My daughter is very defiant...advice?

I feel like a failure for a mother… My 3 almost 4 year old has the most terrible behavioral issues and she does not listen to me at all… I’ve tried everything but I don’t want to spank her because I don’t think it’s right. I don’t even let her stay with family without me there ever because I know how defiant and bad behaved she is. She gives everyone a hard time as soon as she doesn’t get her way. I try to explain to her that she can’t do certain things and that there will be consequences but she takes me as a joke and continues on… I’ll take away toys, put her in alone time, get to eye level and talk to her and even try to yell, and still nothing. I feel like I can’t even go anywhere not to the store to run important errands, family events, anything because she is so bad behaved. She will have me chasing after her and she will be touching everything she’s not supposed too. She flat out tells me NO when I tell her not to do something.I have seen so many other little kids her age so behaved and well mannered. What am I doing wrong?:sob: in no world should she be running my life and be able to dictate if we can leave the house to go anywhere, I’m the mother so should be the boss! She’s my first baby and I just had a baby boy. I don’t want him to pick up this behavior as well when he’s her age):


Either you get her in line now or she will cont to get worse. You need to be stricter. By this time she knows what she is doing. Not a beating but a swat on the bottom might be what she needs to believe you mean it.


I’ll tell you what my son’s behavioral pediatrician told me. Reward good behavior with something like a stamp on the hand, a sticker on her shirt, ECT. You can pick those things up fairly cheap. She also told me to pick my battles with the rest of the behavior. Pretty much unless it’s something that would cause bodily harm to her or someone else, let it go. “Catch” her in the act of being good. Give praise and whatever little reward you choose. She said if a child is always called down for bad behavior that they will continue with bad behavior to get the attention she’s wanting. Spend time with her while baby is sleeping. You can bake together. Let her help add ingredients to the bowl. Let her help with dinner preparation. Laundry. Involve her in everything. Even helping with baby. Getting baby’s diapers, wipes.


In the store/public as soon as 1 of mine started I’d leave the cart and we’d go home. It worked on my 4 and 2 grandsons… Same with family get together, church, wherever. Also if we were out to eat and they showed out they went to the car with me or dad while the rest enjoyed dinner! It never took too long for it to stop, if you say you’re going to then do it!


comparing your child to other peoples children is the only thing you are doing wrong :heart:

terrible 2’s wasn’t even a thing for me but this 4 year old of mines test me every day in every way possible and i also have a 4 month old and it seemed to only get worse when i came home with the baby.


Hi mom… what I have learned is that cartoons, videos n movies are doing more harm than good. I wish you all the best


Have you had her checked to see if she might be on spectrum for autism?


It sounds to me like you’re doing the best you can. Don’t beat yourself up.
There are other strategies you could try. There are books out there that can help. Try “parenting your strong willed child”.
Hopefully it’s just a phase but also talk to your pediatrician. Hang in there mama.


Put her in preschool, so she sees other kids or let family you trust watch her so she learns it’s just not mom telling me no… Socialize her.


Make sure no means no. Consistent rules. One day cant be ok just today. If you tell her not to do something stand behind it. Also pick your battles. Everything cant be negative. Praise the good she does.


Search up Super Nanny Jo Frost tips and tricks for the naughty spot. Basically time out. Lol. Done correctly, you will see results. If you don’t stick to the steps, you will not see results. The best thing is you can use those steps ANYWHERE you go.


What I can tell you as a teacher of tiny humans is that it’s your kids JOB to test boundaries. You HAVE to stay strong, follow through and keep going. Don’t give in and be firm


Just having a new baby can affect her also she’s looking for attention whether it be negative


Your not the first one to have to learn the joys of a defiant threenager, ignore the people calling for corporal punishment and continue with time out and loss of priviledge,

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I’m sorry but I raised 3 children on my own and I can honestly say I they never behaved badly with me or anyone. Boundaries need to be set as soon as they are able to understand they just can’t get everything there own way.

If u give her a small spanking she won’t expect it and have hurt feelings because u spanked her even though u didn’t want to do that.then tell her I wouldn’t have had to do that if u would listen and behave.


Oh those threes and fours are either absolute worst! I guess I would need to figure out, is this a new behavioral issue, is it happening at certain times, maybe her diet may have an impact. I’m not sure. There’s so many factors it could be and I’m sure a pediatrician or PCP could point you in the right direction.

I would talk to her pediatrician. Look into ADHD, mood disorder, autism, odd and i have never been one to believe in therapy or understand the true impact it can make, I would see about a behavioral therapist for her.


Please see a paediatrician. She could be on the autism,sounds like oppositional defiance disorder,all which need intervention and she can be helped.Also.maybe not coping with new baby on the scene. I wish you all the best.

Maybe since having your baby boy she is looking for attention through good or negative behaviour

Follow through with the consequences
Maybe when she does push back tell her no …. And put her in time out and say do you know why your here
For this etc …

But they do push the boundaries to see what they can get away with
It does get easier

An old fashion spanking will do the trick, as you can tell your other methods are not working. I got plenty of spankings as a child and it taught me real quick I better not do such and such and I better listen. If you can’t get her under control one day the court will. I also wouldn’t ask her more than once to do something, she is testing you and seeing what she can get by with and doing just that. I have 4 kids who are very respectful and well mannered. I will not tolerate disrespect of any type from a child.


There could be other things going on with her get her into the pediatrician and get her tested for serval different things it could be that something is seriously going on and it something that has to be medicated for or some therapy or something cause it sounds like your doing everything right. .but def. Get her checked out.

Same exact situation… Except now she tells me she doesn’t like me and will cry for her dad every chance she gets. Breaks my heart.

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Obviously this isn’t the group for me.
Ok…I was earlier told that I’m acting entitled…
Actually I believe in teaching our kids to be decent human beings… instead of unappreciated spoiled kids. And it’s your kids not mine…so whatever…but when your kid is trying to fit into this world and he/she can’t get or keep a job…or they get in trouble with the law/probably at a young age/ it will be on you because they don’t know what respect is.
Ungrateful people rarely go far…but like I said it’s your kids.
I’m sure this will be deleted and I will be banded from the group… But that’s ok. I’m certainly not staying in group that thinks construction criticism is an adult acting entitled.

Probably the unpopular opinion, but whipping some ass will help. I’m not saying beating your child but a spanking does wonders. Believe me some kids it takes a spanking some times.

Imo it sounds like she’s testing boundaries which is normal for her age, however, seeking professional help can also be beneficial. Look up pediatric psychologist in your area and see if her pcp will refer her to them. They can teach you both in different areas of life.

Lightly tap her mouth or butt. It doesnt have to hurt to shock her. Lock her in her room, no snacks or treats or TV. Put soap in her mouth. Or hot sauce doesn’t have to be alot either and if you put a little bit of soap on the inside of her teeth or tongue and then make her wash out her mouth she will not die

My one and a half year old granddaughter throws temper tantrums it’s the age

Talk with her pediatrician???

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You need to start. Because that’s the only way they’ll listen


A spanking when she started with that behavior could have saved you the discomfort and all the problems you are going through now. You have to be consistent with your discipline method, the next time she says NO to you after you tell her to do or to stop doing something raise your voice tone , give her a little touch on her lips and with all the attitude let her know that the one in charge is you and not her, you are going to have to use a little rudeness because if not it will get worse.

Every kid is different and have to be discipline differently, there is a huge difference between a spanking and abuse , and for some kids a spanking is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY ( of course a spanking should be your last resource when you have repeated yourself more than once )

And do not discard a evaluation , to make sure that she doesn’t have any mental / behavior issues .

And also , include her in taking care of your new baby so she doesn’t feel jealous and displaced


You need professional help.

What did your mama do to you when you acted up as a child I bet she busted that butt and look you’re still alive and you learn respect

Difference between spanking and beating your kids. Nothing wrong with popping her on the butt. All your really going to do is hurt her feelings but she will know your not playing.

That’s how three year olds are.


Cut sugar from her diet as much as reasonably possible and make sure she gets plenty of exercise. Sometimes putting a plastic slide, ball pit, small bouncy house or trampoline in the living room can give them an outlet for energy without running you down. My 2 were very different at that age. My wild one behaved better with a little bit more leash, which is counter intuitive but it worked. Don’t assume that she’ll behave poorly without you. Studies show that kids worst behavior is with mom. Having attention from another relative might be just what she needs, especially with the new baby. They could always bring her right back home if she acts out. Time with kids her age or a little bit older could also help. Kids learn social behavior from each other. Keep time outs, etc short. At this age, attention span lasts only minutes. They’ll forget why they are punished. And if the consequence lasts too long, you’ll have nothing left to leverage. She needs a clean slate every hour of every day, has to have a chance to turn the behavior around.

She’s 3. U just had a new baby. She’s just looking for attention and she’s clearly found that acting up nd misbehaving is getting her attention. Maybe set aside a day or two a week just for her nd u. As far as ppl saying 2 spank her. Ur just gonna teach her to fear u . Nd no child should fear their parent. I couldn’t fathom hitting, even tapping a child. If u wouldn’t like it done 2 u u shouldn’t do it to them.

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My four year old is bad to and it’s because I never want to spank her but I’ve started swatting her gently just hurt there feelings not them physically

I’ll be the odd mom out I guess. I had to start popping my daughter. Not hard, not crazy, not often. Honestly once you have one or two bad days where they get popped a few times total each day, the behaviors start to slow down and stop. Now I can start counting and by 2 she stops.


As some have said definitely talk to her pediatrician about ADHD, ASD, ODD, etc. Please do not spank your child for having emotions. Half the adults in the world can’t handle their own emotions or attitudes and no one smacks them for it. When you spank/smack your children all you’re doing is teaching them to be scared of you or that it’s ok to hit. They think if you can do it why can’t they.

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Soap works…when she tells u no.

Sometimes a good spanking is in order. If it’s done on that backside she won’t be worse for the wear. You might even save her some prison time a little later in life

Look up parenting classes in your area. Asking a bunch of keyboard warriors on a mom group won’t give you the unbiased answers you’re needing.

She needs more socializing and family and friends to be on the same page as you.