My boyfriend told me he is worried he won't love my kids like his own: Advice?

i need advice. ive been dating my boyfriend for almost 6 months. going through a divorce and child custody with ex husband. we both have problems from our past but I’ll admit I’ve let mine hurt me more than he has. But he is amazing and never stops loving me even on my worst days. I let him meet my children and they like him but they are still getting to know him. plus getting used to spending weekends with my ex and it has had a negative toll on their moods. they are grumpy and very prone to temper tantrums lately (5 yr old boy and 3 yr old girl). tonight my boyfriend and i had a fight over the phone because i was being insecure and afterwards talking on the phone amd trying to be honest with each other he admitted he is scared he could never love my children like they are his. i tried to tell him about my son and my ex (my son was 18 months when we were married and my ex loves him as his own) but i dont think it helped to say that. do you have any advice? or anyone gone through similar? i love this man dearly and i dont want him to be so worried about it. hes so used to being alone that having us around is a huge change and i feel like hes overwhelmed lately.


Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My boyfriend told me he is worried he won't love my kids like his own: Advice?

After 6 months you really know nothing of this man. Don’t rush into it. Think of your kids first. Obviously this is a huge change for them. They really don’t need you to have a boyfriend right now. And not every man you date will love your children like their own. And whatever you do, don’t pick a man who won’t!


You are moving way to fast. You need to learn to be on your own for a while. Do not let your children become attached to a man who may not stick around, or worse yet, not care for them. Your children should be your top priority right now.


I suggest you table dating until your kids are acclimated with their new normal. Instead of focusing on a new relationship focus on healing and your children.


He said what he said. At least he’s honest and not just telling you what you want to hear. Probably best to move on.


He’s being honest with you. And quite honestly, since your ex thinks of your son as his own, you don’t really need the BF to see him that way. However, I would proceed with caution. This may be hs way of saying he doesn’t see a future with you and your kids in it.


First slow down, wanting him to love them like their his. Sounds like your gently pushing him to be the step dad.


He admitted it and that’s amazing. Now at least you can make decisions based on that knowledge

Might simply not be a good fit for him or you. That’s ok.


I been with my man for two years and his never said such a thing! If he is the right person you wouldn’t feel like you have to choose to make him feel comfortable or content. Just saying.


First off you barely know this man.

Second off he isn’t scared like he says trust me he openly admitted that he won’t love your children as his own which should be screaming red flags to you.

Third off you’re going thru a divorce plus child custody issues and you really thought it was a good idea to date someone before having all these issues resolved and finalized. The reason I say that is cause your ex could use this against you during the child custody thing and you definitely shouldn’t of let them meet yet that should’ve waited till you guys were way more serious.

Fourth off you’re not madly in love with him. He’s the rebound guy after leaving your ex. You should’ve focused on yourself and your children before trying to find someone else.

Not trying to be mean here but you’re making a huge mistake with this new guy and you’re basically trying to force him to be a father figure without barely knowing him

Did you even find a background check on him before letting him around the children?

Not trying to be harsh but I can definitely tell you’re a young mother. You cannot be bouncing from man to man just cause it didn’t work out with the previous ones. Your son already has a step dad (and if he didn’t adopt the child after y’all was married you ain’t getting no child support nor any custody thing regarding your son with the guy you’re divorcing now at least not in the courts eyes you won’t be) … but cmon it’s time to focus on your children at this point and only your children. You’re setting an example for them and you don’t want them to think that going from guy to guy is a normal thing especially your daughter


Your a package deal when you have children and he knew that before dating you, if he can’t accept your children then you need to let him go! Children first!


My husband fell in love with my twins before he fell in love with me… he has always treated them as his own and loved them as his own and if he could he would adopt them in a heart beat… I didn’t rush into my relationship with him until I knew how he felt about my kids and how they felt about him because it was important to me we were a very loving blended family. If he would have told me he didn’t think he could love my kids as his own I never would have given him another moment of my time… we’ve been married for 2 years now and have a 2 year old together and I don’t see any difference in the way he loves my kids and the one he has together because as my husband puts it “they are our boys”.


Your children don’t need to be around a strange man. They haven’t even had time to adjust to their mom and dad getting a divorce and be split between both parents. Why are you adding to the stress and unknown level? If you want to date, cool, but keep the kids away from it. Date this man when the children are with their dad. Do not try to become an instant family. The children are acting out because they are confused as to why mom and dad are no longer together and all of a sudden there’s this strange man in their life. And honestly you sound like you’re too much for this guy, you’re bringing past issue in your current relationship (your words) and bringing kids around which he may not be used to. Wrong time, wrong man


Stop jumping from one man to another. Concentrate on your children .They should be the most important thing in your life.They need you :100:% of their life. He is letting you know that he doesn’t love you . The children doesn’t need ALL this Drama. May God Bless You and Your precious children.


I personally will love other kids whole eardtly but my kids will always come first bc they arey sole responsibility.


I’m glad he was honest but please don’t stay with a man who can’t love your kids the way they need loved… Your kids can grow up resentful towards you over it. Never choose a man over your kids. No matter how much you like or love them. Them babies matter more and so does their mental health. :yellow_heart:


First of all it is pretty soon to even be talking about him loving your kids like his own. He doesn’t even really know them yet other than being your boyfriend and love takes time. He may never love them as much as he would if they were his own but time will dictate that. Their little and probably very confused with all this adult stuff going on around them. Too much piled on them all at the same time. Daddy’s gone, new man hanging around, two different homes…come on give them a break. Take care of your personal life and get settled down before rushing into being involved with someone new that you actually don’t even know that well. Maybe he has reasons he feels he can’t love your kids… maybe he has a past he hasn’t told you about. Your moving way too fast and your kids are showing the repercussions of it in their little kid way. It’s not about you or him, it’s about the kids right now. Don’t try to shove them down his throat. He’s already told you how he feels so take the hint so you don’t regret it later. Certainly don’t leave this new guy alone with your kids for one moment and end up getting hint #2 the hard way at their expensive. He’s not ready. You’re rushing him :woman_shrugging:t3:


This may sound harsh but be grateful that he was straight forward about it and find your kids the dad that they deserve. My father lost his dad at a young age and had a stepfather and his life wasn’t great (to simplify and put it nicely). When I started dating after leaving my sons bio dad, my father told me that no man will ever love my child as he does his own. While I don’t agree with this statement completely… there ARE men out there who will love your child just as much as their own… BUT, sadly, there are those that won’t (and I can say that for a fact). There are guys out there even who THINK (& I even think they had every intention and the true belief they could… but just couldn’t). If this guy is straight up telling u he won’t… believe him. Then ask yourself if your desire to be with this guy is worth the trauma that will cause for your child (I hope you know it’s not…).
I’m so sorry you’re going through this and am sending you all the love, prayers & good energy.


Does anyone expect him to love your kids like his own? I believe it may be impossible for some to love other people’s children as they do or would love their own. That’s okay tho! If he loves you then his love for you will necessarily extend to your children, since your happiness is their happiness at least in part. Then over time maybe that love will grow and deepen. It’s okay that he may not be connecting with your kids. He can have a healthy relationship with your kids and still be a positive force in their lives even if he does not feel the same way about them as he does his. Plus he can communicate honestly with you about what he perceives as a potential flaw? Nurture your love with him, don’t move too fast, and keep things light and airy. You got this.


:woman_facepalming:t2::woman_facepalming:t2: is there not a better time to introduce your kids to a new person… yanno perhaps when they’ve had time to adjust and cope with the changes. Your children are grieving and your concern here is how to keep a person who has expressed he doesn’t think he could treat your children right.

All I read from this is that you’re a person who hasn’t healed from your past and you’re forcing everyone in situations they are struggling with because it makes YOU feel better.


I find this whole thing a bit weird tbh it’s a weird thing to say. I am curious if you pushed him into this… like asking him if he will ever love yours like his own and saying ‘well my ex did’. I don’t think he’s done anything wrong he’s said how he feels… I don’t think I will ever love anyone else’s child like I love my own either… so what? Why is everyone concerned about it? I’d be more concerned if after a mere 6 months he was declaring his love for your children! :nauseated_face: It all seems very childish tbh I think maybe you should concentrate on working on yourself


Look I feel like he’s been honest and good on him but also he hasn’t told you what you wanted to hear and now you want advice on how to change his mind… can’t force love. Stop introducing guys to these babies and help them heal from whats been going on. If a man can’t love your babies he isn’t the right one. No one’s the bad guy here he’s been honest respect it and move on :woman_shrugging:


If he loves them then he is being truth ful he still can be a good parent and partner no I loves their own children like a mom or dad

If he’s telling you he’s feeling this way then listen now before feelings are hurt and attitudes are made. A man trying to impress you and to make you fall in love would do whatever he could to be close to them. If he’s honest that he doesn’t think he can then I would take that as a sign. Trust me I’ve been in a relationship where my kids and their step dad didn’t get along and he just couldn’t love them like a parent

I’d leave. I wouldn’t want my kids growing up in a home where they are not loved by one adult or not loved as much as they should be. I’m glad he was honest and I wouldn’t be mad at him hut you gotta make sure your kiddos are comfortable

It’s only been 6 months ,I can’t tell you what to do but if I was in this situation I would slow it down , your kids don’t need another dad they have one who they still see , by all means have a boyfriend just keep him separate from your kids so they don’t get confused,( if you’re confused about him and your an adult imagine how they feel ) honestly after 6 month I’d be surprised if you love eachother yet without expecting him to love your kids too , it’s not a race relationships can be hard enough when you have kids without adding the will you love my kids forever ? into the mix see how the two of you get along first see if you want to love him forever and visa versa,
That’s just my opinion good luck to you x

Honestly, I didn’t love my step kids as my own within 6 months of knowing them. I didn’t even like kids. It took me a while. It’s been almost 10 years & I love them both very much now. I’m not the fake type, so I was honest about it from the beginning. They were really damaged from their Mom. So atleast he’s being honest with you. But you should make sure he isn’t telling you that as a way out, because you can’t force someone to love your kids. You have to put your kids first no matter what.

I’d put my kids a priority over a man , not even the love I feel towards other partner can overcome my being a mother, if that will mean I’ll live only for my kids , so be it - that’s for me

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I feel like you’re putting yourself down too much and giving him too much leeway. I’m not saying he’s terrible, but you sound so quick to blame yourself and excuse someone else. I think it’s kinda normal fear for some people, but I’m surprised he would say that out loud. For some reason I get the feeling like that may be a cop out. Just seems strange to admit that like he did, but I don’t know the context. :woman_shrugging: I don’t know what to say to that. My boyfriend has no kids and instantly treated my kids (6 yr old boy 3 yr old girl) very well and created a bond with them. We’ve also been together 6 months. They all say “I love you” to eachother. Are there maybe other relationship issues going on? Like maybe whatever it is that was causing you to feel insecure? Because that’s likely the real problem going on and you’re dismissing it as being insecure

This is normal. It’s very difficult to love a kid who isn’t your own and you guys still barely know each other.

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Tiffany Stewart girl slow your role and stop assuming that the op is a victim of some type of abuse. No where did she say anything like this in her post. Amy is definitely correct the op sounds young minded. Nobody is madly in love within 6 months it’s actually lust.

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Remember if he doesn’t love what the package comes with he don’t love you at all !!! I would never trust this guy around my kids but I like how he was honest doe now it’s up to you

This is something that you can’t get verbal confirmation on at six months. This is something that grows over time.


Dating already while going through divorce. That’s way too fast. You need to focus on your kids.


Can you do any counseling to mitigate the issues? That is my suggestion.

Forget this man , you need to love your kids dearly. Your kids come first.b It’s only been 6 months, you’ll find another. One thing is for certain, red flag if he’s already telling you he’s not going to treat your kids like his own.

Listen hard to what he’s telling you ….

I’d be done. We are a package deal, if you can’t love them you don’t really love me. Byyyyeeee.

Why would you introduce your kids to someone new, while you’re literally going through a divorce, your kids lives are being turned upside down because daddy isn’t around every single day then you go and introduce them to someone new? Poor kids man. I cannot imagine how they feel let alone acting the way they are. They have every right to act the way they are. You should have waited to introduce the kids to him. Have you even considered your childrens feelings as well?


You are a package. Never allow your children to be treated less than…

:woozy_face::laughing: It’s only been 6 months. Y’all aren’t madly in love, you’ve already got one step dad to your son. You type and express yourself like a preteen. Your children don’t need to be exposed to another man for a long time. Grow up.


JFC you’ve been with him 6 months and you think he should love your kids as much as he loves his own?

You need to seek help

You sound pretty toxic


Some people are good step parents, some people aren’t cut out for it. Trying to squish him into the mould you want him to will only breed resentment on both sides. There are men out there that will love you and your babies. Take time to find yourself and look out for your little ones first.

Your first mistake was introducing your kids to this man. It’s been 6 months. You don’t even know him.

He’s telling you who he is. Listen. Do not put your kids in a position to grow feelings for someone who doesn’t feel they will love them back. It isn’t fair to the children.

I looked at alot of comments nd I’m glad to say I wouldn’t be the only 1 to say …WTF . Just slow down… I am pretty old school compared to most I know… my kids didnt meet whom I’m dating til min 6 months, I then was scared shitless as I hadn’t done this ever so it was alittle over 7 months… I made that rule off the hop… no one meets my kids til I am serious enough in beyond 6 months… I didn’t know him at all, who knows if this woman knew her man b4, if she didn’t… whoo slow down… today’s world… is scary as hell… I unfortunately know first hand what ppl we think we can trust with our Littles will do… nd it makes me sick… take time… I was separated for almost a year b4 I felt I was ready to actually date someone … nd hell was I slow nd a total alien at it. Lol. Give it time… even the best of kids, my girls werr amazing but it takes it toll… mine were 11 nd 15 when we called it over nd left. It’s hard… nd if there is already 1 step parent then that just adds dynamics to it… no need to rush nd figure ur whole life out… I’m 2 years in, nd while some days I feel like I could be ready for larger steps I am Also content in knowing I took my time nd will know exactly what iam into…

Hasn’t been Six MONTHS ,You’re children haven’t dealt NOR have you with the division of the FAMILY Unit, WTF is this dude doing around YOUR KIDS?


It’s only been 6 months… pump the brakes


You and your kids are a package deal. They how to be around you and live with you they are your children. They don’t have a say-so. If he said that to me I would be taking a step back. Because you will be around his chilldren maybe or advently and you will want to treat them like yours. You don’t wont yours mistreated because he don’t love them or even maybe don’t like them. I wouldnt definitely get out. Take some time to heal from your ex and spend time with your children.

Slow down girl. It’s been 6 months and your divorce is not finalized yet. Take some time for you and the kids.


Slow down. You are rushing Yourself, your kids, and HIM.
Maybe you need to learn to be happy and complete WITHOUT a man before looking for another relationship.


:thinking: It’s been 6 months… Slow down. Both of you.


You’re just now finding out a very key thing about him 6 months in. How was this not carefully looked at prior? You’re a package deal. Please dont choose a man over your children. Men in and out who all “loved” them will be nothing but detrimental.

how could you want to be with a man that says such things!!! Thats terrible!

just read headlines valid as frick sorry

Maybe concentrate on your kids and leave the men alone for a year or two or even 3!


It sounds like you are making excuses for him. I noticed you said you were being insecure but didn’t explain… you need counseling. You are not putting value on you…be alone for a while… I’m very concerned for both you and your kids😥


Kids come before dick PERIOD
Move on

They aren’t his so it’s okay if he doesn’t love them like they are his.
I love my bfs kids but they aren’t mine. It’s different.
Plus it’s only been 6 months. Chill. If he’s right for you your kids will see that you’re happy and that’s important. Even if the man doesn’t love them like their own father does.
You can’t force something like that.


Give it time and focus on your children they need a stable environment
You can"t expect someone to love your children as their own immediately.


It’s not a step parents job to love your children as there own. They have a Mum and a Dad. It’s his job to support you as a partner.

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Your children don’t need another dad right now. They are young and do not understand what is going on. All they know is mommy and daddy aren’t in the same house and a strange man is there. Even if it has been 6 months.

I think you introduced your kids too early. Especially considering it’s only been 6 months.

This man went from being single to now struggling with the fact he’s going to have to be a father figure for both your kids? You’re pushing him to fast. Leave the kids out of your relationship until he’s ready. And don’t push it on your kids or him.

They have a dad.

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Accept his honesty and it doesn’t sound like either of you should be dating… Some people hop right into another relationship and wonder why that fails… you can deal with your issues and get over them… it’s better to do that alone… Accept that Mans answer and don’t put yourself, kids, or him through anymore trying to MAKE it different… he should’ve known not to date women with kids and you should know not have what your ex does come out of your mouth… y’all are NOT ready… maybe Lonely but not Ready!!

I went through something similar, but it was my grandbabies. I’m raising two grandsons and my fiance was worried about not loving them like a grandpa should. He was worried but I’m telling you this man cannot go a day without seeing these boys. You have to build a relationship you don’t have a connection right off the start. Good luck to you if he’s as good of a man as you say he is, then you definitely should not worry

That’s why you shouldn’t rush into another relationship you just should have took more time for yourself and your children

Six months is no time at all with anyone, unless you are oh I fell in love instantly , which realistically doesn’t exist, real love takes time between two adults, but becoming a parent is truly instant, you cannot expect anyone and I mean anyone to love your children as much as you do quickly, it takes time and patience, and let’s face it not all people are kid friendly just because you are. Don’t rush him because you could possibly push him away it will come when the time is right, or if it doesn’t then remember he is not going to be very sympathetic to your needs as a parent. So my advice is take a breath slow way down and and see where this takes you, you truly cannot expect your children to love this person as fast as six months can you? If you push it instead of taking your time everyone could potentially get hurt.

First of all, you’re going through a divorce and dating at the same time??? If I was that boyfriend, that would be a red flag!!! You’re not ready to be dating anyone and 6 months isn’t long enough to get to know each other. Your poor kids are having their world turned upside down and your worried about a man loving them??? Maybe you should try loving yourself and putting those kids first before a man!!! SMH!!!


Focus on yourself and your kids through the transition

Your divorce is not even finished and you are worried about your boy friend not loving your kids ?
Girl you have problems!!!
You should be focusing on your kids helping them to adjust to the new situation in the family not introducing a new man to their life.
Slow down woman!!!

You can’t force your children on anyone. Give him the chance to get to know your kids and then if he still can’t say he loves them , time to move on. It’s not about you once you become a mother.

Leave because your kids come FIRST!

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