My childs father thinks it's my responsibility to bring our child to him: Advice?

Hi, I would like to post with my name withheld. So my story is I live in the UK, have three children, 2 with my current partner and my first from a previous relationship. I had to move to a bigger house after my 3rd child was born this year I moved lea than 20 miles away but there is water between me and the mainland now as I moved to the isle of Wight, now my firstborns father is stating that all travel responsibility is on me as I ‘choose’ to move where I did. I have already covered all the travel for the first 5ish month’s bar about a month that I didn’t want to travel because of covid and the rules about using public transport; I didn’t feel safe traveling with my three children on public transport which surely is fair now I was fine doing this as a favor in my mind not out of responsibility as I didn’t want any arguments to arise just because we wanted to move somewhere more suited for our needs, such as cost, size, location and quality of life. But recently 1st born fathers hours changed at work, meaning he wanted to switch the weekends around that he had put the child on, meaning he either had to have him two weeks in a row or I did to even it out he demanded he have the two in a row I said fine, but I can’t afford two weeks in a row so asked he pay for the second week I even said I’d still to the travel of he paid as he didn’t want to do it. He agreed but when he was due to send the money to me so I could book tickets he said many things about why I should still pay so he went back on paying so I decided I shouldn’t continue doing him the favour of covering all the travel and coats any more now he’s saying I can choose between him paying maintenance or him paying travel. I have explained to him that if he pays the travel maintenance will take money off of what he’s due to pay but hasn’t made a difference he still believes he can pick and choose what he does now he’s saying he’s going to stop maintenance and seek legal advice am I right in thinking it’s fair to come to an arrangement between us for travel or is it somehow all on me to do the travel because I moved house? Any help is appreciated


Get ahead of him and go to court yourself. Travel expenses and responsibilities should be made 50/50 regardless of whose choice it was to move. Seek legal council 100%


Ummmm, I live in the states, more specifically indiana… in my court order who Evers parenting time it is does transportation so like when it’s his, he comes to get him, when it’s your it’s your turn to get him


Get a legal enforceable order thru the courts(however the us does it). Then maybe split it so you do drop off to him and he does drop off to you.


I chose to leave my husband and move back to our home state and he was responsible for 70% of the travel for our son.


Didn’t he have to sign off on taking the child out of state?

I’d take it to court and see what the judge says. I think you’ve been more than accommodating but if he’s going to go back on agreements that should stop.


You are the one who moved, you need to make sure your child can see his/her father


I’m in Canada but usually within the custody agreement you can specify whose responsibility it is to pay for travel (typically 50/50). It also sounds like you are having trouble getting him to pay maintenance for your oldest? I’d suggest getting a lawyer and having a formal custody agreement drawn up


i don’t think it works that way.
Simple: if someone it’s interested to see their own children u Will go no matter what. we moved 2.5 hrs from where my stepdaughter lives and my husband and I and our kids go every weekend to see her. :woman_shrugging:t2: hopefully u and the baby dad can make something to work for both.


How i do w my daughter. When she goes to his house he come gets her when my turn i pick her up


You’re giving him way to much control over you. Take your situation to court.


My child’s father pays me an alloyed amount a month which is about half of the actual travel cost which I am fine with we have 50/50 custody so half travel costs is fine

Since you are in the United Kingdom, I’d say to seek your nearest council for legal advise and get legal papers to state 50/50 for transportation costs.


Go to court y’all should do split back and forth are meet half way


Definitely get legal advice and get a court order so everything is spelled out clearly for you both.


In America, the parent that chooses to move, is the parent that usually pays.


50/50!!! And if you moved further it is your responsibility! Not far to him.

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My oh went through the courts for access, it was stated that the mother dropped his child to him and he returns his child to the mother.


I agree with him. If YOU decided to move to a place that means more transportation costs, you should be fully responsible for paying those costs and still maintain the normal custody time. Any judge here would agree with me. Should at the least be on you to get the kid to the mainland, if he will agree to pick up at the pier.


With my oldest two daughters, when their father and I split, we would each go one way. I would drop them off, then he would bring them home. And that didn’t matter where either of us lived. We both used to live in Maryland. He moved to Pennsylvania. Then while he was living in Pennsylvania, I moved to West Virginia. Still did the same routine. If one of us was going to be in the area of the other, we would consider that. But co-parenting means co-responsibility. I agree with him to an extent… you did move. However, if he wants to see his child, he will make it work.

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Idk how court works over there but here it doesn’t matter if youre the one that moved the parent seeing the child pciks up so you should pick up for the end of visit and he picks up begining. If it’s super far they make parents meet in the middle. I suggest getting legal advice and getting a court order


You’re allowing him to control you and you moved less than 20 miles. He can pick up his kid.


I agree with him. You moved. Its your responsibility to pay for travel. You should have factored that into your move.

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Get legal advice it doesn’t matter if ur the one who moved I know over here the courts make both parents split the travel cost!

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I don’t know how things work in the UK. In the US you have to have the father’s permission bro move out of state or over so many miles away from them. It sounds as if your move would qualify be for needing his permission. In that case travel would be figured out in court before you were allowed to take the child away. I think you should have the court figure this out or at least go to a mediator. BTW at least in the US it doesn’t matter that you chose to move. As long as the move was in the benefit of the child. Courts don’t hold you responsible for travel expenses based on moving. Whether or not he pays his child support & how much does matter. So if you’re paying 90% of your child’s needs & he barely pays 10% the court isn’t going to take from the child to make life easier for the person who isn’t providing. Does this make sense?

Depends on the judge, but I’ve seen the parent who moved further away have to cover the costs, and I’ve also seen the judge order the parent either moves back closer or the kids go back to the parent who didn’t move away, seen a judge say 50/50 payments. I would get legal advice. Or you can just keep paying and not take the chance that it may not go in your favour if you do go to court.

I’d have to agree with him unfortunately about the travel part

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My husband pays child support (we are in the US) and pays his own travel expenses for pick ups and drop offs. You are definitely not out of line love

Go to csa. Dont let him hold maintenence over your head as a punishment, its a do as I say or else situation and he might end up using that all of the time.
Most UK judges say 50/50 responsibility. Did he agree to the move? 20 miles isn’t exactly an unreasonable distance and if youv been moved this long with no drama most judges will see it as him being petty. You are being more then reasonable. I would say go to csa, get the maintenance sorted so hes not using it against you and offer to either do pick ups or drop offs. Make sure its in text or email so he cant deny/twist anything

Get legal advice quickly. Here in Australia he would still have to pay his full maintenance and the rest would have to be decided separately. 20 miles doesn’t seem far, especially if it’s to improve the quality of life for the children. That’s what I would be leading with in your inquiry.


Sounds like you will have to let the court sort him out. Good luck.

You have to meet half way

Idk about the UK but in the US whoever is taking the child home with them pays for the transportation. Or if its far the parents meet in the middle. But you might want to get a court order and they’ll cover all that and you don’t have to argue with him. Now once you have a court order you will have to contact the courts before you move far away and have to tell them everytime you move and so will he. Sometimes with people like that is better to have the courts handle it.

First he should not have to pay for your travel costs you chose to move so why should he pay your travel costs on top of maintenance nope and second it should be one person picks up one drops off or one visit you do both ways next visit he does both ways its not your responsibility to make sure he sees his kid it’s his job to make sure he is an active part in the child’s life not yours so if he doesn’t want to make the trip that sounds like he’s fully capable of then he doesn’t see the child period
On another note not sure why your taking all 3 kids with you to do a pick up or drop off when you have a partner who is the other two childrens parent as well leave them home and go with your oldest alone make leaving time when your partner is home


Easy one ring child support service and get that going again as he won’t be given a choice.
Send a message and screen shot replies for court. Let him know that your child will be ready for collection when ever he wants to actually collect.
If he doesn’t bother then that’s his problem and in court they’ll ask why he didn’t come get his kid.
Who ever has that parenting time should be the one traveling

The driving 8 hours one way, and 8 hours back to pick up a kid that his mom brainwashes :joy_cat:

I told him I wouldn’t do it again. We had to pay for everything. Nope sorry she can help.

Idk the laws or rules of custody where u live, but when I went through a similar situation here in the states, we were to split travel. One picks the child up and the other brings the child home, or arrange a meeting place in the middle for the child to be picked up. In my experience, the more you give, the more someone will take from you. Hope this helps some! Good luck

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What does court order say about transportation? If it doesn’t say then it should be split. 20 miles really isn’t that far. He could come get the child for his time and you could pick child up when his time is over

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If there isn’t a court order I would get one.
But my thought was always if he wants him then can make the trip to pick him up. And vis versa

Let him pay the maintenance, if he really wants to see his son he will put in the effort to do so.

Tell him if he wants to see the child he has to help pay. Take it to the courts if he wont be reasonable

One drops the child off the other picks them up

Well it isnt so he can just get over himself.

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Only fair to each do one way

No its not, if he wants his kids he will go get them. Don’t let that man fool you

He sounds like a lazy, blaming, no account, useless, self involved , whiny little piece of shite of a guy who doesn’t really give a rats arse if he sees his child or not. I’m just guessing though.

Go to court and get set hours/days he has child. Put travel expence in court documents. Can’t have it both ways. Get everything in writing and save all correspondence with father. Good luck! :heart:

You should share. He picks him up, you go get him to come home. If you can’t figure out something fair go back to court. Don’t let him bully you. You can’t keep making things convenient for him and he won’t budge for you.

The way I look at it is if he wants to see the child he needs to put in the effort

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Omg it’s only 20 miles. He needs to do the traveling.

I use to drop off and pick up my daughter from her father house for more then ten years until now that I’m just tired of doing it. So I told him is now his turn and he got really mad and now he only pick her up one’s a month.

My dad wanted us, he picked us up. But it was court ordered that way.
If you have nothing through the court, I would say do it. Get it all in writing. Then he can’t play games anymore.


My bfs agreement in the US is if it’s your time with the child then you do pick. So he picks up on his days and she picks up on her days. One person can’t do the traveling. Sounds like you need to go to court and get a lawyer. Don’t let him rule everything.

You don’t say how old the child is. Would it be possible to put them on the ferry and have Dad pick up in Portsmouth? He can’t not pay maintenance but if it’s all going on ferries (whether he pays or you do) then you probably need to get something legal drawn up between you. If he does two weekends on then two off you are going with the agreement of 2/4 weekends.

Your only 20miles apart. If he wants to see his child, 20 miles is nothing. I went to court (more complicated case) but its in the orders that he has to collect and drop off the kids at the mother’s address. (I.e my address) I don’t pay anything or contribute anything.

He should pick up on his first day to have them and then u should pick up from him when u get them back. I believe, now don’t quote me on this, that there was a certain amount of milage between the two parents that’s allowed and permission may be needed to venture further but 20 miles seems low… I drive to get my step daughter every other weekend and that’s well over 20 miles away. Now if we want extra time I always volunteer to do both ways cuz I feel that’s the right thing to do. But I’m in ohio. Some states could be different

This will definitely benefit from legal help.

Where i live its usually a half way meet or the dad would pick up to bring to his home and you would pick back up to return to your house

If he wants to see his kid then he should come get him.

Why not split the cost? I do t live in the UK. Where I live most of time the parents split the cost as long as they live a reasonable distance apart. My sons dad moved to another state. I have custodial custody meaning his dad gets visitation but our son lives primarily with me. When he moved to another state a 12 hour drive away he had to pay for the airfare for my son to visit him. We had it put in our parenting agreement so there was no question who paid for what. I’d seek legal counsel to find out what you can do.

If you are divorced it’s both your responsibility to see to it that child doesn’t suffer because of it… Take your turns and do whatever it takes to put the child’s best interest first and not play petty games back and forth.

If he doesnt come get him he doesnt get him. Simple enough.