My 5-year-old son came to me and told me that his dad straight up told him that when he is at my house, he does NOT have to listen to me or anything that I say…how do I even handle this because i am livid
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My ex told our son that he doesn't have to listen to me: Advice?
Sounds like he’s trying to get you to react so that he can play you off as the bad guy. Tell your son that he has to listen to both mommy and daddy, also it’s illegal for him to manipulate your child against you so you can literally take him to court for that alone. I don’t know what your situation is or what the custody agreement is but don’t be the one who over reacts. Just calmly work with your son
Some people really don’t care about the effects they have on their children. And there’s nothing u can do to stop it. You can be mad, but that’s not going to stop him from saying anything.
You ask your ex if that’s really what was said. Once verified that he did say that, you calmly remind him that at your home your child will follow your rules. Any attempt to manipulate your child will result in a return to court. Judges really don’t like parents who try to use kids to control the other parent. He could lose custody if it’s severe enough.
Get the both of you into counseling now…you have a lot of years left to coparent with this fool…and this will be the least of what he does.
Sometimes at this age children like to tell a few lies to get away with more so don’t jump to thinking it was your ex I would send him a message saying what was said and if he knows why it’s been said see what replies you get from that and explain to your son that he does have to listen to you and its your house and rules x
Communicate calmly with your ex, even 5 year olds can lie to get their own way… Make sure that he isn’t playing both of you off each other before getting worked up.
That’s absolutely not ok. I’d start with getting a forensic child psychologist and schedule an evaluation bc your poor son is being manipulated by his Dad at such a young, impressionable age. I’d also consult your attorney that helped with your parenting plan/custody agreement. Our custody agreement clearly states that we can’t bad mouth eachother or do anything to try to cause issues with either parents bonding w the children. Which this definitely violates that and could have him being held in contempt of court. You can absolutely do something about this legally and courts do not just let this kind of behavior go. I’d get the counselor for your kiddo and then go consult an attorney ASAP.
It’s called alienation and if you have a custody order it’s written in there that it’s forbidden and detrimental. You play your roll as the one who as stated above that he must listen to both parents and that both love equally. Be patient and do your best to do the right thing by your son. The ex is bitter and making it about you…stay strong. Been there myself!
Ask the dad If he said it
Honestly I would confront him when your son is not around. That’s very toxic behavior. Also if you have a custody order you can take him back to court for alienation. That’s very harmful emotionally to your child. Your child should not be used as a weapon against you or the father.
I would verify with your ex if he actually said that first. I know it’s probably not a conversation you’ll enjoy having but I think it’s needed before you can address it with your son. As the conversation will either be about how lying isn’t ok, or how the rules work while he’s at home with you. Good luck mama, this sounds like a sticky situation.
Record that conversation and use it in court.
I explained to my bonus kids that “these” were the rules at my house and while they might have different rules at their mom’s house, I was the momma at this house. They understood that, even when she tired to undermine me verbally just before the kids came to our house. My husband was very supportive of me.
I asked the kids if I could make the rules at their other house and of course, they said no. I explained that this was my house and no one else could make rules for my home.
Kids are smart and they know when adults aren’t “playing fair”. Keep up the good work, Momma!
My ex is doing the same and bashing me too in front of him
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Did he say that though? That’s the question, kids are notorious for not understanding context so maybe he said “when you’re here, you listen to me not your mom” here is hoping it’s misunderstanding if not then I don’t even know besides saying I’m sorry
Verify he said it first…then slaaap the sh:t outta him! Show him some discipline I’m kidding…kinda…lol
You tell your ex to quit being childish and tell your son he faces the consequences at your home. Not his dad
My step daughters mom told her the same thing, except she didn’t have to listen to me only. I told my step daughter that she will listen to all adults in her life no matter what her mom says. And at the time she was going through therapy the therapist told her the same thing.
Don’t pay any mind to what your ex says. He is just trying to make things difficult for you. Explain to your son that each household has it’s own set of rules that need to be followed, and that he absolutely does needs to listen to you. He will most likely give some back talk and rebel. His father is probably encouraging him to be that way. You’ll get further with your son, if you hold him accountable for his actions. If he doesn’t listen or is outright disrespectful, hold him accountable. Take stuff away, explain why what he’s doing is wrong, and make him apologize. If you bring these issues to his father, he’ll only ignore your complaints and continue to encourage the behavior, while also mocking you to your child.
I’m a child of divorce, so I spent my childhood split between 2 households. While my Dad didn’t necessarily tell us we didn’t have to listen to our mom. He definitely implied that our step father wasn’t someone that needed to be obeyed. My mom would also go to my Dad for reinforcement if we had done something really bad. My Dad would talk to us and discipline us in front of my mom, but when we got in the truck, he’d apologize, tell us that it was for her benefit and that it wasn’t really a big deal to him.
Just keep being the bigger person. Tell your son that at your place he listens to your rules & at dads its dad rules. It will help you in the long run & your kid will realize one day that you were the bigger person
I would ask the dad, and have the child present .let it be known that at your house there are rules that are to be followed
We deal with this with my husbands ex. She had his boys calling him by his first name even. They were 2 and 3 at the time. Just work through it with the kids and make sure they know you’re still there no matter what the other parent says. Not much you can do
You’ve got probably 10 more years of shared parenting, legally speaking. Set your kiddo’s expectations now. Let him know that dad’s house isn’t the same as your house so house rules and parent styles will be different and it can be confusing. Let him know that he always has to listen to a parent, just like he listens to his teachers. Adults are supposed to protect and guide kids, but let him know parents are people too and get mad at each other or jealous and can make say mean things. Ask kiddo what he thinks is the right thing to do. It’s his choice to listen or not, so what would be his safest, best choice when with you?
You need to be the bigger person in situations like this. You can be livid about it but you control how you react to situations like this. You also teach your son that if he doesn’t listen at your home there will be consequences for not listening. You need to make sure that your home is the place where your child feels safe and where the home is a structured environment with rules etc. also confront your ex husband in front of your child about what the child said and if your ex says he didn’t say it I guarantee your son will call him out on it. Also if it continues you can probably go to the courts and let the judge know too.
U stop the ex from sewing the child before the ex brainwashes ur baby. He’s 5 take him back to court if u have to
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May the odds be in the child’s favor. Because it’s a too bad he lied to you dogg
I’m one for being straight with kids in the scenario placing me in the middle.
Hopefully kiddos in therapy so the therapist can help him work through what’s going to be a drama filled rest of his life if this is how dads acting. Document everything.
I know my son was telling each of us two different things. So it might not be his dad saying that. It might just be that because he dad is letting him get away with things or he is just giving him more things or just what ever he asks for. I would talk about it before anything else
Parental alienation if verified would give you a slam dunk in a modification hearing
The ex is still a child trapped in an adult body
Talk to your kid about it. Court won’t care and neither will dad
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Been there some that my ex said much worse to my children. But unfortunately there’s not much you can do other then let your 5 year old know it wasn’t nice for his dad to say that and yes he does have to listen at your home or he will have consequences. Remind him that grown up shouldn’t ever say things like. Confront dad through texts or email.
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Talk to dad in front of your son. That way if he lies & tells you he never said it your son sees him for who he is. Otherwise he has to explain. Record the whole conservation. If your state requires him know you’re recording so be it. Still record.
Get him in counseling. They can help him understand dad is wrong. They can also help you in court proceedings.
You tell him dad shouldn’t have said that.
“Dad shouldn’t have said that. We need to respect each other’s homes. He has different rules than me and that’s ok. You know how it works here though and that’s not gonna change just because dad said so, just like things at dad’s won’t change just because I want them to. We have to compromise. I’m sorry dad made that confusing for you. Know that if you don’t follow the rules here you will get the consequences regardless of what dad says.”
Ignore it. If you model and show respect to your son, they will respect you back. Easy.
Talk to your child about why that isn’t true, and how he does need to listen to you when he’s with you. I wouldn’t mention it to the dad, because I guarantee it will start a fight. Just reiterate to your child the rules while in your home.
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Yumm no that is not ok you are his mother
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Id be having a serious conversation with Dad . If this turns out to be true then id be looking into having supervised visits only in future. Court would need to be aware of his encouraging disrespect towards you…it may sound like something silly but what happens if your son is running towards the road , you call stop and he ignores you ?
Talk to him and take a witness
He’s 5. If Dad can tell him he doesn’t have to listen, you can tell him that he does. In the meantime, have a conversation with Dad.
Let ur child know who is boss
I be picking myself up off the floor before mom or grandma said a word
Sounds like Dad wants control…
Explain to him that saying unkind things makes people ugly and teach him about kindness.
Then go on to tell him that there will be different rules for each house, just as the rules would are different at school or a friends house. Also explain that sometimes when people fall out of love and are not together anymore, that they might still be upset/hurt and can say things they don’t mean because they feel sad about the situation.
Explain that this is normal but we must be kind and if your son doesn’t like it when his dad speaks like that, that it is OK for him to express this if he feels safe to do so.
All you can really do is confront the situation with dad. Sometimes kids fib to get their way, sometimes co-parenting is rough. I hope for your sake you are able to smoothly communicate and get to the bottom of it to healthily coparent
You sit him down. You have a conversation. You tell him that not only does he need to listen to you, but he must obey you as well. You are his Mother. Have a conversation about respect. Also, what should be done if he DOES disrespect you. Punishments, etc. What does he think would be fair ?? I know he’s young for this, but… he started it. I would ALSO talk to his father. Tell him NOPE !!
Tell your boy his dad is wrong…then taklk with your ex in front of him without arguing. Call him out on it…
Remind your son that grown ups sometimes forget how to be nice to each other, And that his Dad has forgotten to be nice…
Turn it around as a lesson.
My home my rules should apply.
This is not good coparenting
Just sit down and ask if this is true first. The boy is 5 and kids tend to twist the truth.
Go for custody. Friend of the court and report to he manipulation
When he doesn’t listen to something you ask him to do
A swat on the bottom
And explain how you are his mother and you love him and while he is with you he should behave like your son not a bully
I speak to both of them together
And most mothers are the one that they spend the most of their time with.
That’s straight out abuse. I second what Cat Alston said
I would take that straight o court snd file contempt and ask for the judge to intervene.
Talk to the father and make a warning about seeing the child next time. He really should not tangle a child in this issue with you.
You need to have a serious conversation with him and let him know that it’s unexceptional what he is doing and if he keeps doing it threaten to take him to court
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Tell him it’s ok to fart in his dad’s face when he’s sleeping.
In the end. His son will not listen to him. Karma. Works in mysterious ways!!! You get what you give xox stay strong. Love long mumma bear.
What an asshole it’s hard enough to get kids to listen
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You would think that co-parenting was the 2 biological parents discussing parenting in each home to be the same! Otherwise the kid will be messed up having different rules at each home! WTF common sense!
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Thank him for telling you and go TF off on Ex and keep notes!!
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He would not be going to Dad’s house anytime soon!
Ummm well teach that 5 year old what happens if he doesn’t listen. Then you need to take those words and call out his dad and ask him just what in the hell he means he doesn’t have to listen to you. Why do people have to continue to try and tear down people just because they aren’t together? I just don’t get it
Go to court and request supervised visitation on grounds of corrupt parenting.
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