My Daughter Thinks My Husband Being Strict About Our House Is Abuse: Advice?


"My husband and I are very firm with our four children. We have kids ranging from 10-20 years old. He is very strict when it comes to chores and schedules, which is acceptable to me. If things aren't done completely perfectly, our children often have to redo their chores. (Ex. If the dishes aren't completely done, the counter wasn't wiped off well enough, if drawers are not properly organized, the floor wasn't vacuumed, etc.). Neither of us likes to have a messy home, so my husband and I expect the cleaning to be done each day. They have gotten good enough at doing their part where it is to the point where neither of us really have to do anything in terms of upkeep, and we haven't for the past several years. I do keep up on the laundry and cook some meals. My husband and I both work full time. We have always believed it is good for our children to know how things are done, and we want to instill discipline and responsibility. My husband gets very upset when things aren't done correctly, and often even when they are up to my standards, they don't meet his. He yells quite a bit, and it is not uncommon for him to take out his frustration on our children (verbally). Nothing too extreme, but he will point out when they are lazy or not doing a good enough job with certain tasks. He can get carried away sometimes, to the point where he calls them names and/or takes away their privileges, but he is very blunt, and upfront about his expectations, and still, our children fall short quite often. When they do, I stay out of it as much as possible, and I let their father discipline and correct as needed. We love them very much and provide a good home for them. They have nice phones, pets, and we take family trips quite often. However, our middle child (15) has begun expressing how unhappy she is and has even begun to claim I let her father "abuse" them. She is upset that she has begun working, and we still expect her to do her chores, even though we pay her $80 per month to do them!"

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"I come from a home just like this!! I promise you they will hate you for this! It made me not have a relationship with my mom! Enjoy life a little and calm down!!!"

"It is a little abusive. Kids are not meant to run the house hold and ensure everything is done. Chores are fine, but you are basically making them do your job and your husbands around the house and that is not okay."

"Different perspective. What are you guys going to do when they all move out and your responsible for all the chores in the house. At that point your kids won’t be their to do it for you. Also what your describing is abuse. No child should be called names. Your supposed to be their to bring them up not tear them down. This can and probably will come back and bite you as they get older. Sounds like your husband needs to see a therapist to teach him how to deal."

"Put yourself in their shoes. If your boss at work spoke to you the way he speaks to them, how would you feel, and what would you do? They deserve respect just as an adult does. Consequences and chores, sure! The things you described, not so much."

"Seems to me like she’s starting to understand her time and labor are worth more than a measly $20 a week. She went out and got a job worth her time and energy and you’re mad about it bc you have one less exploited child to take advantage of."

"So they clean and y’all don’t have too!?! Lead by example! I’m all for chores but we do them too! You gave them all of the responsibility! Including yours. Not just their own."

"It's always good to teach responsibility, but they only stay young for so long let them enjoy it. I can see a couple chores like cleaning their rooms and some other basic things. Not scrubbing the whole house so that you don't have to."

"I think you and your husband should take on some of the chores as well. Children aren’t maids. Yes they should have chores but not taking care of the whole home themselves."

"I don’t see anything wrong with chores and responsibilities; however, if your husband doesn’t think it’s good enough he should do them himself. If he is verbally abusing you and your children I think a discussion needs to be had."

"They are children. Not your workers. Give out some love and have some fun instead of policing them. And counseling. Lots of counseling."

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Children are children and should have a childhood. That being said, children also should understand their role in the family and understand that their contribution is important.

If you’ve heard, the family that prays together, stays together, you should know that a family that works together, is strong together. I don’t see anywhere that you are keeping them from having a childhood or imprisoning them. The fact that you pointed out that they know what to do and how to do it tells me that your expectations aren’t over the top. If they NEVER succeeded in completing their chores to your standards, I would worry.

The name calling should stop but I think you have healthy structure otherwise.