My family speaks down to my fiance because he doesn't work: Advice?

What do say to your family who speaks down about your finance because he’s unable to work right now due to medical reasons My fiancé is unabek to work righ now because he need to have back surgery if he does not he can become paralyzed and my family is calling him a loser and making it seem I’m doing all the work. My fiancé hates not working and will not take money from me we do not live together at this moment due to financial reasons. He does live with his parents cause his parents need help and his other siblings do not help at all so he feels he needs to be there for them. He is the most caring man I’ve been with doesn’t treat me bad respects me and loves me for me. He also loves my kids like they are his own. I just feel my family is trying to tell me I’m need to break up with him and leave him because at this moment he’s not working, calling him a loser and saying he is using me when he’s not. Yes we have had our share of fights but we talk and resolve things pretty quickly! I want my family to see what a wonderful man he is and that he is not using me one bit. Any advice!!

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My family speaks down to my fiance because he doesn't work: Advice?

I personally think that each person needs to address their own family. My uusband has defended me to his and I have to mine. My mother did the same thing. Except mine worked night so during the day he slept so she said he was lazy. I told her not to make me choose because I would choose him. He is my husband and the father of her grandchildren. She needs to learn her boundaries and respect that I can choose who I want to be with. I’ve been with my husband now for 17 years. Speak to them respectfully but be frank with what you expect from them. They will either grow to love him or choose to be respectful for you.

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Tell them to keep their nasty comments to themselves, or you won’t be coming around anymore. Also if you’re sharing every detail of your relationship with them, good and bad, stop. Nothing good comes from everyone knowing every high and low of your relationship. Including family.

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Not many understand chronic illness. Either way, let them know they can respect your choice or you won’t be around much. It’s up to them.

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Me and my boyfriend live together we also have kids together but I would absolutely not stand for my family being disrespectful to my boyfriend especially if he was in that situation !I would sit down with them and tell them your not going to put up with the disrespect either they can accept him or they can just not be around simple as that …I could understand if he was a bum and just not wanting to work and living off of you and spending all your money but if he is a good guy and has to have SURGERY that’s a whole nother thing

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Tell them to kick rocks!

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I’d cut them from my life if they continue to be toxic.

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Tell your family to shut the fuck up :100:

It’s not anyone’s business but you and your fiancé’s so don’t worry about what others say or think. I wish you the best. Your in my prayers :pray: you just tell your family you don’t have to discuss anything with them because it’s not their relationship.

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People like your family don’t know what’s it’s like to have a real bad back. My fiance has been waiting for a back operation for a couple years. There’s no way he can work as he’s in pain 24 hours a day

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If he has legit medical reason . They need to shut it. I’m hoping why there even saying anything is cause they care about you and don’t want someone to use you . That being said ! They still need to consider thw situation.

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Has he applied for so, or Disability

Just make sure that is legitimately the case. Ijs…

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I would confront them and put them in their place, if they do it again they are done!

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I guess you need a break from your family. Have they never had a health issue… If not good for them , their lucky. I wish you both well.

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Tell them if they can’t respect you and your fiancé both, then they won’t be seeing you anymore.

In regards to the not working, if he has a legitimate reason and has a way to support himself until he can work again, leave it alone. Does he have a job and is on medical leave? Does he not have a job at all? Did he have one before this happened? Could he work a non-physical job? I think these questions matter to help you decide if their concerns may be valid. Either way, I probably wouldn’t get married until it’s 100% sorted and you are on the same page about everything.

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Time to put the family and friends in check. It’s non of their business and honestly how rude.

Cut them off easy if you are gonna badmouth the person I love then you ain’t getting to be a part of our life

Your family members need to zip it. He is doing what he can for the family and he had back surgery like what the heck. They just need to back off

Tell ur family to shut the fuck up and stay put of ur relationships

You have nothing to prove to your family and neither does he. They can accept it or not, that’s their choice.

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Your family is being rude and judgemental and discriminative because if he isn’t able to work because of health reasons he can’t help it and obviously if he was using you he would take the money and use if for things he wanted and not needed and make excuses. But he isn’t taking your money. If you found a love in a good man keep him because they are becoming fewer my first wasn’t one the one I’m with now treats me right and we both sacrifice a lot for each other everything that should of broken us apart brought us more together and stronger. If he didn’t treat you right than your family should be concerned. Wonder how bad they would feel if he gave in and worked and ended up paralyzed or wasn’t able to get surgery they can’t say he is using you then. But I will keep you both in my prayers and for his surgery to go well and safely and for a good recovery plus he is going to need your support afterwards. Don’t let him get discouraged and try to work even a small job tell him no and put your foot down because men feel bad if they can’t help there girls financial wise mine does but I work to he rather me a house wife but I feel bad if I didn’t work. Let him know on a daily basis your proud of him and appreciate him and he is enough for you. as for the family as long as your happy and loved that’s all that matters.

My parents told me and my siblings one day we may not like who you’re with but if you love them it’s your life

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But have you ever seen him work? Did he have any income? You don’t want to support someone else

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Don’t pay no attention to them they have no 1 else to talk about at the moment

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Thank you all! He was a mechanic before and his doctor told him he will never be a mechanic again even after the surgery! He has worked since he was 16 and hates not being able to work! I don’t tell my family that much about our relationship cause all they will do is judge!! No matter who I have been since I left my first husband with they always find something wrong with that person!! He is trying to get disability but it’s hard to get! He is also trying to find a job he can do without so much physical labor but that’s all he get known! He can’t even drive his motorcycle cause it causing so much pain and his motorcycle was his therapy!

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If he is not working due to medical issues then that is not his fault and your family is being very rude and disrespectful. If he were to actually become paralyzed then what the hell do they think he can do for you. I would be cutting them out of my life they sound toxic.

He can’t work from home? Sitting in a chair? There’s plenty of call centers he can work at.

He could try to apply for short term disability. Other than that all you can do is tell your family he’s doing his best and this decision is yours alone. And any truly toxic comments can either be ignored or you can discontinue contact with anyone you wish. In the end it’s up to you what you can do about what you have control over. You can’t control them or their mouths surely they will do it behind your back like mine do but in front of you you can put your foot down and say you don’t want to hear it unless this man is truly being disrespectful and toxic. Be assertive. Be direct and don’t be afraid to cut contact if it gets too bad. It’s not about him, you’re doing your best and if they are trying to fault him they are faulting your decision making. Also make sure he’s doing all he can. If he doesn’t after you suggest things and he doesn’t even try then will he even try in the future if he ever becomes able bodied? Just things to think about but this is your life not theirs. They can be concerned all they want but to dis him for this is disrespectful and don’t take it.

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No this parents take care of him I would check jobs history if too maney or not enough red flag

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I’m not saying he’s not sick. But can’t he do something to generate income? Don’t ever get in the habit of supporting a man. Your family may be harsh in their criticism but they have a right to be concerned. All work is not physical labor.

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Quit living your life for their approval be happy n ignore them n if you want to put them in their place saying something along the lines of it ain’t your life it’s mine he loves the kids n me n that all I need n leave it at that

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Tell your family they can either respect your relationship or stay out of your life period.

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He helps his parents How? If he breathing he should be capable of doing some sort of work. Believe me, you don’t want to support a deadbeat. Been there, done that. Your family can see things that love blinds your to.

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He will never live up to their expectations. So don’t expect it. Love him for him. Keep eyes open and mouth closed. He will show you what he is like. Don’t let your family involved in your business. You will discover the truth.

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When they talk s*** tell them to shut up or leave or you leave and tell them you don’t want to hear it anymore it is none of their business

Ignore your family and tell them to shut their mouths.

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There is always something someone can do for work even if they need back surgery or anything else

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My question is y haven’t u defended him and keep letting them talk shit about him what type of fiancé r u it’s your relationship so start defending it

Keep your distance. It’s none of their business unless they’re financially supporting yall

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Love is blind. And maybe they see something you don’t. Not all criticism come from a place of hate.
If he’s almost paralyzed, how is he able to take care for his aging parents? And if he’s able to take care of 2 elderly/ disabled people, working with people who have disabilities might be a good job for him. Most CNAs only have one client at time and he’s able to handle 2. Call center jobs are almost all work from home. If he isn’t getting approved for disability he has to have some income while he waits.

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Not because of your parents I too think you should wait.you don’t know if he will be able or capable to work .it is a hard task to take care of a person home and bills . You said his back . supposed he will never be able to work and with that he may somewhere down the line he may not be able to do a lot of things if you get my drift and will you be able to handle it all. Don’t feel guilty or obligated… Like your parents say it’s already a struggle on you.snd if you need help it may not be there because they gonna say I told you so.
And personally if he can do other things like sex…he can work

It’s you that should tell your family to back off. If they don’t then distance yourself until they do

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Put down ur foot on their behavior it’s not acceptable

You do what makes you happy. They don’t have to live your life.

Keep in mind that family, often times, think they are trying to look out for you by giving you advice … it’s because they love you & want you to be happy. But sometimes they cross that fine line between “caring” & “trying to control” their loved ones.

You’re an adult. You get to choose how you live your life, and who you live it with. If your family doesn’t agree with your decisions, remind them that you are an adult, and your decisions are your own to make.

I will give you the same advice I’d give a man. It is your responsibility to establish firm and clear boundaries with your side of the family. It is also your responsibility to enforce the consequences for them when they overstep. You cannot control their actions but you can control how you respond to them. This man is about to be your husband. I would tell them he isn’t staying home bc he is lazy, he CAN’T work due to medical issues and surgery (basically what you said here) and if they CAN’T be compassionate and stay in their lane you will need to take a break from them UNTIL they can.

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Two things: is the surgery scheduled? If not, why not? Are you sure you’re not overlooking his faults due to blinders you have on? If you can honestly say your family,y is flat out wrong, tell them to take a hike.

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Give it time. They will come around, eventually. Until then, just continue living your best life

Time will tell. Sometimes others see things you don’t. Do some research for yourself. Pay attention to how a person may see another person. You might find out things you thought you knew. Is not what you thought. Good luck.

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Tell your fam to ef off, you’re husband is a great man and their judgements are not needed, as long as you’re happy with your hubby and understand what he has to deal with before going back to work comfortably they why is anyone making a comment saying otherwise, sorry your hubs is going thro that, my mother is going thro a similar situation, her spine is deteriorating so if she doesn’t have surgery soon she will be paralyzed. Good luck to you both :heart:

It’s just a lil weird to almost be paralyzed and also be in charge of taking care of his parents.
Is he their CNA? If he’s in that bad shape should he be on disability until surgery? When is surgery?
I’m not trying to be rude or unkind. I’m just wondering if it’s a scenario where he’s milking the victimize crisis and not launching. I know some people who have prolonged surgery and were in excruciating pain but also didn’t want to work and used the pain as a crutch.

I am wondering if you will need support? How can he be a fiancé when u don’t live together and aren’t supporting eachother. Emotionally and financially. U obviously can manage on ur own and Becuz of that I feel like u may be blinded by the fact on his role. In other words, how and when will he move in if his main goal is caring for his parents? If u get married will he finally live with u? Or not. That would be an odd marriage and doesn’t seem like it will work long term.
I find it odd to settle with minimal work ur relationship towards the ur future goals. U have been very patient and kind.
At some point there needs to be deadlines.
If he’s almost paralyzed he should be on disability and have his own caregiver. Not taking in more hardship on his body and caring for others. Caring for his parents is not allowing him to provide financially for self and your family. His parents need a caregiver.
As for ur family they shouldn’t pry in ur relationship although they don’t understand ur relationship.
U also need to consider if u can care for a disabled man and be full on only income and maybe even move in with his parents after u marry and provide financially for them too, as this may be a reality for you. If you can see yourself doing this …continue or can’t afford to or it’s asking too much then u should consider if this relationship is right for you.
This of court is if surgery goes wrong and or if he never seems to get the surgery and just muttling thru.
Like I said I know people that do this. Try to prove illness to avoid getting a job while mooching off people. Or don’t put themselves first and so it’s always poverty/Illness.
I think we need more info… surgery date. How long he’s been off work. Future goals. Etc.

You don’t need anybody’s approval darling xxxx

How would you want your fiancé to handle it if his family talked down to you ? There’s your answer

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My family speaks down to my fiance because he doesn't work: Advice?

he can’t work but he helps take care of his parents? guess what, that’s work. I suggest that maybe you and him put your engagement and relationship on hold or just break things off com

7 Likes

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I dont want to be mean but I was in 2 relationships that way. First one guy always had an excuse as to who he had to help in his family and when so no jobs ever lasted. But in reality he was not even doing anything to help said family members but rather freeloading off them. 2nd dude worked fine until we moved in together then he had all these medical reasons as to why he couldn’t work but wouldn’t do anything to fix the problems. But amazingly after I left he got a job and has kept it since i left without any medical procedures. From my past experience you can love someone to death they can be a great person but maybe not the person for you. And I wouldn’t want to not live with my fiancee. If y’all get married is his family going to continue to come before you and your kids?

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Well if he’s not able to work because of health reasons, why is taking care of the elderly? How can he even lift them or help them with a bad back? Why would he need to live with his parents, due to financial reasons? How would that help financially? Are they paying him? Wouldn’t him being home with you and atleast taking care of the house, be enough? I don’t work either because I’m a SAHM, but I do other things to carry my weight. So can he. What is he doing to carry his weight? Do you think it’s honestly enough or do your family has a point?

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You’re going to have to get real honest with yourself, real fast!!!

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Can he drive? There’s always ways to make money, door dash, part time work, ect. Or at the very least he should be living in the same house and taking care of it for you and the kids… I really don’t understand the concept of being engaged to someone who doesn’t even live with you or contribute to your household… How can you be planning a life together when your life isn’t even together right now?

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I have a few things to say here and not all of them match each other…

  1. It’s your family you’re the one who needs to speak to them, I would never be with anybody that allowed their family to talk to me disrespectfully.
  2. Maybe your family is right
  3.   you’re engaged to a man that does not have a job, does not own his own house ,does not even live on his own, how do you expect this man to take care of you? What are your expectations? 
  4. I honestly believe living at home with the parents is not a big deal as long as you’re not being a freeloading loser.
  5. If your man was as wonderful as you say he is, everybody would be able to see it with no problem… :wink: 
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How old are yall? I think yall both need to grow up a little! You have kids that should be your only concern!

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When I worked, we had a maintenance man who hD terrible back which required major spine surgery. He was almost 60. He worked every single day up until surgery. He was a maintenance tech at an apartment complex. Let that sink in.

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It’s really hard to trust anyone. People do use each other. None of us know him but I would be cautious about it. It’s not right your family is being disrespectful about it. They can address their concerns without doing so. If it’s temporary I wouldn’t think too much about it. There are other things he can do to help as well.

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Stop sharing information with your family.

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Can he talk on the phone and sit upright? If so, he can work…

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Unless he’s considered disabled, that’s really the only excuse someone could have to not work. If he was seriously that injured or as medical issues to be almost paralyzed then he would not be at his parents house taking care of them. Find someone worth your time and actually works.

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I would tell them to mind their own he has medical reasons y he is not working
Pretty plain n simple they don’t like it can keep their opinions to themselves

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I won’t comment on his ability to work or not bc there’s a lot that is involved in that esp if it was an injury someone will be paying for. He could be on medical leave due to the surgery we just don’t know. If he is typically a worker and he’s not trying to take your money, he loves you and respects you and is good to your kids and supports a coparent relationship if they have one then they need to mind their own business. Seriously do they want him to become paralyzed?!? Who wants that for someone….

It’s none of their business

When is the surgery and when will be back to work?

Tell them the truth, shut up if they want to hear from you. You made your decision, you will live with the consequences and if they push, you will choose him over them.

If he can’t work. Get the surgery. But the flip side of the coin have s mommy and daddy need him m all the time
It spells disaster. Not self sustaining and tied to apron strings. There is no you only had m and his parents. Sorry. You said it. I’m sure there’s

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Love is blind …but your neighbors are not. I’m sure there is more to this story.

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I definitely think you’re making excuses for him. Something is missing from this story. He can find a job doing something somewhere. Anyone can, it all depends on your capability and your determination. If his back surgery is scheduled, and he has a date he expects to be back to work then your family should mind their own business. However it definitely sounds like there is more to the story.

I’ve been with lazy men and let me tell you, it sucks ass!! You’re family sounds like they are trying to warn you, I would keep their advice in the back of your mind until you find out what is really going on.

Being disabled, even when healing from an injury/surgery can be a difficult and depressing experience. It’s so terrible when people judge other for it. Unless someone has actually been there themselves, they should mind their own business! I wouldn’t want anyone- family, friend, stranger to risk being paralyzed due to other judgement or harassment.

Your family is looking out for you. Be great full for that . Maybe they are right . He may not take anything from you right now , but it’s coming . He’s buttering you up a bit first . I know people who’ve worked with broken bones , needing surgeries …. Doesn’t stop them from being great .