My son’s dad and I split up and we have a custody agreement. Lately he has not been showing up on his agreed upon days. I don’t care if he doesn’t show up but it leaves my 5 year old son absolutely devastated. I’m looking for advice on how to comfort him or how to make him feel better. Thank you for any advice you can offer.
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Reassure that YOU love him, he’s done nothing wrong and you’re not sure why his dad is not following through. ALWAYS tell your son when Dad is or isn’t supposed to come he has a right to know! No matter how YOU may feel and no matter how your son feels. Just show him attention and love. As kids get older they realize who the problem parent is and eventually they will stop asking to see the inconsistent parent. TOUGH LOVE.
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When a parent is inconsistent like this it is so hard on children. I learned to never tell my kids ahead of time that their dad was coming. The way if he didn’t show they weren’t devastated.
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Tell him the truth. Dad may or may not come. If he asks why he does not come. Again the truth. You don’t know. Advise him to ask Dad himself… Why. Try to have a back up plan for those days.
It’s sad to see your son sad and confused. Be strong Queen.
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My dad stopped showing up when I was 7. For good. My mom said I was so broken and asking why over and over. My heart physically HURT when I read this post. I’m so sorry for your baby, Mama.
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I’ve stopped telling them he is coming over. If he happens to show up its like a surprise and my kids get excited. Unfortunate, but we gotta do what we gotta do. Hugs Mama 
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Document it, after a while you can get parental rights taken from him.
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Don’t tell him his dad is coming. Just have your day and if he shows, great, if not, it’s OK.
Have a chat with your ex and ask what’s going on and ask your lawyer if there’s anything to be done about his no-shows. Ask ex if he wants out of the relationship entirely as this might be easier in the long run for your boy. Say he moved far away or something.
This kind of deadbeat dad behavior really makes me mad. I feel badly for your son.
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Document it. Take your son to do something. Stop telling him he’s coming over, until he shows up. When my ex and I first split up. He’d do this. So I wouldn’t tell my kids that they were going with their dad… Until he actually showed up. We just wouldn’t go anywhere that day. Until after he was supposed to be there. But before, when I would tell them… Or he would tell them he’s coming to get them… And didn’t…I would take them to the park. Go get some ice cream… Being so young… They would forget. When we would leave to go do something fun. Out of mind kind of thing.
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It is sad, unfortunately you can’t protect him from feeling hurt…be honest with him but keep it age appropriate…say something like “I’m sorry your Dad has not turned up son” “I’m not sure why he has not come” “I know it’s disappointing” “but we are going to do something fun”
love on your boy, if Dad keeps letting him down he will be just shooting himself in the foot in the long run. Your boy will turn out more then fine if he has a good reliable loving Mama.xx
Shame on Dad!!
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Don’t tell your kid that the dad is coming . Prepare whatever you need to prepare on the sly but let your kid enjoy their day . If he asks about the dad tell your kid he is really busy . There will come a time when your kid will know the truth but it’s not this age . Sending love
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This is a hard one and I’m so sorry you have to go through this and see your boy so upset 
The consequence of his dad doing this can be your son questioning why he isn’t worthy. So maybe counteract it with a lot of positive affirmations and praise. I don’t understand how a parent could ever do this to a child. It’s unthinkable.
You can’t force someone to be a parent. Dont tell your son that he’s coming and if he pitches up it will be a surprise. This is to protect your son and not make it convenient for the a€#hole. It may work in your favour one day if you want to move out of town.
Just don’t tell the kids that he’s coming til you physically see him or cut ties all together. Revise visitation thru the courts and document everything.
If he’s only 5 do not tell him when he’s supposed to come. Calmly talk to the father and explain that he’s hurting his child. Then go on about your business. Never speak negatively about him. Pray for him and their relationship and never be the reason he’s not showing up.
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Change the court order and stop telling your son when his father should be picking him up. Instead document everything and just keep your child away from him until he can be consistent.
Start making plans for you two, zoo time park time take his mind off of dad not showing up … keep doing it and eventually dad will be an absent weekend fun
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Don’t tell him when his father is supposed to pick him up. It just leave a child/children disappointed. If he shows up great it’s a SURPRISE!!
I would start by telling him that daddy is going to be working more so he won’t be able to see his daddy as much as he have been. Then don’t mention to him bout going to see his dad again then when his dad show up your little boy will be all happy. This way u don’t have to keep seeing him get upset
Following cause same situation but no custody agreement…yet
Don’t tell your son what days he’s coming so if he doesn’t show, your son won’t be disappointed. And if he does show, it’ll be a nice surprise.
He must have another woman
Don’t even tell the kid dad is coming. If dad shows up, cool. If not, no disappointment.
Don’t ask me cause I always said daddy had to work.
Just don’t tell child he’s comming,have a bag prepared and hidden somewhere for when he does come,never put the father down to the child,if they ask just say I don’t know sweetie,a child will work out things as they get older
Do you have a court ordered agreement? If not get it to court where it is written by the judge
I really question the intelligence of people who send these in how can you have a kid and lack common sense
Spend as much time with him as you can keep him busy and always remind him you love him and have his back it’s always gonna hurt but as he gets older he’ll learn who he can depend on and never let him know when he’s suppose to come let it always be a surprise of him showing up
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STOP telling your child his dad is coming when you know he’s not. If he comes he comes and the child is happy.
My opinion and my suggestion is never lie to your child it shows character about yourself as a parent and whoever lies to their children I will pray for you but best of luck to the mama posting this. Be strong. I hope everything works out with you and your family sending love and positive vibes. 🫶🏼❤️
Oh how my heart breaks for you both. I went thru this with my oldest daughter and her father. She is now in her 30s, we both survived but she paid the price. I stopped packing her bag or even bringing up father time. Eventually he went to prison for couple years and she was 15 when he got out.
It is so hard but all I can say is hold him and make sure he knows he is loved. Never ever bad mouth father. Your son will figure it out with age.
Never tell him beforehand. When he gets older he will understand why it was always a surprise.
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My ex did the same thing. Best you can do is be there and no negative comments. They will fell what they feel. I had one that was very forgiving and one that wasn’t. I just had to let them work through it without me giving any negative comments.
This is horrible when parent is inconsistent. I also went through this, with my kids. I quit calling out when it was “daddy’s weekend” or “daddy’s time”. After so long, I started making plans with the kids myself. When daddy would say he was coming to get the children, I said, NO! Not this weekend you’re not. I made plans with them, and you created this, by you being inconsistent. Then I would tell the dad, if you want to start at trying this again, next weekend, then we will. If he doesn’t show up, again, then make plans with the child again and get into the courts, if the father continues to act like that. I sure hope he doesn’t have joint custody, acting like this. He would have no custody and every other weekend, if this was my ex…I didn’t put up with this. He should have communication with YOU, If he can’t come get the child he should atleast let you know.
You need to record that and take him back to court.
I think anyone would feel disappointment in this situation. This is such a tough age to understand this emotion. Disappointment is tough, no matter the age. I would teach him some skills that can help him work through this but also understand there are going to be other situations where he feels this way.
Stop telling him if and when dad is coming. Usually I would say it’s easier to establish a routine but not here. If he shows up great if not then wait a few months and either go back to court or have that firm conversation with him life goes on yes but it’s supposed to involve your child. Other than show him love momma there is not much you can do but be there and unfortunately as I know all to well your going to be the shoulder to cry on. As hard as it is just be there there’s going to be ups and downs and you might even notice a behaviour change. Just keep on top of his feelings when he is feeling them. In my case I also let my child’s school know in case there were tough days. I even gave him the option to stay home when his class dad themed days because he always felt left out. He always cries and the principle always sent him home. Fast forward. His father passed away 2 years after FINALLY getting his shit together. Let me tell you that’s a whole new chapter in was not prepared for. Also I found it did sometimes help to have him talk to someone else other than myself. I know it’s a long reply but I feel for your little as well as you. I really do hope things get better.
Let the father know how this is impacting the child and give him the chance to fix it. If he doesn’t correct it then do what you gotta do. Don’t tell the kiddo ahead of time and redirect subject if child brings up dad.
My daughters father would message me saying he was on his way and then a couple hours later cancel. She’d be all packed and ready to go… then nothing. He’s avoided child support for 12 years and has seen her maybe 20 times in that time period. Hasn’t seen her in 6 months now bc he had a 3rd baby…
I don’t tell my daughter until he’s about to pull into the driveway. Toooo many days watching her scream for him thinking he’s coming. And we’ve been split up for 6+ years
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You either take him back to court or he stops coming. Bur never tell a kid so and so is coming to get you tonight. Tell em when the other party is in the driveway. Sadly sometimes gotta be done
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He’s 5, I would tell him something came up. And then no heads up if he’s coming or not. Let it be a surprise to him than a let down when he no shows.
Prayers. Coparenting is rough.
Don’t get him ready or tell him about the visit in advance. I told my stepson’s Mom she was either going to be consistent and SHOW UP, OR she wasn’t going to visit at all. She became consistent 
It broke my heart to see the children’s heart breaking when she didn’t show.
(This was 30+ years ago)
Like so many gals suggested, just keep going on with life. Don’t mention anything until you know for sure that he’s going to show up. The kid’s will figure it out when they are grown and karma will come back to him. It worked for me. My boys wanted nothing to do with him when they grew up. I just always stayed out of it.
Oh your poor baby! I dealt with this too. I wouldn’t tell them because they were so hurt and confused as why he wouldn’t show. And if he did, it was a nice surprise🎉
Don’t tell him dad is picking him up, that way when he does show up son will be excited and it will be unexpected.
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We had it put in orders that my ex must give atleast a 48 hr notice notifying us that he is taking his visit or else he forfeits his visit. Perfect for weekends such as these where there is no notice and he has no intentions on coming. It is very hard on the kiddos. I put my son in counseling starting a a young age because of this. It has helped because even though we have a very open communication there are still things that he doesn’t want to talk to me about because he thinks it will hurt my feelings. When it comes to visits, the counselor recommended a calendar that was just the kids calendar. We put any fun activities on it along with dad visits. That way if he wanted to know he could see when his dad is supposed to come but it wasn’t brought up multiple times a month to cause increased anxiety. My son now 9 is starting to see through his dad and his bs but it has taken a long time. He recently made the comment that his dad will tell him that it’s been forever since since he’s seen him …but that it wouldn’t have been forever if he would actually take his visits. So as hard as it is I do believe it is important that they know.
Stop telling him that his dad will pick him up so he doesn’t get disappointed when his dad doesn’t show up.
Just has his stuffs ready but hidden in case he actually shows up to get him.
I have 2 reccomendations
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Therapy for your son
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Document all times and confirm them via text with your ex (or at least text him and remind him that he’s supposed to pick son up at X time) and then do a follow up text when he doesn’t pick him up. Put it in a notebook as well. After 4-6 months of this, take things back to court and get more custody time for yourself and increase the child support.
A lot of guys ask for more time than they want so they pay less in child support.
Get him in therapy. And don’t be cruel or shit talk ur ex to him. Unfortunately you gotta take a gentle and easy approach. Dad must be cought up or dad loves you sometimes things as grown ups make it hard to follow thru on our commitments and it hurts people but it happens.
Best thing tho is to have a mutual party. A therapist is best in these situations so your kid can work thru the hard feelings of abandonment and emotional neglect. Definitely have a conversation with your ex about why he is doing this and what can be reasonably done to make sure he does not harm him emotionally. If it continues and there is nothing he does to change it go to court and restrict his access. Change it to court ordered professional supervision until he completes parenting classes and does a mental health evaluation.
Never lie to him… Just say something like 'idk why your dad isn’t showing up ’ or just don’t tell them he is coming.
Your son will remember who showed up for him and who didnt. Take him to the park or plan an fall back activity when dad doesnt show up. Dont let the dad dictate your life
Been there. Let him explain. When the child gets older he will remember
I know times are hard but take your son for ice cream let him talk about how he feels. The hurt runs deep and is hard been there.
On top of what everyone has said, always have a Plan B of something to do. May help distract
Stop expecting it. Stop telling your child dad’s gonna be there. Just live day to day. Don’t talk bad about ex but never say “daddy loves you.” If daddy loved them. He’d be there. Never make excuses. The child will grow up and learn the truth then dispise you for covering the ex.
Keep track of it a journal
This is heartbreaking I’m so sorry you guys are dealing with a shitty dad 
Don’t bring up to the child that its “dads day” that way there’s no disappointment… and if he decides to show… it’s a surprise. If the child asks about dad, just say " I know you miss your dad, but I am not sure what dad is doing, I am not in charge of dad, I’m only in charge of us… but would you like to do this… ( activity) with mommy?" To keep the child’s mind off the fact that their dad is being a loser. Always acknowledge how their feeling though.
Also, I know you probably dont…but don’t talk badly about dad… even though he seems like a jerk… your child will realize soon enough what dad is.
Take him back to court🤷🏻♀️
Stop telling him Dad is coming. Just make it be a surprise. If he asks explain you can’t control daddy but u can control yourself and that you love him more than anything in the world. I went through this. It’s heartbreaking. My daughter is now 19yrs old and doesn’t want anything to do with him. She says mom u were always there. I didn’t need him cuz I could always count on YOU! it’s going to be okay in the end but right now, just shower him in love. Never make a big deal about him coming or not coming in front of the kid.
Advice: don’t tell him his dad is supposed to pick him up.