How do you mommas of preteens deal with the father of kids? My ex is giving my girls (12yo) a bit of a hard time with not wanting to go there on the weekends. He just got back from working outta town so I get his feelings in that regard but it’s hard on the kids when he almost guilty them
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We have 3 girls(11,14,16)My ex and I have decided on a “as they want” basis. It works best for us. Random dinners during the week, some will decide they want to go for the weekend and one might decide they want to stay home. They work it out with him on when they want to come and there is No more forcing and a whole less drama for everyone. We had done the forcing them to go route for a long time and he could visibly see they didn’t want to be there and the weekend was miserable knowing they would rather be elsewhere. They love their dad and he loves them and knowing that they are not little anymore and have social lives and want to live normal schedules where they can make plans on any weekend to do sleepovers, etc. and not have to clear it with dad first has changed the dynamic of our relationships for the best. This is coparenting at its finest.
It’s important they see him. When we got to our teens my dad would also take us out to eat once a week on Wednesdays to catch up and we would come see him any weekend we wanted.
I am a firm believer that as long as safe, children need to be pushed out of their comfort zone. They should be encouraged to go and told that’s what they are doing.
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So invite him over to your house to visit with them until they feel comfortable to go with him
Conversations must be had
We have 3 girls(11,14,16)My ex and I have decided on a “as they want” basis. It works best for us. Random dinners during the week, some will decide they want to go for the weekend and one might decide they want to stay home. They work it out with him on when they want to come and there is No more forcing and a whole less drama for everyone. We had done the forcing them to go route for a long time and he could visibly see they didn’t want to be there and the weekend was miserable knowing they would rather be elsewhere. They love their dad and he loves them and knowing that they are not little anymore and have social lives and want to live normal schedules where they can make plans on any weekend to do sleepovers, etc. and not have to clear it with dad first has changed the dynamic of our relationships for the best. This is coparenting at its finest.
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As a child of a well-functioning split home; if he’s a good dad, find out why she doesn’t want to go to consider future adjustments, but make her go. At that age I’d sometimes put up a fuss if there was a sleepover I might miss, or a friend I wanted to ask to stay over, etc. It could be that simple, or something similar that you could all work together to find a solution for.
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Pre teens and teens are going thru their own adjustments in life. Keep a strong communication open with them. Find out why they don’t want to visit. And an alternative maybe just spend time with Dad for a day just to keep the bond
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I wouldn’t allow my daughter to avoid her Dad in our home & I wouldn’t allow it if we split up. Girls need their Dads more than they know. Dads are not given the credit they deserve, she doesn’t even know how blessed she is to have a Dad who wants to see her. My husband works on the road & my early daughter is always happy to get time with him, even if her attitude gets in the way.
Tell the girls he just loves him n wants to spend time with him at 16 they can then decide more so about seeing him or not but at this time he just wants to spend as much time loving them and seeing them until that time runs out
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Don’t force them to. That can cause issues down the line. Please just talk to them and ask why
My advice is be careful with that. If there are court orders saying she must go, find out the consequences if you don’t comply.
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If it were me they wouldn’t have a choice.
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at 12 yrs old, she has a right to say if she wants to go there or not, Again at 12, they have a life they want to do & most likely rather be her friends than her dad…and mom
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The more he pushes her, the more she’s not going to want to see him!
She’s 14, give her space.
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Truth of the matter is until kids are 18 they have no say in custody. If there’s a good reason why they don’t want to go (abuse in any form, neglect etc) then ok fight for them to not go. But if he’s a good dad just wanting to see his kids the kids need to go. Kids don’t make the schedule or rules. Yes at this age they have friends and activities and such and those are important too. But they still need to make time for both parents while working around those schedules. If it were you they didn’t want to go with how would you feel?
I can assure you that no judge is going to say “they’re 12 and don’t want to do just don’t send them.” Yes a judge may listen to them at that age but they don’t have the final say.
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I always made my daughter go see her father. If the time he gets then that’s his time. It’s so hard. Especially if it court ordered
I think you need to sit down with her and talk with her and see why she doesn’t want to see him once that’s established you need to talk with him and explain to him she is a young adult and wants space from him right now and when she is ready they can schedule something. Just remember his role as a parent is just as important as yours
My 11 year old is in therapy and has been discussing her feelings with her therapist. In our case she’s realized how much of what her dad has said about me was untrue.
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Talk to your kid(s) and find out the WHY.
There could be a million different reasons.
Is he a good dad? Do they have a good relationship? Is this a one time thing? Does it happen often? How does he treat the kid(s)?
They are pre-teens and they’re getting to the age where their room is their zone and they never wanna leave it, or they wanna hang out with their friends instead of their parents.
It could also be that they don’t wanna go because of alternate reasonings… him giving them a hard time and guilting them, is a bit concerning though.
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Honestly it shouldn’t be a choice in my opinion, if he wants to see them and is a good father they should be made to go especially with him having just gotten home. Sounds like you might have influenced their minds there
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How would you feel if you daughter didn’t want to come to your house and her dad was like ok, your choice. I’d be devastated. What’s her reasoning? Is she bored? Is she missing out on things with her friends? Maybe instead of a sleepover, he can get her for the day. I’d definitely be asking why she doesn’t want to go.
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I stopped wanting to go to my dad’s on the weekends at that age, cause I had friends & better things to do on the weekends
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Stand up for her. She is old enough to make the choice not to see him, but she can’t do it all on her own. She’s a kid.
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I think it’s a normal stage when they get to a certain age. I had that with my daughter. In the end we all agreed that she’d go every two weeks because it got to the point where she was only going once every 2 month.
I stopped all visits to my father at 9 and when he saw my mum picking me up the last time he absolutely lost it and skidded up my Nana’s stone driveway which flung a stone at my back. I went no contact after that and he had to just deal with it.
Stand up for her if she’s doesn’t want to go she shouldn’t have too.
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Idk you should be promoting their relationship (as long as he is healthy for her)
Having a relationship with her dad is just as important as having a relationship with mom. What’s her reasonings? If she just doesn’t want to go. Sorry not good enough. You go spend time with your dad. If she has plans, she can still go with dad, and dad can drop off and pick up. If he’s a good dad, she needs that relationship with him.
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Without knowing your relationship with your ex, my first suggestion is to try and talk to him first. Not argue. Talk. Explain where your daughter is coming from. That it’s not that she doesn’t want to see him but giving up her weekends away from friends is tough on a kid, especially that age. See if you and your ex can come up with a compromise that allows her to spend some time with dad without forfeiting her social life and feeling like she’s missing out with her friends. Then I would talk to your daughter. Talk. Not guilt. Validate her feelings because they are valid. But tell her that her dad loves her and just wants to spend some time with her. See if SHE has a suggestion for a compromise.
This is a tough age. Your daughter is becoming more independent and her interests are going to be more socially focused and that would be the case if you were together or not. So it’s harder when she has to split that “free time” with 2 households. Communication and compromise are going to be more important than ever
Try and keep it positive with the kids! Maybe encourage them. This age is rough… and it’s not that they want to not see their dad they just have their life they are starting to live as well.
Avitene she’s old enough to make that decision, but this may be something the courts need to be aware of. while you should stick up for her, it should be clear that those are her wishes and I would do whatever needed to be done to make sure she’s comfortable and happy
I’m gonna be the mean one here but unless he’s abusive then she should have to go. Kids don’t like their parents at that age, they’d rather be with friends. If she decides she doesn’t want to spend time with you but would rather stay at her friends 24/7 will you let her? If the answer is no then send her to dads. Put yourself in his position and make decisions from there. That is her father and he should be able to see his child. If she isn’t going to go can he stop paying child support? No.
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I once had to ground my 14 year old son to the back seat of the car to get him to go on vacation. They want to stay home and chill with friends etc. Blame the judge. The court says he sees his dad. Or just tell him the truth. His dad loves him and wants to see him. Sometimes you do things for other people.
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I’d make them go. That’s their father.
What we did: I made a point of getting along with my ex even when I didn’t like him so that I could be the buffer between my kids and their dad. We would ALL go out to dinner, go to amusement parks, etc so that they could spend time with their dad and I could step in if things got difficult. This worked for us because I knew my kids moods and triggers better than he did and I could help him to see what’s going on and help them to better respond to their dad’s moods.
There were also times that they went without me and I would just encourage them to enjoy the time with their dad and know that I’m just a phone call away if they needed to talk or if I needed to come pick them up.
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as a mother who didn’t have her father growing up, please encourage the relationship between a father and his daughter. so it sounding to me that maybe the little girl is just comfortable being with you due to the fact dad has been away for work and that’s not an acceptable reason for her not to go see him. only acceptable reason would be she was in some type of danger. so mom, you need to be the one who says “dad hasn’t seen you. he needs to spend that time with you and you will be back home (whenever it is). do not discourage the relationship.
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I make mine go. I mean what if she just decided she didn’t want to come to my house would I be okay with that? Nope. Unless. He is unfit inconsistent or something that’s different.
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my 12 yr old doesnt go with her dad and judge said she has that choice
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Is there a reason they don’t want to go ( not feeling safe)?
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My daughter stopped staying overnight with her Dad around 13. She still visited with him but she wanted to be at home in her bed every night. She’s 16 now, it does hurt his feelings but he understands. I think it’s just that age.
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You will get blamed for them not wanting to come but it’s a good time for you to teach your daughter to use her words and firmly place these boundaries and stand by them. A grown man has no place guilt tripping any young girls. Especially his daughter. I would point it out to him just how lame it is that he’s using that angle
She’s not old enough to decide. If you have. Court order follow it. I would encourage their relationship.
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#1, She is NOT old enough to be deciding to or not to see her dad. I am sure that the judge ordered visitation rights for dad and that needs to be followed through so she can get to know him. Be glad he wants to see her and just because he works away does not mean he doesnt get to see her when he is around.
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Unless there’s a real reason to not go see dad like (he’s abused them, hateful, mean, etc…) your kids SHOULD be going to see him. If they’d rather hangout with friends rather than dad that’s a right to poke some guilt their way. Figure out why your kids don’t want to see him and fix it if it’s on your end. Notify him if it’s on his. But at 12 kids just wanna do what they want to do. It’s your responsibility for follow through
Please please encourage the relationship!!! It is very very important that she has a relationship with her dad
Find out the why. If he’s a good dad, then he has every right. I don’t think it’s okay to let the kids decide IFFF there are no issues that would warrant any worry. Kids usually want to go to the “easier” and “less disciplined” house. Because they’re kids.
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Why doesn’t she want to go is the root here? Kids don’t just say they don’t like a parent out of the blue.
It should be i to the kids
Girls figure things out faster because we are more emotional
My daughter has gone through the same thing
15 year old has it figured out
Her 12 year old is working on things
Just take cues from the kids
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What is her reason for not wanting to stay there on weekends?
The real question is WHY doesn’t she want to see her father? A child maintaining a good relationship with a father who has always been there is important for their development. I’d get to the bottom of why, I’d see if mediation is possible or family counselling. I don’t blame him for being upset. Wouldn’t you be upset if your child didn’t want to see you?
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Coming from a step-parent (and mother) and watching my partner go thru being alienated from his daughter (and by no means am I saying your doing this to your ex) but I would highly encourage them to continue with their visits. Maybe not an entire weekend- a day for lunch and to catch up- a night for dinner etc.,
As kids get older their lives get busier and friends/jobs become more important.
As long as there isn’t a really solid reason why they don’t want to spend time with him- a create a schedule that works for the kids/him.
But please encourage them to have a relationship with their father and to not, not want to spend time with him. Its heartbreaking and it is so incredibly hard to watch.
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Find out the why, people are different behind closed doors
When my teen didn’t want to go I didn’t make her and if he guilts them then he isn’t a parent u need to put your foot down on the father
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I would want to know exactly why doesn’t want to go there.
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She should be made to go. Lol if he were a mom, it would be reinforced. Come on now. Is he abusive? Doesn’t feed her? Mean? If she just “doesn’t want to go” that’s not a good enough reason. This system and mothers tend to be the downfall of most fathers who do their best.
You need to find out why they don’t want to go. If there’s a court order then they need to go on their dad’s weekend. Once you figure out their reasoning on why they don’t want to go then you decide what to do.
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Unless there is a valid reason why. I have step kids who didn’t want to come to our house because they don’t get their way and the mom was in their ear bashing us. Now got older and started coming back to our house. If he is a good dad then you should encourage her to see her dad
I would suggest keeping dad in the Pic. Absent fathers creates wild daughters. And I get the don’t force the child thing…but 2 people had a child they didn’t work out but still there’s a child who should have the influence of both parents. I don’t agree with removing a parent from a child’s life, how would you feel if it were turned around?
she needs to go. shes not old enough to make that decision. if its dads weekend, suck it up buttercup. UNLESS there some kinda abuse but that doesn seem to be the case here.
Was this something she actually decided or did you influence her?
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Unless there is a valid reason …the child doesn’t want to go and this man is a good father…YOU , as the parent…should be the one facilitating…and encouraging the child going with Dad when its her scheduled time to do that…and promoting to her the relationship with her father…not fence sitting and fawning…enabling a minor child’s mood whim with this issue.
Children…can be fickle, push limits, be manipulative …and not ’ like ’ a parent on any given day…perhaps due to a ’ no ’ boundary on something being placed…even in a unified family under the same roof.
Co parenting between 2 separate households isn’t always easy or optimal however its up to the adults( parents) to ensure child’s consitant relationship…with the other.
As you are primary custodial parent…and the minor child 'goes to ’ Dads, this one is on you… to do everything in your power to make that happen in a positive way. Her relationship with her father is very important and mandatory. What happens, or is allowed to happen now…will set the tone in that father/ daughter relationship permanently under these co parenting circumstances.
Consider joint family therapy sessions with a practitioner skilled in co parenting within 2 household/ separated family’s.
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If hes guilt tripping his kid, perhaps that’s why she doesn’t.
Well, this is normal at this age. Kids are growing into teens and want to spend less time with parents. Which sucks for the parent and the dad usually gets the shit end of the stick. Dad’s too get upset and emotional when they start outgrowing the want to be with mom and dad. My dad often tells me about how hard it was when I went thru my teen years and I wanted to be with friends, and he wanted to be with me. I have preteens now too, and both me and dad are missing them when their with friends.
Dad’s not guilt tripping the kid, dad misses the kid. And the kids growing up.
She a teen n going to father mite be boring for her… there’s several times my daughter didn’t want to visit me or even sleep in my house just gotta respect her wishes n understand!!
Unless there’s a valid reason why they don’t want to go, I’d make them and encourage that relationship. I have a preteen & I know there will probably be times he “doesn’t like me” even though we’re very close. I can’t imagine someone telling him he can choose not to allow me to be an active parent in his life. Dad’s should get the same respect.
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What’s really sad is that our legal system “gives” kids the right to decide. Then when they get the courage to do so, they make them jump through hoops and drag them through a painful and difficult process. I honestly do not know why any child would want to go through this. The courts need to do better and provide protection for the children. In this regard and with respect to domestic violence, our system is a joke. I’m sorry I don’t have better advice but protect your child and support her. You can offer other suggestions like a weekday dinner with dad so that you continue to support their relationship… I’d 1w I would have been uncomfortable alone with my dad. Who knows what she is going through. See what’s really going on. Your ex could have made an off color joke. Man humor annoys me sometimes, imagine being a little girl.
There is a reason I’d say they dont want to go maybe they are mad at him who knows but if it was me I’d make them still go talk to see why and if she is that miserable I’d seek her counseling when u divorced it involved the whole family not just parents you all moved on but yes she also if your being still nasty hurt and pisst off she is too and picking up your vibes change your attitude so will she