My ex husband texts me almost daily

He is very calculated and very hard to deal with. We do not have a good relationship and the less I have to communicate the better i am. He has full access to what’s happening when the children are with me but I do not get the same courtesy when they’re with him. He just started using my past texts that he saved from years ago to bring back up and throw in my face. I have told him multiple times that I don’t feel comfortable texting and would rather communicate about the kids via telephone calls instead. He says he “wants a written record of conversations” I don’t feel like I have to do this. The only thing about communication that is written in my divorce decree is that “the children shall be allowed telephone access to each parent at reasonable times.” They’re 7 and 4 years old. I’ve never denied him a FaceTime or call even when he asks at inconvenient times. If anyone’s been through something similar I’d appreciate any tips or advice.

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My ex husband texts me almost daily

I understand the text. We only text my husband’s ex. Because she’s narcissistic and manipulative. We have to have record of conversations which are now being used in court. Since she kidnapped my stepson off of our porch. We have full legal custody she has visitation. Without those messages we would be screwed right now. It’s smarter for both sides. But you shouldn’t have to communicate with him everyday. Just don’t respond if it doesn’t have to do with the kids.

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My advice would be to talk only what has to be discussed about the children. Nothing else ever. My ex does the same thing, brings up past things said in trying to upset me. Past is the past. My ex is very narcissistic and a total manipulator. It’s hard to deal with, but never give into his tactics. Text is good for both parties, but only about the kids.

He’s insecure keep doing what your doing

When he starts texting and asking about them, I would pass the phone to the 4 year old and let her respond lol. You said they have to have access to a phone to communicate with him right? Not that you have to be the middle man. So if he wants real conversation he can call them and speak. Or he can communicate through text to the best of their ability.
If I decided to answer anything myself, it would be a one word answer to direct questions only, and that would be about an hour later. I would not be at his beck and call to go through every detail of our day.

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Reply with I told you I will talk by phone calls. I will not reply to any further texts.

It’s best to have all conversations via text. Simply don’t respond to him unless it’s about the children. Short, courteous answers to his questions. Don’t initiate any conversation you don’t have to.

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It is safer for both sides to abide by text. That is a clear record of conversations. He can’t say you said something that you didn’t and vice versa. For your kids sake, communicate by text.

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Only text him when it’s necessary or about the children. He doesn’t need to know what the kids are doing with you 24 seven he just sounds like a toxic narcissist

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Stop texting him back

The biggest thing I’ve learned is avoidance. The more he texts the more stress you feel and it’s important you lower your stress, it will help you talk with him when necessary. It is ok to ignore his texts and he does not need to know everything you are doing with the kids on your time. The more I talked to my ex the more upset or angry or consuming it was for me and that’s not ok. When he texts you, you may either avoid his questions to a better suited time or ignore them all together if you feel that it is not necessary to answer. You do not have to talk to him every day. Texts are best as they are recorded and if needed a judge could see that it sounds like he could be harassing you. So my biggest suggestion is avoid the unnecessary amd don’t even answer unless it’s important, and make your answers brief and to the point. The more you reinforce his behavior by answering the more he will try and do it. Only talk when necessary and you don’t have to answer all his messages.

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Dont reply. Dont entertain it. Hes harrassing you in my opinion 🤷🏼‍♀

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Sounds controlling, you don’t need to give him the scoop about everything. Texting is actually better, so you can think before you message. Stick to your guns, set boundaries…easier said than done my ex is similar in this regard, but worth your sanity

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He is a narcissist person and will use anything he can against you

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Set up strong boundaries and stick to them. Phone calls maybe once in the morning and before the kids go to bed or maybe once a day. Don’t give him access to your personal life. If you do that then he will feel like he still has control over you.

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If your civil on your part , then what’s the big deal about text. Sounds to me your not civil and he wants proof.

Texting is a good idea, that way there is record. There are several apps as well you could use some even offer a text editor that can proof read before they send the message to make sure none of it is derogatory, maybe try that if he can’t stay on point.

Stop replying :woman_shrugging:t3: if he constantly blows your phone up, that’s harassment. I know people who’ve had to have group chats with a mediator and their BM/BD that way the other person couldn’t just blow up their phone as a control power move

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I would do texting over phone calls, then you both have records of it. Dealing with this is draining!

Smart man. I have an ex-wife like you too!

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Stop texting back. There are comparenting court approved apps that you can use if need be so that texting isn’t an option.

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Don’t reply to anything that’s not about the kids. Keep it to well being only. If he texts you anything else don’t reply

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Texting is actually better, I am the same. But if it has nothing to do with the kids don’t reply. Like everything through text. But you don’t need to give him a full run down of your life with the kids and that I would stop.

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To be honest text messages are the best way so you have proof of what he’s doing. Also it not his business what you do on your parenting time. The only thing you need to communicate on his homework and medical.Set better boundaries. If it’s not pertaining to the children do not engage in a conversation. Stop letting him control you. If he bring up the past don’t answer him.

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Well they all have dates on them, he can’t use your past against you in court…

Texting is better anyway. You’re not required to answer him or even check your phone until you are good and ready. When he sends something unrelated to the kids you do not respond to it, or only respond with information about the kids. “The kids had a great day today. We went to the park and cleaned the playroom. They are looking forward to seeing you tomorrow at the 1:00 pm pickup.” That’s it. He may ramp up his shenanigans at first but if you remain calm and only converse about the kids eventually he will stop. There is no tug of war game if you drop the rope and don’t play. Remember your new rule. Make it your Home Screen if necessary KIDS ONLY!!!

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As everyone else said, don’t reply unless it pertains towards the children. Only communicate as needed information. Block the rest. You do not have to tell him what you are doing on your time. If he asks you I would ignore or just stare that you do not have to answer that and he can talk to the kids at his designated times. All future texts will be ignored. If he doesn’t allow you the communication times as allowed in your parenting and visitation agreement can you take him back to court? Or maybe give your oldest child a cell phone that they use to communicate with you when they are at their dads?

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It’s all about manipulation and control. If you stop responding to everything other than stuff to do with the kids, life becomes much easier. He will continue, call you everything horrible and make you feel in the wrong. Stay strong, do your best to not allow his moods to effect yours. It gets easier as long as you stick to it.

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Idk but it IS a smart thing to have written records of y’alls communication. My fiances baby mama wouldnt text either because she didnt want her shitty attitude and all the crap she pulled to be used as evidence of her being a bitch. So I dont see why texts arnt ok with you if its about the kids…if its not, dont reply to it. But if the communication is about the kids, I think its petty of YOU to only want phone calls. It could help either of yall in the future. 💁

Do unto others… if you allow access to them when they’re with you but he does not, stop it on your end. Also, don’t communicate with him at all, unless it’s directly about the children. Follow the divorce/custody/ visitation agreement as it is. If he wants it changed, he can go back to court for modification. Sounds to me like he is trying to hold some kind of control over you. Don’t allow that.

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No no no he’s right! You absolutely want a record of all communication. Talk to him as if a judge is watching. If you push this and get what you want you will screw yourself. Play his game back. I’m dead ass serious talk to him like a judge will read each and every text, because he certainly plans on showing them. He’ll probably just record phone calls and voice-mails anyway. He’s telling you what his plan is, and it feels and looks like you’re playing right into it.

and ONLY answer things that directly have to do with the kids. If it’s not about the kids and shit for them in the present then no answer. Also you are not legally obligated to give him a play by play of what happens in your parenting time. If he wants to play legalities I say play them. He fully intends on making you look as bad as possible so he can take the children. Many mothers have lost their kids this way. Start taking it seriously before your next post is asking us how to get them back.

Stop replying. Unless it has to do with the children you’re not obligated to reply.

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It’s better for you to go through Email, text, or a court appointed app. This will help you for documentation purposes as well as covering your butt. It sounds like you may need to go back and revise your parenting plan to include method of communication with you and they must only be about visitation or decision making with your child. Also set boundaries about when he can communicate with the kids. Set times help. If he is high conflict over FaceTime or zoom, ask the court that they be recorded. It’s best to have boundaries with these types of guys and have everything written in stone. They tend to find a lot of the grey areas and try to get away with things and use stuff against you. Look up “yellow rock” and “grey rock” for communicating with these narcs or high conflict people. Lots of good channels on YouTube and groups for moms dealing with these guys.

You know what I did when my ex husband tried doing that?? I blocked him, it’s like putting a kid in time out.

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Texting is better. But don’t reply if it has nothing to do with kids. May want to document the FaceTime calls when the time is not appropriate.

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Get family wizard it’s a messaging system through court and stop replying to messages that don’t pertain to your children.

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You just have to ignore him. Do not engage at all unless it’s about the kids. As far as through text, trust me, you want it that way to. It’s always best to have a record of everything.

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Ask for court app were the judge and lawyers see messages

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Don’t respond when the kids are with you, just let them talk to him when they want to & only communicate with him in an emergency or when you’re meeting to pick up kids.

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Keep texting that way YOU have proof of him blowing up your phone and or harassment. Do not respond to anything unless it’s about the children and then be short and to the point.

I personally prefer texts cause as he said it’s a legal record of communication. Its why I have full custody of my son.

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I will only text my hard to deal with ex as then I can’t be threatened or intimidated otherwise he’d be arrested. Best to have a written record of communication to keep you both safe

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You need to keep things in text. Don’t do phone calls. But you can always stop replying to his text messages when they get unreasonable. Only respond if the messages are directly about the children

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He’s right, having a record of your conversations is important. However, you are right and you only have to converse about the kids. You can say something like “as always, you can call at any reasonable time and speak to the kids, we do not need to text, or speak if it’s not regarding the kids. I will always inform you of any information you must know. If you continue to harass me, and try to start arguments I will not reply. If it continues I will go to court and have you charged with harassment. I’d rather not go that route, as I would like to keep our co-parenting relationship as free of drama as possible”

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I absolutely agree with him about having text or email records of everything you say to each other!

You do not have to respond to his texts.

Like I tell my son…

When you refuse to engage they will eventually stop because they only do it to get to ya.

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I have the same issue. I reply only when necessary

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It’s standard op to communicate through text or email whenever possible so there are records of all conversations…the only time a party is against this is when they want to hide what is said

Stop catering to this nonsense. If he wants a WrItTeN ReCoRd, then tell him to record the phone calls. You don’t owe him shit. Do not text about ANYTHING other than the kids. Do not respond to any bs. You do not have to. You are NOT a door mat and no longer has control over you.

Written communication is better. If you,
ever end up in court, you’ll be grateful. And feel yes… Your need proof to back up everything your say and do because people are petty and dudes be bitches when they don’t get their way.

As for communication being open… Personally, he would have no more access during my time than you get on his time. Secondly, set a schedule and stick to it as close as possible.

What if you start dating and he’s calling at random times… Not only is your new person going to become resentful of that shit, it could cause them to question their importance to you. Things end… Done people can be friends… Some cannot. And my experience tells me that anyone who has rules for everyone that doesn’t apply to them… That’s some classic narcisistic behavior. Goose, meet gander. Gander, Merry house. What’s good for one is good for the other.

He has the right to have everything written down…and it might be better for you in the long run. You can’t prove what’s been said in phone calls unless they’re recorded. Texting you can prove. And if I were you, I’d ignore all messages unless they are directly about the children.

Actually text messaging is better than phone calls. My lawyer told me to have texts and everything and even record our phone calls.

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I agree with the others that having written records of conversations is best. Especially if he’s being unreasonable and borderline harassing. I’d recommend a coparenting app over standard text though, such as Talking Parents. There’s a premium edition but the basic is free. It keeps an archive of all communication and there is no way to delete or edit messages once they’ve been sent. This eliminates the he said/she said or any doubts of tampering in case those messages are needed in the future for legal purposes. It’s also more convenient than text because there’s an option to print the conversations in case they’re needed for court.

I agree communication between 2 of you should be via text so u both have proof of eachs others comments. As for kids themselves then yes phone call would be better