So my fiance and I have been together for going on 5 years. We’ve had our ups and our downs and we normally work through it. Throughout our entire relationship, I’ve explained to him the things I need… whether it be a hug and comfort when I’m upset or for him to open up about feelings because pushing things down is never okay. Well, it’s like I talk in one ear and out the other… I rarely get the comfort from him I need. He rarely will open up about something that bothers him… he says he’s this way bc of his parents and that he can’t change it… I know he loves me just as much as I love him (believe me, it’s been a rollercoaster.) But I just feel like he has a one-track mind and I feel shut out. I don’t feel like it’s fair to me that my feelings are rarely valid bc it’s how he was treated growing up. That part saddens me, and I know he’s a genuine man…Maybe it’s just my anxiety calling me, but I need advice. I know how easy it is to tell someone to just leave, but I can’t. I love him way too much, and we have two children together, so giving up just isn’t an option… I just need some advice because I’ve tried talking with him about these things, and we just end up fighting… help?
I would suggest couples counseling. A neutral third party to offer a new perspective and keeps the two of you from simply arguing.
It’s harder for guys to open up than it is for most women. And he’s somewhat right, it is hard to unlearn what you knew as a child. I was emotionally abused as a child and it affects me to this day. Your feelings are totally valid, but it sounds like the two of you need to talk and come up with a mutual understanding.
You cant help those that dont want to help themselves. If he refuses to change then either accept it or move on.
He needs to stop using his childhood trauma or raising as an excuse NOT to change
You cant change him so you need to decide if staying with him is something you want to do. You have expressed to him how you feel and he’s decided to keep doing what he’s been doing. You could try counseling if he’s open to doing it. But otherwise you need to figure out for yourself if you want to stay the way thing are or leave.
Need counseling, otherwise there is no hope for change. You may want to think abt moving on if he is unwilling to change as your needs will not change.
Start meeting your own needs and see if you even want him around after that. You will either grow with him or outgrow him.
He is suffering from trauma. Look at other ways he shows love and focus on those. Also learn his love language and show love that way.
So then go see a shrink or walk
I wud suggest run ur ass away far far away as fast as u can!!
If he’s not willing to give you what you need from a relationship find someone that will
I understand. Mine is like this too. It is hard when one has anxiety to remember we are worthy of love. It is also hard for someone who wasn’t shown and doesn’t understand what love is to learn. It took a lot of work for my fiance to get where he is now, but my main questions to him were always if he wanted his son raised the way he was or if he wanted him to be able to show affection. I would point out his disrespect (got his self told last night for slipping lol) and it takes time and reminding and may never be 100% but if you love him, you find compromises and make it work for everyone.
The way he was raised is or may be the reason for the way he deals with his, or other peoples, emotions and the behaviors around them, but it’s not an excuse to not work on those issues and try to change…
If he doesn’t care to do it for himself, he should want to grant his children a different/better upbringing.
That’s said, people show love and affection in different ways. Although, good communication from both people in the relationship about what you each need from one another is necessary.
Ultimately, you can’t change him, nor can you make him change. He has to want to, and he has to be the one to do the work to make changes. Just like only you can decide if you can except the fact that he may not…
It’s time to move on.
First of all it’s not his job to validate you . To be supportive and respectful yes . But you need to learn to validate yourself … why is it that you have such a need to be validated… a lot of people don’t like to be pushed into talking about their feelings . Men are pretty simple . If he feels like he needs to talk to you about how he’s feeling … than he will but if your always pushing him to do so than he will push you away. The more you push about things the further away you get from things you want and need. Learn to give yourself validation … learn self care and watch how things change
He is who he is, you can’t try to change him especially after so many years. You have two options, you can either accept it or move on. If you choose to accept it find a counselor who you can talk to and will validate your feelings for you.
Maybe counseling but he won’t change unless he wants too. We all have issues from childhood and he can’t use that as an excuse. He’s a grown man. He needs to learn to deal with his past and be better for you. He should want to be able to comfort you and really hear you when you’re talking. Don’t settle just because you have kids. You deserve someone who meets all of your needs or at least makes an attempt.
Leaving is always an option, that’s just not the option that you choose. Next, instead of trying to fix him, maybe you need to see someone about YOUR issues. Maybe talk to someone about why you DESPERATELY need his comfort/validation. See you CAN’T change someone else. They have to WANT to change. The best thing that you can do is change the way you deal with him.
Your children are learning his behaviour from him.
You can only blame the way your parents raised you for so long, once you are an adult then it’s on you to learn better and be better.
If you have been telling your partner your needs for 5 years and they continue to ignore you they don’t care! As long as there happy in your allowing it happen they will continue in the exact same pattern.
Going through the same thing over here. You need to do some relationship counseling and he likely needs to do therapy to realize he does not have to live how he was raised. He can be his own person and break the toxic family cycle.
You really can’t change anyone… you can only change how you feel about the way they are.
If he doesn’t make you feel like your feelings matter, then he doesn’t know how to be in an adult relationship. If, indeed, he is suffering from some sort of childhood trauma, then he needs to seek help from a professional. If he truly loves you, he will be willing to do that, especially since he already is aware of these issues. If not, that shows he is unwilling to meet you halfway in this relationship and simply wants you to take care of him without having to reciprocate. 5 years is more than enough time to learn the needs and wants of your partner. If he can’t, then he is not ready for marriage. You’re supposed to be a team- not his mother or therapist. It is not your job to fix him.
Ask him to go to family counseling so you won’t repeat the cycle.
You can’t get blood out of a turnip…
He won’t change, if that’s what you want stay
He needs counseling, for one. The two of you need counseling together, secondly. Nothing is going to improve without item one, at a minimum. But lastly, remember the sunk-cost fallacy; just because you spent a long time making a mistake doesn’t mean you should spend one more second doing so. Your children will be better off with a happy mother whose needs are being met either by herself or with another partner better suited to her.
Cut your losses. I met my husband in May 2021, we started dating and he started talking about marriage within the first 3mths of our relationship. We just had chemistry from the beginning and he’s been my best friend, lover, therapist, sounding board and everything in between even though he gets on my last nerve sometimes. We do argue, we have disagreements and we aren’t perfect. He’s stubborn and so am I but we work because I’m his strength when he’s weak and he’s mine, when he runs out of patience, I’ve got enough for the both of us, when he struggles with something, I leave him until he asks me for help or until I see he’s about to blow a gasket. We balance each other out. We know everything about each other because lying would have destroyed us before we began. We support each other no matter what. We got married on 10 February 2021, we still get on each other’s nerves but something worth having, is worth fighting hard for.
If you’re not willing to leave you need to get yourself into therapy. You’ll need it for the long road ahead with a spouse that doesn’t validate your feelings or reciprocate your love.
Not everyone “loves” or “shows love” the same way. I recommend learning your love languages. My love language is physical touch, my husband’s is acts of service. You may be completely missing his acts of love and don’t even realize it.
Either accept him as he is or let him go. He is not a project for you to remake how you want.
Reag the Five love Languages. It’s a great read and maybe you guys have diffrnet ways of showing love and receiving it. It’s actually a very good and eye opening book.
If he’s a narcissist then he’s gaslighting you and the sooner you wake up the better
We need not stay in relationships that continue to short change us. It just doesn’t make for a normal life.
My husband is the same no talking. He drove me nuts everything was about him and he never took into consideration what I wanted. He asked me once and I said NO and he totally ignored me.
Couples counseling will work they have to talk about things. He had to learn to talk we have been a few times and it has helped us to get to 31 years this year.
My husband was not a good communicator or comforter it use to drive me nuts but it’s not that he doesn’t care just wasn’t taught healthy ways to express/show emotion and his family is not big on physical contact ie hugs, kisses handholding. Now we are very clear with each other about what we need but before I actually had to say I need to vent and need you to comfort me or I need to vent and I’d like your advice or I am having a hard day and I need a hug.
Ok, so your fiancé is not a hugger or sharer, or maybe an extrovert and you are. Can you get your hugs and sharing and outgoingness from kids and friends and acquaintances and accept him for who he is? Can you work on self-validation? No one person can provide you with everything you need.
Can you show your kids the good points each of you brings to the family and be honest about the cost of each of your foibles?
Counseling can help you see life from different viewpoints (reframing) but you have to accept the whole person for who they are or part ways. Make a list of good points and bad, joys and sorrows. When there are more things on the negative side for you consistently, it’s time for change on your part, either to find peace or leave. Adulting is hard, but ultimately rewarding.
He’s already told you he won’t change. Try therapy maybe? I wouldn’t be able to stay in a relationship where my thoughts and feelings aren’t taken into consideration…no matter how much I love the person.
Good luck with that . I have the Same problem 20 years later
I agree that maybe counseling will help you guys communicate, and read that book “5 languages of love”. The way you need love is probably not the way he shows it, but he may be showing it in other ways that may not be as obvious to you.
Don’t expect him to read your mind. My husband is on the autism spectrum so he doesn’t really get emotions or the need for them like you or I would. I often have to just flat out say, I need a hug from you. Or I need you to cuddle me so I can feel better.
I know it’s not quite the same but if he’s not used to the physical nourishment, he’s not going to just do it. Tell him when you need it.
See if he’ll do couple’s counseling. If he’d not able to hesr you and have compromise just leave before he does.
Two children together and only a fiance for 5 years!!! He was raised not to marry the mother of his children also?? BS!! He is grown why let someone you love feel the same neglect from childhood:flushed:
I don’t think you can actually find the answers you’re looking for on a Facebook platform…