My Boyfriend's Mom Tries to Claim My Daughter for Every Holiday and... No Thanks! Advice?

Relationships
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QUESTION:

"I’m living with my boyfriend’s mom. Our daughter is 1. Ever since she was born; my boyfriend’s mother thinks she has to be around her every day.

I took our daughter to my mom’s for Halloween since my mom never sees her, and she got mad and upset, but she was with her for her first Christmas and first birthday.

She’s already claiming next Halloween with her. When I mention to my boyfriend about taking her somewhere as a family, she always says she wants to go. I’m not sure how to feel; I’m mad and upset."

RELATED QUESTION: My ex-boyfriend’s mom always gives me advice I do not want: Thoughts?

TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

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“YOU ARE THE MOM, NOT HER. YOU MAKE THE DECISIONS, NOT HER. YOUR FAMILY COUNTS. ‘NO’ IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE.”

“You are an adult. Make your own decisions. No one is allowed to “claim” days with your child unless you let them. If you don’t like it then don’t allow it.”

“You should love the fact she wants to be around her all the time but also set boundaries!”

“Establish boundaries, sure she may be helping you out with you staying with her but that doesn’t mean she gets the golden ticket to do whatever she wants with YOUR daughter. You need time as a family between you and your SO and child. Just you three. Stay strong!”

“It can definitely be frustrating when someone always wants to be in control such as claiming holidays. However, you need to understand it comes from a place of love she loves your daughter so much that she doesn’t want to miss out on these special moments. And that’s okay but you just have to approach the situation differently we will be home from this time to this time on Halloween and then we will be going to my mother’s. or you could start setting up a date every other week on Thursday we have dinner with my mother. When you do things like this you are setting a boundary and sooner or later she will catch on. just remember it comes from a place of love she’s not doing it to be evil to be spiteful to be negative in any way, she just loves her grandbaby.”

“Maybe try encouraging her and your mom to buddy up. Sounds like your little one will never want for love and time with at least one grandparent. Maybe having the grandma’s get together can strengthen those bonds in the long run.”

“You will need to move out and tell her no. You are the mother not her, talk to your boyfriend about saving up and getting your own place.”

“I hate that for you. I get where she’s coming from she just loves her and wants to be around her, but she has to step back into grandma’s place.”

“You gotta set boundaries. You’re your baby’s mom. Not her. She has no right to claim ANY holiday despite you living there. Plan something for just YOUR little family and tell her no when she wants to be involved tell her it’s YOUR OWN family she already had her kids, watched them grow, etc. It’s yours and your boyfriend’s turn.”

“You and your little family need your own place. It can be hard to set boundaries as a parent if you’re living like a child in someone else’s home.”

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READ ALL ANSWERS BELOW:

21 Likes
2

Just put your foot down and tell her no.

6 Likes
3

You will need to move out and tell her no. You are the mother not her, talk to your boyfriend about saving up and getting your own place.

5 Likes
4

You are an adult. Make your own decisions. No one is allowed to “claim” days with your child unless you let them. If you don’t like it then don’t allow it :woman_shrugging:t2:

13 Likes
5

You should love the fact she wants to be around her all the time but also set boundries!

6 Likes
6

Move out, if possible

1 Like
7

So easy to fix, move out…Problem solved

6 Likes
8

It’s ok to establish boundaries. You can do it. She will be upset, but unfortunately it is a conversation that needs to happen. Good luck.

2 Likes
9

Grow up and get your own place, its called adults group. In the mean time spend your holidays as you choose!

3 Likes
10

You are mad that she has a grandma that loves her and wants to be around her for all the big moments in her life? Take it from someone with no family in my kids lives that I would kill for my kids to have their grandparents around.

9 Likes
11

Put your foot down and tell her it’s your kid what you say goes

1 Like
12

Definitely put your foot down now or it will only get worse. If she’s that controlling she will probably be mad and want you to move out.

1 Like
13

Maybe try encouraging her and your mom to buddy up. Sounds like your little one will never want for love and time with at least one grandparent. Maybe having the grandma’s get together can strengthen those bonds in the long run.

3 Likes
14

You and your little family need your own place. It can be hard to set boundaries as a parent if you’re living like a child in someone else’s home.

2 Likes
15

Okay plain and simple you’re the mother what you say goes and that’s the end of that. And that’s the way it happens in my house. In other words put your foot down. She’s your child and you’ll do as you please. I’ve never heard of anyone clamming days like that. Really!!! Children are not trophies!!! I don’t let people play that kind of game with children especially my children. They are not to play tug-of-war with. if you want your mother to see your child then that’s up to you but your kid in the car and go see your mother tell everybody that’s how it is tell them you don’t care what they think about you and you don’t care about their opinions and you’re the mother and that’s the way it is. you should see the look on people’s faces when I do that I’m like listen I don’t care what you think about me and I don’t care about your opinions I care about mine. I’m learning to not care what others think of me and my decisions and my comments, thoughts or opinions.

4 Likes
16

Establish boundaries, sure she may be helping you out with you staying with her but that doesn’t mean she gets the golden ticket to do whatever she wants with YOUR daughter. You need time as a family between you and your SO and child. Just you three. Stay strong!

4 Likes
17

You gotta set boundaries. You’re your babies mom. Not her. She has no right to claim ANY holiday despite you living there. Plan something for just YOUR little family and tell her no when she wants to be involved tell her its YOUR OWN family she already had her kids, watched them grow, etc. Its yours and your boyfriends turn.

2 Likes
18

It can definitely be frustrating when someone always wants to be in control such as claiming holidays. however you need to understand it comes from a place of love she loves your daughter so much that she doesn’t want to miss out on these special moments. And that’s okay but you just have to approach the situation differently we will be home from this time to this time on Halloween and then we will be going to my mother’s. or you could start setting up a date every other week on Thursday we have dinner with my mother. When you do things like this you are setting a boundary and sooner or later she will catch on. just remember it comes from a place of Love she’s not doing it to be evil to be spiteful to be negative in any way, she just loves her grandbaby.

3 Likes
19

I get this, I also get that you live with her. so I’m sure shes offering you quite a bit of help and just wants to spend time with her grand baby. My mom gets upset when we spend holidays with others bc of the kids and I’ve lived on my own for about 6 years now. Shes a grandma It doesn’t ever go away. Not saying moving out doesnt help bc it does. Alot. But accept that it’s her loving your baby either way you’re always going to upset someone. It shouldn’t matter

20

I had the same problem with my MIL, although we don’t live together and I am wayyy too outspoken for it to stand. I stepped on quite a few toes and hurt several feelings in the beginning. But I made it a point to make my own plans and extend an invite to the grandparents when I wanted to. This way, I was able to do what I wanted to do and they could choose whether to participate or not. We have 2 kids together and he has my bonus daughter from a previous marriage. A lot of our plans revolve around her moms plans so that we can have all the kids together for anything big… as far as I’m concerned that’s all the compromise we are willing to make

1 Like
21

There’s a loving and wanting to be around for moments w grandchild. And being a little sad when they can’t be part of something. But this sounds like way extravagant…just simply talk to your bf and or her and explain. I love you. I’m glad you get to and my daughter gets to spend all these moments together. But you have to understand i also want to do just “us” things too.

1 Like
22

Why couldn’t your mom come to spend the night for the 1st xmas or u go over there in the afternoon, same thing with the bday did u not have a party? Why couldn’t ur mom be there? Like honestly just invite your mom over 🤷🤷

1 Like
23

Trouble ahead. It will only get worse!!

5 Likes
24

I hate that for you.

I get where she’s coming from she just loves her and wants to be around her, but she has to step back into grandmas place

4 Likes
25

Tell her that either she can let your mom see her an equal amount, or they have to see her together from now on. And that sometimes “family,” just means parents and children.

26

You decide. Not her.

2 Likes
27

I’d do anything for my kids to have a grandmother like that!

2 Likes
28

Wild question I guess

Why not make it a family thing? Your mom, his mom, you 3.

29

She doesn’t need to go with you to your side of the family’s stuff? That’s weird IMO.

30

Even if you need to get into low income housing RUN

31

Your child your rules! Y’all need space as a family.

32

If you’re living with her, she’s probably going to bond with your child. It’s great that she wants to be a part of her life. Set boundaries, of course! But the more people that love my kids, the better in my eyes!! If you don’t like her being around your child, time to move! But I understand not letting her be overbearing and making sure she’s close to your mother too!

33

Some grandparents are a lot more active in a grandchilds life. For me it was my mom and dad. Be glad that your child that has someone that loves them and wants to be active in your child’s life. And remember it’s ok to tell her that other people love your child too. And deserve time with the child also.

34

Don’t let her control u but honestly what’s wrong with her wanting to be around? Why not make it so both r around for everything? Explain to her that she has two sets of grandparents and that both need to spend time with the child and that it’s not fair of her to expect only her to have holidays… as for family trips explain it’s a mom dad and kids thing only and that it’s important to have bonding time as a family away from everything sometimes… If that don’t work be Momma bear and tell her if things don’t change she won’t be around much at all.

35

If your mom & mother in law live close enough it’d be worth it to have granny days.
If they don’t get along, not your problem, they’re adults and you’ll know with the first time if they do have conflict, whether or not they’re willing to set that aside.
My two grandsons other grandmother don’t live close so we often trade off :woman_shrugging:
It gives us and our grandsons both time to bond and have time and when we do have the opportunity to get together they get double the Nana love :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:
We don’t agree on everything, but we do agree that we love our grandchildren.

36

You need to remind her that your daughter has a right to know both sides of her family. Her blood shares not just her sons ancestry but yours as well. Try to be gentle with her but remind her that you are her mother and you will share your daughter with your family just like you share her with her. Knowing ones family roots is not a privilege it’s a right.

37

Stand up for yourself and make a decision and stick to it. Either you let the grandmother control you and your child or you control you and your child. She may throw a tantrum but then that’s her problem. Both sets of grandparents deserve equal time or whatever time you decide is appropriate.

38

She should be supported by the family and what’s wrong with both Grandmother being a part of Halloween

39

Time to move out get your own place as a family . then have your own rules

1 Like
40

The 'only ‘way to not have mother- in -law imposeing is to’ not 'live with mother- in- law,you and other half old enought to have a 1yr. old,you are old enough to have your own place.She would not expect these things from you if you had your own place.She probably feels she has certain rights since you have been there since the childs birth.

41

Make it a family affair that way no one gets left out

42

MOVE OUT! She probably thinks that because you’re living under her roof you live by her rules.

43

Put your foot down now it gets worse

5 Likes
44

1st- Take a moment and appreciate that your child is so lucky to have all these ppl who love her fighting for her time. 2nd- u are her mother. You make the decisions. Imo I would try to be inclusive to all parties. If that was not possible then I would try to take turns. Dont get angry tho. Its beautiful that your daughter is so loved

2 Likes
45

Does she do things to undermine you as a parent or just wants to spend time with her? Does she try to over run other parts of your lives? Is her company hostile? Does she talk crap about you and your parenting? Its hard to give advice without knowing anything but she wants to spend time with her grandchild, so with just that info I say let grandma be around as much as possible, the more to love the merrier

46

Definitely move out…
and then you won’t have her knowing your every move

Some grandchildren don’t have grandparents that are involved maybe they chime in 3-4 times a year
So you don’t want to push her away from having a relationship with your daughter

47

Moms " nobody spends time with my child … nobody bonds with my kid … I’m so upset "

Also moms " someone is wanting to spend time with my kid , to be around … to be a grandparent. My child is loved oh no …" :roll_eyes::unamused:

Just be happy shes there for fucks sake.

Dont @ me cause idgaf lol

48

You should tell your boyfriend he needs to talk to her about boundaries. That’s his mom he needs to be the one to check her. If he doesn’t then you should.

49

Lol when me bf and I lived with his mom saving for our first place we had our first child, she tried to claim “grandma custody” every weekend. Even though she was around him every day. The only thing that helped was moving out.

50

If your mom cannot step up then let her go with them I hate how so.e parents have grandparents never around then want claim on holidays

51

Have a sit down.
Maybe she knows how crazy she is acting, but maybe not. She may just have an obsession that she doesn’t see/understand.
Is this her first grand baby?

Hard to fully decide why she is acting that way and/or if it’s just her being crazy or too loving.

Have a discussion with her and your other half. Explain to her she’s over stepping her boundaries and it’s becoming suffocating.

52

In the SAME position as you. We’ve had a couple times where her feelings got hurt because I demanded authority because she crossed boundaries.

Your child, your rules and decisions. She needs to know you’re in charge of your own child. Have a conversation with your SO about it, but don’t be afraid to tell her NO.

53

You live with her soooo…
If you go to your mom’s house will your mil be left alone?

54

It sounds very possessive, like you feel that you have little control over the choices in your life. I imagine there’s a lot of pressure to mother a certain way, too - both from the “mom-in-law” and boyfriend. I was in that situation myself and I was young and naive and I let myself be a doormat. I felt powerless and opinion less…that daughter is 14 and our relationship still suffers from the early years with grandma overstepping her bounds and thinking she’s mom. There’s a line between active, concerned grandparent and overbearing monster trying to relive motherhood through your child. Stand your ground and assert your role as the person who gave this child life

55

Also, get the hell out of the living situation ASAP 'cause that situation never turns out well for anyone. Whatever benefits you are having from living there are NOT worth the drama and psychological BS that inevitably happens when you’re living with other people in an uncomfortable situation. You will ALL be much happier living separately and you will be able to parent how you want.

56

Time to move out she thinks she owns you because you are living in her house…

57

Yep time to move out

58

This is hard because you live with her she’s helping you raise her. She probably feels like she’s doing all the important stuff with you and then she doesn’t get to enjoy the fun days like Halloween. I’d have a conversation about how you appreciate her and her letting you live with her and talk about how you feel and ask suggestions on how you can make her feel better and have her feel ok with you spending family time without her

1 Like
59

Start working on boundaries. Have you spent time with grandma alone, establised a friendship beyond tenant, grandbaby producer, it will make the conversation easier. Does she have activities other than “grandmaing”. Now politely and nicley let her know that your mom wants to exercise her grandma skills too. I am a relatively new grandma…as in I still kinda like the lil devil. His paternal grandma is deceased, but my competion is my own sister. I have access to him anytime and I had to get out of my feelings as accept that there was more love for him to go around…and hope that I am still alive in 15-20 years to "columbus’ her grandbaby​:smiling_face_with_three_hearts::smiling_face_with_three_hearts::smiling_face_with_three_hearts:Best of luck to you, it doesn’t have to be a stressful battle offer alternate years, days, etc. It will work out​:smiling_face_with_three_hearts::smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

2 Likes
60

For real though If I was living with my significant others mom she’s automatically invited. This isn’t really even a question unless you’re leaving stuff out like she’s awful to be around or tries to parent your kid or something wild like that. If it was my mom she’s always invited. That’s family.

1 Like
61

It sounds like you should be happy she wants to be an active grandma. Also, start splitting holidays

5 Likes
62

Set boundaries and get your own home. Both Grandmothers should get Baby time…
Guess I’m fortunate, I babysit my grandkids. And the other grandparents are always welcome. We even have one step-grandmother over for my 14 yr olds daughters birthday.

1 Like
63

Distancing would be a good idea. Move out or you will be sorry. Then do what everyone else does balance between the 2 families. Christmas eve with one Christmas day the other or christmas day brunch with one supper with the other. You do that with every holiday or occasion. This woman needs to realize it is not her child. It is a grandchild an she has to share an what you say goes. And daddy should be backing you up.

1 Like
64

HMMM you are living with the boyfriend who is no longer a boyfriends Mom??Time to move…The boyfriend doesnt seem to be asking for the daughter, but other is??? I wouldnt want to spend time with him and her either. but he has moved on and in a relationship…You are not part of the family, your daughter is…

1 Like
65

When my daughter was little we split the holidays Christmas Eve with my family. Christmas with dad’s( I worked in health care) was no big deal

66

I think you should move out if you don’t like how she wants things. Her house her rules.

3 Likes
67

Personally, I think you should move, and until you and boyfriend are husband and wife at least, set some boundaries otherwise there will be some hurt feelings especially if it doesn’t work out, attachments are forming and it’s not healthy for either party

4 Likes
68

So i have a few suggestions.

  1. Save up and move. Trust me it will be better to have space.
  2. Split the holidays
  3. Remind her you are the child’s mother
  4. Tell her that you and your bf just need time with your daughter. Set some bounderies.
3 Likes
69

I would kindly remind her that while you are grateful that she is accepting your child and taking such a serious role in your childs life. The baby is still YOUR child. Try to reach an agreement of spending the holidays equally?

3 Likes
70

I don’t get how family can be upset over how much time they want to spend with each other it doesn’t make sense. Be happy your daughter has all these figures in her life

1 Like
71

She should respect your wishes period. My mom or my grandma(her mom) does not dictate what i do with my kids at all bc i dont allow it.

72

We did Christmas Eve at one home and the day at another. The next year switched. Maybe she wants to be included cause she is lonely

1 Like
73

Mom needs to stay in her lane, she is not the parent!

1 Like
74

You’re your childs mother and you need to stand your ground, otherwise she will just continue to walk all over you. If that means you move out and get your own place, then so be it.

75

It really a good thing the his mother wants to be part of your daughters life but YOU need to lay down some ground rules Holidays are to be divided up at your discretion your mother should get as much time with her a possible… Take my word on this I’m a 5 time grandma 1 time great grandma and 6 time step grandma and 7 time step grandma… If your boyfriends mother really cares about your daughter she will understand…

76

Set boundaries. Get a job and earn your own money if you dont have one and get a place of your own. The sooner the better.

1 Like
77

Thats just jealousy and its not right.

78

Your child your decision.

2 Likes
79

Is it possible to include both mothers?

1 Like
80

Put your foot down now or you’ll deal with this until she moves out…

81

Why are you living with her?

2 Likes
82

The old folks would say this is what happens when you play house. You should be married and living with the guy before you have kids and this wouldn’t happen. Don’t know what to say once you go outside of that. Things just get complicated and you have to learn to deal with it and live your life the best way you see fit.

4 Likes
83

I can’t believe this is even a conversation. Your the mom your rules.

84

This is a much more lively discussion than I thought it would be. I guess Dearly doesn’t always just post click bait

1 Like
85

Stand your ground!!!

86

Try spending half the day with each family so they all get to see her. I know it can be hard. But the more ppl who love her the better it’ll be :heart::heart:

2 Likes
87

You guys should get ur own place…she’s deff overstepping.

4 Likes
88

It’s hard when you live with them. When we were staying with my husband’s parents big holidays were with them, but “kids” holidays ( 4th of july and haloween) were with my family because there were kids on my side and not his. We did a separate Christmas with my family, and had birthday parties in a public location with everyone allowed

89

Move out and get your own place!!

1 Like
90

If u want a live you need to start now

91

If I was in this situation, I would sit everyone down and discuss how you can work out the arrangements. If she gets assy, remind her that it took two people coming from two families to make this child, and that the child has rights to both, and if she has a problem with that, then you can make sure that she doesn’t see your daughter. Your boyfriend also needs to step up and tell his mom to lay off. As I said, it takes two to tango and he’s gotta defend you as well.

92

Be glad she wants to be involved. I am raising be step son because his mother passed away, he is 10 and my son is 9 and my in-laws exclude my son from everything. I would be over the moon if they treated my son like he was part of the family as well. My husband and I have been together 7 years and they still exclude him. Also it is going to be hard for you to set boundaries and have family time without his mother if your living in her home.

93

She sounds narcissistic, read up in it. Watch videos on YouTube, this isn’t normal, your the parent and your bf should back you 100%

94

I’m also a grandmother and watch my granddaughter and as much as I love her, she is not my daughter and my son and her mother are her parents. I defer all to them before doing anything. And you should set boundaries since you are the mom.