My kids have a phone…my old phones that don’t have service. I’d flip a biscuit if their dad gave em a phone and they didn’t tell me
She’s had it for 2 years and you’ve never noticed. Doesn’t seem like it’s been a problem. She hid it because she knew you were going to take it away and you proved her right. Be prepared for her to hide more things.
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Personally, I’d limit time. But first, take it away for a while because she’s been hiding it from you for a year and a half! There should be punishment for that.
Lord I don’t understood parents like this get off my timeline
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Time limit. Are you letting her have a relationship with these other side of family?? Could be why it’s so important? If the phone’s the only time she’s got any contact with them, because you don’t let her do it at your house, maybe that needs to change? My kids’ sperm donor is a complete loser, if he’s even alive… has not been around since my 14-year-old was 2… but they are still allowed to talk to and have a relationship with any of his family whenever they want
My kid has had a phone since 9 too we live in new generation where technology is advanced compared to the 1990s when we where raised! Phones have parental control etc very helpful! Keep taking it away then don’t let her have her phone when she is home with you. Or have a curfew for it! But dad has his own rules at his house any way - she has had a phone since 2021 she is already attached to it. If she feels she needs to hide it now imagine when she older. 
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Deffo to young to have a phone and her dad should have spoken to you about it when he wad going to buy one not needing permission but letting you know he was going to get her one for wheh she was at his so she could contact you etc as others have said maybe arrange certain times a week she can contact her dad and then remove the thw phone til she is back with him
You’ll be a bigger villain if you let her get all she wants. Tell the dad she needs limited not unlimited screen time.
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So for 2 years you never Wonder why she never called her dad…grandmother and her familly from your phone ?
Was she allowed to call them?
I would find it very strange that she never asked for your phone to call them.
And if you never saw it in 2 years…maybe she use it well.
What is she doing when you watch her and she doesn’t have her phone?
She must play like normal kids.
Give her back…she used it well.
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She’s 9!! The fact that she was hiding it from you means she’s sneaky and her father needs to be told he shouldn’t have given her something of that magnitude without you ok’ing it first!! Take the phone and return it to her when she’s 13!Period
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You can’t take away something that was given to her by her other parent. However you CAN set boundaries with it. I have an app on my sons phone (he’s 12) and through that app I’ve set him cut off times (11pm-7am because it’s summer, the app makes his phone unusable), he cannot access YouTube, Google search, web browsers, or the Google app store. I also have his phone set to automatically go onto DND at a certain time with his favorite contacts (contacts i personally set as favorite, such as myself and his cousin) being able to ring through, but no one else’s. It’s still your house, your rules. You have the ability to set the necessary boundaries with the device.
(The app I use is Qustodio, I did pay for it but it’s so worth it. I believe you can also set screen time limits as well.)
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I mean 9 year old is still so young for a cell phone
She wants to have a connection with her dad and his family. I see no reason for her not to have it.
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Take it away when she’s with you. She can have it on her fathers watch. Tell her to keep it at her dads.
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Be the villain then. You’re her mother & if you feel this isn’t the time for a phone end of conversation! & I’d let dad know. If those are the rules in his house fine but that phone stays at his house!!(because unfortunately you can’t control every aspect of her life.) But don’t feel guilty for being the best mom you can be!! You know your child better than anyone else. Being her Mom instead of her Friend will be for the best in the long run. Good luck you got this.
The very first thing I would do is have a serious conversation with her father and stepmother. Use these responses as evidence that most people feel 9 is too young for a phone, and that teaching a child to hide and be dishonest is very wrong.
Social media and all the technology we have now is heavily addicting, and is becoming the reason for mental illness, conflict, division, and many other things. But at age 9, kids are missing out on huge growth and developmental skills, milestones and basic life experiences now due to being hooked on technology.
You are right to be frustrated and are a good mom for setting boundaries and caring about your child.
You’ll have to give it back to her dad. You have no right to take it away. You can say she can’t have it at your house but you can’t take it away for good. You can’t control what dad does at his house
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I am more curious how a nine year old hid it for that long without being caught.
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A 9 year old is too young to have a phone only to call text family? Lol….
I’d be having stern words to dad and stepmum!!
Shes 9 had it since Christmas 2021? That’s 1.5 yrs so since she was 7.5!!
And put time limits on it too!!
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Meet halfway and limit time…
She’s going to despise you for taking it away. Now dad’s house will be more fun because she’ll be looking forward to her cell phone.
Hes paying the bill I assume you need to tell him the phone is yo stay at his house if you do not approve of it in your home. And if she has a phone there you got 0 say.
everyone saying take it isn’t thinking about its a broken home and she has contact with her dad anytime she needs to talk . nothing wrong with that.
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You’re her mom, not her friend. Who cares if you’re the “bad guy”? Your job isn’t to give your child everything, your job is to teach them how to become an adult who can function in the world.
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She has been hiding but yet she has had it in her reach all day 
and she also has had it for two years and you’re just now saying something
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My kids all have ipads, it’s necessary for school. And my middle child will get a phone soon. But these things come with restrictions when at home. It’s not necessary to lock themselves away and stick a phone in their face for hours. And I’d rather them be cranky at reasonable use than to isolate and become engrossed with garbage internet use.
Go to your child’s father and tell him these are my rules with the phone, back me up or keep the phone at your house. I mean it’s great for them to keep contact with family…but they do not need to be on it for hours and hours
Pick your battle if it hasn’t been a problem for two years then why is it all of a sudden a problem now leave the girl be
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Ok she should be allowed access to her dad and family , the going behind your back it a no . I would let her have the phone as long as you have complete access to it . Limit her time on it and rule on what she uses it for . Also talk with her dad about the going behind your back .
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Unfortunately times have changed and electronic devices are and will continue to be a huge part of people’s lives, the sooner they grasp technology the sooner they can learn and adapt with it as it advances
It’s not even just a social thing anymore, all of my children’s schooling is done on a laptop or tablet, even when IN class
It’s up to PARENTS to enforce balance, no screen time until chores are done, equal play time to screen time ratio, or whatever works best for your household
My 7 year old has one since he was 5. He knows calling wise its mum dad nobody else no matter. He uses it for games and kids YouTube
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Ask for the phone to be kept at their house.
Unfortunately the life we live now is all about “phones” and “internet” “texting” etc
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I agree take it away at bedtime and tell her Father this should of been discussed between the two of you.Sad but many kids are on phones these days and putting wrong birthdays so they can get anything up on the internet.
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This is a sucky situation to be put in by her father, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’d be more concerned about why she hasn’t told you about it. And she’s had it for years now?? Has he told her not to tell you?? That’s some manipulative conniving stuff. I would calmly tell her that you don’t keep secrets from each other. Tell her she can use it provided she uses it responsibly and so long as it is being used in your house you want to be able to monitor it and while at your house she has to follow your rules with it. Then I would SERIOUSLY consider a teeth grinding holding back anger come to Jesus meeting with her father about how secrets don’t fly and you would’ve liked some say so in this matter.
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I feel like (especially for kid’s who live with split parents who are both involved) it’s important to have consistent and coparent! I HATED that my parents didn’t have the same rules it was (looking back) so exhausting, anxiety riddled, and inconsistent! I just wouldn’t parent my kids that way…. I personally would talk with dad about 1. Allowing the phone without communication with me first and 2. A game plan for limits/rules for the phone
You need to accept that the definition of childhood has changed. She is a normal child in 2023, and you took that from her. You also took her constant line to half her family.
Take it a bed time and give it back to her in the morning. Monitor uses and time on it so its not interfering with her school work and being social.
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That phone is an educational tool especially for reading and spelling show her how to be responsible and what to be aware of on the internet it’s an information hi way that could be a very important learning tool in her life
A conversation with her father is in order. A 9yr old doesn’t need internet access on a phone they aren’t supervised on. Also they don’t need that many contacts, they only need Mum, Dad, step mum, grand parents and siblings if they are teens. There are restricted phones for kids available that are basically like the old school phones that only call and text. Suggest one of those.
I asked my 7 year old granddaughter she said 16…lol… I am just amazed at the hiding and how she kept it from you. That’s a Dad with a bad idea of sharing custody
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Try to talk to the father?
But he how ever shouldve talked w you first.
Make a rule she can not have it at your house.
If shes hooked then they use it as a babysitter. And apparently you have let her stay in her room for to long…
Give it back to the father. But if he’s paying for it then so be it. But you can put timers on it so that when you have her she cant be on it all the time.
You let her have the phone to keep in touch with dad and his side of the family. Don’t be a control freak.
if u get on ok with the ex just speak to him about it i personally woudlnt let my 9 yr old have a phone when my kids were younger they were allowed a mobile when they went to seniors they were 11 or 12
We got a phone for our 8 yr old. He can use it. But we put limits on it. Your a kid. You need free play. But also i understand you want to talk to people. But rules are rules. Put your number in there. That way she can contact you also. Talk to dad. Maybe he got it to keep her busy. But theres got to be a reason. But mom can set rules.
Well, she can use it when she’s at her dad’s. And I’d have a conversation with her dad. How did he think it was appropriate to give her a phone without talking to you about it ?
Dad should have spoken to you about it. But it’s your house. For the people saying mom has no right to take it away are wrong. She is still a child and that’s moms house and dad or anyone else has no dictation on was occurs in that house. An idea is to maybe have a set time where she can use the phone to contact family and talk. In my house my 10 year old has my old iPhone no social media but he does text his dad and uncle. He’s a child so he will bother them all day long so we set restrictions on when he can text them making sure they are off work and such. The one good thing about the phone is school… I can use it to know where my kid is at and he can text me if there’s ever an emergency
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If it just had family what’s the big deal? Let her talk to her family.
No kid should have a cell phone unless it’s a flip phone
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I’m my child’s mother not her friend if I’m not the villain every now and then I’m not doing my job🤷🏼♀️
Also it sounds like they bought it for a reason. Sounds like you don’t let her talk to her dad or his family so they got a way for them to contact her. And you ripping it away kind of validates that you’re controlling
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My 8 and 11 yo only have gizmo watches. They can call and text 10 pre-set people and that’s it. Also has GPS and that’s all they will have for a little while
What she does on his time is his time. So I would say just keep it there.
He should of definitely talked with you before giving her one. I mean its nice he’ll pay for it. But that’s definitely something that should of been discussed first.
That being said if its only for her to text jer family. Then I don’t see the harm. As long as she doesn’t have tik tok and Facebook and such.
Tha fact she hid it though. Is B.S she was told to do so. Or she knew you’d be upset .
Tell him to come get it or it goes in the trash and all there is to it. If he lets her use one at his house…nothing you can do. But you don’t have to allow it in yours. There’s no real decision here. What you say goes and you should say NO
- Hiding the phone is mind-blowing. Makes me wonder what else she is hiding along with dad n stepmother.
- It’s ur house… ur rules.
- Ur kid too so u can place boundaries
- I agree with 9yo being too young to be concerned bout keeping contact even with cousins.
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Tell her she can only use it at her dad’s
I think we mere more info to understand.
I bought my 10 y/o son a phone when he was 8 because his father is an abusive narcissist. I needed a way to stay in contact with my son when he was with over there, because his father would always ignore my calls & text, even going as far as blocking me.
I think the best way to deal with it is to tell your daughter that in your home, there will be limits, only X amount of screen time per day, phone needs to be put away after 9:00 pm.
You need to find some middle ground.
You can set limits on how much time she can use the phone. Talked to her Dad and set an amount of time she can be on the phone.
I wonder what else he told her to hide from you? A child getting a phone is a huge excitement for that child. I would aggressively give it back to the dad with a serious warning, that it is not aloud at your house.
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Unpopular opinion so don’t come for me, but… explain to your daughter why it wasn’t right that her dad didn’t tell you. have a similar adult to adult conversation with him. Then let it be. Let her use it now she does at his house. As someone who’s mom would’ve karened me to death in this situation, because she had in very similar ones, it caused resentment. She may not want to be at your house if you push back too much (and for no reason at that. She had for that long without it being problematic and you had no idea). she hid it from you for a reason.
She gets it at night so she can call dad and say good night. Otherwise it’s put up. Unless there’s something in the custody order about her being allowed the phone then no she doesn’t need access all the time. And I’d talk to the dad bc at 9yo there shouldn’t be unrestricted access to the internet. And depending on games she may be playing she could be speaking with strangers. This is something you both should agree on if it’s meant to be at your house as well.
The fact the she was hiding it shows that she is not responsible enough to have a cell phone. There are too many dangers out there when using a phone
9 is too young for a cell phone. The fact she was hiding it was a red flag.
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Unpopular opinion but That’s not really fair you’re not the only parent if her father bought it you don’t have a right to take it, I would talk to dad about it. Maybe because you feel you’re right and don’t have to discuss with dad is the reason it was done behind your back. It’s sad because it’s obviously for communication makes me wonder if you control that too which is why they went this route.
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Although 9 is a bit young by the sounds of things shes not hooked to the phone she loves being able to have her own contact with her dad and his side of the family. As a parent you want those daily check ups and to know what your kids doing especially if you’re not the custodial parent and dont get that day to day life with them.
Guess everyone is different… my nearly 7 year old has a phone which I check on a daily basis!
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When she is with you , it’s YOUR rules . She will learn the difference and adjust fine . Kids know the difference between home and grandparents house right ? Have a talk with your ex , then INFORM daughter and step mom of the rules… also while you have possession of said phone , add some parental controls and DON’T give the password to daughter or ex .
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9 is too young to not have restrictions. Do you IN your house.
We had this issue with my step son. He was allowed to have it at his moms house only . When he was with us no cell phone until 12 that was our house rule and he was ok with it. After we sat him down and explained but the mom did tell us she was getting him a phone and my husband asked her not to have him bring it her and she didn’t send it until he was 12. He would use one of our phones to talk to his mom if he needed to call her
I would sit dad down and explain to him your worries and reasons you don’t feel she needs a phone. 9 is VERY young to have a phone. And if dad doesn’t listen to your points… set boundaries. She can use it at dad’s but she is to keep it at his house. I had this issue with my son’s dad and after I told him he would be leaving it at his house, he changed his mind. He’s 13 now and just got a phone (flip phone). When he gets a job he can get a smart phone. Until then, he has a way to contact me.
I’d let her keep the cell phone and monitor her time on it. I’d also talk to your ex about hiding stuff from you and tell him what your daughter said. Tell him your concerns about her being a child. It is a good safety precaution to have.
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Wow!!! He’s got some nerve. 9 years old and a cell phone isn’t necessary. Maybe a flip phone with no internet just calls and texts
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It’s a phone which she can use to keep in contact with family. I wouldn’t take that from her all together. Maybe limit the time she uses it, if you are that concerned but I wouldn’t take away her communication methods to her father/siblings etc permanently.
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No 9 year old needs a damn phone.
Nah something super up … sdon’t ever ignore that mum gut
Phones have GPS tracking. I would wonder if he was attempting to track your movements since she was given the phone, especially since it has been hidden from you. Did he tell her to hide it?
My daughters bio tried to do the same thing but with a GPS tracking bracelet that had a couple preset phone numbers attached. The moment I realized what it was I mailed it right back to him and alerted my lawyer. He had (still has) a history of stalking me and was attempting to using our child under the guise of “caring”. The judge saw through it thank goodness and ripped into him.
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It’s not her fault dad made a poor choice in keeping it from you. Now that you know I would get on the same page with dad and set some guidelines for her having it with you.
Much the same problem in my house . My grandson and his 2 boys are here . They are almost 8 and one is 10. They have phones, Nintendo’s and x box . They are tied up with that stuff 24 hrs a day . I’ve tried telling their dad it’s not good but he doesn’t care . It keeps them busy and out of his hair .
They are so into that stuff if I ask one of them a question they don’t even hear me. Don’t answer me . Especially the older one . He pays no attention to anything but what he’s looking at on that phone or x- box …
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Its the hiding part I would be livid
I wouldn’t say she is “hooked” but instead of just fucking snatching it away…I would have talked to her. But I don’t think she should have a phone either. But if she’s at her dads then it’s up to him if she has one there
Maybe he did it because it’s the only way he can contact his child. Do you keep her from contacting her father when she is with you? Is the only way she can interact with her father when it is his court appointed time? Instead of overreacting about it, open the means of communication about it. Talk to her father, and not in a threatening way. Don’t keep your child from contacting their other parent. If that’s not the case, then you may have an issue.
My teenagers don’t even have that kind of free reign over cell phones. They surrender them every night at 10 pm, they get locked up in cell phone jail if chores aren’t done or they’re grades are slipping, and they get surrendered during family vacations, meal times, family game night, movie night and holidays. They’re also required to spend 1 hour reading in the summer and at least one hour outside playing for every hour they want to use their devices.
Don’t punish the child for ur ex’s bad parenting
Be the villain! She is 9! Your the parent. She kept it secret from you as did her dad and like you said she’s afraid of missing msg! It’s unhealthy
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I would throw it away , tell them they can get her one and keep it there but she won’t have it at ur house ! She is to little ! And any time she brings a new one home u will throw it away until he can talk like an adult to u and discuss when it’s ok
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It has to be left at his house not come home with her.
We bought our granddaughter a gab phone. This one allows texts from pre programmed list by her mother and father… Names of people she is allowed to be in contact with. There are no facebook, google orr other apps that she can add herself. She can take pictures but not send them. She cannot receive pictures and the only music on it is from radio stations. She is allowed to talk to her approved friends. Our granddaughter had a tablet that she used to get onto apps, like Roblocks and flip a clip; two of which allowed her to talk to people from all over the world! This got her into some big trouble. It wasn’t long before she was googling LGBQT sites and getting mixed up on what she should have been concentrating on for her age. It was a hard lesson for everyone. We set out to get her a phone that pretty much acted like just a phone…for emergency use etc… She can take pictures but cannot send them. She loves listening to the music with just the radio. It is a great phone for just the age group the younger ones are into. Just look up “gab phone” and you can find info on it.
I could be wrong but this post is coming across like you have a problem with them having the ability to contact her without going through you. I don’t see why they would have done this and kept it hidden for this long if they were easily able to contact her before.
Kids grows up fast before anyone knows it they will live with the better parent not just because they get everything but they have open opportunity over one parent then the other ,
Maybe instead just taken away why not sit her down and explain what she needs it for and how to handle it like a grown up ,
Make a list of rules you want to have dealing with the phone
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Maybe 20 to 30 minutes per day or 10 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes around lunch time and 20 minutes before bed
And no phone when she goes out for a family group
But these days everyone especially kids needs them in case of emergency
There is news reporting shooting in mall or schooling and in big gatherings she will have access to call 911 or you or dad
Because it’s been lied about this is a hard place for me. I’d be like you can use it but it has to be left where I can see it and my phone number goes in it. I’m going be the devils advocate if she’s had it for two years and you didn’t notice it what else haven’t you noticed sorry I know I’m going get labeled here. But how has she been taking pictures and sending stuff for two years without you noticing
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She isn’t to young to have a mobile phone
Perhaps her father gave it to her
To her for contact reasons
Shame on dad for not discussing it with you.
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I can’t stand a conniving parent who do ish behind my back. She’d never get it back. Ugh I can’t stand him
Had a similar situation with my step son that lives with us full time. His Dad took it and turned it off and put it on top of the fridge and he can only take it with him when he went to visit her which is like once a month. We didn’t care if we were the bad guys. Dad told her that he didn’t approve of it, they never asked him, and we didn’t give cell phones to young kids in our house. Son was whiney for a while but had no choice but to get over it because there was no bending the rules. Service was eventually turned off anyway because his Mom couldn’t afford the bill. Sometimes you have to be the villain for the greater good even if it sucks. He is allowed to FaceTime his mom all he wants from Dad’s phone. Tell her Dad you did not approve and no one asked you and you get to have a say. I know it sucks. Good luck 
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I agree with restricting her usage. Esp at night. The fact she hid it from you raises some red flags for me. Why did she hide it? I’d also program a few numbers in it for your family (you, grandparents, etc). Having access to a phone where she can talk to her other parent isn’t a bad thing. Mine has had a phone since she was 8 so she could talk to whichever parent didn’t have her. I take it from her after a certain time bc I don’t want it interfere with her sleep.
All of you getting your children’s phones at any age need to have it monitored closely and have a discussion with your children about human trafficking
Ask dad to set parental controls and monitor screen time
My daughter just turned 10 and she’s had a phone since Easter of age 8. She is allowed to take it when she spends the night places, and when she goes to her dads house. When she’s at home she is allowed to have the phone as long as chores, homework etc. are done and that includes you’ve done something else interactive today that wasn’t electronic. And typically around 930pm I take it from her. I also have it set up where from my phone I can see every single thing she’s doing even which YouTube videos she has clicked on. I don’t think it’s bad she has a phone, however as someone who co parents I think it’s terrible her father got her one without even having a conversation with you about it and he has created a sneakiness between your daughter and you where she thinks it’s okay to break your trust because dad says it’s okay.
Google family link app . If she is going to have the phone set boundaries. Then have a separate conversation with father about giving child things and telling her to hide it from you that’s is disrespectful and ridiculous. But also how did you not know she had the phone 
9 is not to young for a cell phone.
My son and nephew both have phones. I get the hiding it from you is messed up!
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