My ex gave my five yo daughter an iPhone. A little back story. We were married for seven years, and he’s was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive. I stayed with him through things I shouldn’t have towards the end I caught him cheating on me with multiple girls, even found his account on a sugar daddy hookup site. I filed for divorce two years ago this august. I’ve tried really hard to have a good co-parenting relationship for the sake of our daughter and did try to reconcile but realized he’d never change. I’ve never kept her from being able to call her dad. If she asked, I would FaceTime him and hand her my phone. Then one day, he decides to get her an iPhone. I told him I really didn’t think it was appropriate given her age. Of course, I caved and let her have it. At first, she never called him I didn’t force her to do anything she didn’t want to. So he would call her and act sad asking why doesn’t she call and he’s so sad and lonely. But two weekends ago she came back VERY different. Constantly calling, saying she HAD to call her dad. She’s never done that. The past two weeks, he’s been texting her pictures of himself, them together, videos of himself. I feel he’s abusing power I gave him, and I want to tell him to keep the phone at his house as it is his property and they can talk through my phone. Advice please?!
Tough call. My kids didn’t get cell phones until they were in junior high school. 5 is far too young in my opinion. It’s definitely sounds like a control issue with him. First trying to manipulate her with being sad that she doesn’t call him and now forcing her to.
5 is super young for that kind of decision making skills. I would say he had to use your phone. He may just be trying to track her. Or have it so you can’t monitor what is being said
Okay, my first thought would be if he abused her in any way physically or sexually while she was there last 
most kids that age will not tell you, especially if it has to do with a family member.
Court.
I have a friend in a very similar situation and she got most of the s
Custody and he has to schedule calls with YOU and YOU are the parent in charge.
A 5 year old does not need a phone
But it you want you can and should time limit the phone and have a passcode only you know
Your ex is an idiot.
This is very odd honestly
5 is young but if he’s not a good person as u say then she can use that phone to call you or text you in an emergency if hes abusive to herbin any way and u can say…have a code word for if shes hurt or scared or needs help so u can use this to your advantage …most divorced couples have phone time put into parenting plans where I live is that a possibility so say when she’s with you he can only call her once a day at 6 pm for example I live in nh and you can literally have that as part of your parenting plan and it become a court order so if he does use it too much or as a power thing it woukd be breaking a court order so…
Put the phone away when she’s at your house, you’re the boss in your home.
I agree with you. If he wants her being able to contact him he should get her a watch that she can simply call him any time. I don’t think kids that young should have phones. And I’d look into what made her change to being obsessive with it. Also agree with if she does keep the phone to have it set in the agreement for so much time a day. And when she’s not on a call with him it should be put away til she goes back to his house
Wtf no you gave her the phone, this is what comes with that. God forbid he’s said something to make her want to call him?!! Why do you immediately think it’s something sinister ? You sound like you were waiting for ANYTHING to come up to complain about, because this is a BIG reach!
I would tell her dad the phone stays at his house when she’s with you. If he don’t like it tell him to shove that phone up his ass and take it to court. I’m sure the judge would side with you and tell him to keep that phone
The phone needs to remain at his house and not travel between households. At five years old she doesn’t need her own phone and it seems to be causing a disruption in her regular routine. He can maintain contact with her while in your care through your phone as he has done before.
Um what. Abusing the power you gave him?
Hes her dad. He has as much right as you do to see, speak and send her photos of her life with him…
Omgosh, I don’t mean to sound intrusive or anything but you have to talk to your daughter seriously, my daughter’s dad molested my daughter when she was 5 years old:broken_heart:
, this sounds way too similar to me from a situation I was in. God forbid he isn’t doing that to her!
5 is too young for a phone. If he wants her to use the phone schedule a time that you give it to her to call him. After the call is over put the phone away. If she is carrying that phone he can also track its location.
Regardless of the caving etc. she’s beyond too young to have a cell phone, if she brings it back with her shut it off or place it out of sight and he can call you to speak with her or have the phone out during designated call times.
Take her to a child therapist if she doesn’t want to open up to you.
Tell him to keep the phone at his house. You can’t do anything about that when it’s his time with her, but if you have a problem with the phone, don’t let her have it at your house. Just try to explain it to her that you want her playing outside and playing with her toys and not on a phone all the time. That behavior is very weird, yes, but I honestly wouldn’t know how to go about it without making it seem like he threatened her (and it’s very possible he did, if he abused you).
So her dad wanted a way to talk to her without having to deal with you? How horrible 
Take it from her unless she wants to talk to him or call him
It’s not the CHILDS responsibility to call the absent parent. It’s the absent parents responsibiluty to contact child.
A 5 yr old does not need a phone…
Sounds manipulataive for one…5 is really young…my daughter is 10 and she doesnt even have a phone yet! Id have her keep her phone at her dads and if he needs to he can go through your phone.
Asking him to keep the phone at his house for when she’s there is the perfect fair solution I think. It sounds kinda weird in my opinion he’s making the phone all about himself with her??
Your house your rules, she can talk to him on your phone. She’s a little baby still. That is not age appropriate.
Wow 
omg the dad talked to her about how important it is for him to be able to talk to HIS child 
the horror!!!
I gifted my 5 year old niece and 2 year old daughter iPhones. They’ve had them for over a year. It’s good to have an open line of communication between her and her father but if you feel uncomfortable about it, tell him that and give the phone back. You are the primary parent. You call the shots
I would say that you guys can have a call schedule and stay near her during the call. I would tell him that your worried about her damaging the phone and you being responsible for replacing it since it’s at your house. We don’t get phone in our house until after age 10
take the phone away. send phone with her when she goes to his house. ur house ur rules. he wanta to talk to her he can call ur phone. a 5yr doesn need a cell phone 
Abusing what power? She is his daughter. Get your head out of the gutter. You accepted the phone knowing it was not age appropriate. So what you need to do now is take it from your daughter and be done with it or just be present when conversations take place.
My 4 year old has an iPhone 6. We can’t get internet where we live so it’s easier for him to watch his kids YouTube and stuff without us having to use a hotspot and all that. I monitor his phone and make sure there’s nothing there that’s not supposed to be and only me and his dad are programmed in his phone. He knows not to call anyone but us. It’s completely up to you. But i feel like as long as they’re not on it 24/7 then it’s fine.
Him making her feel bad for not calling is very manipulative and like you said, abusing power. He is the parent and needs to call her. 100% not her responsibility. I would keep the phone unless it’s a time for her to call him. Or he keeps it at his place. Make sure to let her know you are there to listen if she needs to talk to you about anything or her feelings. Best of luck Mama! 
You need a parenting consultant… or a mediator because just from my end I feel the manipulation coming from his end to the pointbthe a 5 yearvold is having to worry and call and take and send pictures… that is not normal behavior for a 5 year old nor it should be. It is and can and could get worse in used as a manipulation tool… and cause anxiety totally uncalled for and inappropriate for her age and really just causes stress all around. Does he give a reason why she can not be using yours… I think for a 5 year old to have a parent monitoring things like this is fair game.
My boyfriend and I both have a 5 year old. His girls mom got her a cell phone. My son does not have one and won’t. He asks why he doesn’t have one though and I always say if she lived with only us full time she wouldn’t have one. Everyone does parent different but I think 5 is wayyyyyyy too young. But besides that these are my thoughts…
I personally wouldn’t make him talk thru my phone, but I’d say when the phone is at my house she’s not going to be carrying it around and not refusing to live without it like most humans and their cell phones. So call when you want but it doesn’t mean she will have it. Let him do what he wants at his house with it and stick your ground with your thoughts on cell phone use at your house.
Second, sounds like he likes to play mind games. And now thinking about your post again you said he was abusive, so he’s definitely playing mind games. He knows you’re all up in that phone looking at his pics or messages he’s sending. Don’t let that happen. He’s just trying to keep you attached. I’d bet a lot on that. Don’t look at them unless you feel you should screen every once in a while for whatever reason.
Also, I bet you HAVE tried really hard to have a co-parenting relationship. If both aren’t trying it won’t happen, so focus your energy and rebuilding your life still. Takes a lot of time. I was with my ex husband 13 years. Married for 2. He left one day to meet his boss when our son was 3 months old. Took our car. I was on maternity leave. He never came back. Same back story as you minus the physical part of it. He tried to play and keep me attached for a long time after that. Our son is almost 6 and I’m so thankful that I stopped entertaining his shit. But, I stopped just around the point you’re at now. Took a long and hard time. If you read your concern as an outsider he’s clearly still driven to abuse you.
I wish you the best!! 
I’d be the best damn co-parenter ever if the baby daddy wanted to be a parent. All of this could end up really unhealthy for your daughter, so I’d be more concerned with his behavior that she’s watching and she has gotten kind of obsessed with than how she FaceTimes him. But along with that if he’s decent and this is petty but you believe he’s a good dad, then be thankful he’s there and wants to be. No ones perfect and I wish my son knew who his dad was
Children should not have phones! Period. Whether he wants to talk to her without going thru the mother thats 100% irrelevant. SHES 5!!
You already agreed to let her have the phone, can’t be mad now just because she is contacting her father frequently…
My grandchildren had phone at an early age there parents live separately so its a way to communicate with out going thru the x
You didn’t GIVE HIM POWER. You made it to where they can keep in touch more. My son has had an iPad since he was less than 2. When I got divorced, I upgraded his iPad to have data…he could do everything on that pad an iPhone could do…his 6th birthday he got an iPhone 8 from me. He recently upgraded to an 11. He has full access to his phone. I check it every single night to make sure there’s nothing inappropriate on it. He can talk to anyone that is in his contact list. Same with his Apple Watch…he has access to communicate with his dad whenever he wants and it’s made things easier for me. His 3 year old brother has an iPad too but it stays with me when he is gone bc he doesn’t need one yet.
He is her father…you didn’t allow him to do anything. He has rights just like you do
Just a heads up Share your location with your family - Apple Support if activated he knows where you are at all times
Supervised phone calls at designated times.
I think that’s reasonable or have reasonable times like after supper if chores and homework are done. Its important to teach responsibility with phones and screen time. And be aware that spy ware might be on that phone
Tell that narcissistic man to keep his phone at his house. Nope. Def not.
5 year old
Has no business with an iPhone. Sorry
Take the phone to a shady place and see what he does because it sounds like he’s tracking her
Let her have it you trying to cause more problems
Well done mumma, you’ve got through hell, and haven’t used your daughter against this vile man. It’s sounds like he is now trying to control her, in the same way he did to you. Stay strong and do what you feel is right for your daughter’s welfare.
You gave him power? For being her father???
So, let me tell you the story of my ex and his daughters mom and this might help you with your decision making. Her mom had primary custody of her which was cool. We were not happy about her mom giving her a cellphone because she was 8 when her mother gave it to her and we felt that was too young but, she was only to use it for her mom to be able to make sure she got on her bus and for emergencies and to call either her mom, dad, stepdad, myself, or grandparents. It was all cool until her mom got mad at us because she wanted to move out of state. It then became a tool to control her daughter. The mom told the daughter she had to answer all her mothers calls while she was at our house, was constantly texting her and making up reasons WHY her daughter had to text her during the TWO DAYS my ex got with his daughter. Her mother began using it as a tool to track our every move via a family tracking app. Not a big deal because we had nothing to hide but because she was using it to be snotty towards us and make snide comments to her daughter over it it became insulting. Her mom then told her daughter if she didn’t comply she would take her phone away. Conveniently all phone punishments only occurred when the daughter was back in HER custody so she either couldn’t call us or was “too busy.” I have to say that REALLY hurt because the kiddo used to call me every day after school for about 10 minutes. Her mom banned her daughter from adding us on any of the apps but only allowed her daughter to message her and all “mother approved friends.” Of course we didn’t want to be the ones making it seem like we were going to restrict the daughter from having contact with her mom and further straining things so we let this go on until she was almost 12. Oh the final straw was when the mom told her daughter was not allowed to give her dad the passcode and if he had a problem with it to see her. It was so stressful and ridiculous because her dad was just checking on his daughters doings like a responsible parent! So there is my insight to what you may have to look forward to. It’s stressful enough without electronics to keep the peace between a sneaky controlling “other” parent. I say that as the then future step mom AND as having been a child of divorced parents. My childhood wasn’t as stressful but I can tell you being in the middle of stuff on a much smaller scale was a hassle. In this day and age it’s a tough call because all the kids friends have phones. I hope things work out for you.
So…she was allowed by BOTH of you to have the phone to stay in contact with her father and now that she is using it for it’s intended purpose you have a problem?
You have the power when ur childs in ur house shes 5. We let wifi n youtube an educational apps… Not texting n calling.
Tell him he can keep the phone at his house. If child need to call she can use ur phone.
Been in you situation with your circumstances at just a year older for my daughter. I was pissed. Didnt let her see it. Told her she was too young for a phone with cell service amd she could call her dad anytime using my phone. Thank god I did. Went through the phone and my ex (been divorced several years) forgot to delete the messages sent to his “girlfriend” (she was having an affair on her husband and the phone given to my daughter was a burner phone). She never challenged me on it and 5 yrs later she has her own cell (under my plan) only because before i started working from home in march she was here after school for an hour by herself
You’re asking for peoples thoughts about if your child is too young for a phone … what does that have to do with him cheating and all this other stuff you’ve mentioned ??? I just don’t see why that’s necessary to bring up when you’re asking about a phone
Stop letting your own issues with the other parent effect a child and parents relationship. Him cheating is an issue between you two and doesn’t need to bought up in a question of if it’s appropriate for her to have a phone
Also if a parent wants to stay in contact with their child and wants to make sure their child always has a way to contact them if needed what is the big deal ?
You absolutely do NOT have to allow her to have the phone he gave her so long as she’s in your care. He has a contact through you just like anyone else who wants To communicate with your child during your time spent with her. You have a right to turn it off and leave it off until his visitation. I wouldn’t want it on anyhow being you said your past with him was abusive… he may have a tracker on the phone, and excuse it as his property so he has the right. Not cool.
5 years old is way to young to have a phone. Personally I know how hard it is to tell people no. So don’t beat your self up for not saying it first. You can only change the future. I would schedule calls. The child needs to have consistency in her life. Also if he is tracking the phone that would be a big no no in my book.
My kids NEVER had a phone if they talked to their dad it was on speaker… yes I always supervised… I didn’t trust him, cuz people will put stuff in kids heads or make plans w/o my knowledge… Nope Not gonna happen… Yes I was very protective over my kids…
I would check all the settings on it first, and put parental controls on including the times . Have it on do not disturb. Make sure locations are off. Stays plugged in in kitchen.
It could “accidentally “ break too. Whoops
abuse take her to a councilor to find out whats going on over there and remove his visitation if needed.
My 5 year old has a phone. He talks to his dad when he wants to. Sometimes he wants to other times he ignores his calls. He does me the same way when with his dad. Sometimes you don’t want to talk to someone, our kids are no different.
Just put the phone up when she’s in your care. Let her know if she wants to call her dad to let you know and you’ll give her the phone and then when she’s done on the phone, you put it back up.
Reminds me of my ex. He’s tracking the device. Also making her feel guilty (bad girl) for not calling (mommy must not want you to call me). Will just get worse with time. Give the phone back to him or tell him that the phone will stay at your house at all times and she can call him on it every night at (gove time) 8pm to say goodnight. Tell him nice try but you are not comfotable taking it anywhere with a the tracking software out yhere.
Well I would’ve agreed with you but you already let her have it. I wouldn’t take it away now. The newness of it will wear off and it won’t be such a problem anymore. Just let her know that she can call him when she wants to, and not because he said she had to! Good luck!
What if the situation was reversed… how would you feel 
Pictures like what? Not inappropriate pictures im assuming. Both my 6 and 10 year old have phones. Theyre damn near free on our plan. Im broken up w their dad and he does text them a little bit. I think texting is helping my 6yo read and spell better honestly. Dad has open access to his children and he should unless there’s a real reason he shouldn’t. He gets regular goodnight or good morning texts or calls and I dont have to interact w him doing so. I like it.
Too young…i hated giving in when mine was 13, but she was in sports and had to stay after school
Put it up in a closet and when he asks about it just tell him “I told you I wasn’t comfortable with her having it in the first place. I’m putting my foot down about it. If you want it back I can give it to you. If not it will be in the closet and you can call her off my phone like any other normal child at 5 years old.” 
And like someone else mentioned. I’d be worried he was just using it to track her. And keep the control he thinks he has.
I would politely give it back and continue letting her call from your phone. He might be tracking you through the phone.
My ex did the exactly same thing,and now we’re in quarantine he asked why hasn’t our son called him,as if a child is the responsible one to keep a relationship…anyway, since day one he gave our son a phone i told him, i was against it, but i wouldn’t be the mean character in the story,cause i knew that’s what he wanted, for me to take the phone away and be the evil one, i just told him the phone would be on one hour a day if he had behaved and I’ll let him know when he can call, since my house my rules. Step foot on it!
Way to young for a phone. Give it back or put it up, all contact should be through you til 16 or 18…
Take her to the playground… Let her run around with the phone… Oops… Phone fell and broke
Turn find my iPhone off and make sure there are no added apps on the phone. I would take the phone away and say call at a certain time.
There’s an app called ourpact that can monitor the device from your device and you can control it remotely (turn it off with ) i highly suggest it .
I’d also wipe the phone to make sure it “starts fresh” as my ex did this and he had pre installed tracking and listening apps. I know it sounds paranoid but better safe then sorry
Way too young ! Let her be her age - playing outside etc. I’d take it away and if he wants to talk or vice versa I’d do it from your phone. If he was that manipulative with you & he’s obviously doing it with your daughter put your foot down & stick to your guns !
Shes 5. Take the phone away.
I dont know if anyone mentioned it but the one concern I have is if he is tracking the phone when u two go places etc. Other then that it seems like a dad who wants to communicate with his daughter and as long as she hasn’t changed (other then her wanting to call him) I wouldnt worry.
Amend your parenting plan to set rules for times he can contact her on the phone
My first thought when you mentioned emotional abuse & gave your daughter a phone is that he’s tracking YOU. If he guilts your daughter into needing to call him constantly then he has manipulated her into unknowingly helping him track you. I would take the phone away & turn it off. Maybe even reset it to factory settings to get rid of any tracking apps he’s added. Let her call him when she asks like you did before.
Ok… You didn’t GIVE him power, it’s his kid also and you agreed to let her have the phone. You both sound like fucking control freaks and I feel sorry for your daughter and the situation she is stuck in the middle of.
I was in this same type of relationship. I hope nothing but the best for you and your kiddo. My 4, 5 and 6 year old all have iPhones. I purchased them. Their dad didn’t get the number until a few weeks ago and I was SUPER nervous. He started out calling and texting non stop, then it Dissipated not long after as I came unglued. He would call them all hours of the day or night regardless of other obligations or routine. He did these things purposefully. I drew a line and gave him times he could call and text. I also warned him that if he can not respect the rules I would block his number. He now calls once every couple weeks. But my ex is a dumb ass who only “cares” about his children when it’s convenient for HIM.
Far too young in my opinion! Anyone can get hold of her now, its scary. As you said, if he wants to talk to her she can use your phone. Sounds like hes being manipulative, especially since you said no in the first place.
Only allow phone on certain hrs thro day
My step son is 9 and he has a expensive phone from his mom but we make him leave it over at her house. And he has a flip phone with us. He isn’t responsible to have a more better phone. Once he can show he can do things without being told he can get a better one his next bday. I would just do what you feel is right for you and your daughter.
Sort her seeing a therapist. Also try posting on a abused victim page as you will not get the same response as abuse vistims see the signs alot quicker that this is manipulation and control over both of you. Please get on the groups as you do need proper support
I would definitely give the phone back
You said hes abusive. Is he being abusive towards her now? Threatening to hurt himself to scare her or aome other type of emotional or verbal or even physical that shes hiding
Children should not be responsible for their parents feelings, hes emotionally blackmailing her by saying hes sad when she doesnt call, if the phones at yours turn it off and put it away or keep it at his
My nine year old has had a phone for 2 years now never had a problem it’s so she can contact me when she’s at dads. It is ur responsibility to monitor the phone being her parent and if u are thoroughly checking the phone what’s the problem ?obviously turn off location, put parental controls on, age appropriate apps.
I think ur just being picky with this post because as u said u already gave in and gave her it so why post ?
5 is just way to young something sounds off investigate it and dont let him abuse power hes being controlling trying to force her to have a good father daughter relationship you cant buy a childs love so just sit and talk to her
Honestly kids can be bought shoot dangle something shiney infront of them and they will run to it be careful because it could be a way to track what your doing or going if your at home out shopping if you feel something is up then something is up trust your gut as a momma it’s your job to investigate and take control of your child
Honestly, I think she’s way too young to have a phone… in our home the rule is 13, that’s usually when they are in middle school and have sports or extra curricular activities.
He’s probably tracking u thru her phone … at the very least ! No phone for a 5 year old !
Turn that phone off and tell him to contact her through your phone, period.
Daddy Or No Daddy Something Juat Ain’t Right You Need To Give Him This Phone Back And Sit Down&Talk To Your Daughter Asap Kinda Fiahy
I went through something similar. My kids are 9 and 7. I kept the phones for a little bit but didn’t feel comfortable that they could call and text anyone at anytime. Also the fact that if anything happened to the phones while they were with me, I didn’t want that responsibility. I have never or ever will kept them from talking to their dad. I ended up sending the phones back to their dads house and told him they can stay down there and my reasons why. It didn’t go over too well, but it was what was right for my house.
The fact that you posted this question answers your own question.
If it don’t feel right, it’s not right!
Is his name harold lucambio sounds exactly like my x I’m
Not kidding
Yea, a iPhone for a 5 year old. I don’t think so. I would have already shattered that phone and been like “oops🤷🏻♀️.”
In many households, phones are put away after a certain time. Just turn it off except for a certain period of time, maybe 4-6 pm ( or a couple of hours when he is not at work.
In my opinion 5 is to young.
If she’s acting different. Take the phone and trun it off. Or set a schedule with her on when she can and can’t have the phone.
Ultimately you need to take back control of your home, and this issue.
A five year old is not responsible enough for a phone. If he thinks it’s such a great idea, he can leave it at his house. If that’s not an option, I would leave it at home and keep it turned off. If he wants to reach her so bad, he can call or ask to come over. What rules you have at your house are none of his damn business and he has no say in. Just like when she is at his. So turn it off and put it away. He’s training her to disconnect from one parent and give the other all her attention to whoever buys her gifts she’s not ready for. If she starts this early having that phone in her hand all day every day, she’s gonna be like this millennial generation where they live on them and can’t put them down long enough to have a normal conversation. It also seems like he did it to cut you out of the equation which is a problem all in itself. How are you supposed to coparent with someone who sees you as a problem and rather than talking it through decides to circumvent you all together. That’s a bullshit move and absolutely needs to be addressed. This decision should been made together because it affects both of you. That’s what coparenting IS. Don’t be afraid to put your foot down, mama!
Tell him he can call her anytime during set hours. If he wants her to have phone it stays at his house. He is using it to track your locations and movements.
I was in the same boat almost exactly but for 18 years. My 2nd and 3rd kids came back with cellphones after a visit with their dad and I didn’t agree to it. I went off on him bc I didn’t think they were responsible enough to have them yet and he didn’t even talk to me about it. I TRIED so hard to be a good co-parent but he was always trying to brainwash the kids into thinking it was my fault, that I broke up the family. Of course, they’d always come home upset in one way or another. It’s so hard, so i totally feel you! Anyway, so since he didn’t take them back I took them away and locked them in a drawer letting the kids know they could continue to use the house phone to talk to him or mine if they wanted to facetime. After a while he just took them back.