My family and I have been non-stop arguing: Advice?

Ok, so I have a question. The stress of the covid19 epidemic has put a huge strain on our household like everyone else. My husband and I got into a huge argument over basically nothing. Just frustration over the whole situation. It kinda freaked the kids out, and they were very upset. I tried to talk to them after about how sometimes people get frustrated and argue. Basically, my nine years old said we argue all the time, and it makes him upset. This is upsetting to me for sure. I don’t believe we argue all the time, but I do believe we argue about once a week. How much is harmful to kids? I feel like we do love each other, but the frustration of daily life takes its toll. I was kinda taken back by my kid saying we as argue all the time, but I guess it’s true. This has been going on for years. How much arguing is too much arguing? We are the only couple we know still together after 12 plus years. I just don’t want to damage my kids by making them think yelling and arguing is the norm.

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Sounds like damage has already been done, grow up and argue with your husband in private. My kids have never once seen us fight… ever.

If your child tells you it’s too much, it’s too much. As parents, we have to learn to be adults. If you have the need to argue or do anything that would upset your children, do it away from them. No relationship is perfect, but try to avoid anything that will hurt them. Their feelings matter.

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Stop doing it in front of your kids!!

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Aside from
Quarantine there really is no need to argue in front of kids… just put it on hold and do it when they are at school or out of the house. And just have a discussion, I don’t thing arguing is necessary at all. You can have a difference of opinion about lots of things if you are both honest about your real feelings you may find that you aren’t compatable anymore or that normally it’s a big misunderstand and it’s not about you at all. It’s stress about work or family or obligations etc.

I lived in a home with a lot of arguing, makes for a very stressful living environment for a child as they have no control.

You are delivered from that argumentative

It’s normal for couples to argue often. But do ot in private

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Baby being together 12 plus years really dosen’t mean anything if you’re relationship is Toxic to the kids. NO relationship is without its problems, HOWEVER kids should NEVER be put in a situation to deal with ADULT subject matter. Both of you need to STOP arguing in front of the kids.

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Biggest thing I’ve learned is do not what so ever argue in front of the kids! Wait till they go to bed, send them to play outside or in the other room, text it if you have to but kids see, hear, and sense everything even if you think they dont.

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My partner and I have little arguments in front of our son (13 months old, not intentional) and he tries to join in yelling some baby mumble.
Stops our little arguments quick smart, lol.
It doesn’t help in your situation.

Maybe grab the whole family down and get them to share how they feel, what is wrong and then how to fix it.

We argue every single day :joy: We live in California and have been cooped up for weeks.

Arguing is part of every relationship. As much as people say to never argue in front of kids it will likely happen at least once. My belief is if you start an argument in front of your kids resolve it in front of them as well. Even if yalls resolved it alone re-address it with them there. I believe it’s super important to show kids how to appropriately handle conflicts in relationships. That’s how they are going to learn. Best of luck to you mama! Yalls got this!

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Keep your arguing away from the kids. You two have a fight take it to your room. Children shouldn’t have to see their parents argue much less argue all the time. It’s very unhealthy.

I think everyone on end and worried about things out of our control

There’s nothing wrong with kids seeing arguing (assuming it’s not violent and over the top), it’s actually good for them to see their parents AS LONG AS they’re also seeing their parents make up. See you argue then apologize to each other shows them how to handle situations, and normalizes the fact that having big emotions is ok, and sometimes mistakes are made but it’s how they see you overcome those mistakes and handle those big emotions that matters. If you argue in front of them, just make sure you also talk it through and make too

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If your child said that you two argue all the time then that is what ur child is seeing. He could be picking up on little things that even you and your spouse have turned a blind eye too. This happens in relationship all the time and its normal to argue but it really needs to be taken away from the kids. I understand with most places having a stay of home order it will be harder to be away from the kids but go to ur room or go out to your car and talk there. You son is old enough to be inside while u take your disagreement outside. Find a way to make it work. You got this

Why are you arguing around children for a start? :woman_facepalming:

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When your kids notice…its too much

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12 years together you argue at least once a week do the maths the damage has been done .You both need to grow up and start been responsible I’m with my husband 12 years I can’t phantom a life were there’s arguments weekly jesus the poor kids

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One time is two much, it really depends on the chidren, i hope that you and your husband can talk and do something so that the chidren are not hearing or seeing that aruging take place. Remember they repeat what they live and hear.

When you argue go outside so they can’t hear you

No cause kids do what they see, it would be better if u guys could talk about thing instead of fighting cause it scares them, I know it’s a hard time I really do, but try to pull together, and we ll all on this together.

Don’t cry over spilt milk, learn to pick your battles, etc

My parents argued every single day growing up and it made a miserable childhood when they were both home. Like literally 90% of my childhood memories are them fighting. I know it’s bound to happen but if you’re going to argue, try to do it in a separate room and keep it quiet so they don’t hear you.

I think disagreements are not bad, but arguing in front of your children on a constant basis is not a healthy situation!

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Just don’t do it I front of the kids.

26 years and counting and my significant other and I argue at least once a week, keep it going. Kids need to learn not to bottle stuff up. Let it out, keep doing what you are doing. It also helps them grow a thicker skin. Just don’t get carried away, don’t get mean or physical.

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Try the Love dare and fireproof, Matt chandler a beautiful design. We all gave differences of opinion, its just setting ground rules for disagreements.

My fiance and I went to couples therapy to learn how to better communicate…it really helped. Now we honestly rarely fight. Like sure we have disagreements bit we dont yell or disrespect each other

Kids need to see the 2 of you, not arguing, but working together towards a compromise. Life is always a complete agreement, nor is it always compliance. It is a healthy blend. If your son sees you as arguing & you see it as arguing, you and your husband need to figure out how to have a dispute that is not aggressive in tone.
It is up to the both of you to think it through and not rush into resolution when angry. It gets you no where & sets the stage for your children with their SO.

I was married 56 years not to many argermart but ever one has up and down but no need for that if you love one another needs to stop now my wife passed in 2016 this has been the longest road I have been so stop now before its to late

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Depends on what you mean by argue. Are you yelling and screaming? Are you insulting each other and calling each other foul or hurtful names? That’s not effective arguing and it’s not something that you should do, much less in front of your children. If you’re disagreeing (even if it’s occasionally… loudly? Not like neighbors call the cops loud, but like someone can hear you from the next room loud, again, occasionally) that’s fine. People disagree. Couples disagree. But you need to make sure your kids also see/overhear you resolve the issue, apologize, and make up. That is the key. That teaches them that it’s ok to have a voice, it’s ok to feel your feelings, and it’s ok to disagree with a partner, as long as you argue effectively, come to a compromise, and make up. Kids should see that. They don’t need mommy trying to swing on daddy, and daddy screaming “get way from me you c*nt” at the top of his lungs. That’s not effective, even if no one gets hurt. You should evaluate how you argue and what the kids are exposed to before you decide if it’s appropriate or not.

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As a child of a family that actually argued a lot it doesn’t bother me to argue in front of my kids. They need to see it. Life will not be nice to them and strangers can say way worse things than a loved one in anger. Make sure to teach them also to walk away when things get too hot or to stand their ground on really important things without being mean.

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When my 3 y/o began swearing around the house, speaking in the same disrespectful manner to others, etc I knew changes had to be made. I could see the stress in his whole being.

Ok, you can make a decision about this together but…

My husband refused to change! I had to be the bigger person for the sake of my kids. I have since resorted to fight, swear, belittle, slander, etc over TEXT. The kids don’t need to be involved. Yeah, sure the occasional bicker can’t always be controlled but when I saw how it was affecting the little guy I decided to change for him more than getting anger off my chest.

You sorta become a pro at it, because now I literally just ignore the petty stuff (it’s usually the same fight over and over anyway).

I kinda feel like woman are way stronger than men mentally and emotionally especially when your kids vulnerability is at stake. I know that’s where I found my strength.

Arguing is normal. When it escalates that’s when it’s a problem. It’s interesting to me that my kids don’t remember random screaming matches between me and their dad but they definitely remember watching him hit me. When he would hit me or we’d fight really bad I’d tell my kids that sometimes parents get mad at each other but it’s important to talk calmly and fix things. FYI I’d make their dad apologize to me in front of them too up until I left him.

Personally I dont think it’s the amount you argue but how the arguments escalate. Bit of a bicker? ya know we all do it.
Screaming, shouting name calling. Not ok. Not infront of the kids.

In my house we have a pause button. When anything is getting too ‘heated’ in front of the kids we pause on the topic till bed time and kids are asleep.
We are not allowed to be angry or being the topic back up till then. We go about our day normally and I find the pausing to be very healthy because it gives us time to think about if I was wrong or if my partner was wrong and by the time bed time comes around we either apologise or are calm enough to have a calm conversation about it.

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My husband and I have been together for 11 1/2 yrs. We hardly ever argue. We bicker here and there but we have very few voice raised arguments

My mum and dad rarely argue, and when they do it’s usually a small bicker but when I see them even bicker about stupid stuff it upsets me and I’m 22😂

Every couple argues but when you feel like you are going to see argue ask him politely to continue the discussion in a different room and talk. Don’t shout. Nobody likes the see their parents argue regardless of age

We stopped a lot of arguing by having family meetings. Each person gets to ask for one thing. Have a ball or other object to hold so that only the person with the ball can talk. See if you can brainstorm ways to get each person what they want even if it can’t be completely that way.

Paraphrase what the other person has said and ask if that’s correct. Go back and forth until everyone understands what is being asked.

Each request needs to be small and discrete. Instead of, “I want you to clean up this room” say, “I want you to put your dishes in the sink within 5 minutes of finishing dinner, or clean clothes must be put in drawers closets Wednesdays and Fridays, or toys need to go in bins at noon, 6 pm and bedtime each day, or after working on the car, greasy clothes need to go in a soaking tub with soap and water immediately.

You can also designate one day a month when everyone has to help with a big job. For example, to clean out the refrigerator: tossing old food, putting containers in the dishwasher, wiping down the walls and shelves, cleaning drips off containers going back in, putting down foil or shelf liner or whatever if you use any. Then reward everyone with a special treat.

Instead of arguing about something, write down what you want to change and think of solutions. For example, son requests parents stop arguing. This won’t happen completely, but decide: 1. Each person will let the issue slide for a day or a week until can discuss it calmly and 2. write down what they want. 3. If it can be addressed in a family meeting do so. Everyone gets to say their piece as long as they are old enough talk. Kids have great ideas you may never have thought of!

Maybe decide to have discussions as you walk around the neighborhood, maybe wait 3 days to have a calm discussion about the issue, maybe save it for after the kids are in bed, or after a run when you are exhausted and have endorphins so may be less combative. Or discuss it while doing jumping jacks. Harder to be angry + you get in shape.

Going to or having phone consults with family counselors can help you be more emotionally mature and learn active listening and reflecting techniques, not to mention ways of interacting that don’t involve arguing. You will want to model better behavior for your kids anyway. No one is perfect, but we can all improve.

If a kid wants ice cream for dinner every nig,ht, maybe say OK, you can have one scoop for dessert if you eat an equal amount of colorful vegetables to balance it, or designate Monday night as the time when you all have ice cream, or you earn ice cream by doing chores (though using food as a reward can become a problem). There are usually work arounds so everyone gets some aspect of what they want. Your kid wants to live in a peaceful house where people can control their emotions and he can stop walking on eggshells and worrying if you will get divorced.

With everyone on top of each other, each person needs a place in the home or yard they can go off by themself to get away, calm down, or just enjoy some silence. These places are inviolate for an hour (set the timer on the stove, phone, or clock) unless there’s an emergency. Define what constitutes an emergency beforehand. After an hour, the person can be interrupted or allowed more time.

You can argue and also resolve in front of them so that they see that it’s normal

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