis. Use your imagination or google stuff and buy toys.

Sounds like you made him feel super horrible about something he can’t control😥 Poor guy


First, if you love this man, DO NOT sleep with anyone else. If you love him, it’s through thick and thin, and you support him at his lowest. If he’s depressed, finding out that you slept with someone because he wasn’t meeting your needs, isn’t gonna help his depression at all. It’s gonna make him spiral, regardless of him telling you to do it. He probably feels as though he can’t tend to your needs, and he doesn’t want you to resent him for it.

Secondly, and maybe even more important, support him, in any and all ways. Show him gratitude for everything he does. Even the littlest thing. Encouragement is important to someone with depression.

Thirdly, if the sex is an issue, get yourself a toy, and focus on intimacy more than sex. Take a shower together. Don’t even bother washing, just stand there, together, in the hot water and steam. Or, wash one another. Take a bubble bath together. Prepare a lazy date night for the two of you. Put on some comfy jammies, turn the lights off, pop some popcorn and get some snacks, put a movie on and lounge on the couch.

At this point, if he is that severely depressed, take baby steps. Any signs of improvement is progress.

The fact that you mentioned that you bring it up makes him feel bad… As a man and not been able to pleasure you probably hits him hard… Assure him that he is enough and you don’t need to seek outside the relationship.Yes you have needs and he has as well but sex isn’t everything… Cuddle with him, show him more affection, it doesn’t have to only be about sex… Put yourself in his shoes and then think about it… How would you feel and then take it from there… It hits harder when the shoe is on the other foot

I am struggling to believe I am reading this. Is the relationship so shallow you can’t wait for penetration? There are many ways to “meet your needs”. There are often times in long term relationships when sex doesn’t happen - illness, business, kids, depression, etc. If you love him support him to get better and just enjoy the cuddles without pressure.

Antidepressants are bad for so many reasons besides that. He should get off those and try smoking some weed honestly. And you should learn how to transcend your physical “needs” and realize that the love is more important. The intimate connection is what matters and that can be achieved in ways besides sex.

I would my if I was u mine was in ablefrom 2002 till he passed in2015i never thot bout cheating on him he beengone6yrsstill not