Coming from the daughter’s side of this type of bull crap. I cut my mother out of my life completely years ago for this same type of behavior. You choose a man over your own family. You should probably be asking youself why your family has such a problem with him especially if its not just one person in the family. And So, if you are ok with not speaking to or seeing your daughter or those other family members ever again then ok, go ahead and be headstrong and selfish and marry that guy. You’re love blind but your family isn’t.
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Sounds like you are just making excuses. I’m concerned with his “mental illness”…there are many out there.
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I’m concerned. Seeing a psychiatrist for medication is wonderful! But it’s not the same as also actively working with a cognitive behavior therapist for ongoing treatment and management of his bipolar disorder. Both are absolutely necessary for the best course of continued treatment.
When our family instills deep boundaries like this there are usually very valid reasons and concerns behind it. I fully support loving who you love and being supportive of our loved ones who suffer from mental illness. However, from what you’re saying, your spouse may not be managing his illness as best he can, and your children may be concerned for their and your long term happiness. Be willing to hear what your daughters concerns are, and be willing to have a tough conversation with her and your fiance. Sometimes we’re blinded by love and potential when there’s very real issues and concerns that need to be addressed and worked through.
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If your kids are adults, and no longer dependent on you, then you deserve happiness. If they are still minors and depend on you for their needs, then they should have more of a say in the matter, as it will effect them as much as you. If this is the case, maybe you could talk to your fiance about postponing the engagement until all kids are grown and out. If he truly loves you, I think he shouldn’t have a problem with waiting just a little(or however long you ask) longer to have the title of “engaged couple”. My husband is MDD with moderate anxiety & ADD. He can be a lot to handle sometimes, too. If the love is strong enough(on BOTH sides) then everything will work out in the end.
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Bipolar and adhd is extremely manageable. For him to have had outbursts zo make your daughter not want herself or you around him and even you say you hate his issues its time to think if thats issues you want around your family… while you are right on the fact grown children don’t determine your happiness if she and other family members are that serious about it maybe listen to their side and points. Have a conversation like adults.
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Sounds like your children are grown and away at collage. Mama’s grown and mama does what she wants. If they don’t want to accept him that’s fine but that doesn’t mean you have to leave him either. Stand by your man and if they come around they come around, if not then it’s ok to love your children from afar. Good luck mama and congratulations.
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I feel sorry for your kids! I don’t blame them at all.
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At the end of the day you’re a adult and can make your own decisions. Just know one day this man may just up and leave or do something horrible to you and you won’t have your daughter at that point.
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I’m currently watching my best friend go through something similar except her kids are far from grown and the husband is for real a piece of shit. It doesn’t get better.
It’s gets worse.
Don’t ever put a man before your kids
Sometimes kids see things you don’t . I would make it a long engagement. Talk to your child and listen to her and her concerns.
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I agree with not rushing into marriage. If things don’t work out, he will likely stop meds, which will make the bad side take over. It happened with my first ex who almost killed me while off meds. Second ex beat me and cheated (also bipolar). Eventually I stopped trying to ‘help’ mentally unstable men. It’s unfortunate because many of them do have a good side. The problem is you never know when an episode will still occur, and that can be very dangerous.
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You’re children are probably just worried about you and don’t want you getting hurt! However they have grown up and don’t live at home, they can not tell you who to be with and who not to be with! Same with family, I know they are probably looking out for you however they should support You’re decision! Mental health is hard work but it is nice this man has you to support him in his time of need! Hope all works out in the end 
Congratulations x
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I take my hat off to you! I myself am bipolar and am thankful I found someone like you that was willing to no give up on me. You are definitely on the right track by seeing psychiatrists and taking medication, as others mention a behaviour therapist can also help & also getting your children access to someone to speak to, this may help them understand the whole situation more. My Partners immediate family were also " against me " however she was persistent that she could help me change. 5 years later, I have come a very long way and her family adore me, they actually wish they understood my condition more at the beginning.
In saying that, Mental health is very hard to handle & if you don’t see yourself in it for the long haul, you need to step aside sooner rather than later because it will just hurt everyone more in the end.
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How ironic that yr kids don’t see much of him but when they have yr man be acting out! Hmmm listen to yr family darling or yr gonna end up alone…or worse… in an abusive controlling relationship . Huge no for me! So sad everyon3 else sees the calm b4 the storm but u…but ig that’s how it goes sometimes
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As a momma myself I would NEVER choose a man over him, EVER. Please listen to your daughter, she is seeing through his BS. You’re going to wind up alone, sad and broken for a second time. I wish you much luck with all of this. There’s nothing in the world I would ever let come between me and my son, don’t let him come between you and your daughter. Choose HER.
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I’m not going to be judgemental towards you. I am going to comment on my with my own experience with a grown adult son who is Bi-polar, ADHD,and what it his mental issues has caused our family.
When he is on his medication and not drinking, there is peace, but when he is being careless, there is nothing but pure hell. He has been married for 10 years, 2 beautiful children, now divorced because my DIL was just absolutely physically drained, and I don’t blame her. Then he gets with a woman out of the Military who fought in the Afghanistan war and has her own mental problems from the war, and they have been bestfriend since elementary school. My son put her through hell, now he lives by himself. I and my family has been through so much hell. We have tried everything to the exhausted point to help my son, but everything he does on his own, from wrecking every vehicle, banging up walls with holes from his outburst, destroyed my Summer home, he blames everyone but his own act. Now he has cut himself out of our lives. I love my son, and I worry about him constantly, but honestly until he gets his shit together, I am alright with the distance.
My son can be very loving, he is very smart, he will help anyone. He does have a good side, but the temper is beyond. I feel your side to your fiancé and I feel your side also. Your ADULT CHILDREN are grown, you said they come home to visit, what you do with your life is your business. BUT, if there is physical abuse from your fiance with his mental health issues, then you can’t be in a healthy relationship. It’s not good for you dear, emotionally and physically. You have to think of your own self.
I just wanted to say how incredibly loving and supportive of you to understand his mental illness and look beyond it.
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Your kids should always come 1st. Shame on you for allowing a MAN to come between you too. I would drop you as a mom personally! 
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Wow… You are NOT thinking clearly momma. I am glad you guys are not getting married right away.
Those are your babies! And your family too!?? If it was one or two family members I would be like do you girl… but your children and family… BIG RED FLAGS…
Just don’t do something you will regret. Be aware and be noticing things your family has said 
don’t put your head in the sand. Be willing to see what they see. They love you and are trying to protect you 
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I have bipolar disorder and adhd as well. If he is handling the outbursts that come with it with meds and seeing his therapist and psychologist, your family has no right to treat him as they do. One day they will get over this if you are happy and he is trying his best that is all the two of you can do
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Your children are 100% grown. It’s time for you to live your life. Children dictating a parents life at any age is wrong. They’ll always be the child and you’ll always be the parent.
Family is not what it use to be. Sometimes water is thicker then blood.
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If they had no problem with him before in my opinion it’s the fact that he’s going to become permanent. Like he’s replacing their dad is probably how they’re feeling. I have ADHD and bipolar as well and I have a wonderful relationship as well. As long as you have the tools to help them cope when they have a bad day that’s all that matters and that’s true love. Maybe someday they’ll learn to accept it but you do you girl. It’s hard to find a good man these days everybody has flaws and are broken in some form or another. You can overcome anything together. You’re in my prayers God bless
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I can relate to your post on many levels. Choose your child from the perspective of a daughter. The man won’t always be there, but your child/ren, grandchildren, and great grandchildren will be, and if you are in a relationship that she doesn’t support, she will not feel safe with her children around them either.
I went through something similar with my mother when I was 14ish-24 years old. I moved out when I was 17. She missed part of her first grandchild’s life. She often tells me how much she regrets her decisions and looking back on it now she sees how bad it really was. It took me a LONG time to build a relationship with her again.
I also tried to stay in a marriage with someone with mental illness, (I thought it would be best for my childrens sake.) and he ended his life by committing suicide with one of my children inside the house. He was taking medication but not actively attending counseling, and I am thankful that it wasn’t mine and my children’s lives that he took before taking his own life, and many other people told me that same exact thing because they too saw how he was on many occasions.
I have 3 children with ADHD and 1 of those also has Autism and DMDD (Disruptive mood dysregulation disorder) which I am told is the childhood version of the diagnosis of Bipolar. ADHD is nothing in comparison to DMDD/Bipolar, or at least from what I have experienced.
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It funny how putting your kids first seems to stop at adulthood… Not for me.
I will never put my own happiness and a man above my kids. Thats just me. Ive lived through it and continue to though… But we still dont abandon our moms either, we understand she needs to be happy. Just try to find a medium ground.
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I would suggest getting a therapist for yourself, who can help navigate you through all of this. I can only imagine how you’re feeling and how hard it is. Hang in there mama! I hope your kids open up to him. Mental illness can be super hard, and unfortunately has been so taboo for so long that it’s hard for some people to understand. Your daughter may still be struggling with the concept of you and her father splitting too.
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My kids come first. Always. I would never not have a relationship with my daughter over a man… they’re the most precious things to me in this world.
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Mental illness is real my friends! But it doesn’t mean the end of your life just because you have bipolar ADHD which is what I have. I have a wonderful relationship with a loving man. I’m on medication and most of my days are wonderful. The days that they aren’t so wonderful I do stay to myself and that’s okay with him and his family. I understand a lot of you are saying no and then you’re talking about your children who have mental illness do you not want them to have a loving relationship with a mate? Takes a special kind of someone to be with someone with a mental illness most of the time mine’s inactive and when it is active it’s very short. I’m not suicidal and I love living life today I’m also a recovering addict. Mostly because the doctors were misdiagnosing me my whole life now I live a full happy healthy clean life. I have a 12-year-old autistic child that is the center of my world. And one day I too hope for her to find someone special to live her life with. Someone who understands her illness and loves her anyway. Don’t let mental illness keep you from a wonderful relationship. Life has its ups and downs single or with someone. I’m talking from years and years of experience I’m 54 had my daughter late in life. Life is too short to not experience all the love we can get and there will be ups and downs as I said whether it be without mental illness or with mental illness. Never give up and it sounds like you and yours is in a great place and you have the tools to help him that is what we need in life someone who understands us and can stand by us when we have bad days. My hats go off to you but for standing by this young man and I’m sure his family loves you more than anything for this as well. Congratulations on your engagement take your time sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and know what you’re getting into. Like I said everyone has bad days. May God be with you and bless you on your engagement
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I personally feel that this post was written extremely carefully, and a lot is missing. I also believe you’re an adult and can put yourself through whatever you want, it seems your children are seeing something you may not be. If he has outbursts then his meds need reevaluated. My mother is bipolar and would have outbursts when she didn’t take her meds and she doesn’t take them now and I have nothing to do with her. Mental illness is not an excuse to be abusive and hurtful. Good luck, to me it sounds like you have made up your mind.
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Dick over your daughter? What kind of a mother are you
I wish I would’ve seen the signs before marrying my husband. He’s schizophrenic and it has made life almost impossible to enjoy
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This is the same thing I’m going through with my mom though something tells me you’re hiding more that just outburst …. I don’t like the man my mother is secretly dating Bc they are on drugs and I refuse to be around them or have my children around them … and if your daughter is having to fight for your attention that’s worse … but you know pple are blinded by love and no you should be able to live your life but your children should always come first and I don’t let my mother see my kids … you shouldnt be around that man at all if your children don’t agree and I can vouch for this bc it seems like adhd and bipolar ( if being treated properly) shouldn’t be judge but obviously something more has happened for your daughter to not like it and we just aren’t getting full story
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It sounds like your children have grown up and it’s good you have found someone you are happy with. Time will tell…you might just have to look after your own happiness on this one
Sounds like u already made up ur mind 
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Maybe your daughter should realize that you’ve done your job in raising her into adulthood and that now it’s MOMS time. Your children (especially grown ones) shouldn’t dictate how you live your life. Trust me, my mom has dated some men who I didn’t approve of, but what was I gonna do? She’s an adult and can make her own decisions. I would never stop talking to her over it, that’s just dumb. So long as his mental health issues arent causing any type of abuse, I say get married. Your kids will come around at some point.
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I’d always choose my children over a man. Especially if it’s not their father.
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This just took me back to when my mom was getting ready to marry and I begged her not to. Told her he was sneaky, and mean, and a liar, and just plain bad. I begged, I cried, she just didn’t see. She continued to not see for a long, long time. Not even when my Nana told her that I was telling the truth (finally) and it destroyed it wasn’t for several more years until they got divorced but the damage was done, and my mother and I didn’t speak for YEARS. Now we do, but it’s hardly the same. It’ll never be the same again. All I’m saying is the people who have always been there are seeing him without your rose colored glasses, maybe take yours off and look at him the way they see him. Maybe there’s actually something to what they are saying.
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Your daughter is 21 not 12, she really needs to grow up
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Tell everyone to kick rocks
You’ve been together for 3 years and your kids haven’t seen the best of him? That’s concerning. If all they’re seeing or getting from him is the bad then there’s no wonder why they don’t want him around. He has to be just as committed to them as you bc those are your children. You sound like you’re trying to convince yourself. Your immediate family doesn’t get to dictate your life, you’re right but the fact that none of them like him is a huge red flag. Everyone has flaws but something isn’t right.
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You are willing to give up 20 years with your daughter for 3 years for this man? Even though she’s an adult, she is still your child. Imagine when she has your grandchildren, would you feel safe having him around during his “outburst”? That is if your daughter brings them to you after having lost a close relationship with you?
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Stop trying to convince everyone he’s worth it , if you already know. You know their stance already. You’re not going to make anyone feel better about this, only he can. Sounds like you need to accept the consequences of your choice, unless you’re reconsidering.
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2022 22 2 I cannot advise on marriage. I will not judge you. I will not defend anyone here. I will tell you, almost all who write have shown no compassion for a man who is trying. Where is the compassion of God here? Half this country is on drugs, more deadly than mental illness. I have seen psychiatrists hauled off in strait jackets. Sane men and women will also commit suicide and murder in a fit of passion. Your family is concerned. I respect that. They want the best for you, for your safety. Expect a guarded distance with your pursuit. Check your stats. Same with alcohol. He who has sin cast not the first stone. I will say that there are differences that cause flareups and that is a warning sign of not the proper balance of medication and therapy. Yes, I have seen people instantly cured of some mental illness because of divine intervention. Itis rare, but real. Just as preachers who are ex-cons talk about being saved after killing people. There are all kinds. Pray on what Isay. There is no condemnation in Jesus Christ. Discernment is a gift of the Holy Spirit. God bless you in your decision. I spent almost 3 years as intake coordinator in psych, alcohol, and drugs for a in-patient general hospital. I also ama ordained minister. Johnny Piver
Well my fiance parents dont like me cause I’m older cant have anymore children and they dont understand my life wh a disabled teenager so live ur life love ur man if he always puts u first mine chose me and my daughter to come first and your kids always come b4 any man or anyone
you went from being cheated on in a marriage to being with a person who has mental health issues & you can’t see the issue? you’ve stated he gets outburst & hes emotionally unstable… maybe you’re blinded by love cuz being with someone like your fiancee can be exhausting for the person trying to hold onto the relationship…
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Don’t ever choose a man over your children! Point Blank! Your kids are yours for life, men come and go! Other People see what we don’t when we are in love! Children can see past what they show you and if all of your children and family members see it and you don’t then you need to step back and try to see him the way they do! Love will blind you with things that are totally in your face! Seems like you made up your own mind and seems like you are prepared to lose your children over a man! SMH 
YOUR CHILDREN SHOULD ALWAYS COME FIRST! Reading this brings me back to the movie “Bastard Out Of Carolina” if you haven’t seen it you definitely need to watch it, it’s a true eye opener!
Your kids should come first, throwing away 20 years with your daughter for a man you’ve known for 3 would be very sad and I wouldn’t blame her if she disowned you.
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Don’t let other people decide for you ! It’s none of their business !
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And furthermore So many people keep saying “Those are your children , your babies , kids always know , etc) EXCEPT THERE ARE NO CHILDREN IN THE STORY. Everyone’s a grown ass adult in college, shes clearly done her job. Everyone else is a stick their nose where it doesn’t belong family member. Mind your own business Becky… She can date whomever the hell she pleases. Yes, she might lose some people along the way, her life, her choice. Stop turning this couple into a monster, it takes someone with strength to love someone despite their mental illness.
Your kids should never have to “battle” anyone for your attention. If the people closest to you are seeing red flags then maybe you should take your blinders off and look at him objectively.
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Ask yourself this.
Would you want your daughter to marry and be with someone the same and that only others saw the worst of.
You are not bad behaviour fixer and don’t think just because he’s broken and less likely to cheat that / that is better than cheating and hence safer.
You need to listen to those around you that are trying to make you see.
What you are not doing is loving yourself enough to choose better.
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Why was he battling for your attention against your daughter?
That seems really immature, he should have stepped aside & let your daughter have your full attention as much as possible.
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I understand where your daughter is coming from, she just might have had a friend or two that has gone thru this & the end was not so good, And I totally understand where you are coming from, but I will say as you said, you love him but not his mental illness, which is true, but it is a package deal & it is & can be very bad & sad, You can deal with it & there will be days it will be very bad & sad, But you do know what you are getting into to. Best of luck to you
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Well, you’re telling us the story you want us to hear. What are the things he’s done that makes your family hate him so much?? There’s a reason why your family is blocking blocking & aren’t happy. I’m sure he’s done some things and you’re just brushing it under the rug like it’s nothing.
Rethink your decision, or have the balls to post all the negative as well as the positive, so we can actually give you some actual advice.
You never choose anyone over your children!
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You are a grown up and choose your own path. Would suggest, if it’s not too late, keep separate homes, so you maintain independence and a refuge if necessary and see your family on their own. You can’t force things, they are concerned for you. Don’t rush into any permanent commitment. Things may change.
Mt daughter did the same thing too me! I asked her why she said she has never seen with anybody but her Dad…I respect that…she is her 30s at the time…we always talk about relationships and I always let her find out for herself…which she does and so do I…
It’s going to end up being misery all the way around .
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You’re right that your daughter and family don’t get to choose who you have a relationship with but you said so yourself - they’ve only ever seen the worst of him and if your daughter has had to battle your fiancé for attention? Eww. How old is this dude?
Anyways, you also went from being cheated on to being with someone who has a mental illness who, once again you say so yourself, their outbursts are impactful. Maybe your kids and family are scared for you and your safety. They’re obviously seeing red flags. I’M seeing red flags and I don’t even know you. So yeah, if you want to maintain any kind of relationship, you might want to take the blinders off and look objectively. Or don’t get upset when it becomes obvious you picked a man over your own kids
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Theres no way around your daughter already knows how she feels about him and its not gonna change .It is very clear by your post that he must have really showed his true colors to your daughter and she isnt gonna forgive or forget and you just have to decide if this man is worth losing your relationship with her and any future grandchildren in my opinion no hes not worth it ive been on your daughters side of things and she sees something about this man you dont so 
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How weird to admit you choose a romantic relationship over a relationship with your own child 
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Sounds to me like you chose this man over your child a long time ago… just don’t get all mad when she starts her own family and you aren’t a part of it.
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If you can "see and know these issues, just think of all the issues that are still to come if you marry him. If the psycho has been seeing a professional for this length of time with little to no results, that should tell you something. All the doctors and meds also put a strain on you family’s budgetLook after you self and family or you may very well end up dead. RUN
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Sounds like instead of taking the time to heal and move on you jumped into a toxic relationship. And you can’t understand why this would upset your daughter? Shame on her for wanting better for you 
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If the people the closest to you are seeing red flags are are concerned you should stop making excuses and try and see things from their perspective. A lot of heartache would be avoided if we started considering the opinions of those closest to us.
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I think your children should be the most important people in your life but I also understand that you love your partner very much. I think it would be good to have you, your partner and your children sit down and have a very serious conversation. Tell them to say everything that is on their chest, even if it’s hurtful. You guys need to get EVERYTHING out in the open and deal with one thing at a time. Make compromises. Try to see things from their viewpoint and remind them to see things from your viewpoint. Don’t just disregard your children, that’s the worst thing you can do.
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You don’t choose an man over kids but once they are adults living their own life you do you and enjoy your relationships but take all blinders off mental illness is hard, exhausting and can be scary but the people with it are people and If that’s what you choose as relationship keep eyes open
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You’ve already chose this man over your daughter.
I’ve been in your daughters place, as my mother did the same thing.
I stopped all communication and she missed having a relationship with myself and her grandchildren.
Her choice and loss.
Then she died
Figure it out and be prepared to live with the consequences
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I’m sorry she is your child and you always choose your child first!
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My step daughter hated me for years and I adored her through every bit of it. I never gave her a reason, she just didn’t like that I was “taking her moms place”.
We have a beautiful relationship now and we’re best friends.
Maybe your daughter feels the same way. Girls take things much harder than boys do. There may be more to the story, there may not be, just keep in mind with all these degrading comments that your children grow and leave. Your spouse does not.
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The short of it… your children matter more, and if your adult children are that against you and him together, there has got to be a reason for it. If they are kids it’s not likely they are doing this just because, as some young children do. Your children did not stop being your children when they became adults. If your daughter doesn’t like him that much, you need to figure out WHY. Like, the real reason. I think she’s not telling you something because she believes you will side with him. And I think she’s right.
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The amount of “buts” in this says a lot SMH
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Honestly I do get the whole struggle with mental illness that hasn’t helped in the past. You want her to see objectively but don’t realize your guys sight is screwed too. IF this was the daughter talking about her boyfriend turned fiance and it was the mom who cut her off, y’all would be applauding her, preaching “cut toxic people out of your life, even if its your family” telling her that if her mom can’t be happy and can’t see her happy then she doesn’t need to be a part of her life. is it only different because its actually the mom and not daughter? What kind if double standards is that? You’re telling her that she is essentially picking a man over her child, but other foot you wouldn’t be telling daughter she picked a man over her mom. You can’t applaud and praise the daughter for a situation but condemn the mother in the same situation. Also I’ve seen many of times where a child will do and say whatever they need threaten whatever they want because they don’t want their parents to be happy. She’s also a grown up child not a little kid. Is the daughter mad because mom got out of a cheating relationship because mom “broke up the family” for wanting a divorce against dad and now child will show resentment to whoever the mom decides to have around and do their best to destroy it or be angry because “hes not my dad”. I know you love your daughter but if this is whats going on then in fact YOUR daughter is the toxic one and can kindly get over herself. Now this is all speculation ofcourse, but if yall want her to think objectively then you guys probably should too.
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I agree with several folks above. NO ONE should have to battle for your attention. Sounds like it’s not all him… you have a part in that as well.
I am medicated bipolar and ADHD, so I know first hand how I can be and get… all of that scares me a bit for you. I have had to work very hard to maintain a normal life, but I am not a people pleaser, so I make the connections in life that I want. I most certainly won’t fight over anyone.
And I made it very clear to my husband (of 27 years) that my children (they’re his children as well) will ALWAYS be a priority in my life… I can’t replace them, but I can sure replace a husband.
Red flags is an understatement. If your relationship with him makes your own family (those who know you best) stay out of your life… that’s a form of manipulation. I would consider the long term… if you’re headed down a road of just you and him (because they want nothing to do with him) … that could be fatal to your other relationships.
My question to you is this; “is this man worth losing my kids”? Simple as that.
For some, it may be. For me, no man is worth that.
And if your daughter came home with someone like him… what then?
Don’t be afraid to put you and your family first. If he isn’t encouraging you to do that, that’s bad news.
Best wishes.
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As well written as this is you are making excuses for a man who uses his mental illness to blame his behavior. He should not have outbursts or shown your family his worst. Getting care or not sounds like you’ve trama bonded to this man. I suggest your own personal therapy and explore why you feel such a strong connection to this man.
Narcissist for example have ways to make their victims fall in love hard. This relationship sounds like work in a sacrificial way on your behalf. Your children are important even older.
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Parents putting significant others before their children is what ruins relationships. Nobody should be more important than your kids, period.
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Way go go everyone for being so judgemental:clap:
and her daughter is a full grown adult. She is not 10.
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Ur children should always come first you sound like a teen in love. Get a grip
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Shes grown and will be moving away.
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Mariah Sterling read these comments 
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The post is very contradicting. Almost like you are trying too hard to paint a good picture of him and not your daughter. Using his mental illness as an excuse for his behavior.
You say “without question they have seen the worse in him”. “His outburst are impactful”. But then says she won’t give him a chance even though he’s been great to her.
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Your choose , i just hope you dont get hurt… My son is BI POLAR when living with me he assulted me so be aware , Had to take a AVO AGAINST HIM …an he had meds still the same an thats 12 years ago Nothing changed … only ME …
Has his outbursts ever caused him to be abusive and violent to you? If so I’d say there is your answer and why everyone has an issue with him. I have a half brother in law that is bipolar (refuses to take his meds) & does drugs (meth) and has a long history of domestic violence charges. He has 5 kids, he’s 32 his kids are 14 (12 year old B/G twins) from a former girlfriend and 2 daughters 12 and 11 from his first marriage. He’s on marriage 3 and currently back in jail. The family is and has washed their hands of him. None of his kids want anything to do with him because of his choices and they are all old enough to see now what he chose over them. I’ve been around 12 years my husband and I have been married 11. It’s a different perspective from people who aren’t in the relationship because we can see from the outside what’s truly going on. I was in a relationship before meeting my husband and that gut was abusive and I couldn’t see and didn’t want to see those red flags but everyone around me saw them. I’ll be 34 in a few weeks my husband is 40 and we are each other’s first marriage. My husband and I actually have had the conversation with me and his son when we started dating that his son is first in his life. I understood that and I agreed because at any time something could happen between us and I could be gone but his son will always be there.
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Either Either they don’t understand his mental illness or they know people who arenot doing well with mental illness and it sounds like he’s done things to make them think that he doesn’t have his illness under control so you gotta put yourself in her shoes.What if your daughter was going to marry a man with your fiance issues and you seen whatever your daughter seen ?Pretend you don’t know nothing about your fiance would you be ok with her marrying that guy?You said she would fight for attention I’m guessing there’s some jealousy there as well since it does take alot of your time and attention to care for someone who has a mental illness that’s not always under control.Best advice I can give is don’t just let your daughtergo I’m sure you could go to her house or have someone help you connect with her.You need to help her understand his illness and what it means as for you and your future and talk to her about the progress he’s making and what he’s doing to continue to get his illness under control.DO NOT TELL HER ITS NOT HER BUISNESS because your her mother your safety and well being is her buisness.Ask her her concerns and help her feel better by explaining what your doing and willing to do to stay safe and happy even say if he refuses to help himself at any time you will leave him.Remind her that she’s always your daughter no matter what but you just want to be happy and loved just like everyone else and that this man makes you feel that way and that your not marrying any time soon and that you will be honest with her on how his illness is going and you will put your safety first…Take info about his illnesses with you and bring info on how he can live a happy healthy life in a relationship as long as he does what he needs to do to keep it controlled…Your loved ones need to see the good side but you also need to understand that if he’s not doing what he needs to and he’s not keeping it controlled then they will never except him because they are scared for you…Like you said it’s not easy being with him and that’s what they have seen They want you happy not stressing everyday dealing with what he’s doing…I think if they are going to give it a chance you will need to showtime what it’s about and what he’s doing not just saying it but also if he stops or doesn’t do what’s needed they want assurance you will put you first not him…People have heard so many bad stories about people with mental illness.
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I think that specifics need to be given on your husbands behavior that would make multiple people in your family dislike him. How harmful were his outbursts? Was he physically, emotionally, mentally abusive toward your daughter? Some actions and words cannot be forgiven and I feel like this is a bit sus.
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You’re story:
I want to be in an abusive relationship and my family does not. If you want it this bad go right ahead and stop caring what they think. They’ll never accept someone that treats their mom poorly.
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Ask your daughter how she would like mom telling you what to do I bet she would not like it what you do is your business not hers even it is a mistake it is you not her
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Yikes. I don’t know. I don’t think I could give up my relationship with my kids. If they were just being bratty, that’s one thing. But it sounds to me like they have genuine concerns. If you choose to stay with him, you should make sure you make time for just you and your kids. WITHOUT him.
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Wait. Don’t choose him over your children.
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Been in the same boat, I made a choice , it was my child , over him .
We don’t see the reg flags in our relationship but those around us do , give yourself some grace , them listen openly to what your family has to say . Really listen . It’s going to be hard , but the answer is in what others say . Honestly if there wasn’t mental health issues they would be saying the same things .
I feel like you are trying to hard to convince eveyone he’s a good person, There must be something making her uncomfortable with your decision!
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Correct if I’m wrong, but I assume he became aggressive, maybe even violent with things (like throwing things, punching the wall etc). It caused a huge issue because your child was present and He justified his actions by saying he’s sorry he has this mental health issue and he loves you and doesn’t want to lose you so he’ll see a dr and get on meds, or he was already “seeing a dr and on meds” and simply blamed his behavior on his mental illness so he doesn’t have to be accountable for his actions and you went from feeling hurt and betrayed to feeling bad for him. And now everything in your life revolves around his “mental health”. His mental illness is not an excuse or justification for his behaviors, IF he even has one. Whether he does or not, it’s so sad that people are using mental health issues as a manipulation tactic. Your daughter sees what he’s really doing and what he’s really about because she’s not blinded by his love bombing. If you don’t know anything about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I highly suggest you do some research. A Narcissist is typically misunderstood as being someone who thinks they’re the greatest thing on earth. That is not what NPD looks like and it’s actually extremely dangerous and covertly abusive; ie the love bombing phase reinforces what a great guy he is so the next time he blows up or loses control of himself you will have already been trauma bonded. Being “in love” with a narcissist releases the same feelings in your brain as a heroin addict doing their drug. Also, it sounds like you chose this man over your daughter a long time ago and she’s probably hurt and feels so alone. This is a crucial time in her life and she needs her mother now more than ever, but you’re too focused on trying to save and parent a grown ass man while your daughter navigates growing into adulthood by herself without her mother. You need to decide if this man is worth your relationship with your daughter for the rest of your life
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I love a son who is multiple personalities…one day this one day that…but I love him…
Having said that I’m not sure I would voluntarily take on another fragmented soul…
Just my opinion
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This post is lacking in details for people to make proper conclusions, I feel. What did you partner do during his outbursts to make your entire family so upset? If it is more than just your daughter upset about it, it seems less likely it is simply her being petty or not wanting to see you happy. She has seen the worst of him but he treats her well makes for two statements that are contrary and make this story confusing to me. I think you need to sit down with your daughter and figure out what her issues with this man are as it seems doubtful her distaste for him is unwarranted. She probably talked to your extended family instead of you about it and they don’t condone whatever he said or did to her and don’t seem like they condone how he treats you either. Are you sure this relationship is as great as you say if it is causing this much of a rift within your family?
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I’d never be with a person my kids hated. I’d never make my kids feel second to a “boyfriend”. I’d never let my daughter feel like she was “battling” for my attention. This entire post is disgusting.
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They will come around in time. Your grown children who don’t live with you don’t get to make calls on your life.
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Your children need to always come first. Yes you deserve to be happy but it doesn’t sound like he’d make you happy long term.
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They obviously see something troubling to them.
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I wouldn’t be able to not have a relationship with my kids. Even once they are adults, nope they are my babies and always will be.
But… just remember if this was your daughter in your shoes at an adult age?
If your daughter was with someone who had bipolar-if you’ve seen his outbursts that hurt your daughter? And if she said yes to be engaged how would you feel?
I’m not assuming he’s hurt you. But ask yourself this.
Would you want your daughter in the same position as you?
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You’re an adult. Unless you chose the spouses of your kids , they have nothing to say. I do understand their concerns, but as long as your fiancé is compliant with meds he deserves happiness and a good life. Hope everything works out
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They say love is blind and they are right but people standing on the outside looking in see things clearly you may want to listen to your family because they are saying some very dangerous red flags and they clearly love you and want to protect you. Just as you want to protect your family and those you love they have loved you for many more years than he has.
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