I have a 4 year old daughter and her dad and I are separated for a year. She expresses how she doesn’t want to go to her dad’s over the weekends while I work. She has recently been handing me change that she has and asks if I still have to go to work and when I tell her that’s her money and that I do still have to go to work she gets sad and doesn’t understand. At her last switch off, she kept going from front seat to back seat and trying to “hide” to avoid going to her dad’s. Wondering if this is normal and how to approach it in a way that’s understandable to her as well as more comforting.
7 Likes
it’s separation anxiety she’s scared that you are going to do something while she’s gone and she’ll miss out. have her dad take her to do something fun. also do one on one time with her when she’s with you.
1 Like
It could just be separation anxiety, or something could be happening at her Dad’s that makes her scared or uncomfortable. I’d have a heart-to-heart with her and ask WHY she doesn’t want to go.
5 Likes
it might be separation anxiety… when i kicked my ex-husband out our daughter was just turning 3, our twins were 3 months from their second birthday & our youngest together was 5 months. it was A LOT for them to adjust to and the toddlers definitely gave some pushback. things got better over time. that was 7 years ago. they’re fine now.
Dude she is 4… encourage her to go and enjoy her time. Tell her
You will be back soon. She will adjust. It take time but she will be fine.
6 Likes
Mine have always happily run to their dad. And then happily run to me on return. I’d find it disturbing if they went to the extreme of hiding. Kindy or school, maybe, but the other parent? That’s cause for concern. I’d be asking lots of pretty blunt questions about what goes on at dads house.
4 Likes
My daughter was like that. She was around that age and would cry when I took her to her dad’s. Finally he gave in and just let her stay with me. But many years have past and they still don’t have a good relationship.
She loved her home I think is always the biggest issue. Have dad make more of effort if need be to make her space special at his place
1 Like
When she goes with him, does her behaviour change when she comes back, like angry, distant ect.
I would be asking dad what they do when she’s there to try and encourage activities or days out that you know she would like to do and see if that changes the way she’s maybe thinking and she may start looking forward to going there.
Also maybe get her to draw pictures with you and try and have a little conversation about how she feels when daddy picks her up and try and suggest what she would like to do there whilst mums at work x
If there’s a court order, she has to go. Period
Talk to your daughter and ask detailed questions about what happens when she’s with her dad.
You need to figure out if he’s just not the fun parent or if abuse and neglect is happening.
Put your daughter in counseling immediately. A licensed professional can help figure out what the issue is and make legal recommendations to the court if going to dads is harmful to her in any way.
Don’t dismiss this because it’s not always something simple they will grow out of. Sometimes it is but often it isn’t. A child not wanting to spend time with a parent is a red flag. It’s up to adults to figure out what that means and if spending time with that parent should continue or stop.
You are your child’s protection. She’s indicating to you that she doesn’t like dad for some reason and as her mother you should pay attention to this and figure out why.
16 Likes
I think you guys should try to plan some family outings together. I would bet anything if you can have like 3 successful outings, her anxiety would be a little better. I know it’s awkward when breakups happen, especially within the last year. But please don’t alienate the father because a 4 year old is nervous of life changes if you’re considering doing so.
1 Like
Something going on for her not wanting to go
I would be talking to her and asking for details on why she doesn’t want to go. Unfortunately until you have proof of negligence or abuse, you can get in trouble for keeping her from going if you have a court order. No matter how bad I’d want to keep her with me.
It’s either separation anxiety or something is going on that you’re not aware of
4 Likes
My Som never wanted to go to his Dads because his Dad was “boring”. His Nintendo and toys and friends were at our house. I made him go. I would tell his Dad repeatedly to do stuff with him. I kept saying Dad loves you. You’ll survive with our stuff for a weekend By the age of 13 ish i quit pushing. If he went he went. That was between them. Sometimes theres no abuse. Just no common ground.
1 Like
Have you asked her WHY, EXACTLY she doesn’t want to go to her dad’s?
I would seek an attorney, and/or counseling
Ask her why she doesn’t like to go to his house.
Children are often unable to understand or explain their feelings at this age.
Sit down with your daughter and your ex and talk through her feelings. Make sure she understands that nothing she says is wrong and that you both love her and just want her to be happy.
As someone else had said, trying to do a few outings together might make her feel more comfortable.
The issue may be nothing to do with dad, and everything to do with her simply not wanting to be away from you.
I hope you have a good relationship with your ex, it can make a huge difference to what are very trying situations.
2 Likes