I commend your BF’s family for reaching out to him and offering their condolences because that is the right thing to do not only for him but also his children.
As far as what you should do??? Be there for him, allow him to talk about her if he wants without getting petty. If he is attending her services than you should as well. Send a card, send some flowers, offer condolences to her children and the rest of her family.
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My ex husband and father of our son passed away two years ago due to a mental illness that lead to him being shot & killed. We weren’t married anymore but it did hurt my son and I. Just because you aren’t married anymore doesn’t mean that when something like this happens it doesn’t stir up emotions thought long since passed. There is nothing anyone can do but let him and the kids work through their pain and grief. It’s a process.
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You do nothing but be there for your husband and step kids. Just cause they aren’t married doesn’t mean he has no right to grieve
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The mother of his children pasted away…be respectful and there for him.
He did love her once, mourning her loss doesnt mean he loves you less.
He is also mourning for his children’s loss.
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Honor her for the sake of him and his children.
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Just be there if they want to talk/vent/cry. You don’t need to do anything really, just stand back and watch for signals.
Maybe put together a photo album of photos of just the kids and her (even the one you haven’t talked to in a year). Be open to the fact you may not get the response you’re hoping for - death and response to it are vastly different for all. Good luck.
Just support them as you can that’s it…I understand where hes come from same gose to my gramma she lost her ex husband and her boyfriend but they was pretty good friend so they died whinin in December and February 
all they need is talk and someone begin there If they need that’s it
I’d just be there and give him space to grieve. Even though they’d not been together in a long time, she is his kids mother so of course he’s going to be sad and upset , his children are probably devastated.
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Just be a good support system for them. It’s hard when people loose someone close, they were married.
Treat it as if a very good friend of his died. This person is tied to him on many levels. His children are hurting too, so he’s hurting for them. Ask him if he’d like you to do anything for his kids (all of them). Maybe put together a photo of their mom with a poem and frame it. What each kid does with it is not your concern, but rather that they know their loss is acknowledged.
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My sons father died 4 years ago. At the time we had been broken up for over a year. The day I got the news, I was at my boyfriend’s house and all I could remember is screaming and sobbing all day. I had no feelings for him and my boyfriend was concerned cuz I was so upset. I didnt understand it at the time, but I was grieving for my sons loss. He was 3y.o. when his dad died and I cried about all the memories he wouldn’t be part of. How my son would have to live without his father for the rest of his life. It could be that he is mourning for his kids more than for himself. For all the birthdays and holidays that she will no longer be there for.
I’m so relieved to read a post like this. I know it may sound wrong considering the circumstances surrounding the post… It is just refreshing to see someone who comes across as genuinely caring and is thinking of another person without jealousy involved!
With that, deep down, you know what to do and what to say. You are overthinking all of the possible reactions he may have(which is good as it shows you care!). When you have children with someone, you will always love them. Even those who don’t like to admit it. A little piece of you will always be connected, and it’s evident in your children! There is, and always will be, a place in your heart for that person.
There’s a couple of things I’d suggest and those are;
Put all of your feelings and animosity towards extended family & children aside. It’s not about the relationship you have with them.
Just be there, don’t think about it, Just do it. Don’t be scared or worried. At this point in time, he NEEDS you even if he thinks he doesn’t. Give him a cuddle, or even just sit next to him and rub his arm.
Yes, he will be upset and that’s a given. He has a right to.
Please, DONT constantly ask him what he wants… You’ll most likely get either no answer, a shrug, a “dunno”, or he may get irritated.
My most important advice, (And I am always saying this to those who ask, What should I do Or can’t seem to empathise with situations) is to take a step back, and imagine yourself, one of your children or indeed a close friend in that situation. What would do or say and Work from there.
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Just let him grieve.
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Just be there for them, and even though it was a long time ago there still a past and history and memories that go along with that relationship you never forget the mother of your first children… Let your husband mourn the way he needs to.
Reach out to her children…all of them no matter what the relationship and ket them know your there if they need someone to talk to. As for ur bf, telk him ur sorry. His childrens mother is gone. He is hurting for his kids.
My former husband’s mother passed away after our divorce. I went to the funeral and sat with my two adult sons because this was their grandmother. I offered my condolences to the entire family because they were mourning. The fact that my husband I was divorced simply did not come into play in my mind. It was not about me. It was about them.
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Send flowers to her kids from your kid and be done with it.
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just be there for him… as her ex husband and father of her kid yes hes going to get many condolences… but best thing you can do is be there and be supportive
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Ask him if he wants to go to her funeral, and join him. Make that day as easy as possible for him
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Just be there for him and when you have a moment together, ask him what you can do to help him through this because you know it’s difficult on all of them. He just needs your support right now, even if the situation is slightly awkward. That’s what love is about, though <3
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Just offer support. Remember that even though they were divorced, at one point he did love her enough to want to spend the rest of his life with her, and she was the mother of 2 of his children. Even if they never spoke again that is a big part of his life that had died now. Just love him even more.
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Just get on with life. You’re making it too complicated. Sounds like u have enuf of that in your life.
I don’t see the OP as jealous, petty or making it about her. She’s simply asking how else can she be supportive of them in their time of need other than giving condolences.
I say hug him when needed, let him cry or whatever, give him space if he needs it. Just continue to be there for him and the kids. Maybe ask them what their favorite memories are, etc. Help them through it by reminiscing. Try to get to know her by letting them share her with you. If that makes sense.
Quit making it about you. Period.
Who cares how you feel. It is still a loss for him as that is his children’s mother.
For the love of Christ, some people. Your significant other had a life before you. All of ours did.
Girl hush #1.
#2. THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU!
#3. You’ve got a LOT of growing up to do!
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Putting myself in there shoes , I think it would be shock and grieving along with my child/children for there grief …
It’s not fair the in-laws are seeming make you feel like she was/is more important than she is …
Believe you me I wouldn’t cry if it was any of my ex’s but I no my kids would need me , in saying that my kids are in there 20’s , so I have to question why’s he all so sad and not available for his kids ?!!
Be strong for everyone involved 
Wtf let him grieve he lost his ex wife THE MOTHER OF HIS OTHER KIDS. Ofc there is always going to be love there!
Be supportive talk to him offer YOUR CONDOLENCES be a supportive partner !
Good lord.
Ofc they are going to ring him he has a life time attachment to her HIS OTHER KIDS imagine if you guys split I’m sure his family would call you and make sure your okay.
ex or not… FAMILY FIRST.
You need to be supportive to you B/F. He was married 10 years to the lady had children with her so there’s still a connection to her. She will always his children’s mother that can’t be changed. id reach out to them also it will bring. Him and his children much closer to you. they all are hurting and need a shoulder to lean on at this difficult time. Be that shoulder. This is not about you but a man and his children that just lost thier mother and mother to his children. Been there done that
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Just be there for the kids
Just be there. Even though it ended, they still were a big part of each other’s lives because of 10 years and two kids. Reach out for help if he seems to be getting depressed. It’s a difficult situation for everyone involved, and I know it’s harder to understand when you didn’t have a close relationship with her.
Just be there for him, and offer understanding. Do not make him feel bad or wrong for having feelings about her passing. Yes they are not together but they did bring 2 children into this world and i can see why he would be upset. I would offer to attend the funeral with him or even not if that was something he wanted to do alone with thier children.
Be supportive of him. My ex who I haven’t spoken to fir over 35yrs passed last year & the calls from his family were wonderful for me. At his service, yes I went, his best man from our wedding in 1977 even came. He never knew the 2nd wife so he sat with me & my kids. Your husband must have loved her at one time so his emotions are pretty screwed up, I know mine were anyway. Just be there for him
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Just be there for all. Ask them what you can do and it may be nothing right now but assure them you’re there, lend a hand, ear, shoulder and love them through it.
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Be supportive of ur husband cuz he need’s you now more than ever. After all she was is wife,and the mother of his son’s
Do nothing 
Be there for him and his kids if/when they need you. Stop worrying about something that really doesn’t mean anything to you unless they need you for something
Screw half the people in this post for being rude!! You are doing all u can do. Be there for him and kids.
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Ask your husband what he would like you to do. If you see any of her children or husband or parents, offer your condolences. That way you can’t go wrong. If they are decent people they will respect you for it.
Hi i understant the awkardness of the situation but 1 if he married the wo an years ago they had some kind of connection adding to that the 2 kids they have . doesnt mean he was still in love with her but she is the mother to his children and was her first wife. It is normal.for him to.have those feelings after all.she was part of his life for 10 years and they did make kdis together…
I’m very sorry that some people are being so insensitive (even downright rude in some cases) to you. You are in a situation where there is no clear cut answer … especially from strangers via the internet. However, I understand why you may be looking for an answer outside of friends/family etc.
What stands out to me is your statement of “he seems very upset” which indicates that he’s not communicating with you about his feelings. After 11 yrs together, I can absolutely understand your confusion about what to do! Your feelings are just as valid as your husbands. I’m sorry for the children’s loss (and family) but you are still here and still deserve fair treatment. Just because this woman has passed does not mean your feelings be cast aside. I feel for you as well.
So: talk to your “boyfriend” about his feelings, and yours. Tell him you love him, are sorry for his loss, and that you want to be supportive to him & the kids … and would like his help by showing you the best way to do this.
There should be no secrets here. You know his past life, know he’s lost someone he once cared for, but you are still here and your feelings are just as important as his. Good luck!! 
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This will pass, be quiet and let him grive
Do what you would want done if she was you
I know someone that was married for a very long time and had a very difficult divorce. But when her parents got sick he still came to the hospital and also funerals. And so did she for him. It’s a bond just have been married but add in children, well that means the ex should and will always have a place in his or her heart. I still encourage my son seeing his dad’s exgirlfriend. Because they have a bond. Just be there for all of them and remember that he is hurting. And people grieving are not always thinking clearly and are trying to process it in their own way and sometimes it means shutting others out temporarily.
his children’s mother died. This is not a problem, He also as married to her a long time ago, he at one time loved her, not a big deal, he has the right to feel this way. There is no problem that people call & offer their condolences. Go to the funeral with him, if that is what he wants, or you don’t have to go. She has or had another husband, saying you are sorry for the death of (that husband’s) his wife, there is no problem with that, either. As for what to do, nothing. I went to my ex’s funeral, I help my daughter with it, & she hasn’t seen her father in over 20 plus yrs, nor did she want anything to do with him. No big deal. His twin brother called me up & apologized to me for not coming, Stating it would be like he was looking at himself (they were identical) I told him, he did what he needed to do & no problems. I brought food over to his parents house for after the burial ( I couldn’t stand his mother, but loved his dad) This wasn’t about me it was out the respect for his family
Let your husband do what he needs to do stand with him it could be you one day and he can stand with you be together.
Just remember, she is the mother of his children. Let him know that you are there for him.
Just be supportive that all you can do (thanks for being so thoughtfull )
Let it go.
It will run its course and be over before you know it.
Just be there and be understanding. I lost my ex to suicide three years after we split and my husband is the only reason I broke down and got sad over it, he was the father of my son and my love for eight years prior… i didn’t realize how much it hurt because I had hate for him for abandoning our son, thank God for my amazing husband who was so understanding and patient, he even set up a celebration of life for his since his family didn’t.
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We will always have a special place in our heart for our past and especially for the other parent of our children. My ex is horrid and hasn’t had contact with our child in forever, but if he died today my heart would still hurt. Not just for me, but for my children and those left behind. Be there for him and console him. He doesn’t love you any less because his heart is hurting. It’s hard seeing the person you love the most in life grieve and even harder when it is a past lover, but show him you love him. Hold him tight and let him cry it out. She is gone and you are still here and what you do now he will remember.
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She was,the mother of his children. They may have been divorced but still have a bond. Of course he would be upset. He loved her. Not the same way as you but in his own way. Be there for him.
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Just keep in mind that he had love for her that’s different than his love for you. They created life together and that’s not a bond that breaks just because their marriage didn’t work. He needs to grieve, but he also needs you to show your resilience at this time. You’re his partner in life now, he already knows you love him, but he also knows YOU are his safe place. Yes, he was romantically involved with her - a long time ago. He still loved her, but not like that. He loved her for their kids. Be his rock now, a big chapter in his life has just closed.
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All you can do is go and be supportive. She was his ex. But she was the mother of his children. There will be many stories about the past. And I’m sure about their time together. This is all about her and them. Don’t get your feelings hurt by all the ‘good times’ stories of what once was.
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Be supportive she maybe his ex she was the mother of his two children. He probably hurting for his kids because they lost their mother.
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He lost a relative. Treat him with kindness, give him room to breathe.
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You comfort him girl.
It may be an ex wife and he may not love her like he used to but it is still his children’s mother and a type of love (as long as they were not meanies to each other) is always going to be there because of those children. Comfort him and make sure he is okay.
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Be patient, offer an ear and be supportive. Even though they haven’t been together in a long time, they had babies, and a long relationship. Youre in a tough spot mama- but just try to be there, and be understanding.
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Just be supportive and understanding with him and the right thing to do will come to you maybe you should let the children know they are welcome in your house anytime
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Just be there. Maybe do some nice things for him you don’t normally do. His chores. Buy his favorite candy. Hold his hand. You can ask if he needs anything or wants to talk and that you won’t be judgy.
My husband had a high school girlfriend die a few years back. I know it’s not the same. But it hit him hard. So hard he didn’t tell me he went to the funeral until a week after it(yes, we fought about it) but I also told him that I understood why he didn’t tell me. He had to process himself before he could deal with me and the way I process. I hope if it was today he would be more upfront and I believe he would.
But there’s not really anything to say especially when it’s not expected. A few day’s and he will likely work through his issues and may even decide to talk to you about it.
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Be understanding. She was the mother of 2 of his children. He loved her once, and if you truly love someone, that doesn’t just go away.
Pray for comfort for him and children.
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No one gets married expecting divorce. Your boyfriend?/husband? Was deeply in love with this woman. She has died. Love your man give him comfort, and space to grieve. Be gracious to those who reach out to him in his time of sadness. Also reach out to you step?kids. Do t be their mom, but let them know you care and are there to listen to their memories. Spread love, grace, kindness all over this.
I always send flowers when someone dies. I send flowers to my husband for any reason at all. You could certainly choose a bouquet 
for him as well as for the funeral. Flowers say a lot.
Be supportive of him and the family during this time.
Let him grieve and comfort him and have compassion and understanding
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I had been divorced from my 2 kids dad for 25 years but it broke my heart when he passed. Be supportive of him. Death is so final…
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give it time. most regardless how the relationship ended they seemed to still care because that is the other parent to the child. ask them about their favorite memories of her and enjoy the story. loss is hard no matter what
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Just be there whether he needs you ir not. No matter what happened between them, death is always tough.
Maybe send flowers but this is life. He still lost a part of his life no matter what. Time will heal. Let them grieve!
Just be there for him and don’t take his pain personally. It has nothing to do with you. Let him grieve so he can put it behind him.
My husband passed recently we were married 40 yrs he had 2 grown daughters w his ex and we had 1 together… she came to visitation and funeral… it’s not about who it’s about doing the right thing… they had a past w kids regardless of age … pay your respects … your husband will appreciate it
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Pray for them and do for him and his kids what you would want them to do for yours if it were you.
Talk to the one your close too. See how they feel they may want you there for support
Casserole! Take it over
Just be supportive. My husband has an ex girlfriend that is dying and I let him be in contact with her. your stepchildren will appreciate it if you are supportive. My husband’s first wife has done rotten things really rotten, but when her daughter contacted me and was upset that her mother had badly cut herself. I told her that the doctors would handle the cut and that her mom was a nurse and could care for her wound. I told her just to have the necissary supplies on hand. My displeasure with my husband’s ex wife, didn’t mean my stepdaughters fears any less real. She needed me to be supportive not judgmental or jealous. Right now your husband and step kids need you to be supportive not jealous. I know it is hard, but that is the way life works. If my husband’s first wife died I wouldn’t stop him from going to her funeral, unless I thought he might pee on her grave or something rotten.
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