Hey everyone I need opinions because my anxiety is just so high. So I applied for some assistance because I’m struggling. I dont make too much but enough to pay my bills. Well my kids dad got served child support papers and he called me freaking out. He doesn’t want to go to court obviously. He wants to have an agreement with me to pay me weekly to help me instead of going to court. Which seems nice but its been almost 5 years and it’s been a struggle to have him help me now. When I do ask for help he would get mad I even asked or threatened to tey to take my kids full-time so I didnt have to. Now with it being summer says he will take the kids every other week. They’ve been with me full time. Wants me to cancel the child support order that the state put in place. Back story he is a huge narcissist. When we split I did get the car he bought but I had to pay him so much a month and when I asked him if I could wait a week because I started a new job threatened to take the car so I told him to grab it since he couldn’t wait. Then I bought my own car. He made a threat that my kids will hate me we won’t get along anymore our kids will be miserable and so on and said he will hate me which I really don’t care at this point. Theres a lot but too long. What are your opinions on this? Did anyone else experience this same thing and if so what did you do? I feel if he gets ticked at me he will withdraw help or reverse and take me to court to try to get custody. Hes already threatened to switch schools where he lives and the kids already switch to the school district in my area. Hes not the one taking time off work or taking the kids to appointments or anything I am or his family is. TIA
Don’t cancel the child support order. Do it through the courts. In fact it sounds like most things should be through the courts with him. And just stick to that since he keeps threatening things. The court order for custody will say who gets decision making and stuff. Don’t argue with him about things, only communicate about the kids and keep all texts and voicemails.
Of course they are going to get mad who cares! The momma, aunties, uncles, sisters brothers will too 
And cool he wants to work something you can be nice and settle on an amount. Reminder - have it on court paper as agreed.
You do what you need to do and what’s best for you to be a better momma! And take care of you and your child/children.
If it helps and you need it so be it! Don’t let anyone persuade you!
If it has been a problem before it will be a problem later he’s not gonna help he just doesn’t want to be paying mandatory support!
Do not do it outside of court. Get a COURT ORDER bc then no matter how he tries to dodge it, he will either have to pay or deal with the consequences. Do not feel guilty either.
Am I this momma? Holy cow, almost similar situations! I’d continue with support, and then deal with him in court if need be
Go to court it’s the only way he’ll pay support. Keep a log of everything he says and does. It’ll help. Seems how it’s the state filing nothing you can do, he’s actually paying back the state
Prayers for you in Jesus mighty name Amene
Tell him to get over himself. He needs to pay for his child that’s the only way to be sure he pays.
His actions up to this point should be an indication of how the future will be. Hasn’t helped out up to this point and won’t unless forced to. So force him. No need for the kids to do without just to please him. Kids come first.
Once the State is involved you can’t go back without losing your benefits. He needs accountability
Take him for child support, if he hasn’t helped for 5 years he isn’t going to now. My sons father did this. He paid for 6 months and stopped, good thing I applied for maintenance enforcement.
My ex was paying me the amount he was required to but the state made us go through them. My youngest is 31 now.
Do you guys have a custody order ? Bc if not, get one. Do you allow him to see the kids? Does he want to see them ?
Do not cancel the support order, he’ll never follow through.
Plain and simple-
If you need the help do it through the courts, if he then wants more time with the kids so support is less or because he now feels like he wants to them that is his right.
Set up visitation at same time
Lawyer’s kid here. My father hated family law because it was all about the money. Custody battles were never about what was best for the kids; it was about money.
I’m a little unclear on your question. If you’re asking whether you should back off from filing for child support, then no. If you have a custody agreement with the court, then you’re protected. The state will simply enforce the custody agreement.
If you have no custody agreement, you might want to call an attorney for a consultation. The initial consultation is usually free. I’m not a lawyer and state laws differ widely. But if the kids have been with you full-time, he’ll have a tough time making the case that they should be with him. But again, I’m not a lawyer.
As long as you’re doing what you need to do to take care of yourself and your children, you’re doing the right thing. Your ex sounds like a vengeful bully who’s accustomed to getting his way by intimidating you. Don’t cave.
Continue with the paperwork for the child support.
go to court! he had enough time to work it out without court’s involvement.
No, don’t cancel the order. If you’ve applied for other assistance depending on the state you’re in, it’s likely out of your hands anyway. In my state, if you apply for certain kinds of assistance, the state goes after the absent parent for support. Cooperation on your part in the matter is a must or you will lose that assistance. Get a custody agreement in place if you don’t already have one as well.
Go to court , get full of joint custody, get child support in writing , and do not let him intimidate you , or bully you , he can’t just take your kids, do not let him have control.
Don’t cancel it. The court then sets the amount he has to pay and when. If he doesn’t after so long he could end sitting for awhile. He wants the easy way out by making his own amount and when he feels like paying you. Once you cancel the order he will go back to his games he’s already playing. Stick with it. Just know he made the kid/kids so he needs to take the responsibility that goes along with it.
Be strong and just put it in writing! Always remember you are doing it for your children!
Take him to court. They will deal with him in all ways… Financially supporting them,. If he gets time to be with them… Don’t back off…Do it now or forever hold your peace.
Don’t take it off! He’s manipulating you into removing it. Tell him that you’re sorry, but you’re putting your kids needs as your priority! That’s it! Let him call a lawyer if he needs be
Sounds like he’s still wanting to control you …turn the tables girl and make him pay your children deserve this …GL
I would get a custody order and child support from him if he’s not willing actually help raise the kids then do what you gotta do to get help
He is afraid of back child support… my ex was furious but he only helped here and there…I could pay my bills but I could get kids what they wanted or needed so had to pay and I accepted a reduced back pay
It should be all about your kids PERIOD, he wants it to be easier for him but if you and your kids are struggling do whats right for them, not what is convenient for him
Do child support and u don’t have choice assistance will .Make u
Let the courts handle it. My ex tried to do this as well. Didn’t work out as he had hoped!!
Don’t trust him or anything he says. Needs to go to court.
Don’t listen to what he says , you’ve dome everything right he’s done nothing you can get supervised visitations since he hasn’t been around, and you worried about them being returned and their safety, that’s what I got for my daughter since her so called dad had nothing to do with her for over 5 years , go to court
He won’t take u to court. He would have to take care of the kids half the time and since he’s a narcissist, he won’t be able to give up that free time. Even if he did win 50/50 (he wouldn’t get more than that unless he can prove neglect or abuse) I promise it won’t last long. He will be sick of not getting to do what he wants when he wants and would put himself in contempt. U deserve child support! Don’t back down on the order. He should be helping. He proved that he doesn’t want to help himself so this is what u have to do. He did it to himself. Judge won’t take kids away from a parent over financial struggles. And financial struggles is the only thing he will be able to prove for his custody case. He doesn’t have much of a chance. Eap if he hasn’t nelp much before that
Don’t even listen to him. But when your in mediation for support do bring up your children’s school and where and who takes them and picks them up so that he’s well aware children stay in place. Both of you brought these children into this world its time both do your parts in raising them. It takes more than a measly 200, 300, 400, 500, 800 monthly to support any child. That’s just to help support children not completely support them as both add your parts in supporting and raising your children. Unfortunately, because living expenses going up support might just stay the same depending on how much he makes, not what the cost of living is. Be the better person and ignore him especially when your children are around, they see and hear and eventually will know the truth. Good luck
Just keep the support order in play. He doesn’t seem reliable to just pay you on his own. Some men use that excuse and get the woman to agree and don’t pay a cent to the kids. Let the court determine how much support he should be paying and honestly, go for arrears from the day he stopped being in the house.
Why don’t dads think of their child instead of just themselves. Let the court work it out . Make him pay .
Keep moving forward. He obviously does not help you on his own. And then makes threats. To hell with him it is his responsibility to contribute to his children. 5 years to long to be going through that.
My advice is fuck what he wants.
Keep that order. My ex had got married and would tell me I will pay you what I can as I can. He got new cars a house I had enough. Take his ass to court so he can pay for his responsibilities. Don’t give him no breaks. You take that money and use it as you see fit. Not easy being a single mom while other parent has a break. Keep it your kids deserve it!!
I would go thru with the order. He can carry me to court. If he is acting domestic or threatening, call the police. Have him on record, like keep texts or record calls if he start threatening you or the kids, just because you don’t wont to man up and take care of your children that you help make
Do not cancel it!!! He has had the luxury of just helping out when he wanted to. Nope! Not how that works. Have you had the opportunity to choose when you want to be a parent? I’m sorry but take him for every dime you can get!!
Girl no LOL F him and F that. Don’t let a narcissist threaten you. Get that child support and move along with life. He won’t do anything they’re all talk.
If the state initiated you can’t take it back. They force it to compensate the help they are giving you. You’d have to drop all help and even then it may be to late. Keep the CS order and let him whine.
You just stick to the order of the court. Tell him this is business and if he is not in agreement with the order then he can petition the court for a resolution at his cost. What he is asking you to do is illegal btw.
Since you involved the government there unfortunately is no going back. Have an agreement with him that he pays it and you hand it back in full. You get assistance and he isn’t ripped off.
Forget about what he wants do for you and your kids…THROUGH THE COURTS. VERBAL AGREEMENTS can’t be legally enforced. Whats to keep him from getting mad if you start dating, (which you should)and quit helping you…PUT YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES ON AND GO TO COURT.!!!
Forget his threats. Continue with the child support order so it’s consistent and stop listening to him.
Your children are entitled to support from their father. He sounds like a jerk that thinks he can use your children against you. It’s not fair that they go without because he’s being a big baby. He helped create those babies he needs to help pay for them.
Ok… So you don’t go to court, you meet in the job and family office, at least that’s how it was for me, they determine the amount based on both incomes and who has them more, etc. Going by what you say, you definitely need to do it this way, plus you don’t have a choice if you want to get assistance obviously.
ETA, if you were once married, you may go to court, but then again, this would have already been established with the court during divorce. When you get assistance, and they go after the child support, you cannot just cancel it unless you are together. So no, don’t listen to him, you can’t cancel the order, that is mandatory when you get assistance for them to go after child support. As far as custody and visitation, child support has nothing to do with that, I’m just saying that for people who say to bring that up, they only use that for amount determination, but they don’t decide on visitation/custody arrangements.
Don’t cancel it! Sounds like he’s trying to control you and get away with paying little to nothing in child support. Don’t trust him and I wouldn’t give him the kids unless you have a Court custody order in place because once you give him the kids, he doesn’t have to give them back and police/courts won’t do anything unless there’s a court order. He can get out of child support doing that. You need to put your foot down and do things the legal route with him on everything or he will screw you over, including the car. Get that car outta his name ASAP and he can’t take it from you because that would be stealing. I when through a similar situation and once he realized he couldn’t control me anymore, he stopped.
If the state is pursing child support, there’s nothing you can even do about it 
they want the taxes off of it. Even if u cancel ur state aide, the state has already caught wind of it. Its out of ur hands gurlfriend!
Don’t cancel it! Mine was a phone mediator you only have to go to court if you guys can’t agree, they will say the amount based off income and then you can choose to lower it IF you feel it’s to high. BUT since you’ve had issues in the past, do it. You can pick the amount example my sons dad was going to owe 750 I put it to 500 but Atleast they take it from him every week that I don’t have to stress and argue. We tend to want to help them out but we need to remember how many times they’ve screwed us. Keep your appt and mediate
Also, don’t let him threaten you with custody. If you are a well rounded mother a court will never give him custody, just shared. Sounds like you should do yourself a favor and get the shared custody and set specific days with the court. Men talk a lot of crap. The system is in your favor if you are a good mom
If he is a narcissist then put the order in place
First of all it’s unlikely he would get custody unless (a) he owns a home, has childcare already arranged, makes a TON more than you do and can show the court he’s been supporting and visiting all along and that you’re unfit.
Secondly, there should be a child support order already because he needs to be responsible for helping financially support the children he helped make.
Finally, unfortunately, a child support order doesn’t necessarily mean he will pay it! A LOT of parents ignore the law. I had a support order which my ex ignored. I finally got child support when my baby was 21 - but I got it!!
You should have it in place. He’s already shown you that you can’t count on him to take care of them weekly. Get the order.
Get a custody order and save all the text messages
Nope. Hes responsible for his children and should be paying support.
Keep all your documents, text messages showing his behavior towards you.
You can’t cancel it… If you are trying to get public assistance of any sort they will automatically go after the father for child support to make up for what the state gives you. The state is going after him not you… Although the money will go to you but it is for your kids so even if it’s possible make him pay. At least that is how I read the post
Let the child support office help.ive got one of those exes.it doesn’t get better.if he’s truly a narsasist nothing is going to change.also file for full custody if you haven’t already and get a court appointed mediater to help with visitation is best for you if you kept them deal with him.empty threats over your kids relationship with you are just that.
The hell with him do what you have to do for your kids
Document, copy, print, every communication and response with him. Try to only communicate thru written forms so you can document. He’s not going to like being “told” to do anything but if he goes against court orders shit will get real for him!!
If you apply for assistant than the state wants him to pay his fair share for his kids. This is an automatic in California. I’ve even seen them go after tax returns and pensions for back child support.
He just doesn’t want to pay as much as he will have to with support. He’d rather have you struggling and going to him for help. Don’t give in.
Queens Court Bench, just call, I got a little not much but it helped. I accepted a lower pay because I know his dad was struggling also, small towns right. Just call them ,they will point you in the right direction.
No no no!! Hes abusing you. He doesn’t want to lose control.
When you are in court, ask the court for him to pay the court and they will send you the child support. This way if he doesn’t pay the court will have a record of it VS he said/she said.
We went through this with my daughter and her ex. Even though he had a court order for the money to come out of his paycheck, he still didn’t pay. He started dating the payroll clerk (and they had a baby, which he didn’t pay for either). He told the clerk not to worry about the court order, he and my daughter worked it out for him to pay her cash. 20 yrs later he got a very rude awakening when the court came after him and all the back child support and late fees, etc.
Please, do not back down! Your kids and you deserve the money. Prayers being said for you and your kiddos!! 
If he were doing it for anyone other than himself you wouldn’t be where you are now. Keep the order. At best without it he’ll pay long enough to make you think it’s going to work. It’s not or he’d have stepped up on his own within the last 5 years.
Take him to court do it legally
Why are you worried about how he feels? It’s your duty to do what’s best for your kids which is to have a child support payment in your account monthly in order to provide what they need.
Ok here’s what you can do. One go to the schools and inform everyone he has no legal rights to move or remove children. Two get that custody order through the courts asap because they say one thing n do exactly the opposite. Three don’t worry about him talking shit about custody unless u have a unfit living situation or on drugs. Please don’t allow him to bully u. Also you can make all communications third party if needed and keep all messages n txt u can. Save everything you can think of.
He’s intimidating you. Keep him on child support. Half the.things he’s threatening to do won’t happen. If your children are thriving in their current school and home, there would be no reason to change anything. If he didn’t pay you before, he won’t pay you later. Let the child support order stand. Sounds like a loser and deadbeat.
Do yourself a favor. Keep child support order and see it through till it’s signed by a judge. Get a custody schedule nailed down too while you’re there. Otherwise you have no recourse when he decides to get mad. If he was going to help you and be consistent, he’d have done it by now. Chances are over, buddy. This is what happens when you string your responsibilities along and never do your part. It’s for the KIDS. Not you. He needs to remember that.
Girl he is mad because he has to pay for support of his child instead of choosing when he wants to. Don’t let him manipulate you. If it’s not concerning the well being of the child, I wouldn’t even answer his calls or texts.
He is a monster get a lawyer .
Do not take it off. Let the court forced him to pay child support
Child suppor.t is forthe kids. Do not let it go
Of course he’s mad. For the past 5 years & probably even before you two broke up he controlled what he did for your kids. Now he’s being forced to pay. Narcissists think they’re above everyone. Do not take him off child support. You will loose any help. Don’t expect to receive the amount ordered or anything. Keep all conservations to text. If he sues you for custody use those texts in court. I really doubt he’ll take your kids. That means he has to take care of them. He doesn’t want that. He just wants control. If you don’t have a visitation order you don’t have to let him see them. I know people will argue this. But I went through something similar. The person from child support said if there’s no order I don’t have to allow it. So I stopped. Years later he tried blaming me for him not seeing my kids. The judge said I don’t see any petitions. You never even tried to get visitation.