My ex doesn't contact me at all about our daughter: Advice?

So my daughter’s father and I haven’t been together since I was 20 weeks pregnant. He’d rather play around and get drunk. He’s 29. I was sick of being his babysitter, and he is drunk all the time. Our daughter is now going to be three months old, and he has only tried to contact me once about her. I was always the one trying to get him involved after I kicked him out to go to appointments and whatnot. He wouldn’t go at all. We now will be going to court trying to fight for full custody. My question is, is he in the wrong for not contacting me about her? Or asked to try and see her. When I kicked him out, his family put in his head, this isn’t his baby, and he told me that. Mind you was never with anyone else when we were together bc I would either be at work or carting his drunk self places. He is now living with a girl he messes with. She’s also a drunk. I’m just afraid they will give him time to see her, and he and his whole family and she will be drunk while they have her. I’ve seen his mom drink while she has her 2-week old grandbaby and eight-year-old granddaughter. I’m afraid if she has one of her crying episodes, he will shake her. This mama is nervous and stressed out reck bc of what she may be exposed too.

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You can ask for regular drug and alcohol testing as part of the deal for him having time with her. If you have proof or can get written letters from people who will testify to his drunken states then get those too! Also, get a good attorney! I’ve seen moms lose custody of their kids because they can’t stay clean! :woman_shrugging:t2:

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Depends on the state you live in. Like Vermont he wouldnt get full custody… he wouldnt even get 50/50… The most he would get is supervised visits bc of the fact that he is a drunk

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Get a good lawyer and find proof that he does drink alot maybe even ask for alcohol/drug testing to the court. If he is a drunk he most likely won’t show up to court anyway.

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As this infants mother… at no point would it be ok to leave your child with him in full alcohol addiction mode. You will never change anyone nor can you force someone to be a parent. You can screw up your child by doing it. Be the best mom you can be, go for child support if you need it for your child. But for the love of God never go back to him. Focus on you and your child. Build from there.

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Get a lawyer, get any proof you can. Maybe see if you can get some type of drug testing done. Ask for supervised visitation. I don’t know if he would get some type of custody or visitation. Might depend on the state and the judge but a lawyer would be best to answer that.

Did he sign her birth certificate? If he doesn’t wanna be around SEEYA!
If he did take him to court with proof, get a good lawyer and have his rights terminated. Screw all that.
Sometimes kids really are not better off with both parents.

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Fight for full custody but also try to get child support (child support and custody are separate orders). Make him get a dna test since he believes it’s not his baby. He’s definitely the one in the wrong not even trying to contact you to see his baby.

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It could be possible to get him for abandonedment but if he shows up and shows a interest in the child they may give him the benefit of the doubt, but you can mention his alcohol use and they may want him to test for that. I was told legally they can’t force one to do these drug tests, but they can use the refusal to your advantage. They may even require his visitation as supervised. This could go many ways and literally depends on him, his attitude, lawyers, perhaps the child should have a guardian ad litem, the judge, and the state you live in.

If drinks all the time better off with out him been there done that and scene and he is older than me and still don’t see hasn’t seen sense between 3&5 alcohol more important and cheating on me and she almost 25 now.

You are absolutely in the right. If he cared, he needs to step up. As far as court goes. You can ask that he be tested for paternity and alcohol. That is in your right as well. Hopefully the judge will see that he is unfit.

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He is in the wrong for not contacting you but he has every right to leave it to the court and avoid contact with you 🤷 i advocate for coparenting 100% but some people are incapable. In colorado they would have you guys hire a child family investigator. The cfi would write up a report to determine the best custody arrangement. I was terrified my ex would take our baby and run away with since he had threatened that before. The court didnt care. Unless your ex completely bombs his cooperation or shows the court/cfi he is unfit he will get some kind of time.
I had to learn to accept that i could not control what happened at daddy’s

He hasn’t been involved and doesn’t sound like he wants to either, I don’t think you have anything to worry about momma!

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Get proof over his drunken behavior. The more you can show to the court that he’s unfit to have custody, the better.

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I’d be honest and express your concerns in court tbh. If he hasn’t tried to go to appointments or be in your child’s life, why are y’all going to court in the first place? I’m just confused bc it doesn’t sound like he has interest in having his daughter. And if you’re worried about him taking care of her properly, don’t reach out to him. It might be hard, but there’s single moms everywhere who find a way for their kids.

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Document everything. And if he doesn’t want to be involved, don’t force him.

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In my experience family courts try to be fair but at the same time the take into effect the child’s well being also. IF they give visitations they’ll probably mandate that he has to do some kind of rehab or something to help with his drinking problem and they’ll start off with supervised visits. But you have the upper hand here because he hasn’t shown any interest at all. They’ll take that into account also. I dont think you have anything to be worried about as far as custody. When you go to court Express every one of your concerns and be stern. That is your baby and you are protecting your child at all cost

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Its wrong for him to not contact you, but thats HIS wrong. Not yours. Make sure you have all these things written down for your attorney and make sure they know how little care and regard he has for the child. Also, that he has questioned paternity. Ask for supervised visits and let them know he drinks and so do those around him. If he doesn’t want to be a father, don’t chase him. It’ll catch up to him eventually. And dont bad mouth him to your daughter. She’ll see him for who he is in time.

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Just go tell the truth. Express your concerns about his drinking and him not being involved with your little girl but DON’T put him down or talk down about him in court.

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Why would you want to force someone to be in your child’s life when they’ve made it clear they don’t want to be?

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Why would he even be interested in visitation I mean he don’t even wanna see his kid take him to court get full custody an raise your kid

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How do we post questions? Sorry off topic

Don’t ever try to force someone to be there that doesn’t want to be.
Hope you get it all worked out but it sounds like it’s best he isn’t around right now.
Maybe if you take him to court and take away what rights he does have (even if he doesn’t use them) it’ll be a wake up call, some people need put in their place… but then again some people simply do not care. Do what’s best for you and your baby and it’ll all work out how it’s meant to :heart: good luck mama

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I would voice your concerns and the lack of attention an interest in the child . and asked for supervised visitations . that he must show up sober for. Get copys of any court proceedings having to do with alcohol related incidents. You can use them to if their are any . I would contact him through email only. Because it’s easier to print those off and use those two as well.

If he’s made no effort at all to be in her life or to help contribute financially and she’s already 3, there’s no way a court wouldn’t grant you full custody and would likely only offer him supervised visits and that’s only if he pushed for it. Hire an attorney and just get the mediation over with so you can move on. Sounds like you both are better off without him

Why would you want a drunk in your daughter’s life? Let him stay away! Then you’ll be able to make it permanent through the courts. Don’t expect some miracle of change in him, He’ll probably stay drunk for another 20 years or forever so make a good life for yourself and your daughter that doesn’t include him. You’ll both be all the better for it.

I’m confused , he filed custody paperwork but didn’t reach out to you directly? :thinking:

If ask for full custody. Ask for him to do parenting classes… And say yes you do want him to have a relationship with his daughter… But because of his addiction you want them to be court supervised visations and not over night. Wnd once he goes thru rehab and betters himself… Then you would be interested only then in revisiting on changing visitations. He should of contacted you. Should hqve been providing support these 3 mths shes been alive. YOU have to keep your personal emotions out of it… But ALWAYS keep in mind what is in childs best interest.

Why do you want some drunk around your kid? Cut your losses.

You & your daughter are better off without him. Take the full custody & don’t look back otherwise he will mess your daughter up emotionally in the long run.

State what’s true on court n judge will give him supervised visitations make him go to rehab to Better his role as father ??

You will get sole custody most likely, but unless he waived his right he is allowed to see her. I’d tell your concerns of the substance abuse to the court and perhaps request supervised visitation. If he doesn’t believe the child is his then he can pay for a DNA test

Get it in writing no alcohol while child is in care . Will be same for you aswell. That’s what I had in my papers with ex through courts .always keep diary with every contact, time, date,things said,visits,calls,etc

Who initiated court proceedings? You have full custody unless the court decides otherwise. I wouldn’t even press it. But since court is already in motion you’re going to need a lawyer. You can ask the judge to make him pay your court fees. Request a full investigation (drug, alcohol testing, mental evaluation, home study etc). He’s going to get some sort of visitation. Since she’s so tiny you could probably get supervised visits, especially if you’re breastfeeding. Document everything. When he calls, when he shows up or doesn’t, his state (drunk, high, sober, angry etc), what he does etc. Have another person with you at all visits. Video tape visits. If he gets unsupervised visits get to know his neighbors. Neighbors see things. Make them aware that she has a caring, loving mom who is scared for her safety. If anything arises you want them to call you &/or the police. I see things my neighbors & kids do. If I knew the other parents I’d be telling them that could get visitation or custody taken from them.

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You absolutely want to show the judge that he’s a drunk & dangerous to have responsibility of a child. But 1 important thing we’ve all been missing is that you don’t want to go to court or mediation acting like you don’t want him around her. A judge is not going to respond in your favor if you’re bashing him. Looking back to my custody hearing last year I never said I didn’t want him around my kids. In fact I was open to it & upset that he hasn’t been in their lives. He’s critise me & id say I wish you were in their lives so they knew who you were, who they are. Yes negative things were brought up. But not directly by me. Ultimately in the end the judge saw that he was manipulative, controling & abusive. It went more in my favor. Actually he got less than I was asking for. Instead of supervised visits he got phone visits. Just remember if all you do is bring up the negative it’s going to make you look bad &, less listened to.

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I wouldn’t even bother with him if was you. Go for full custody and keep a diary of every time he makes an effort. By the sounds of it, it will be a very short diary

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Thanks.

You do not want a drunk in your life or your daughter’s. When he sorts his life out and wants a relationship with her then that will be his job to mend fences. Right now though don’t worry about him. Just enjoy time with your child and know that you have done nothing wrong.