My 9 year old came home from her dads with a cell phone. Apparently she’s had it since Christmas 2021 (edit because the year was incorrect.)She’s had it at reach all day texting and sending videos to all of the people her father programmed into her phone. (Himself, his wife, his mom, her siblings and cousins).I took it away for the night and she cried. She cried saying that dad lets her use it however often she wants. She said ”what if I miss messages? She’s already hooked.I don’t want this for her.I want her to be a child and play and interact with the people around her. What do I do? My mom gut says no, but I can already tell I’ll be made to be a villan if I don’t give her free reign.
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It doesn’t matter being the good guy or bad guy, your focus is where it needs to be. You and dad & step mom need to have a conversation and get on the same page. Set boundaries and rules for the phone and have a talk with her about hiding things from you. Good luck mama 🩵
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That’s crazy 9 is a little young for that. I would definitely be checking it and limiting time if you don’t want to take it away completely and I would have a few choice words for her dad
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Get on board with dad. Set some ground rules. Then, both of you need to talk to your daughter together.
You will have to compromise. Be the grown ups you are and figure out a solution.
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I honestly feel it’s ok especially when they don’t live with both parents. It’s kinda a plus for you to be in contact with her when she is at dads. Just set rules. The dad should have told you he was getting it.
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My daughter has had a cell phone since she’s 9. Just limit her activity in it, go through it and monitor and make sure she keeps active with a sport and hangs out with friends. The real issue is why your ex decided to go behind your back and get it without telling you
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I’d be furious, my almost 9 year old does not have a phone & will not have one till I know it’s appropriate time for him. I’d monitor everything on her phone it’s a scary world out there!! Dad & you need to have a serious conversation.
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I would take it at night. And monitor her use
My 9 year old doesn’t have a phone but she does have messenger kids she can use when she has electronic privileges during certain hours of the day.
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I got my 9 year old son a limited phone for Christmas this past year. I have family link on it and restrictions. He knows it will be taken away if he abused it. I would allow it with rules.
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Yes allow, limited time but also your house your rules. You could perhaps but restrictions into the phone to limit usage
My 8 year old has a phone but we limit time from it.
Why does only one parent get to make the rules
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Oh heck no! 9 is to young. Your doing the right thing
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Put time limits on it. She has to give it to you during bedtime, meals, and do a certain amount of other things (playing outside or reading) to use it daily.
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But doesn’t she have the right to have contact with family . Is this not a good thing as she could use it to contact you when at her dad’s?
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Boundaries are good. I don’t know your arrangements but you should certainly be able to set limits on your time with her. Maybe the two of you can sit down and work out some limits. No phone at dinner. An hour to chat and catch up with everybody after school, then take a break for homework, chores, and/or family time. Tech time after bath until lights out. It’s worth a try. Let her help set the time table so she feels you are listening to her.
Family link her phone, that way you can monitor what she does and have the phone locked and unlocked at certain times.
My son has had a phone since he was 9. We have parental controls and I have to approve all apps. He doesn’t have FB, Snapchat, instagram or any other type of social media. He mainly watches YouTube videos or makes his own videos. We helped him set up a YT channel to play his video games. He only has family programmed in the phone but he doesn’t even talk on it very much. He barely even sends any text. But I and his Dad have free reign over the phone and at any time we can take it and check it. He is 11 now and is very responsible. Of course Dad is a sheriff deputy and we have safety chats with him on the regular. He knows if he plays on roblox he isn’t allowed to give out any personal information. But even on that he mainly just plays with family and immediate friends. You and Dad need to have a discussion and come to an agreement on how often she can be on it and what she is allowed to access. If you simply take it away at your house and dad still allows at his that seems like more of a problem to me. Then you are the one who is out of the loop. Best of luck.
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Speak to
Her father about it . It should not have been hidden from you . But she needs open contact with her father and that side of the family . Perhaps there can have limits put on phone that will be limited ?
It’s 2023. I don’t see anything wrong with having a phone. I had a phone. I did my chores and was well behaved.
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Your house, your rules. You are the mom and in control in your home. I would limit the time she gets it. When they are on these devices all day long they don’t want to stop to eat and then they have a hard time decompressing from it to fall asleep. My kids go on their tablets from 1pm to 7pm with 1 hours breaks to eat and go outside. You pick her schedule or if it really bothers you and you don’t think she is really for all that input. Take it away and give it back when she leaves for her dad’s house. Don’t let anything be forced on you. Yea you will be the “bad guy” for a little while but they get over it when they see you mean it. Good luck.
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I think as long as she is able to call and txt her dad that be it… turn off everything else…my heart would be broken if my child felt the need to hide a phone): shouldn’t ever feel like that and I’d ask myself how I didn’t know… mama of six and I am totally in their business 24/7… good luck mama
I would not allow her to bring it to your house. Your house, your rules. Nine years old, way to young.
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You are the mom and you set the rules, and yes , sometimes we will be seen as villains but well it’s our job to raise them .
The fact that your ex gave her a phone behind your back is something that you should address with him.
I will let her use it but with limitations
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I would give her a time limit to use.
You are the mom. She is 9. Tell your ex that he doesn’t make all of the rules! Let her have it at his house and it can stay at his house only if he doesn’t want to respect u and at least talk to u about it before he went and bought it.
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I’d sit down with her and have an honest chat about how wrong it is to keep secrets and that’s why you took it away cause she was keeping it from you, don’t take it away completely but just tell her there is certain times in the days he can’t have it like late at night and if she lies or keeps things from you again you will be taking it away from her
My 9 yr old has one but honestly he could care less about it. His father and I bought it for him so that way he has it if he’s spending the night with a friend or family and needs one of us or for emergencies. He also takes it to school when in session so if something happens he can contact me, I don’t have a lot of faith in humanity anymore and there’s too many cruddy people that are walking around. In this day and age kids actually need a phone for safety reasons, let’s b honest we can’t b with them all the time!
It’s not totally a bad thing long as she uses it for the right reasons like to keep in touch with her dad and such I would monitor what she’s looking at though…and I would talk to her dad on why it was hidden from you…
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I’m really big on no cellphones until your like 12 but again that’s just me! The dad should have a conversation with you about this especially if it’s easier for him to contact her without going through you. However now that she it at your home set rules and boundaries with the phone and don’t feel guilt about it she your child and she has to respect that. And hiding it for 2 years mind blowing. Talk to that dad about it too he should know better
This is a subject that both parents are supposed to communicate with and not sneak around with to begin with let alone allowing her to hide it from you. I would definitely chat with dad about it and make grounds rules. Otherwise he keeps the phone at his place only.
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I wouldn’t take it away maybe talk to dad about it being kept a secret but otherwise leave it alone … cause I know for a fact if it was the other way around and mom gave child a phone and dad wanted to keep put away during his time mom would be throwing a fit . Leave it be.
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You’re allowed to say she can only have it at her dad’s.
I would be more upset that the other parent thought that was okay without discussing it with you
If you don’t take it away I would at least take it before bedtime.9 Is very young to start being obsessed with a phone and tied to it
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If it was told to be a secret, I’d be really upset.
You should speak to her Dad and discuss- keeping secrets. It sets up a precedent that this is okay behavior. It is not and your child will be the one who suffers in the end.
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“I can already tell I’ll be made to be a villain if I don’t give her free reign” well I mean you are her mom, not her friend.
Dad gave it to her. Tell her for you that you don’t want her to have it so young. It is for her to use at her dad’s only. It would have been nice if dad had discussed it with you first.
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I would not freak out on her but on your ex. He’s the one that gave it without communicating with you about it.
Yes, it’s not ok she never mentioned it but I’m sure he has to do with it not wanting you to know, especially that only few contacts on there from his side.
Is it one of those phones that you can only put so many contacts and that’s it ? Or can she add anyone ?
Definitely have a talk with her about the fact you were in such a big shock not knowing about this and it’s not her fault but her dads fault .
You want her to be able to tell you anything and trust you so as much as this hurts you make sure you have a chat with your ex.
I’m sorry you are dealing with this. Sounds like he didn’t communicate with you like he should have. Hope it gets better for you.
She’s literally already had it that long. I’d let it go
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So. I have a few things to touch on…
First, You really should reach out to her father and explain to him that you do not appreciate that she has been hiding a phone from you for a 1½ years. You are her mother and you have a right to know what is going on and that big decisions like that need to be made together. If he does anything sneaky like that again. I would bring it up to the court.
Second, I do not know what state you are in, but here in Arizona if you are separated and your child goes between the 2 of you…if one parent buys a phone for their child, the other parent is not allowed to take it away. And when I say that I mean ‘No phone at all while at your house’. The parent is allowed to communicate with their child however they can so buying them a phone can ensure that he has communication with his daughter all the time and you cannot take that away from either of them. What you are allowed to do is set rules for household and you can tell her father the same thing. That you have rules like no phone at dinner time, or don’t take it outside because it’s too hot and you might break it, or no phone after 9 PM because you have a bedtime. Those are basic rules in your household that you follow and he can’t interfere with what’s going on in your house.
Personally I don’t think her having a phone is so much an issue as the keeping it hidden from you part. You can explaine to her that she has to be limited on it and not use it all the time.
He can make that decision for his own time. But he has no control over what happens during your time and the rules at your house. You have EVERY right to take control of it when she and the phone come to your house. Personally, if my daughter were encouraged to hide it and did so, I’d ground her just for that. Hiding things from your parent is wrong. The reason in this case doesn’t matter. I suspect he’s the reason she was hiding it, so you should talk to her and ask her why she hid it for so long. I’d also leave her out of it after that and call him up directly and ask why he hid that from you and didn’t talk to you about it beforehand. It doesn’t help your coparenting relationship when one parent hides things from the other. If he’s willing to hide this, where would he draw the line? Is there even a line? Or is the sky the limit? I have a sneaky suspicion she hid it because he told her to and the reason she’s freaking out is because you found it and she doesn’t want you and her father at odds. And she also doesn’t want to get in trouble for doing what he told her to do, despite her knowing it wasn’t a good idea. But the lesson here is in life we have choices. She chose to hide her phone from you. It would’ve been much easier to be upfront about it and tell you. But, she made a choice. Choices have consequences.
Question is why did they have to hide it from you? Are you not allowing him to talk to his daughter whenever they want? Why did he have to get it behind your back? A child will be a child, all my kids have phones my 1 yr old has one in her diaper bag so no excuses on to why I don’t know where she is at while I’m at work my 6 yr old has one and takes it to school in case of emergency as well as my 13 and 12. They all put their phones up and play outside when they feel like it
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Too young for a cell phone. Shoot my 14 year old is earning to get a new cell phone. A phone case, memory card. He is already passed what he was supposed earn. He said he is not ready and is fine with my old phone for now for games to use on wifi
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Let her keep it, but when she’s with you, she has to follow your rules. Also, I would have a talk with dad about it.
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I wouldn’t keep it from her unless she’s using it for the wrong purposes (talking to strangers, visiting certain websites etc) maybe plug it in in your bedroom when she goes to bed and she can have it in the morning, yes it is a problem that it was kept a secret but that’s on dad for not telling you. If she’s using t to keep in contact with friends and family I don’t see an issue with that
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Shes had it for two years and you didn’t know it. So I doubt it’s as big of a deal as you’re making it out to be. She didn’t tell you because she knew you would take it and you showed her that’s exactly how you’re going to react to things. She’s just going to keep hiding things from you and you’re never going to be truly in the loop of what’s going on in her life. Good luck for the teenage years.
Been there, done that. My daughter’s father gave her a smart phone, despite knowing I was against it, and neither of them told me about the phone’s existence. I knew she wasn’t ready for that kind of freedom or responsibility, but I gave her chance after chance to prove me wrong. Long story short, I finally took it away for good last week. I messaged her dad, telling him that it just wasn’t working out, so I’ve taken it away, and to let me know if he wanted it to use or sell, since he’s the one that bought it, before I dispose of it myself. Moral of my story: the phone itself is his property, but your house, your rules at home. You have to do what you feel is right under your own roof.
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Um 9 is a little young for a phone. Why didn’t the ex discuss this with you first. It’s your house your rules. Let her get mad and throw a fit tell her that just proves she’s not old enough or mature enough to handle a phone.
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Or you keep it at your house and she has to ask permission to use it
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I tell her she can only have it at dads not ur house tell him same and say if u do I will take it
Let her have it for 2 hours a day and let her pick the 2 hours. If she doesn’t agree…take it away.
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The problem here is that the phone was kept a secret. Although I agree 9 is too young to have a phone if she’s using it to keep in touch with family I would consider her keeping it so she can talk to her family when she would like. However, the fact that she hid it and the fact that dad didn’t mention it is a huge red flag in itself. I would be sitting down with both of them to have a conversation and figure out why secrets are being kept and why you were not aware of her cellphone so you could monitor and make sure she is safe. Does she have any type of parental restrictions on there? The internet is a scary place for small children.
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Lol I love how everyone says how bad it is are they themselves on a phone or tablet or computer, on the internet.
Time limits that’s all. My oldest had a phone at 9 due to sports and after school activities to contact me. She would use it once homework was done until dinner so like an hour or so. Then it went off and put up. We live in a world of technology now. Imo if parents want to live by that absolutely no technology they should live by it themselves too.
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I would use parental controls to limit or block social/web apps and dial in screen time to something that’s acceptable for her age. Also, add the Bark app so you can be immediately alerted to anything inappropriate. Unless there’s some kind of threatening situation or past we don’t know about, I wouldn’t limit contact with her father or his family at all. This isn’t like years past when a child in a blended family can just pick up the kitchen phone and speak to their other parent - which should be allowed at anytime. It’s possible that she feels like it’s off-putting or hurtful to you to ask to use her phone to speak to the other side of her family. She may have been hiding the phone because she was protecting her peace in that sense.
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I don’t know how I would handle this but her dad is no good for doing this behind your back.
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Deal with it, life is Changing
I don’t see the big deal? Mine have phones. They still love to go outside and play…… it’s 2023.
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Act like the adult and take it away
It seems like the issue is that she’s texting and sending videos to the people her dad programmed into it. Do you allow her to freely text those people from your phone? Do she have open communication with them? You didn’t say anything about what she can do online but more about contacting her family. I got my daughter an iPad like at 7 so she could have open communication with her dad and his family. I did not want them to not communicate because it was to my phone nor did I want my phone to be so easily accessible. I also wanted her to be able to communicate with her dad whenever she felt the need. I know that there might be times she might want him and not me so I didn’t want to make her feel like she had to come to me before she could communicate with him. Do set boundaries like what time it has to be turned off, having it during meals, etc. but also allow her to have the communication open with her other family.
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9 is too young to be obsessed with a phone when my granddaughter was 9 she got a phone but only for health reasons as shes type 1 diabetic, if you let your child have it id limit the time allowed and say thats your rules in your home, id be upset dad made that decision without consulting you 1st
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It makes you question why she felt the need to hide it from you. I’d worry more about her feeling like she can’t be truthful and open about things like this with you especially because you didn’t think before you just reacted and saw it as bad immediately. Such as he not wanting to miss messages. Maybe theyre from her granny or her dad? Its her way of staying in contact with them without having to constantly bug you to facetime/call them. There are plenty of things you could do to keep your foot “on the ground” and let her have the item. Just with limits such as putting on parental Controls on the device, limiting the amount of screen time, password to download apps/games. Bc who she can talk to her dad already limited.
Get Family Link for her phone. Gives complete control to the parents.
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Take it at bedtime. That’s how kids “play” at this age. This life is all about electronics. It’s sad to say kids don’t know how to be outside anymore. The world we use to know as far as playing outside and having a real conversation is gone. All they know now is phones.
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No phone in room and no phone after 8 are my rules. I also put bark on my kids phone to block adult websites
I would be livid! More-so with your ex! He was having her keep secrets from you! My biggest questions would be 1. Is he even monitoring it? 2. How did it go on for almost 2 years of not knowing she had a phone when she was with you?? She’s still a child and probably doing what she was instructed to do. BUT, she either had to be very sneaky around you (which to some degree at her age she knew it was wrong) or you weren’t present and in the moment with her. I would take the phone until you have a discussion with your ex. If you allow the phone in your house on your time, I would make sure it’s being monitored. I would have the condition that you have the password to it.
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Stand your ground. My bonus kids both got cell phones when they turned 7. And they bring them to our house but they get only 1-2 hours a day on it and obviously can answer it if someone calls but we make them be kids here. They have their phones in their faces all day every day at their other parents house. You’re not being the bad guy you’re setting a boundary.
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It has to be monitored because social media and all these things these days are out of control. I do think she’s a bit young but if she’s out a lot without you it’s good for her to keep in contact with you which is nice. Definitely should be limitations. I’d definitely take it at night and stuff.
The real question is why didn’t dad tell you about it ? Sort out the co-parenting situation befor anything else. Push any petty things aside and do what’s best for the child
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If you don’t want her to have a phone give it to dad and tell him when she’s with him she can have it bc that’s his rules but at your house she is not to have a phone
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How clueless and uninvolved of a parent are you for a phone to go unnoticed for 2 years?
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Be the villain.I regret doing anything with electronics for my kiddos.You are being a good parent.I think a talk with the other parent(if its not high conflict)is in order.
Every state is different, but in my state you can’t legally take it. My mom got me a phone at around 8 so I could call her and tell her goodnight. My dad tried taking it away, but he legally couldn’t.
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If I was her dad I’d be pissed you took a phone you didn’t buy and don’t pay the monthly bill for. Yeah yall should discuss it together but you didn’t buy it so you can’t take it. Ya’ll need to talk and establish rules for it. How would you feel if you bought a phone and he took it from her?
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Your house. Your rules. Tell father she can keep it at his house. Let him know she’s hiding it. If she’s hiding that, what else is she hiding.
Balance is important. I have a 10yo with a phone. She’s addicted to technology, but she has also spent her summer in the pool, riding bikes, playing board games, at gymnastics practice, jumping on the trampoline, baking, and rollerskating. There’s nothing wrong with having a phone during down time as long as you try to limit the down time. We also have always taken it away at night, with the excuse that we will make sure it’s charged. We’ve done this for all our kids until they turned 13. We do charge it at night, but taking it prevents it from keeping kids up.
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Your job is to be a parent not a friend. The fact she is hiding things is consequential enough.
You need to have this conversation with her father. Explain this is something the two of you should of discussed and by doing this behind your back was extremely disrespectful.
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TAKE IT AWAY. No question.
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When she is at your house, she plays by your rules, end of story !
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Remember you’re the parent not your 9 year daughter, if you feel she’s too young then so be it. Do speak to child’s father regarding the cell phone, you both should always agree on situations even if you both disagree on things.
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I think the big issue here is she’s had it since 2021 and you’re just now noticing…
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Each family mom or dad has rules to live by I’d set my rules at my home if she/he don’t like it so be it and I’d tell dad he needs to explain your rules and when she/ he goes to dad’s then she/ he can go by his rules to me no kid should live on a phone all the time but its the generation so mom you need to lighten up some but set rules be the bad parent and let her get over it lol
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What about the ppl she wants to interact with that ARENT around her (the ppl he programmed into the phone)
He was wrong for not talking with you about it but he’s allowed to buy things for her as well.
Find a way to incorporate it into her life. Set a schedule. Restrictions on websites. Phone times etc.
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I really hate it when the other parent has to make it look like you’re the bad parent. It’s too bad we can all be adults and discuss what we want for children. I would just set ground rules for her, Even though that allows you to have it whenever you want, which will affect him in the long run. My daughter’s dad gave her everything under the sun spoiled her and everything and I knew it wasn’t right but he had to learn his own way. But in your house your rules remind her that she can have it during the day for a little bit after she’s done chores or whatever you were rules are and no bedtime. We were like that. No, I know we live in a society where technology is important and it’s based on everything nowadays. As a kid it shouldn’t be like that. Too many gateway situations on the internet that the kids get consumed with and the parents don’t even realize until it’s too late. My daughter didn’t have Facebook or anything until she was an adult. Tried. Believe me she tried to ask for it and we as a separated family have a firm belief. No she didn’t need it and it helped a lot. I even went to the points where I would test her saying oh I saw you on Facebook and she would actually say no mom. She’s not. I’m not on Facebook. And she doesn’t feel attached to it now, which is a good thing. She’s out a young adult doing her thing.
You need to do what is best for your house no matter how your child feels and then ask dad that it not return to your home.
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“I wAnT mY cHiLd To Be A cHiLd AnD pLaY oUtSiDe” types up problems on a phone to ask the internet for advice
I definitely think the hiding is wrong and he should have communicated with the other parent properly, but I do think being reasonable and setting reasonable boundaries with technology will go a whole lot further than taking it away all together.
Put time restrictions and limit what she can do on it. We did this with out girls once they turned 10 &11 because they go back and forth between their mom and us. It let’s them be able to communicate with both parents without the other parent being the middle man
Your kid has managed to hide a phone from you for 2 years? And now you wanna take it off her because now know about it 
erm no give it back to her she has managed fine for 2 years without you knowing anything about it and still been a "normal’ child set a boundary like some have suggested and speak to the dad 
yeah I would be pissed if I had discovered my 10 year old had done this but then she wouldn’t be able to hide this from me her little sister would rat her out 
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You dont have to be the good guy. Or her friend you just have to be a good mom and parent. Trust your instinct.
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I’m gonna be the odd ball out. But here is my thoughts any way. 1 why did dad get her the phone?? Does he feel him and her family on his side don’t get access to her enough??? 2 why did your child feel the need to hide and or lie about it??? 3 has dad talked to you in the past and did you deny the idea??. Here’s my reason for asking this. My SD 10 only gets to talk to her dad. And only on BMs time. SD can’t talk to BM about dad because she gets introuble and or makes BM visibly up set. SD has 2 sisters from daddy and she can’t talk to them on a regular basis only when she comes visit because again BM doesn’t like it.
I personally have had thus happen with my oldest except he never hid it from me. You set boundaries take it at night and homework first. That’s not taking the phone away just helping her prioritize daily things. And for sure talk to dad and see what the reason was and compromise. Your not the only parent that can make decisions… child is not only yours but his too.
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I’d let her use it if she is only talking to family but I’d limit it at your house. Maybe she can send 1 message to people in the morning and then 1 again before bed. If they want to call her the phone will be say in the kitchen so you will hear it ring or they can use the house phone if you have one. I’d explain to her that she can miss messages or calls. It’s ok not to respond instantly. The messages will be there when she checks later on. But she can’t be using it all day. Idk how your relationship is with her father but I’d talk to him about getting her this and if it’s really an issue tell him that she can use it at his house since she has obviously been doing for years and never needed to bring it to your house before now. So there is no reason to do it now. Let him know that she is on it all day and it’s not good for her.
Ive family link on my kids phone… Time limit… Have to do stuff around house
You have every right to be upset. You need to talk to her dad about this issue. Then sit her down and have very clear boundaries when it comes to the phone. Ya know, no social media, set time limits, you as the parent gets to go through her phone to make sure that no sketchy crap is going on, etc. You’re her mom you don’t have to be the good guy on this.
You child has had a phone for 2 years and you haven’t noticed?!
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Dad needs to admit he was wrong and take it. Should have discussed with you.
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Chores before use of phone. Our 10 year old has one and she has it after she’s done all her chores in the morning. She keeps in contact with her mum etc so we don’t mind the use of it as long as when we ask her to do something she does it. If we go out the phone stays inside. No phones during dinner time family time. And it’s put on the bench at night before bed( she says goodnight too all her friends/family first).
But in saying that we all had an discussion with her mum etc before she got her phone.
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That’s the new norm 7 8 9 yr Olds with phones glad my kids are raised without cell phones electronics.