My boyfriend’s ex-wife and mother of two of his kids just passed away. They were married for 10 years a long, long time ago and have two kids in their 20’s (1 of them I absolutely adore and the others I haven’t talked to in a year, we don’t have a good relationship) We have a 7 year old and we’ve been together for over 11 years. I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend seems very upset, and it’s understandable, but his family keeps calling him to offer their condolences as if they were still married. (She remarried and had two more kids with her new husband) I’m not jealous; I just don’t know what to do. She was my son’s brothers’ mother, but I saw her maybe a handful of times. Aside from offering my condolences to him and their kids, what else can I do?
Just be supportive. Ask him if he needs anything
Just be there to support him and his children
Just understand that she was a massive part of his life and have him.beautifil kids. Try not to take it negatively, I get it could be hard but it’s how it is. Just love him and be there 
Tell him you understand she was a big part of his life and if he needs to talk, you are there
Just be there, like you are already doing. Ask what he needs. Sounds like you are already doing the right thing. Maybe reach out to the child you don’t speak to… could be a good time to heal that relationship
Just be Loving And Understanding
Be supportive & understanding of their grief as well as his.
Be supportive of the children and him. Ask if they need anything and just be there emotionally
Remember to not make it about yourself and get your feelings caught up.he lost somebody who was dear to him.they were all still family because these children.just keep a clear mind and be there for your family. I know our thoughts and emotions can easily become troubling but stay strong so you can provide support in their grieving
Support him. He had a whole other life with her and its understandable that he’s upset. I would be! Just tell him you’re here for him and tell him you won’t be upset if he wants to go to the funeral.
Just be there for support.
Just be there for him. Regardless, she was a part of his life and was an important part of his other children’s lives. It’s going to be hard for him
Yeah you have to understand that he was with her for a long time even though they split up they still have children together. They are a part of her, of course people are going to offer their condolences to him his children have lost their mother. Just be there for him and support him x
Honestly the only thing you can do is be there for him and the kids.
Just be there for him. She was a huge part of his life and now she’s gone. He isn’t only hurting for himself,but their babies too. Just let him know that you love him and are there for him.
Be there for him. They are offering condolences because they were married and share children. They are not being disrespectful or anything if that sort.
The best thing you can do right now is offer your husband your support while he grieves.
Keep in mind that this is not about you. I’m sure it’s a bit uncomfortable but death is never an easy issue.
Let them grieve. Tell them it’s okay to be sad and that you love and are there for all of them. That’s really all you can do honey. You have to understand she was a part of his families life as well though so of course they will be calling and checking in. It’ll pass, just give it time
Just be there… love him alittle more until it passes
Just be there hun. Condolences to you and extended family… xxx
There is little else you can do. I’ve been there. Remember that when someone you loved dies it’s entirely different thing-it brings back all the feelings of loss and you remember the good times as opposed to the bad-the anger is gone.
Just be there for him. If he wants to talk about memories he has, be receptive to listening.
At the root of most relationships is a friendship. He lost a friend that he had for a long time and made lots of special people and memories with.
Dont read into his feelings of sadness as something against you. Its not. He needs to mourn a part of his past. He needs to mourn for his children’s loss. He needs to mourn for a person who was once very special to him. Just like he would if in 15 years he has a new wife that he had been with for longer than he was with you. He’d still need to mourn you if you left this world.
Just be there for them.
Just be there for him and the children. Be supportive. Kick the jealous thoughts to the curb. Don’t be hatin on a dead woman. Let her RIP.
Just be there for him. It doesn’t matter how long ago they were married, he loved her. He had a family with her. That doesn’t take away from his love for you and your family but that’s still hard on him. 10 years is a long time with someone.
Do whatever you would do with any other serious loss in his life. Be supportive. His feelings are valid no matter what they are, and imo, this would be a harder loss to deal with. Even if he despised her, he should also be grieving for his children. This isn’t about you, has nothing to do with you and I wouldn’t make it be. His family sounds like they are just trying to be loving and supporting.
Go to funeral with him
Of course hes upset and people are offering their condolences. Even if theyve been separated 50 years, she was still his kids mom. And the best thing you can do is be supportive and let him know you are there and go with him to the funeral to show your support.
Be kind and supportive. It was the wife and mother to his kids.
Just be supportive and be there for them, that;s all you can do, after the funeral and everything is over with your daily routine and life will go back to what it was, just give it some time.
Support him. Talk to him. See how he feels. Understand his feelings. People grieve differently. His children are going through things that is so hard to explain… I lost my mother at 24, my father and step father (who had been around since I was 2) took it very hard. My mother had married another man (we moved to VA from CA in 2003) and I think my father and step father took it the hardest even tho they hadn’t been with my mom in years! They had both moved on and yet they grieved. My step dad died a year after my mom, we had talked every day and the night before he felt bad, was looking at pictures and said my mom felt close… had a heart attack the next day. He had a girl he was living with and a son of his own and she never felt jealous or mad when he mourned my mom and would talk to my brother and I, and her and my mother did not get along one bit. She even spoke to me on the phone a few times. He said her support made it easy because at first he hid it from her.
Just be open and loving and help him through this.
Just because someone isn’t still married doesn’t mean condolences aren’t in order. That was a major part of his life and she gave him his children!
By right they shared a life and have 2 children. Why would people offer condolences. He is grieving for himself and his children. His childrn have pain that he cannot do anything about. When relationships end that does not mean you have to be enemies . Apart of him is grieving for himself too they were married for 10 years and had 2 children. This is not the time for insecurities
Ask him what he needs from you and how you can support him. She was a huge part of his life at one time and he’s feeling his own emotions and the pain from his kids.
Just be there an allow him to grieve. I know you say youa aren’t jealous, but it kind of seems like you are. Don’t let him feel your jealousy.
Just be there for him. Even though they were split for a long time and he’s completely over her, it still probably hurts. I hate my ex husband and want to hit him with a truck most days. But after being with him for 10 years and having a kid, we’re just attatched. It would still be a shock and, in a way, kinda hurt.
Just be supportive and be there for them all- shit I hate my daughters sperm donor but if he died I’d be upset too even though I’m in a happy relationship with the love of my life . Just be there for them
Just remember it’s not about you. My mom has been remarried for 15 years, and when my dad passed away they did the same thing with my mom. That’s normal. It’s a big deal. Be there and support him.
Just support them,You have nothing to worry about
Let him be there for his kids and grieve the passing of someone that meant alot to him at one point in time.
Be supportive and just be there for him and go to the funeral with him
“They call him to send condolences like they were still married… I’m not jealous” seems to me you are a bit jealous honestly, but let me put it this way. They were married for 10 years, to give someone as you know since you’ve been with him 11 years which makes his kids more 21 22? If this is this the case they divorced when this the case then they divorced when the kids were about 10? Which means you got with him shortly after? But I digress, they call because it is hard on him to know his girls will live the rest of their adult lives w/o their mother. W/o her love, her guidance, her 3am check ins or check ups. They call because even though they are divorced part of her is still part of him esp since they have children together. I can see why it might bother you but it shouldn’t. You are a valuable part of his life not just bc you have a child together, but bc he chose you to marry. He chose you as his partner, as his support beam, as his right hand person, he trusted you with him and then had a child together. Be what he needs you to be w/e that is. Be there for the girls too. Even if you don’t have a good relationship w/ the other if you know her address send her a card, pick up the phone and let her know you care. Him and his girls are a family and are part of you now, do what helps everyone heal from this. If my ex husbands wife died I’d send condolences and I don’t even like her, but my middle son chose to live with his dad a few years back and she’s helped take care of him. My son would be sad, he’s 19. Idk maybe I’m just weird, but hurt is hurt no matter the form, esp in death since death is forever.
Be there for him. Even though it was his ex-wife, they shared a life together at one point. That’s really significant. He might even feel a little lost or confused by how much it’s impacting him. Just be patient and do what you can for him and the kids.
Just be there for him. Nothing much else you can do
I went to my ex’s funeral just for support…said nothing just let them grieve…was divorce a long time also…but his wife was welcoming all in the past…
Married or not they had kids together, they had history and he probably on some level still cared about her. Why is it odd that people would include him in their sympathies? What do you do? Comfort him and the kid of his that you do get on with and maybe try to fix what is broken with the other kid.They even in their 20s need all the love and family they can get. If you can’t do that, then stay out of the way and let him and his children mourn the mother and person they lost.
My children’s father passed three years ago. Although we hadn’t been together for years it was still heartbreaking. He was someone I once loved and shared two kids with. My heart broke for my children and his family. My best advice is to just be there for him. Let him grieve. It’s hard to explain the mixed emotions I was going through. Some didn’t get it because we weren’t together but when you share kids you are always going to have a place in your heart for their other parent. Listen when he needs someone to talk to. Let him cry. If he needs space give it to him. Just you being there is what he needs!
this isnt about you,so push any thoughts of what about me out of your mind for a bit…he will grieve her the same way he would you if you guys split and he moved on then you died…everyone is stuggling right now as they do with death…ofcourse people are offering condolences shes dead she was still his family and its a hard knock…its not about acting like they was still together its dealing with the finality of death…make a nice meal have a family movie and lots of cuddles…lots.of love all around is all you can do…talk about her to him and encourage him to talk about her openly to the children…memories are all thats left of her…help them remember her it helps with the grief (or atleast does for me)…burn some letters to her or do something in her memory together…
Just be supportive. He’s likely hurting for his kids more than himself. It sounds like you are letting it bother you a little, which really isn’t fair. He had kids with this woman.
Of course they call to offer condolences. They have children, they were married and even if they aren’t anymore- it still hurts.
… dont do anything? I dont understand what you mean. “What should i do?” Do you mean about people calling?.. cuz that woman was a big part of his life at one point and mother to his children so… dont do anything just let him mourn… you should be supporting him… not thinking about what YOU should be doing about people calling him. This deff isnt about you🙄
Be there anyways. Just because they split up, does not mean she wasn’t still a part of him. They did have two kids together, after all. Even if his own feelings for her now are not what they were then, especially now that she is gone, he is gonna remember the times that they had together, the good and the bad. Just be there and love him through this as well as his two older kids as much as possible. Do what you would want her to do if the situation had been reversed.
Just be there for them. Give them your unconditional love and support. I’m sure they will appreciate it more then you’ll know
They are not offering their condolences as if he was still married to her, they are only supporting someone they love who just lost someone who was a massive part of his life. Just because you are currently married to him doesn’t negate the time he spent with her, and the life they had together. He is mourning the loss of his children’s mother, someone who at one time he considered to be his end all, be all. What he is going through now, grieving for himself, and coming to terms with the fact his children lost their mother is awful. All you can do is support them, be there, ask them what they need.
My daughter’s father passed in 2012. She never met him. Never had a relationship with him. But in 2017, she started asking about him alot. she wanted to meet him, etc… She was 14 at the time so I was more than willing to let her meet him, but there was one problem. He had passed in September of 2012 in prison from a head trauma. My daughter had never met him, but she still loved him and she was extremely hurt. I was also hurt and in shock. Not because I loved him or any of that. But because we shared a child together and it was just a sudden shock. I cried because this is someone you had a relationship with and now they are completely gone. They will never walk this earth again. So, at this time, the only thing you can do is let him grieve. He was married to her for a long time and had children with her. Although they moved on, it doesn’t mean it’s not w shock for him that the woman he was married to is gone forever. its sad.
I would offer my sympathy and let him grieve in his own way.
Make some food for the house. Offer to make food for after the service. Make a memory book for him and the kids. Just be there and listen when/if he or the kids need to talk etc
My ex passed away 5 years ago. we were married for 18 years and had 3 children together. My family came and supported my girls mainly, but me as well. Grief is a strange thing. Give him time.
Just be there for him and the kids to offer any help possible. Check in on them don’t matter if you talk or not or like each other or not! Being there for them is what’s important.
Sounds like a very jealous post. Its his childrens mother, a woman he once loved enough to marry and have kids with. Show some respect to him and his kids. Who’s not to say that those kids may now need to live with you especially if young and if there older they’ll need the support of their father and you now more than ever.
First off, console your son, he just lost his stepmother. Then send a card with your condolences to your ex-husband. If you’re feeling up to it, extend the offer to be there if he needs anything.
They have a history. Not all was bad. He has to mourn the good memories. My husband’s ex turned out to be a very good friend. We both mourned her passing
My ex husband (whom was remarried with other children) slipped into a coma and eventually passed, he was the father to my son, although difficult, I still went through many emotions, some guilt from the things we went through while divorcing, beat myself up for the arguments we had which then felt petty, but at the time I had to set all of my feelings aside (his wife and I did not get along) and be there for my son, the hurt in his eye gutted me every time I looked at him. Many of hospital visits where I just sat there outside the room cause it wasn’t my place but I wanted to be there for my son and just kind of stayed in the shadows at the hospital and funeral. My husband just let me do my thing with my son, he was super supportive, made sure we ate, took care of our daughter, fielded phone calls and he just was there to make sure everything else was still going as my focus was elsewhere, also when everything settles down, I am sure your boyfriend will reflect and grieve as well, My advice is to pick up the extras at home and in every day life to show your support, which will keep you busy I am sure and will not go unnoticed when this difficult time passes. . . Good luck and prayers for your family.
You keep your emotions in your pocket and that includes the ((insecurities)) the woman has passed,your husband is allowed to feel something, you wife up,woman up reach out to the other children,family reaching out to him stings you a bit then you need to sit yourself down and reevaluate yourself
By all means go to the funeral, and go with dignity . You said it your self, she is your son’s brothers mother. Go to show your support for your step son. We had a similar situation, my husband, my son and my self went to the funeral. I have never regretted it.
If my ex husband (who I haven’t been married to for 6 yrs) unexpectedly passed. I would still be heart broken. Don’t get me wrong, I am remarried, and I have another boy with my now husband. But I would still cry and be hurt. Why? Bc we are still friends, we are still very much apart of each other’s lives, because we are raising kids together, and even 15 yrs from now we are gonna be sharing grandkids, and weddings, and graduations… and I would weep because he’s gonna miss all of that with my boys. I would weep because my boys will miss their dad and that relationship in which I can not/my husband can not duplicate. My ‘other’ half of my parent team will be gone. And my kids life (and my life) would totally be rearranged. It’s sad. But it’s human. And if you’re upset then sister you are jealous. Let the poor woman Rest In Peace. Be there for your boyfriend, be there for his kids, be there for your grandkids. My grandmother, who hasn’t been married to my grandfather for over 30 yrs, came to his funeral in support of her children and grand children (and great grand children) to me it’s the proper thing to do.
Nothing!! Leave it be. And obviously you are jealous. There are 1st loves and first babies, and it seems no matter the time and new loves there is love you just can’t deny.
I would just be a support and I get he’s thinking all sorts of things. Just validate his feelings.
When my mom passed my her and my dad had been separated for over 25 years, and that’s one of the only times I saw him cry over her, and it was alot
They spent along time together and made many memories and made babies together
He’s gotta see her In them. Her smile, her laugh something… and plus is a reminder of our own mortality
Just be present for your husband. No words, just be… Everyone grieves differently, just being close when he needs you is comforting…
Let him talk, or grieve as he needs to. There will be a flood of memories, because thats what happens when someone you know dies. Try not to take it personally as you know it was a long time ago, but just let him reminisce as he needs to. he had kids with her & even if people dont get along well that is a strong bond.
& your bond will grow with him, if you become his rock thru this & not an anchor <3
Ask them. Being there for them if they’d like to talk ir need a shoulder would most definitely be appreciated. Just be patient, they will tell/show you what they need.
Nothing. It isn’t about you
Just be there for him and their kids and let them grieve in their own way. Other than that there’s very little you can do.
Just be there for them, its all anyone can do.
Be kind, loving and be there for them all. It’s a family loss. Your boyfriend is allowed to feel or mourn the love and feelings they once had and the sadness and fear for his son that’s mother won’t be there for so many BIG important moment. When my sons father died a few years ago my husband seemed a little jealous (i think that’s normal) because I definitely mourned him and the loss for my son. I told my husband when he wanted to correct my son about a memory (he took him to a movie not his dad) “you get all of our today and tomorrow’s so let him have every yesterday that my son wants to give him”. It’s difficult but the entire family needs you and their son NEEDS you more than he or you even know.
That’s all
Offer condolences and move on.
First off he is just a baby momma. He is your boyfriend only, he married the mother of his children no comparison none. Not to say he doesn’t love you
Just be supportive, they may not have been married anymore, but she was still the mother of his children, and they have a history. It’s normal for people to offer him their condolences. And it’s 100% justified for him to be sad.
Just be there. Sometimes that’s all you can do❤️
Just support your loved ones, have sympathy and ask what they need. Be their rock and even though they divorced years ago that will not change the fact she was the mother of his children and that is heartbreaking for him on so many levels. Be the shoulder, the rock, the emotional support.
My sons dad passed away in May. My husband was there for my sons. And i was there for them and there step mom. Always think about the kids. Cause in the long run. They’ll remeber you was there when they needed u the most.
Be there to support him and the kids.
Just be there for them love. She was a big part of his and theirs lives. If it weren’t for her he wouldn’t have two of his babies.
Just be there for him and let him grieve… keep your personal feelings, out of itn
Just be there! Give him/ them time!
Give him time to process. Just assure him you are there. Loss is a tricky roller coaster of emotions and this is bound to bring up feelings. Be his shoulder. Just dont be pushy.
I lost my ex in 2005 and each year everyone knows to give me space. Even my current.
There’s nothing you can do… Just let him grieve. Even though he loves you, he still has a different kind of love for her. Just be there if they need you.
Just be there for him. My kids’ father passed away in January. I grieved over him. I think it’s normal. Let him work through it but also let him know that you’re there for him.
You do sound jealous. It was his wife, thats the mother of his child:woman_facepalming:t2: just because your the new wife/mother doesn’t mean the past one is unaccountable. Grow the fuck up. He has a good family and is lucky for them to be so supportive, maybe you should follow the examples his family shows you 
Just be supportive to him and his kids. That’s all.
I very confused after reading.
Not much you can do but support each person in any way you can. I was three years deep in a relationship when my son’s father past and it hit me hard. Its really hard to deal with those feelings. You had a bind with them. Your child just lost their other half of their family unit. So many things to think about.
Just be there for them. That’s all you can do
Be as supportive as u can, it’s got to be hard knowing someone u was married too, was close to and have kids to has passed away, he might not be upset for him self but upset for his kids loosing there mum,
Just be there and ask him what he needs. He might need space, he might need to talk about it, he might need to just be around his kids. Everyone greaves loss differently. And while this was his ex of a long time ago, it was still the mother of his children and he’s allowed to greave for not only his loss but there’s as well. It doesn’t mean he loves you less or that there was something going on between them.
Offering condolances is perfect as a start. The hard part will be listening with sympathy while they work out their grief. It isn’t because they don’t value you, it’s just a normal human emotion no matter how long it has been since the original split. Be glad that they are capable of being caring individuals and not careless and callous.
go to the funeral and pay your respects. if you didnt get on with her ask her widowed husband if you can attend.
Just be there for them all, it seemed weird that he is visably upset but at the end of the day he had to love her I’d they been married ten years before the divorce an sometimes when people get divorced it’s alot of things the love for each other mite have left their relationship but the love in general could still be there for multiple different reasons
I agree with the others and let them grieve and just offer to be there for them, if your having a hard time dealing with this, you can go off somewhere on your own and find something to do for a little bit and go back when you’ve calmed down. But yes like others said ask him what he wants , he’ll let you know;) hang in there! You got this!