Let him play his games. Let him do what he pleases. I do and dont complain. We’re built that way. At least I am. If you want it done the right way do it yourself. 
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The partner needs to get off his arse and help out more but I wouldn’t expect to the extent that the post implies if he truely does work 12hr days. Yes she is “his daughter” but it’s not fair on her to be treated differently or have different expectations between her and your biological child even if it’s just who cleans up after her. She’s only 4 and needs to be treated as if she was your own which means cleaning up after her the same as you would your baby. It’s possible she’s picking up on the “his daughter” part and acting out towards the baby?
Leave, he’s shown you who he is, believe him.
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You and your 1 year old go somewhere for a few hours so Daddy can spend time with daughter. She might want one on one with him? The mess she makes put on couch when you get home. Take your time as far as marrying him. You have known this 4 year old since she was one year old? Was she always like this? Maybe get 4 year old on his day off so he isn’t so tired?
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I am so sick of hearing about all these men who can’t “help” out enough with their children. I say it like that because they are their damn children too and they shouldn’t be helping once in awhile. If they are home too and child is home too, they should be taking care of that child… 50/50… mom shouldn’t have to do freaking every damn thing. Maybe I’m just spoiled with a good husband/father… 
you need to have a talk with him , like seriously … if I were you I’d leave because if he is that way I don’t see it ever changing. It might get better once the kids can help you and take care of themselves honestly. Most men like that don’t change long term… not that I have seen. He expects you to take care of the kids Bc you are home all the time which honestly is probably a lot more work then whatever he does… you don’t get breaks it sounds like. tell him this … or maybe tell him since he can’t help out apparently and you’d like a break once in awhile that you are going to get a part time job … tell him when he’s not at work he now has to make sure the kids are taken care of and sometimes you’ll be working while he’s not … see how he’d like that idea. Lmao.
He needs to teach her how to clean up behind herself. But you’re gonna be her stepmom so you teach her too.
I’ll tell you exactly what I’ve told my daughters when they were stay at home Mom’s… Since he “thinks” you do NOTHING, then do exactly that for a week. Don’t do laundry, pick up after child/children, don’t grocery shop, do NOTHING!! Hopefully he will then see just how much you do. As far as your “bonus” child… Find somewhere to go on the 2nd day he has her, walk somewhere if you HAVE to. Give him 1st day to relax and unwind then let him have her the 2nd. Good luck!!!
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Sounds like the honeymoon is over before it begins.if u didn’t sign up for this move on
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Babe, all you posted needs to be told to Him, face to face, with no distractions, by yourselves!!! Go somewhere together, have dinner, TALK. It will be hard to do. But insist on Alone!!! Make sure you tell him IT’S IMPORTANT. Hopefully, he will respond, if he doesn’t
Then you either deal, or let go.
As for the little one, if you don’t care for her and want to keep her at arms length, not be part of her life, you both need to discuss it…good or bad…
You certainly have valid feelings. Decisions are hard, but your happiness, should not be ignored by your Partner in life. Or you. GET ON IT!!!
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I have 6 kids. 1 is 4 and can clean up after herself.
And its not just his daughter, i think thats the ONLY problem.
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I’d be making my exit plans. Do you really want to be stuck with this or worse for the rest of your life?
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Don’t say a word about the mess just leave it. He may get the hint
Why aren’t you having her clean her toys up?
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She is old enough at least to start cleaning up after herself. Now as for him. If he is always only playing his video games, you just might want to rethink marriage with him. It’s a thought !!!
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If he cannot be responsible for HIS child & does this to you where he is behaving like a child instead of an adult - he isn’t worth having around…
Give it a few years & you will be kicking his ass out - find someone who is responsible & has their manure together…
Uhh shes 4… Teach her punk ass to clean up behind herself. Parents are good and all but if we dont teach our kids to clean up. Youll be their maid forever
Let him no how u feel. If he don’t change his ways then let him no it’s bye bye baby
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Be compassionate yet dominant that baby needs a figure to respect. Don’t be abusive most babies love to feel needed accepted and to have responsibilities most kids will jump at being a person to help clean up. Look at them as the individual not a problem and ask if they would like to help and you can help too. Teamwork makes the dream work even if you don’t have the whole team.
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Make her clean up after herself
He acts this way now—and you’re not even married? It won’t get any better!!! Move on,unless he is willing to get help and admit he needs to change!! Good luck, sweetie.
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I’ll never understand these things… “I can’t imagine a life without this bad, but he treats me/his children poorly”. What can’t you love without? Cuz it doesn’t sound like he’s very mature. If you still believe you want to marry him, I’d have one more talk about how you feel and if he doesn’t hear it, take a break or some time apart.
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Id get the baby and go to a friends leave her home with dad. Period id also go on strike no cooking cleaning or washing clothes for his ass
HIDE THE VIDEO CONTROLLERS!!! TELL HIM that although you Love his DAUGHTER that it is - HIS DAUGHTER- that comes to SPEND TIME WITH HIM & you don’t mind being INVOLVED with that THAT IS NO WAY SHOULD IT BE EXPECTED! THAT HE WILL HELP IN HER NEEDS AND WANTS AND HER MESSES that you as his partner is there to assist NOT TO DO IT FOR HIM !!! PERIOD!!! Then you TELL him that although kids will be kids that your NOT going to TOLERATE the Bad behavior of hitting or Hurting the little one now or visa versa when they are Both older too. THAT HE NEEDS TO GET ACTIVE AND INTO ACTION IN Y’ALLS LIVES OR THERE WILL NOT BE A FUTURE. This will Lead to the end of your Relationship and let him know how serious you are… Also TELL him that yall need to get a plan in place for thst and for the VEHICLE To be FIXED … So you can go to work and Not feel like your useless, not appreciate and trapped. You will then have your own money and Finances coming in to do the things you need to do… Etc… You have to TELL him what you will or will not put up with Not just assume he knows . Say it and Mean it!!!
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Maybe he’s friggin tired after busting g his ass at work all day to support you. You’re a stay at home mom. It’s literally your job to clean up. 
stop being petty over a 4 yr old. Teach her or shut up. You clearly have issues and you’re using a small child as an outlet to be a bitch. Sorry not sorry. He should pay more attention to her yes but if you expect to marry this man that’s YOUR child too. Get over yourself, or get a job and stop making piss poor excuses.
Why are you engaged with someone who has kids that you view as separate than you and yours? How will that work once your married? You can’t change people so don’t wring your hands try to have a conversation with solutions instead of everytime she comes this happens then you- it’s gooto be taken a negative attack. What is the plan for your car? If he’s not going to make decisions ( he may be overwhelmed by working and feeling like he’s always wrong and can’t make you happy) try to make a plan togetherish- as in come up ideas for how to get that handled that he agrees to and it ends up as a good solution not another thing that’s not right that needs to get fixed.This is all very hard and you guys have to be nicer to yourselves and each other. Be a team.
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You share that responsibility now too though. This is what you signed up for knowing he had a child.
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Maybe explain to him regardless what his work hours are being a parent is 24/7 always. No clocking out and he should be an equal partner in that
Say something or you’ll be doing it forever. I catered to my husband because he’d work all the time for 2 ex-wives child support and I tried to give him a home life. Now it’s like pulling teeth to get him to clean up
I mean. If you are marrying him then you will be her stepMOTHER. Do you or would you clean up after your own children? Also if she is 4 then you could have her help tidy up within reason, she is 4 after all. Does he help tidy any other time? All of you people calling it quits running off and not even trying to work it out. Also you can work out boundaries and an agreed upon discipline like correction, redirection, or time out. For example say 4yr old is Amy and 1yr old is Joy… Amy knocks over Joy and doesn’t say sorry just continues on her way… you could a.) Ask Amy to come back and explain that she knocked over Joy and now joy is hurt or upset. Ask would she like it if someone knocked her over and didnt help her up or say they are sorry. Encourage her to help her sister up and apologize. Then thank her for being a good big sister and a high five for helping her up. B.) Come down to her level tell her that it aasnt very nice of her to know her sister over and she needs to apologize to her. C.) Tell her what she dis wasnt nice and that if she does it again she will find herself sitting in time out.
A.) Is probably the best solution as it allows the child to sympathize with the situation and have take part in the solution. For example you could even say what do you think we should do about this? How can we make this better. Then you reinforce it with positivity. Also same goes when tidying it looks a little messy in here dont you think we could tidy up a bit? I would really appreciate your help putting your plate by the sink, or putting your toys in the toy box, or picking your clothes up. Then high fives and hugs and positive encouragement. I promise cheering and encouragement go a log way with children. As a mother of six and a child care worker I have a bit of experience.
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That escalated quickly from complaining about his childs mess to his he doesn’t appreciate you or show you love etc. It sounds like your resentful towards his child because of his behaviours? I can understand you feeling annoyed about mess etc hell I’m annoyed daily with my 3 year old with how much mess she makes lol but shes a 3 year old child we have to teach them. I get she isn’t your child but I’m assuming your in this for the long haul with your partner being your fiance which in turn means your going to be her step mother? You are/are going to be a part of her upbringing. But I feel his child isn’t really the issue , it’s your partner
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You need to realize that if this is how he’s acting now, this is how your marriage will be. You need to decide if you’re willing to accept this behavior or not before you sign that piece of paper.
Start acting like she’s your child and if he has a problem with it then tell him to get off his ass and parent her so you don’t have to. If he’s being petty, y’all need to have a talk and figure out why.
When I came into the picture my step daughter was 6. Immediately I started treating like she was mine. If she made a mess, id wait until she was done and before starting something else I’d redirect her and have her clean up her mess. Now she cleans up her messes on her own. It’s never too early to get her into this habit.
If she hits the baby and takes things from the baby, tell her no and put her in time out.
As for the video games, my husband is a gamer. He’s home two days a week and I come to the understanding that at least one of those days he’s going to play games. He never ignores me for the games though. My ex used to but my fiance never has. If your man ignores you or his child for games that’s a bad sign. Maybe bring to his attention that he’s not attentive and ask him why he ignores you when he plays games. He may be so stressed he doesn’t know what to do and uses it for an escape. Which is understanding but he needs to go to therapy to learn coping methods that don’t include shutting your family out.
If he’s not willing to fix himself for y’all’s future family: that’s a sign you need to walk away.
Either get used to it or leave. It will never change. As for the little girl, you need to show her all the love in the world. She’s not getting it from dad so she’s acting out. She didn’t ask for dad to shack up with another woman who would have a kid to replace her. She’s the innocent victim here. Maybe if you changed the way you look at her(a nuisance) and just shower her with love and show her right from wrong you might just get to like her. Show me a four year old who isn’t messy?
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Just let him know how you feel. If he doesnt reciprocate it or be willing to working on then it sounds like hes moved on and ready to be singpe
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He works 12 hours a day? That is a good thing. Treat this child like you would if you had given birth to her. Help her clean up herself as much as she can and enjoy her. If you marry her dad you will be a step mom. Please be a good one. Not all are.
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So From what I gathered, this is a three part issue. I don’t know you but I’ll give my best advice a try. I’m basing my advice on giving your fiance the benefit of the doubt that he just needs to step up, and is not a narcissist nor is he a cheater. The three separate issues you seem to have are
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he is not as involved of a father as you’d like in particular with your bonus child.
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he is not giving you the affection you feel you deserve
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you want to transition into a different role in your home unit and are unable to because of childcare and no car.
1-Him not being as involved as he should be is something that has to come from within. What I did is I had a talk with my bonus son when he was younger and I told him things were going to change. I will no longer “tell” his father when he doesn’t listen, I told him there would be consequences (extra chores) and that’s it. I did not raise my voice I simply told him he had to do it. Being that your bonus daughter is young, have her help you with chores as a correction tool when she doesn’t clean up after herself or she is mean to her sister. That is usually the case in most families where the older kids “punk” the younger ones. Remember it is not easy for her to change from one home to the other for a visitation schedule. I felt that my husband had to be the one to discipline his son but since I was now part of the family, it was up to me to make things work for my sanity and to ease the resentment. You cannot control or change anyone but yourself. This is a way to get things done.
- you need to get to the root of why your husband is not being affectionate. It’s one of those things where if I have to tell someone to be affectionate with me, then it is not genuine. Ask him what is going on once you two are calm. Remember that no matter how much you disagree with what he is saying or how “wrong” it is, that is his truth and the purpose of you asking him is not to point out who’s wrong, but to come to a mutual understanding and resolve your issues while also validating each other’s feelings no matter if you agree or not. You should both write down what you expect of each other and exchange lists and that is the moment you both tell each other what expectations you can fulfill, which ones you need to work on, and which ones you are not willing to compromise. One of the biggest problems in a relationship is disappointment of expectations. You both expect each other to already know but we all transition every couple of years and with children our family dynamics change as do our expectations.
3- it sounds like you have come to a point where you’d like to change your role in your family home. What once worked before (I.e. staying at home with the kids) has now changed. It’s only fair to say that you are not the same woman he met as you have grown/ matured so you’d like to change your role into a different one. I believe we as women transition several times in our lives and so things need to change. You start small, make it work even if you take up a part time job until you can fix the car. That will help tremendously as now you don’t have to wait for your fiancé to be out and about. That sense of freedom will relieve some stress from you as well as alleviate stress/ resentment in the relationship.
You have to make changes in your own life where you can and not wait on your fiance. I know that it is difficult with kids but that won’t always be the case as they will be in school all day in a couple of years. I hope something I’ve said helps some. Good luck
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Leave. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself. Yes as a step parent you should expect to co- parent. But only 2 kids not 3.
However if you choose to stay then teach the girl to help clean up, discipline her when she’s mean. And try to have fun with her, build a relationship. Tell your guy to help and maybe tell his specific things you need help with. Try to get a job you can walk or take public transport to.
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I went through the same thing. Get out now.
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Im sorry but you do sound like a cry baby. My now husband had 3 children when I met him and I had NO problem stepping in being the mom to these 3 little ones cleaning, cooking, playing and dealing with everyday life with these kids. As time went on we had 3 children together big family I loved it and wouldn’t change anything. My god grow up be a mom to this one as well to your own. This man is working and sounds like he provides for the family you seriously cant clean up after this child ??? I think you need to rethink your situation. This little one needs attention too. She is old enough to learn to pick up after herslf but teach her don’t make it a bad thing. It can work but you need to realize you are the mommy figure and all kids need the mommy figure in their lives. I really think you are blowing this way up and it doesn’t need to be.
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Send her back to mama and let her deal with it
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My husband has always worked 10 to 15 hour days and I have never had to ask his help in cleaning up, I would rather him not but that’s my OCD and if the kids don’t do it the first or second time I ask them he’s really good about getting them to listen too, all of us help in one way or another even my 3 year old. Maybe you could take it upon yourself to start teaching her how to clean up, and if she doesn’t give her consequences, no dessert, putting up her favorite toy until she helps or things like that.
He’ll get away with everything as long as. U let him.
She’s 4 she should be picking up her own toys and taking her plate to the kitchen. My 2 yr does and he is autistic
You are the woman of the house? He works right? What do you do? Who cleans up after your 1 year old? I mean I understand you being mad that all he does is play games but you need to speak up. Make rules inforce them then if he doesn’t help suck it up or be single.
why are you even thinking of marrying a guy like that? The fact that he works is a big “plus”, but being a mom is a full time job. Dads aren’t supposed to “watch the kids”, they are supposed to be parents which means they work right beside mom to care for, clean up after, and love all the kids in the family. It looks like he feels you are his full time maid and babysitter - if that is what you want to be, stay with him, but if you want to be a “wife”- he needs to grow up or get gone.
Why are grown ass men still playing video games instead of being fathers? Dump this infant. He will never grow up
To me its not the childs mess or even her behaviour really, its the fact that its taken for granted that you will mother his child (as you have been doing) each and every time she comes over, without any kind of help or input from her dad, even if he only verbally backed you up when you tell her not to hurt the baby etc. And while you probably didnt mind at the begining because he was paying you a lot of attention at the time, it now feels like he considers it your job anyway and he doesnt help.
Explain to him that you would like to feel loved and aprieciated more, yes he works hard but maybe he could spend an hour or so helping/playing with the kids whenhe gets home, bedtime stories etc. Then he could snuggle with you for a while and then play his games?
My only thought is she is 4. She should be cleaning up after herself
Tell him to piss off, if he acts like this you are better off without him…
First of all, the baby is only 4. You need to be the adult about it and if you are with him then treat his baby as if she were yours as well. I know your baby isn’t that old yet and you probably don’t have experience with that age group but I’m sure you remember being that old. She isn’t grown and needs to be told, not yelled at but told nicely that she needs to be nice to her sister. And you have to be better than that. As for your man, hes probably exhausted and if you are constantly getting after him, no guy wants to hear all that after working long hours. Atleast he actually has a job and it ain’t the other way around. Just appreciate him and his doings once and see how things change? And if you love him like you say you do then don’t be so hard on him. He isn’t out parting around or being a loser without a job or just ditching you with his kid to go out you know? Love him and who he comes with HENCE his baby girl. Afterall. You two are engaged. When you are married whats definitely his is equally yours. Family and all! Hope all works out!! 
& Don’t listen to all these petty bitches. They obviously don’t have men and are still stuck in a naive state of mind with little girl tendencies. 
Like father like daughter and your the answer! He’s not about to but you will. Not hard to figure out.
My ex was like this. Key word: Ex. Trust me. You can definitely have a life (and a happy one) without him.
It sounds like the little girl is lashing out because she wants attention. Her dad is too busy playing xbox to take care of her or interact with her, and stepmom-to-be sounds like she doesn’t want to be bothered with her either. I’m not trying to come down hard on the OP because it sounds like she’s dealing with a lot, but if she is the person who typically takes care of the cleaning, cooking, taking care of the child they have together, why is his daughter from a previous relationship any different? If she is tired of the general division of labor that’s one thing, but to say he should have to be solely responsible for his child when she’s in their home is not right IMO. The daughter should be treated the same as the child they have together. As for the fiancé, he needs a reality check. Just because he works outside the home doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to contribute anything else to the household.
You need more support for yourself. You just ranted about your 4 year old step-daughter who is the scapegoat for you not getting the attention you need from your man. Interesting! He is ignoring his children and you. Hmm. TIme to figure out what he really wants and what you are willing to put up with. Time to be clear about how you want to parent both children; not just “his” and “yours”. Best to you!
We teach people how to treat us by the way we respond to their behavior. Trust me, it’s a lot harder to 'un-teach them after years of taking it than it is to just let it be understood that you aren’t going to put up with being disrespected. It’s your choice. No one can tell you what you should do about your relationship. Just be warned that you’ll probably be looking back in the future and wondering what you were thinking. If this guy is worthwhile to you, you might want to consider re-negotiating some things before it gets worse.
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Went through this EXACT thing with my ex…except i lost all feelings for hin once i realized i could tell him how i felt until i was blue in the face. We were together 11.5 years before i said “im done”. I should have left years before but i didn’t want my kids to have 2 different homes and i remained hopeful. However, i got my head out of my ass, my ducks in a row and i told him i was leaving. Its not easy but ot can be done. He let me stay there until I found a place to live. Now i have a wonderful man in my life who treats my kids as his own and has helped me become a better mom/woman. There is hope. Again, it is NOT easy but it can be done!
My best friend went through this. The dad is constantly playing on his x box not paying attention to his kids. People like that won’t change. I’d go ahead and leave. Unless he can actually step up to discipline and be a parent but I don’t see that happening.
Is this seriously a question to be asked?!
Even though she is little, she is also big enough to be picking up after herself or at least helping. You’re the woman of the house, so put into words what you want and expect.
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Not worth it. Seems a person would change for the better as time goes by and as you learn pet peeves. These things you’re saying is gonna get worse and worse. Before you know it, you’ll have years worth of bull on your chest. That’s toxic and unhealthy. You deserve better. Leave and don’t look back. Better things are ahead. Good luck and bless you.
I would cut my losses also, neither one of you sound happy.
She’s old enough to learn how to pick up her own messes to an extent, toys little food messes, if she acts out for not wanting to clean,then make it a game. As far as the guy, tell him how u feel exactly, put your foot down. If that don’t work. Then sit down with no kids, no tv and talk
You must be very youmg or a new mom. Since it’s obvious that he’s not going to help you you need to take things into your own hands the fact that she’s being mean and takes things away from the baby it’s just a sign up for jealousy so you have to make her important to the situation let her know that her baby brother or sister really needs her unless you has to teach the baby how to take care of his toys and how to take care of things neatly
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Try counseling. Unfortunately things like this only get worse. You need go to counseling as a couple but if he won’t go, go by yourself for you. Work out a plan to leave. If he’s divorced, sounds like there is a good reason. Good luck.
Personally, I’d cut my losses. This is how he will parent your kid. Take note, and get the hell out while you can. Also, tell him good luck with his daughter since he wont have you there anymore to care for her for him.
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Is she’s special needs , hyper tention!? Because at the end of the day ,your describing a toddler baby ,means she. Can be tought how to clean threw music and play ,kids you tube baby bump , I mean every child is different you can’t expect without teaching them, patients mom and deep breaths ,
No one will leave their relationship until they are ready no matter what anyone else says or suggests but i will say try not to be angry with the 4 year old she only learns what she is taught… She wont know any better if not taught so be angry with her parents and who is responsible for teaching her life lessons and how to be responsible… Xoxo
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Show him the outside of the door,and lock it behind him…or just leave the house when his kid comes over…eventually he’ll get it…if not,move on! KNOW YOUR WORTH! Dont settle for less!
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When she comes over you and your little one go out and let him deal with his kid or divorce him
Talk to him, then try counseling and
Then leave if no sincere changes
And be happy and stress free. Prayers
Make the kid clean up what it can,and tell pops to clean up the rest,rules in my house clean up after yourself,or dont come over here
Time to show him the door and stop being his mommy.
No one can tell you how to live but I can say if theirs things you don’t like and you think you can change them you can’t and it usually gets worse if you are someone that believes in the Lord watch the movie war room
She is old enough to be taught to pick up after herself
If he is this unappreciative now, it will only get worse. Time to leave.
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You do not have a fiance. You have an adult child. Leave now
Eww leave. You’re not even married and having issues! None of that will get better in fact it’ll probably get much worse.
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Could you teach her to clean up after herself?
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Run. It’s not gonna get better.
run do not marry him
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Cut ur losses and get out! Probably a weed smoker, wants 2 play video games? Wants a high class woman 2 do everything 4 him, but yet treats her like crap? Probably an immigrant or a Hispanic. They usually treat their women like trash, they think they r better than us. Grow up, tell him and get the hell out!