Please help. My children’s father and I split up. Our children ADORE him, they’re all about their daddy, but he won’t see them, answer their call, or anything if I refuse to still sleep with or talk to him when he wants to flirt/be sexual, and then they’re heartbroken, and I don’t know what to tell them. Has anybody been thru this? I don’t want him to abandon them, and he’s gone over a month without seeing or talking to them when I didn’t go along with his sexual stuff.
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Find out the time frame for abandonment in the state yall live in.
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Take him down legally…what he is doing is sexual blackmail. I am sure there is another word for it. Its basically rape.
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Also he is just as responsible for them as you are so make it legally mandatory to see his kids or pay out his ass
Girl, He doesn’t want them.kids!!!
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If he won’t see or talk to his children who adore him because you wont sleep with him, let him continue to ignore them. 1 year of no contact is usual abandonment, but check with your state to be sure. They dont need that kind of negativity in their lives, and neither do you!
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Good Lord why do you want your kids around a man like that anyways!?
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I went through this but in reverse. My ex husband got custody switched from me to him. Then refused to let me see them unless I had a sexual relationship with him. He got our sons home health nurse pregnant and we divorced. They got married. He would tell me id never see my kids again if I didn’t do what he wanted. I had to put my foot down. You health and mental stability is important as well.
You can’t make him be part of their lives. You are hurting your kids by letting him control you through threatening to leave the kids. Not sure who chose the split but you aren’t doing the kids any favors by having him in and out. Talk to the kids counselor at school they will give you resources to support your kids if dad does abandon.
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That is so sad. Them poor children. But tbh if he is doing this emotional blackmail to you now and forfeiting his children. It is only a matter of time till he starts emotionally blackmailing them. They are better off out of it. What a pig!
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Sounds like he needs to grow up. Sadly there’s not much you can do to fix this. I found out that myself with the same thing but no sex was involved. All you can do is keep the door open for him to see his kids. If he keeps going just arrange custody and access ECT. Sadly these people are all about themselves and don’t give a shit about their kids
Is he trying to use your kids so he can still get around doing things with you? That’s not right. Do you want him doing such a thing in exchange for his time with your kids? He is not only disrespecting you, but I think he also doesn’t really care about the kids. He is selfish because all he cares about is to sleep with you when he’s in need.
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My estranged husband hasn’t seen or spoken to my son (his step son) in over 2 months. My son is 6 and cries and stares at photos of his family. It breaks my heart into a thousand pieces. My husband doesn’t care and doesn’t acknowledge it when I tell him. Says he’s filing for divorce (100xs at least) but still hasn’t. The pain and abandonment of your children is palpable. Literally my heart hurts so bad for my son. Heathy ppl don’t treat ppl like crap. That’s all I keep repeating.
Thats very deep emotional abuse not just to you but the children too hun put a stop to his behaviour right now.love yourself enough not to accept it,you ate not responsible for his sexual needs nor should he use his babies to get his own way,
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You do nothing but raise them kids. Any man that needs p*ssy or a relationship to be a father is NOT A FATHER and them kids are better off without.
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Happens its gonna be hard just ignore him
Sad to say but he doesn’t sound interested…Id start applying for child maintenance
- Contact a good family law attorney in your area. Most consultations won’t cost you a dime. If money is an issue contact your local courts for information regarding a self-help family law facilitator.
- Find a good therapist for yourself and one for your kids. You deserve better than this and so do they.
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My ex did the same thing and you cannot make him be a dad. the abandoned his daughter and just had a kid with someone else and I haven’t even heard from him in a year. We broke up 4 years ago and he saw her regularly when I so agreed to sleep with him but once I started refusing to do that anymore that was the end of it. You might have to take him to court.
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If he doesn’t wanna be in their life then honestly I wouldn’t want them to be in his life anyways
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Forget him. In the end it is less hurt. My daughters father didn’t see her age 1 to age 7 same reasons. Promised not to do it again and would stay in her life. Saw her two times and hasn’t seen her in two more 6ears was ignoring her calls. She called with another number crying telling him he is hurting her feelings. He told her that he dont want to be a dad. I will not let him hurt her again. You need to do the same.
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What in the actual F did I just read lol?
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Stop conta ting him. If he wants too see them. He will make an effort… Ringing and harassing him is prolonging the pain.
Forget him and move on.
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I’d just let it be it’s seriously his loss. Maybe explain it them. It’s not their fault and honestly hes a fuckin jerk to get mad about u not wanting to fuck him that’s just wrong ur better off without him seriously. U got this girl
My ex is the exact same way. He refuses to be a dad to our 10 year old unless I go back to him, and that will never happen. My son has actually seen his dad have sex with multiple random girls, and he drinks excessively, and is truly a piece of crap. He hasn’t seen his dad in 4 months. I finally just decided to block his dad off of my phone and our child’s phone. My son is better off without that toxic crap in his life anyway. We are still married, but I left his dad over 8 years ago. So there are no courts saying anyone has to see anyone. Oh and he also has a neglect charge from dcfs on his record. So sometimes the kids are just better off without that selfish idiotic behavior.
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HE’S ALREADY ABANDONED THEM. Do you really want him in their lives if that’s how he acts. Depending on age id tell truth that your sorry and trying to make efforts and hes not responding its not anyones fault but his own ass.
Leave him b …he will regret it .Sounds like their better off without him .
Girl, they are better off without him if he is that much of a manipulative abuser. I am so sorry that your kids and you are going through this. He needs a lot of help.
That is manipulation! It is a form of domestic violence! Do not do that again. He doesn’t care about his kids, he is just trying to get you back.your kids will learn very quickly that he doesn’t care for them as much as they care for him
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He using you it’s manipulation been through it left my ex because he didn’t care about me or the kids gone months without seeing his kids or calling they use try call him but never answer so I give up with them trying so unhealthy for the kids better to cut him out
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That’s hugely abusive. If he chooses not to be in his children’s lives, that’s on him. You cannot change what he is going to do, and you certainly can’t pimp yourself out so that your children have a father who clearly isn’t a good role model. It’s hard to have someone try to blame you for your children’s pain, but his blame is a lie. None of it is your fault. It is 100% his, and quite frankly, if that’s how he treats the mother of his children, they’re better off not seeing that.
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Tell him to get lost your kids do not need a man like that in their life
Yeah my daughter’s dad has been like that her whole life. If its not about her we don’t talk, so its been about 3 years since we spoke or he has seen her. If he can’t love his kids without sex being involved he doesn’t deserve them.
My dad was barely in my life growing up. He usually didn’t answer calls or if I managed to get a weekend with him, he always left to go to the bar and leave me alone. Point is, your kids will realize one day how awful his behavior is.
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Move on. You can’t force him to be a part of their lives. If he is refusing to be part of their lives then don’t drag it out. It’s going to hurt the children either way, but better it be a quick hurt now than a long drawn out hurt as you try to force him to be a parent.
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He’s already abandoned them. File for full custody, child support and move on.
Wtf! Block this lunatic idiot and tell the kids their dad is having a mental issue
That is abuse on so many levels and extortion if I’m not mistaken.
If I were you I would just tell your kids that I don’t know why Daddy’s acting the way he is, and I’m sorry but there are tons of people who love you and care about you and we should focus on them. And then you just continue to be the best mother you can be.
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Aww I feel for your children. Thats how my babies r to!
Sometimes we have to realize that some men weren’t meant to be fathers. In your case, he is only using you to satisfy his needs. What I can say is respect yourself, respect your children.
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As someone who has been there as both the child and the mother, the only thing i can say is just listen to your child. Male sure that they know that its not their fault. If you are in good-ish terms with his family ask if they would like to spend time with your babies, without you bashing your ex and without them bashing you.
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Don’t tell them anything. Love them and stop all contact and block him from your phone. Move on and save your children. This is abuse and you need to stop it, and that means total break away. It will be best in the long term for them. Start over with love . Do not talk bad about him or even talk about him. Let it go. They will see one day you made the best decision for them.
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Do not give in. When the kids ask tell them you do not know why? Tell them you love them and that he does to. When they get older you can have that conversation with them. All he is doing is messing with their heads and that’s on him. One day they will understand
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Do NOT give into his demands. His behavior is his to bear and his alone.
But it sounds like you are still keeping in contact with him. Cut that off immediately. Tell him he can text you if he needs to discuss the children but nothing else. Do not take his calls and only answer texts that require a response concerning genuine issues with the children.
Do not make excuses for him to the children but don’t tear their father down either. If they ask why he doesn’t respond to them, a simple “I don’t know sweetie” is good enough.
DO NOT PLAY HIS GAMES.
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That’s straight up manipulation and makes him a complete asshole. Do not give into him just so your kids can see him. He’s just playing mind games with you. It’s his choice not to see his kids. Be honest with your kids. Do not feel guilty because of it. It’s not your fault.
I’m so sorry for them, abs for you. With that kind of attitude I would be scared for what he will become and what he will show them to be as they grow. I hate to say it, but I think you are all better off to let him go, as much as it hurts now, your children will eventually have more respect for you for not submitting to that just to keep him around. If the kids don’t mean anything without you giving it up, they just are t going to matter to him period. I wish you could change that, but you can’t.
Jeez… why are all of you telling her not to have anything to do with the kids father…seems to me this isnt the first time hes been a ass… regardless those kids love him… he will come around just wait…hes punishing you…what hes doing is childish…but the way she talks he loves his kids also. So he will show up !!
Not everyone can be a father. 2nd you dont deserve to be treated that way…its his loss. You need to walk away
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Sounds like he is not as crazy about them as they are about him! Which is sad, but that’s all on him. Don’t give in, you’ll feel horrible if you do. Your kiddos deserve better.
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For the love of your children and yourself stop playing games with him. Don’t sleep with him unless you want to. If he doesn’t want to see or talk to your children depending on their age tell them in a general way and don’t make excuses for him. Kids don’t need lies or bullshit.
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My ex did the same thing. My girls are now 25 & 19 and they call him an ass and want nothing to do with him. Kids see it when they get older. My girls love his sister (their Aunt) and she never forgets my kids. My oldest was crushed a few weeks ago…he forgot her birthday…really??? He is an ass.
Don’t give in to his crap. If he continues this behavior, yes the kids will be confused and hurt but they will realize what a scrumbag he is.
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He needs to put on his big boy pants and grow up. You NEVER use your children as bargaining chips. It’s so wrong. He’s an idiot and not deserving of seeing his kids ever again
I would not give in and I would tell the children that their dad is trying to figure things out and once he gets it figured out he will see and talk to them. I would tell them that he loves and misses them and with some time it will sort itself out.
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You can’t control if he abandons his kids or not and it sounds like he already has. Phase him out slowly and over time the kids hearts will mend.
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Stop being his hooker. Hes paying you by seeing the kids. You’re better than that and if he walks away tell the kids the truth, no lies cause they will find out from others
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I say put your foot up his ass and take him to court. I bet he will change his tune once you show him your not playing his game anymore
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Boy is he really using you! Bribery, full force sexual abuse. Get away fast. Kids will be fine and probably better off.
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Your children will grow up and at some point they will realize it was 100% Daddy’s choice. You go find them a new Daddy. They’ll forget all about him.
He’s a pig. Kids are better off without him
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just dont bad mouth the dad to the kids. its his loss and he will come around.
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No da better than a bad dad
let them write him letters…and send pictures…
So that’s called sexual coercion, it’s actually a form of rape. At the very least it’s gaslighting. You don’t want to sleep with him but if you don’t he abandons his children and you feel like it’s you’re fault. Do not give him this power. Let him abandon your kids and when they ask be honest, daddy is choosing not to be with you. Daddy is choosing not to take your calls. This is 100% his fault.
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Take him to court hes to toxic to be in a relationship
All of that don’t tell the kids that Dad is an abusive asshole is bullsht! I did that for my children’s whole lives. I made excuses for what he did and encouraged forgiveness constantly. Drove my kids to him for visits because he couldn’t be bothered, then had to come back and feed them lunch and then dinner while I had a dmn job. All the while he talked shit about Me to those kids. My kids grew up to hate me and think he was an angel because I shielded them from his behavior. You tell those kids that they will personally have to ask him what is up. Let him make his own d*mn bed and you just be there for your kids to lean on. You can’t teach them not to get stuck with a POS if they watch you play with this one. Be honest with your kids on their level. Let him take care of himself. Don’t let him continue to abuse you or those kids. Get counseling if needed but don’t make his excuses for him.
Don’t give into his sexual needs he can’t man up and see his kid with that I called that being a coward I am separated from my wife and i alway make
Sure I make time for my kids rather it video in person or phone only thing I would suggest just never say anything negative about there dad to them I hope he comes around and grows up
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When my ex left I told my kids that their dad was their earthly father and God was their true Father and would always take care of us. They never questioned it. Get out now before he starts to manipulate the kids and tells them it’s your fault that he doesn’t see them.
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Let him leave. It’s not healthy for anyone involved. Comfort the children but don’t let someone who will only manipulate stay that way. They will understand when they are older. This sucks, I’m sorry.
ETA: Don’t speak badly about him in front of them, but don’t make promises about him to them.
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Thats exceedingly manipulative. Walk away from the situation. You and your children will be healthier for it. They may not understand now but later in life they will.
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Manipulation at its worst, if this is what kind of person he is that would do this , he’s not the kind of person that should be around the kids. They obviously don’t mean as much to him as he does to the children. Very sad for them , don’t give in to him and if he misses them at all he will see them without the manipulation .
What he is doing is called abuse. Don’t think for a second he won’t manipulate your children too. Get out now! 
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You cannot force a person to care…he is a piece of trash for doing that. That is sickening…value yourself and stop trying to force a grown ass man to do the right thing, your kids don’t deserve forced love. Open your eyes.
Get a little journal and tell the children that we are going to write notes to daddy. Every night have the children write a note or scribble a picture for daddy. You can dictate the note if you want. One day they will have the opportunity to give it to him. Stay strong sis.
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My older kids dad has always been a parent when its convenient for him kind of parent. It would especially break my daughter heart when he didn’t answer or return their call. It has always been me asking if he wants them and pushing to make times and dates for them to see him… Now my oldest who is now 16 has chosen to live with him. He olds him on a pedestal and my other 2 are the least of his concern…
I have just always been there for my kids and did what I could to wipe the tears and pick up the pieces.
My 2 kids here that are now 13 and 14 could careless if he calls they only call him to talk to their brother and only want to go up to see their brother and half brother …
They live 4 hrs away so they only see each other during holidays and summer time …
All I can say is be there for your children. Do what you can to make it up… Eventually your kids will see what is going on and know who is there for them and who is not…
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Walk away he will be missing out not you promise in the long run one day he will regret it enjoy your kids they grow to quick and those kids will have good memories with you.
Wow what a piece of work he is! I’m sorry you’re going through this but unfortunately I think the best bet for you and your kids is to just let him be. If he wants to be in their lives he will but you are not his whore and absolutely do not deserve that treatment.
Isn’t that sexual coercion? And it is illegal on the same lines as rape. Don’t let him use you like that. At the end of the day it’s him loosing out on that time with his kids and it his relationship with them that will be damaged all you can do is be there for them to help them through it
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Stop calling. Stop having sex with that asshole and let him be gone. Then file abandonment papers on him. Do it FOR your kids.
He’s using them to abuse you! Cut him off immediately…
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Don’t give in to his crap you are not together for a reason talk to kids explain you both love the kids but just can’t get along and fight in front of children is not good
It’s on him, don’t ask or force him; the kids will see it for what it is
You needto face facts- your children’sfather will be the one with a lifetime of regrets- do not continue your relationship with him at all - instead do your best to provide a stable and loving home for your children- they need your support very much! Try not to criticize him in front of your children- help them to realize the truth of what he is doing but try not to have them entirely give up hope- It’s a huge task, but you will never have the regrets he will have for the rest of his life!
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My ex abandoned us and left us homeless. It’s been four years. He rarely ever calls or texts the kids, even his “favorite.” At first I made excuses for him, but then I stopped. I NEVER talk badly about him, because I don’t want to hurt my kids. But I just started saying, “I’m sorry, but I don’t know why he didn’t call (or answer you). I love you.” Don’t give in to his emotional blackmail; you’re not to blame if he can’t get himself together.
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Let your children know, first and foremost, that they have done NOTHING wrong
Children don’t understand when things like this happen. And, he is using your children as leverage against you. Please don’t let him do this. Let him know that he is welcome to come and see HIS children, but you are not having sex with him. Don’t talk bad about him to your children. Continue to love and reassure them and they will eventually see him for who and what he is. Good Luck and Blessings to you and your Family❤
Don’t ever give into this. I know for a fact your a amazing woman who will stand her ground and say “no more”. I’m sorry about their father. Its time to simplify a explanation for them to understand that hes not gonna be consistent with visits and such. Might be ideal to try some family help techniques so you all can cope together 
. Best of luck hun, you have this!
My 1st husband was the same way. Thankfully they were young enough that I could say he was busy working when he broke his word. You cant force him to be a father, also some men just aint cut out to be 1. I hope he gets right for the kids sake.
Never ever make excuses for their dads behavior. Let your kids feel their emotions and help them to deal with those emotions in a positive way. When asked why from my kids I told them “sometimes adults make bad decisions and sometimes those decisions hurt others” we can only hope dad makes better decisions but we aren’t going to let his choices define us or ruin our day". My boys never had a relationship with their dad they don’t even know what he looked like because he chose to leave. Both of my boys responsible for their sperm and are waiting to find the right person to have kids. I am just not getting any younger lol
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I’d be terrified of what disease he’s bringing to me when all he wants is sex. How many other women/men does he “do” and then come to you?
Stop making excuses for him. Tell the kids the truth — ALWAYS TELL THEM THE TRUTH — no matter how much it hurts. Lying to them now and them finding out the truth later just makes you look bad. I’m not saying to trash their dad. Just tell them the truth when they ask questions.
Cut him off and let your children know they are not the reason their dad has issues. They will grow to see these things for them self without you telling them he’s an asshole.
why are you still sleeping with him
The guy sounds like a real jerk if he’s willing to put sex before the well being of his kids. That says all you need to know about him. If you’re split up, stop having sex with him. These kids aren’t chess pieces.
Sweetie i hate this for you and them dont keep seeing him it confuses the kids no sex cut him off completely! then about him you can not make him see them i know it breaks the babies heart’s. my daughters husbsnd walked out unexpectedly he went to work and didnt come back home his girlfriend is a meth head been in prisons 4 times and arrest several times so i knew we had to keep her away from our 41/2 year old grandaughter so the courts order supervised visitation he sowed up maybe 3 times then all the other times for a year he never showed up at the police station ut was every sunday 2-4 she would cry then we woukd have to try to make up reason why and then right toward the end she would say i dont want to go cause he is not going to show up we would take her to get a toy (cheap) every sunday lol then now she will be 12 day after christmas and up until a couple weeks ago she hadnt seen him in 4 yrs then we was at store and he walked up and hugged her she didnt know who he was at first and now its brought back a ton of feelings and why dont he love me why did he through me away and why did he choose that women over me and a whole lot of crying so i bought her a cute note book we decorated it and thats her what i need to know about my daddy now she writes all the question she has for him and when she turns 18 i told her we will find her daddy and she can ask him what ever she wants and id be right by her side where he cant lie to her. Maybe you could do something like that with your kids and my daughter gose to church and childrens church has helped so much and we have always kept her busy doing things with her and it was hard for my daughter working and being both mom and dad good luck
Don’t let him manipulate you like that. I wouldn’t want a guy like that around my children . He should respect the mother of his children even if it didnt work out with you two. Some people are phoney garbage like that just because you leave someone doesn’t mean you leave your children. Best advice live your life and let the trash take its self out and be there for your babys.
You as a mom already know what to do…if you have a daughter think about what you would say to her if she was in the same situation.
That’s rape if you don’t want too. Leave him. My daughter dad would not call or visit either, if I didn’t get back with him. I was thinking about it, but I’d rather be happy alone. So I didn’t get back with him. I got my daughter a kitty, and she hasn’t asked me about her dad in over a month. Think about your kid(s)
Document everything.
My ex did this then took the our kids from me and has poisoning them about me I call and he has said that they don’t want to talk or see you all because we broke up it’s wrong my advice don’t do it manipulation and abuse should not be tolerated
Now he comes around on his own, with me not calling him.