You’ll regret a man choice over a child choice always. In the end. Mark my words. It never ever works
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Thank you for standing by your fiance. I am bipolar and have adhd as well. I’ve been mentally ill my entire life, since age 4 anyway. I have lost family members and many friends who get tired of the episodes and hospitalizations. I am on meds and receive counseling monthly. I have been stable with no episode’s or hospitalizations in the last 3 years. I am on a medication called lutuda and lithium. This combination works well for me. I have other mental illnesses as well. My point is I dont know what I’d do without my fiance. He has stood by me through everything the last 10 years has thrown at us. He is my person. He does not have mental illness and I know my episodes are hard on him and he still loves me and says I always come back and am me again when it’s over. We have 2 beautiful boys 3, 9 together. He doesn’t talk with his sisters or brother anymore because they didn’t want us to be together. He chose me. We moved. It’s been 10 years they still don’t talk. Of course I was not the only deciding factor to cut ties, his family are pretty toxic, as are mine. Your daughter will either get over it or not. My daughter from a previous relationship went to live with my mom when my fiance and I got together. She is now 20 and doesn’t judge me. She says you can’t help who you fall in love with. Give it time. She will always love you even if she’s upset now. The stigma around being mentally ill is real. I’m glad you found eachother. Im glad you see him as person worth loving. I’m glad your sticking up for yourself, your happiness, and your relationship. I wish you a lifetime of happiness and joy. You both deserve it.
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I could never be with a dude my family/kids don’t like. They’re more important.
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If he’s taking medication and seeing a specialist and you’re still seeing “the worst of him”, I got news for you: it’s not his mental illness doing it.
Sounds more like he’s got you in his facade bubble.
You only see the “good” that he wants you to see and when he slips up, it gets written off since “he’s so much better other times”.
If your family is that concerned, I’d take a step back and look at things without the rose colored glasses.
Don’t settle for an asshole just because the last one cheated and you think this one won’t.
My family was concerned for me when I was with my ex. I told them they “just didn’t know him like I did”.
I apparently didn’t know him either because once he got tired of pretending to be a good guy, he turned into a raging, abusive asshole that would make me feel terrible then disappear for an entire day and not answer his phone.
Be careful. Your post is HEAVY with the red flags.
He might have all the tools and ect but someone’s with such disorders are dangerous , be careful xo not all are the same just some
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If the shoe was on the other foot, would you want your kids with a man like you’re with?
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Ur life. Ur decision. Either they come around or not. They have their life u don’t tell them how to live. So they should not. Yes bipolar is youth but as long as he’s on therapy and on meds it can be good. If they don’t pay ur bills they have no say. But I think after awhile she will be ok. Good luck
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I understand where you are coming from, my daughter hates me being with anyone but my Ex, Her Dad. I havent spoken to her in 9 years. What I do have is a wonderful man who treats me so very good, he has his moments too, He is Autistic and PTSD. Your daughter is old enough to understand what is going on, she really has no right to demand you dont be with him. Someday she will get more experience and realize a lot.
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You said outbursts. That right there is enough. They saw that and felt fear. For themselves and you. Your children are not seeing through the love colored glasses you are. Be weary. Just reading this has me concerned for you.
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I was married to a bipolar. He got violent 3 times that my life was in danger and I had to call the police. None of this was evident prior to the marriage. What triggered him the first time was the death of his father while they weren’t on speaking terms. After 2 years he was given 6 months to live if he didn’t give up smoking and drinking. As an RN I did my best to keep him healthy. He lived 5 1/2 years after diagnosis. The two times he turned on me some friend had brought him vodka. It’s easy to get caught up in romance - who doesn’t want to feel loved? But, it isn’t love, it’s manipulation. They want to be taken care of of. My advice, never pick a man over your children!!!
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You’re children are adults mama, you’ve done your job. It is time to put you and your happiness first 
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You are willing to lose your child over this man. Wow
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It’s your life. They are adults and should be living there own lives too.
It’s up to you if being in a relationship with this man is worth the battles you will continually endure with the people closest to you.
I suspect your children want you to get back with Dad. Don’t let them run your life.
Coming from someone who’s mom married a man with SEVERE mental issues; don’t do it if you want a relationship with your daughter. My kids come before anybody. And a lot of the time, other people see things that you can’t see in the relationship. It is not her job to love him unconditionally.
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Would you want your daughter to do this to you? Pick a man over you? Seems like she has a solid reason why. I know someone just like him, the outbursts are scary and very unpredictable. She just wants the best for her mom.
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Well here’s my 2 cents your with him not your family so why even care? And at end of day he’s all you will have family ain’t nothing but a word
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I absolutely understand a single parents right to find new happiness with a new partner and that children need to accept that is going to happen. But, I don’t think I would ever make it 3 years with someone my kids did not like as much as I did. In this case it does not sound like a petty kid who doesn’t want their lol dating, sounds like she has good reason to be conserved for your well being.
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Your CHILD had to battle for your attention? Your CHILDREN saw his bad side?
Most grown people don’t just hate someone for the heck of it, especially if their mother is happy and they don’t even live there. You’re hiding something and it’s likely you’re letting love blind you from the truly bad things.
No. None of it’s alright.
You’ve made your decision. You’ll either wisen up or lose everyone 
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I would never pick a man over my children
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This is a slippery slope. I went through losing my children and then immediately after the person I thought was the love of my life walked out too. I put him above them. My children are back with me and he’s been gone. Never again will I make that same mistake. I almost lost everything because I put a man above my kids.
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Why do you have to marry him?
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If your daughter has to battle for your attention it says a lot, regardless your children are still your children. My child’s happiness comes before mine. I am lucky my child sees my partner as his father which he is. But it looks like you’re not giving your children enough attention and very fixated on this man.
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Put your kids first. I didn’t get a good impression of him solely based off what you said.
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Coming from a daughter whose mother has chosen a man over me my entire life, I had alot of anger about it for many years. I don’t like her boyfriend and I have good reasons not to. But there came a day where I accepted that her life is her life and mine is mine. However, I don’t have to accept him. It seems your daughter doesn’t want anything to do with him and that should be acceptable just like it should be acceptable for you to decide if you want to be with him. You need to set boundaries. My mother didn’t respect mine for years - still letting her boyfriend on my property when she knew he wasn’t supposed to be. Mental illness or not, you have to create something that works for both of you. If you can’t you won’t get thr relationships you want either way.
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I mean I guess it all comes down too what is more important! A realtionship with your daughter or a realtionship with a man who clearly has done things in the passed to warrant your children’s dislike of him??? This is a no brainer for me! My kids come 1st EVERYTIME!
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Not speaking on the original post but these comments about people with bipolar are disgusting and clearly shows the stigma and why no one actually understands bipolar. It’s not like the movies and the lawyers using bipolar as a means to get violent criminals off is downright disgusting and I’m sure most of them don’t even have bipolar they’re just using it as a tactic while causing damage to the rest of the world struggling.
People with bipolar are not dangerous horrible people who can’t be trusted. They are some of the most caring, loving and empathetic people that would die in a blink of an eye for those they care about. They love deeper but feel pain even deeper. Violence isn’t a natural tendency of bipolar, violence is a tendency of a violent person, period.
Being bipolar doesn’t make you a bad person. People with bipolar and people who know someone with bipolar need to do research on it, they need to understand where the emotions are coming from. When they have an understanding they can analyze they’re feelings and control how they react. The problem with the mental health industry is the stigma. Stop the stigma so people can get help and then maybe you’ll be lucky enough to know someone who cares for you deeper then anyone ever has.
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Time for your daughter not to expect to be no. One on your life
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I’m sorry all I hear is I I I and defense for your fiance and not of your daughter. I agree with your family and think you are being selfish. Yes I get it we should all be able to be in love but at what cost? Man I really feel for your daughter, the emotional and mental stress that is on her is just wrong. Step up Mom and do the right thing
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If you get to choose to put a man before your children then your children get the choice to cut you off.
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Blocking you on all social media and not speaking is not empathy for your situation its essentially spite, the question is why? if in 3 years she was somewhat civil and your engagement triggered this then you’ve got the dreaded choice of least regret, you’ve got heartache waiting for you either way
Sometimes its hard to see what others outside of the box can see.ive been here…They are worried about you and im sure love you.If all of your family is against this then dont you think maybe there is a reason.
Take time to really think about this decision.
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Your kids are grown so I wouldn’t take their opinions into consideration either. They’re not gonna let you pick their mate so why do you need their approval for yours… 
you won’t say what he did to make your kids not like him, just blame it on mental illness. Sounds like you know he’s doing unforgivable stuff but you get to have sex with him, so it’s easier for you to forgive the bs
Wow. All I read were about him and more importantly, about YOU! All you did was take up for him and it’s gross. You obviously, proven, have bad taste in men and are still refusing to even hear what EVERYONE around you is shouting. Your children shouldn’t have to fight for your attention, ever, period. You sound selfish, and tbh quite dum*, and you deserve the heartbreak that’s coming 
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Well it’s a hard decision to make but remember children grow and start their own life , you need somebody to take care of you , your family needs to be there for you as you for them , good luck
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Never choose a man over your child !
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Your children are grown & responsible for themselves. You deserve to be happy. Period.
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Never choose a man over your kids, I agree to a certain limit. Our parents have every right to form their life with whomever they want. It clearly says her kids are old enough they are out for school and come once in a while. So they’re not little kids anymore. I’m pretty sure of it was the kids getting married and the mom not liking their SO they wouldn’t cut them off just for her. They need to allow her to be happy and live her life. She’s choosing her own battle, let her. She’s not a child anymore
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I guess the battling for attention doesn’t sit right with me. Why is a grown men battling with your kid for attention? But it’s your life and you have to make the decision. The people on social media can’t do it for you.
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Like previously stated if your own child has to battle for your attention then there’s a problem. Sounds more like an obsession then love to me just by the way you are talking.
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Uhmmm… your family sees what you are blind to. That you’re committing to someone who has “outburts” -I’m guessing abusive ones where he loses control and lashes out?
That you’re trying to fix him or save him from himself, or as you call it, “his illness” at their (and your own) expense.
Any man who battles for your attention against your own children will never create anything but discord, distrust, and disharmony in your family and life.
He doesn’t have the maturity to be a true partner. Or the stability to offer you anything at all. Only to drain you.
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If you choose him, you choose to be alone. No one has to accept him so make your choice.
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They are obviously seeing something that maybe you can’t or don’t want to see. If your daughter was in a relationship with someone like that who has done whatever it is that he has would you be ok with her getting married to him? But also you should never choose a man over your children. And if there is a battle for attention something isnt right.
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So all I read is after . You are so fixated on yourself, you clearly have made some bad choices and it’s affecting your family: I don’t blame your daughter for blocking you and cutting you off. You clearly won’t listen to her or even grasp the idea of someone else’s perspective. You are setting yourself up for fail and no wonder why your children have to try and get your attention because you have put them in a position that they don’t matter anymore.
Honestly,
I hope those kids and that family do cut you off.
You appear to have narcissistic traits that serve your wants and not your needs and your family is clearly fed up with you.
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Are all your kids abults or just the 21 year old? ADHD is not a mental illness, if it was me and my son would be able to collect SSI. Bipolar is a mental illness but most people function just fine as long as they stay on top of there meds. What you are describing sounds like there’s a lot more to his issues that you don’t want to talk about because it will further validate your family’s concerns. You sed you you have your kids very little so when they have to compete for attention from a grown man the problem is you not your boyfriend. Who puts there man before there kids? Not a good mom that’s who. If he’s bad enough that your own kid refuses to talk to you then there’s huge red flags waving in your face that you are refusing to see because your “in love”.
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The amount of people bashing this person is insane. The dude is clearly getting the help he needs and trying. The OP is trying to figure out how to save the relationship with her daughter but standing her ground. Maybe her daughter should vocalize how she feels without any form of aggression or spite. If OP isn’t listening then that’s OPs fault, sure. Even if I was concerned for someone in a relationship, I wouldn’t abandon and block them entirely. I would be frustrated but would still be there if things went south.
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Just as she can’t dictate your life, you can’t force her to accept this.
She may come around and she may not.
I’d advise both of you to see a therapist and get too the bottom of why she’s so worried and why you aren’t. Usually when everyone is telling you No, there’s a reason. If your own child is willing to forgo a relationship with you over this, it’s time you step back and be honest with what you see.
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If they saw him at his worst and were afraid for your safety then I’m sorry but I’m with your daughter on this … loving someone with serious mental health issues is difficulties , but it can work … but honestly it seems to me that you yourself are thriving on his illness and maybe in a way manipulating it to keep things your way and “committed” as you say yourself … this is a tough one … I loved a man with a hidden mental illness and I almost paid for it with my life … my children noticed everything … I was blind to it … and I should have listened to them …
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You sound trauma bonded to this man.
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Kids should come first, always
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I have mixed issues with this because I completely agree she’s being over dramatic but at the same time I’d pick my childrens feelings over a relationship. And also, sounds like she needs more time to even get used to the idea of seeing their mother with someone other than they’re dad. That takes time and a process that you may not have given her. You do deserve to be happy but it sounds like you were love drunk and only thinking of yourself and not your kids
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The people closest to you can see things you are blind to. Things that you’re bound to see with time. If you kid is willing to step out of your life over your choice, maybe you should evaluate that choice instead of putting your effort into changing her mind.
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Sounds like you chose a bad relationship over your children, way to go “mom”.
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Kids ALWAYS first. Period.
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Maybe there’s a reason she doesn’t like him. Noone ever wants to admit their SO could be molesting or hurting our kids. But this is what it sounds like to me.
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I agree. Time for her daughter to pull up her big girl panties.
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Sweetie- you be happy - stop trying to “sell” him to your family. It’s your life, your heart, and if they can’t be happy - they need to keep their drama away. Be strong- be smart- be happy and be in control.
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You realize you are taking a man in to your home and your daughter and others will no longer feel safe in your home?
Others often ‘see’ things we do not because they are not romantically involved - trust them! I REALLY wish I would have … we all paid dearly 
If nothing else, give yourself space and time - like maybe separate for a year and date healthy guys … THEN re-evaluate things.
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Honestly just my opinion doesn’t mean you need to take my opinion into consideration if my kids at any age aren’t comfortable or don’t like the person I am with it’s CUT right from there my childrens feelings and their relationship with me means much more to me then A MAN. I would never be able to live with myself knowing my child that I’ve raised for so many years has left my side because I choose to be with someone they were not comfortable with or feels like they need to compete with a man for my love or attention.
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Lanna Nikol what u said Period!!!
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Kids come First Lady before boyfriend or fiancé 
no brainer
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Actually I just think a lot of the stories are just made up:woman_facepalming:t2:
Continue your long engagement, give everyone time to adjust. Your main problem is a 21 year old adult. Just understand that you may loose any relationship with her and others because of your choice. Most older children and some younger ones resent anyone who takes their mom or dad out of the box that they like for them to stay in. Unfortunately kids leave home and it’s not your responsibility to sit waiting for them to show up when they want to.
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My father is bipolar and all that jazz. My mom stayed no matter what he did. He was also a drunk though so there’s that.
From the context of your writing it sounds like you could care less what your kids or other family members have gone through in regards to your fiancé.
You’re putting him before your kids.
I’d honestly try to figure out why your daughter doesn’t like him. Like really listen to her.
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My fiance is bipolar, and I have been with him for 7 years. No he is not perfect, yes he has had some setbacks, but we work through them. He is on meds and sees a therapist. He takes abilify and we have found it helps him better than all the meds he was on in the past. Nobody is perfect, I stand by him, my family doesnt care for him, had made derogatory comments about him in the past, but as I finally put it to some, “You aren’t the one fucking him, so don’t worry about my relationship” (sorry for the language, but those were the exact words I had used). The way I figure it, we are only here on earth for a short time, and I will enjoy my time while I can. If we stay together or split up, no matter what it was an experience, and I wont ever forget it… Your kids are grown and will figure things out sooner or later, you and he are the only ones that matter because there only needs to be 2 people in a relationship… Live your life, be happy with him and enjoy the time together y’all have… Good Luck, and Congratulations on the engagement…
Make sure you are with him for the right reasons and not out of the fear of being alone or codependency . It’s a huge red flag that pretty much everyone in your family disapproves of him except for you. Naturally, you’re going to be biased and your family is going to be more protective of you than you are. It would be wise to take their feelings into consideration instead of casting your family aside for a man that may or may not stay. It almost seems as if he is an additional child, the way that you are defending him… which is probably why you are drained. Your kids are grown up but now you have his “outbursts” and the fact that he competes with your DAUGHTER for your attention? 
Just be careful… red flags everywhere
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Everyone needs and deserves to be loved regardless of their mental or physical disabilities (except rapists, murderers or child predators….who all should be dead). You are a beautiful woman to have a positive attitude and are willing to work through it with him and by his side. You and him deserve to be happy and if it’s together no one has the right to deny you that happiness not even your children. Your daughter is acting like a spoiled child and I’d just let her stew in her own juice’s and sit on her own pity pot. The more you try to plead your case to her the more she’s going to act like a brat eventually giving you a ultimatum…him or her. Quit begging her and you give her a ultimatum…like it or lump it. You’re happiness is what matters. She will move on into her own life eventually anyway and if she has her way, you’ll live a life alone snd lonely. She’s selfish 
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You can replace boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, and wives. You can’t replace your mother, father, and children.
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Her daughter is an adult. It would be different if said daughter was a minor.
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Ask yourself and be honest
Would you like it if your daughter was involved/ engaged to someone like him?
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Sounds like your children are grown and out living their lives- it’s ok for you to live Yours. They will come around, or they won’t.
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There’s never an excuse to be abusive. Just by the way you talk about his outbursts says it all. He has you convinced this is about his illness and not about him being an absolute shytty person. Your immediate family is absolutely right about telling you to leave. You’re being most likely gaslight into thinking any of this has to do with his illness. It doesn’t he’s just an abusive azzhole and you can’t see it.
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So they think you are suppose to alone until they say it’s okay!!! Chile bye!
Sounds to me like your children are trying to look after you and don’t want to see you hurt. Do not take Mental Illness casually. It is real. Many people get hurt. Yes, everyone deserves a chance to be loved but your children, whether grown or not, want you to be safe. Why would you even want them to accept a man whom it sounds like can turn very abusive.
Well…seems you’re content with knowing you’ll be put in a nursing home then since it seems your kids won’t be who takes care of you.
I’m going to have to say LEAVE HIM and focus on your children instead. Find a partner that isn’t battling your child, find one that’s right for not only yourself but right as a step parent too.
-signed adhd and bipolar person.
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I’m fixing my relationship with MY mother right now because she kept excusing her boyfriends shitty behavior which was also caused by his mental Illness, but that’s not a reason to ask your kids to get over it. I straight up left my mothers house in the middle of the night and didn’t say a word bc she acted like it wasn’t him because he can be so great sometimes but we just don’t see it but she does. Mental Illness is a reason, but not anything else. It doesn’t make people he’s done things to, feel better. It doesn’t cure any illness he’s caused. My moms boyfriends illness killed him a month ago, that’s the biggest reason we’ve reconnected. I’m not telling you to leave him because that sounds as ridiculous as you saying “he’s great but they haven’t seen that”. My boyfriend is also not speaking to his dad because he chose a woman over his son also. His dad also has mental health problems. It’s a reason but that doesn’t mean he isn’t held accountable for his actions.
Mental illness doesn’t mean they didn’t do what they did, and it doesn’t mean no one can be mad for their actions. Coming from an adult who’s mom is dating someone exactly like that, just because her child isn’t a minor doesn’t mean it won’t effect her. Watching your adult mother being treated bad, or watching someone destroy her things or life, as an adult is also just as bad as being a kid.