I need some advice. My fiancè & I have been together three years already, engaged 1. His daughter is about to be 4 in Dec, every time we have her, she makes a huge mess, whether it be with toys or food, he doesn’t clean up after her & this has been an ongoing issue. I shouldn’t have to bitch at him to clean up after her or even have him do whatever else he needs to for her! He’d rather be playing his video games or other bs instead of actually spending time with her, she hangs out with me more than him & no, it’s his time. He doesn’t pay attention to his child & our 1 yr old loves being with other kids, she likes to be mean & hit the baby, take things from her, etc. & I do not have it. I get it, he works 12 hrs a day & deserves to have some time to himself & even rest, but it just gets worse all the time & he wants to be a baby about it when I say something to him & he shuts down or just walks away. He has no idea wtf I go through all day long staying stuck home; I hate it! To him, I just have fun all day & I don’t at all. I can’t do anything since my car is messed up & we can’t afford daycare hence my being stuck home. Now he’s so ridiculous that he’s been sleeping on the couch & when he goes to get something to eat he’ll be so petty he’ll come back with nothing for me. Unlike him, I actually have him & the kids on my mind when I go shopping or whatever & ALWAYS get them things they like not to mention I even tell this man how much I love & appreciate him all the time, he doesn’t. Sure he’ll show me love & affection but still, it won’t kill him to actually think of me & tell me nice things. He did it all the time in the beginning & now I barely get an “I love you”. I can’t see myself without this man, but I’m getting to the point where I’m about to be completely done. I’m so upset that I don’t even have an appetite or anything & I’m not the type to be a crybaby, but lately, that’s how I’ve been because of him. Any helpful advice is welcome, tyia.
He’s taking you for granted, have a come to Jesus moment with him, and I think you should be reconsidering getting married.
Sounds like maybe you would rethink this relationship before you get married. I doubt it’s going to get much better. It doesn’t sound like he is going to change. I would tell him that he needs to get his act together ASAP and if not you are done. And if he doesn’t you need to leave.
To be honest I I personally wouldn’t mind cleaning up after my future step child ! That’s just me but if not than try and talk to him and if he doesnt listen make your point known
You want to be with someone like this for the rest of your life? Relationships should make you happy not cry.
Sounds like hes had a life of having everything done for him
But your not his made either
Too late for me to say Don’t have kids with him because this is how it would be. You have to decide if this is the life you want and move accordingly.
The child should be helping you/him clean her messes up. My one year old has to help me clean her mess up so I’m pretty sure a 4 year old should be. He’s going to get food and not bringing you anything back is so selfish and mean. He’s intentionally trying to hurt you. The dude is stuck on his video games, that’s some kid shit. No matter if he works 12 hours a day or not he made that sacrifice when he had kids and got engaged to you. Us parents are always tired but we still have to push it thru
Dont be the person who does it too. Let the shit go for him to see how bad itll get
It sounds like he won’t make good dad/husband material. I would leave if I were you. You deserve better than that
She’s four. She can’t pick up her own toys or “clean” up her food??? I cleaned up after my stepdaughter and our five children myself but at four five etc they’re very capable of cleaning their own mess. May not be perfect but don’t teach her to be lazy and have everyone clean up for her.
He will make a lousy husband
Have an open conversation with him about how you feel. And I’m not saying you stay home and have fun all day, but just like he works 12 hour days and doesn’t have fun at work. Your “job” right now is taking care of the kids and house. Maybe you can have him do one or two tasks either before he goes to work or after he comes home.
Exactly Becky and Mar Surrey
Sounds like he is showing you how he REALLY is as a father. Everything you mentioned are RED FLAGS… and should be considered seriously before you marry him. Do you REALLY want a life like this? Everyone deserves better. To think it’s to OK to IGNORE your child when they to come visit is WRONG… No matter how much you work. Personally… I would think twice (no matter how much I Loved) before I Married him.
She’s 3. That’s what 3 year olds do… they make messes and they don’t like to clean them up.
I think you know already in your heart he needs to go. Do not marry this man!! It will only get worse.
Lock yourself down when his daughter comes . Stay in the room or go out … make him take care of some of her needs & take the time to get to know his daughter on his own … maybe he needs a reality check . Stop buying him stuff , go out eat !
I would recommend counseling ,esp before getting married …kids make messes ,and it’s not just your job.
Fiance and his daughter … Not much of a family if you ask me
Your going to have to get used to what comes along with being with him . Be a mother to his child or y’all won’t make it .
Remember your WORTH, sweetie !! If one does not see it and appreciate it then find someone that does. And , she is old enough to have already been teaching her correct behavior. You know what you have to do. Good luck!!
Hes a fucking child himself.
It’s just how he is annoying I know but if you keep telling him he hears you he just doesn’t want to so decide whether to tolerate his behaviour or if you want better goodluck it should be a team effort not one sided x
Talk to him. My husband was oblivious when it came to his daughter. The sun rose and set over her, but he also didn’t question anything she said or did. She would lie constantly and he was clueless. We had a come to Jesus meeting of the minds and I told him what wasn’t working (him being online constantly and just not participating in our family- it worked. We’ve been together 11 years and our daughters are now 18 and 19 year old functioning adults.
I think the problem is “his daughter”. You’re a step “mom”. She’s part yours now.
Red flags all over. I’ve been there and done that with men like this. And 9/10 they were being unfaithful. I would confront and give stipulations on what you need and what you want. If those can’t be met then leave. Know your worth!
At this point, I would be rethinking marriage. First off, he is grown and can clean up when he gets home. I get being tired from work. Who isnt?! But… when he is rested for about 1 hr, he needs to help out. Second, she can clean up her toys and mess. You dont need to do that.
If the dad can’t guide his own daughter, then maybe, u should show a good example of guiding her urself. In the end u will reap what you sow. U will get the respect from the child in the long run.
You need to pay attention the signs
sounds like he hasn’t grown up yet. It’s not going to happen, you have a man child. If you dump him he will find another mother.
He need to be more active with his children but a 12 hr shift is hardcore. You stay home and attend to the children because that the situation you two agreed on. If you love that man, want to be with him then that kid is YOUR kid. You’re the one who has to clean up that what a stay at home mom does. If y’all were both working then it would be up to both of y’all but you don’t so its your doing. If he were to stay home then it would be his job. You should also address how he excludes and make you feel less respected by his action. Talking to us isn’t going to change him. I hope everything works out.
She’s four years old he shouldn’t have to do it all she’s old enough to start learning chores. With guidance of course 
He won’t make a better husband. Teach his daughter how to help clean up. Obviously her mom doesn’t make her clean up. Might as well teach her if you plan on marriage. You will be the step mom, set boundaries now.
Leave. The shit won’t change.
He needs to step up and help you parent both the children. If he can’t, you’re better off alone. You also have to keep in mind that the older child becomes your child too once y’all get married and you should definitely be allowed to discipline her even now. She shouldn’t be hitting the baby. And if you disciplining the her is a problem to him, then he doesn’t see you as an equal partner
You need to tell him to step up, or you’ll find a way to leave. It’s harsh but is what needs to be done
To be honest, I think you already know what to do.
If you don’t like it date someone that don’t have kids
If you’re getting married she’s your responsibility as well. But he does need to be putting in his part
I’d go away for the day when she’s there. Take the video game cord with ya! I’d come home and go to my bedroom…saying something about the mess as I walked through the house. He’s not husband material…treating you as a maid. You’re worth more than that!!
You are seeing the rest of your life, with the same degree of cooperation if you have children with this guy. If you don’t want to watch your male children doing like their daddy, you know how to avoid it. He isn’t hiding it from you!
Probably one reason it didn’t work out for him with her mom
Take your child out and about for the day and leave him with the girl, he’ll have no choice but to pay attention to her.
If you can’t see yourself without him and aren’t going to leave, then woman up and realize that she is your daughter to. Just take care of her, teach her to clean up. If you are the only one that pays attention to her then she is looking at you on what to do and how to be. As far as being mean to your 1 yr old, I’d bust her little ass. 12 hour shifts are no joke and you are a stay at home mom. You said sure he shows you love and affection, why is that not good enough? The whole going to get something to eat and not bringing you anything or asking if you want anything is a immature dick move. When he gets home from work take his car and have a YOU day/time. If you don’t want to spend time with her and be her mom then you need to leave.
You two should be a team. At 3 almost 4 she can pick up her own toys, put her dishes in the sink, & help clean up her mess.
In my past experience if he is sleeping on the couch something is up.
Also like Polly Workinger said he isn’t an adult yet. You’re enabling him.
He is not marriage material. I worry about you but more for your daughter. This guy is very selfish. I would not want to spend the rest of my life with him.
Her hitting the baby and having no respect is not okay. Him not doing anything is actually disgusting and a glimpse of your future forever. So i would really take a long at that. However, she will be your daughter once you guys are married. So it’s both of your responsibilities. Maybe she’s crying for attention. I would talk to her and see what is going on. Tell her the way she is acting is not okay and there needs to be consequences!
You are a jealous person and he is a jerk. That child deserves better than to have to spend time with you.
The child is probably acting out because she wants to spend time with her father and is not getting that. But I mean he is working 12 hour days. He has a right to be tired.
Also remember you chose this guy knowing he had a child, you are planning to marry him, she is also your responsibility
Fireproof Movie, Love Dare book or leave. Obviously he has an older daughter so hes done this before. If you’ve told him whats important and hes still not doing it.
I’m a bit bothered by your verbiage “she likes to be mean and hit the baby”. 4 year olds are not programmed that way. It sounds like Dad doesn’t pay her much attention when she visits. Do you get on to her when she hits the baby (as in yelling, scolding, etc)? At this age attention is attention, even negative attention. Which means that she doesn’t like to hit the baby, she likes that for a few minutes afterwards, the attention is shifted to her.
Know your self worth. What you see now is only going to get worse. Get the car fixed, somehow, find a job and start over and get his child support for the child you two have together. Playing those computer games continue for a long time. Marriage changes nothing…if anything it gets worse. You don’t need to pull the entire relationship by yourself. If you got to work that hard then just take care of yourself and your baby…with child support of course.
Maybe you should reach out to the little girls mom to let her know how uninvolved he is with her. Y’all might could sit down together and let him know that his little girl needs more dad time
Wow your complaining about a four year old making every day kids messes?? Are you serious? So you only clean up after your 1 yr old? Doesn’t sound like your ready to date someone with another children that isn’t your’s. I understand if it was a teenager but she’s 4!
He just wants a built in babysitter for his daughter while he plays video games I would definitely not marry him when his daughter is there make her pick up the toys and food and what ever else she played with and the next time you go food shopping don’t buy anything for anyone else but you and the kids and smash that game system
Your getting married to him so she is partially your responsibility also. Yes he needs to step up and spend time with both children. My so works long hours but still spends time with our kids, helps me when needed and even helps others when needed. He needs to grow up, life as a parent is hard work. But also you need to grow up too bcuz that little girl didnt ask for the situation she is in. Teach her to pick up her toys she is old enough. My 1yr old picks his toys up, throws his diapers away and puts his dirty laundry in a basket.
You need to give that ring back and move out before it’s too late. That’s a man-child right there and they never grow up.
He’ll treat you the way you allow him to. You need to figure out what you’re willing to accept and what you’re not. The sooner the better.
Are you upset because he doesn’t help clean up after her or are you upset that you have to help clean up after her? It sounds like you aren’t inclusive of his child. You referred to her as “his child” this entire post, even when you had the chance to say “your child’s” sister.
First off he needs to teach her how to clean up her toys when she is done playing or take the toys and hide them and next time she asks where they are you tell her if she can’t pick up her toys when shes done she can’t play with them. I did that to my kids and it worked. Second, I agree with the lady who said take your child and leave for awhile. Good luck.
She is four and certainly able to pick up her own toys. If she can dress herself and feed herself then she is not helpless. Maybe you could try and make a game out of her picking up toys or tell her she can’t take another toy out until she puts away the one she has. Age four is an appropriate age for a child to learn how to pick up toys, dirty clothes, etc.
And you wanna marry this guy 
sounds like you’d be raising him and his kid and ur guys kid, if he doesn’t wanna change I don’t think marrying him is gunna make you any happier 
I think that if you clean up after your own child that you should clean up after his too. I would definitely punish her when she’s mean to your 1 year old and put a stop to that immediately!!! As far as everything else, I have no clue why you’d still want to marry this man or even stay with him. The story on your headline was about his 4 year old, but you’ve got MUCH bigger problems than that! I know he works alot and that’s good, so he should have some play time, but not at your expense, or the children’s. To go get him food and not bring you anything!! Umm no!!! Sleep on the couch when he’s acting like a child!! Umm no!!! Y’all have ALOT to work out if you’re gonna stay with him! But don’t use his daughter as an excuse. If you’re with him then both children should be treated the same!! Good luck!
It’s your fault. When you get with a guy with a kid it’s both of your responsibilities not just his. If you accepted him with a kid you should have known.
He doesn’t appreciate or respect you. Have someone come pick you and the baby up and visit friends or family. He can have his alone time then and time with his daughter also. Maybe don’t have sex until he man’s up.
She’s old enough to learn to pick up after herself w her toys. Teach her where things go and be consistent with it.
He’s selfish and it’s only going to get worse. I would not marry a man who treated me like that.
First of all ,that man don’t love you. If he did , you wouldnt be on here with your problem asking strangers for advice. He should be your ‘go-to’ and hes not.
Secondly, that child is 4 , she should be taught how to tidy up after herself. It’s a good life skill for herself in the future and it teaches responsibility.
Finally, if you are spending the most time with that girl, do the right thing and teach her everything she needs to know to be a great woman one day. Who cares if her father isn’t contributing. At least one adult is conscience about the children. That is, if you choose to stay with a man who had no input in the relationship apart from him ‘getting his’ from you for his own benefit.
Realise the difference.
You have to learn to include this child as part of your family. If you intend to marry this guy you need to learn better communication skills.
I mean you want to marry this guy, you should be equally responsible for cleaning up after her as well. Once married she is your child too
Get out! It’s all up to you and only you to have a good life. Do yourself a favor and get out. It’s only getting worse and will continue to.
My son was that way with his kids him and his .first wife all they wanted to do was play video games it was ok when they were first married but neither of.them could keep a job they lived with me for a while she was lazy I worked all day long would come in no supper fixed she would say nobody layed anything out I asked is your arm broke she was suppose to.do the laundry were never clean towels then they got caught sleeping in the car with their kids and .pot on them I had the kids for six years now I don’t get to see them he promised me .he wouldn’t keep them from me I miss them so much.
He needs a mommy not a wife don’t marry that man-child!
You have to decide if you can live with a lazy mean man. If be doesn’t change can you tolerate him with calm and peace of mind. Do what you can in training the little girl. She is old enough to learn how to behave. It is time to reevaluate your situation. Can you live like this? You will be if you stay with him. He has no interest in changing and shows you no love or respect. Don t let it drag on. Time for a change one way or another.
I had a partner like that, then his teenage daughter turned up and I was expected to put up with her and she was as disgusting as him, they would trash the house and despite me buying alot of things for her she still was hurting the children in petty ways when she didn’t think I saw then would cry when she was caught out and I got blamed for upsetting the bullying little creep.
No end of drama.
It ended up being a good thing because he thought he would be able to live off me forever and I would be his slave/income.
If he is not going to help but put you down so you do his share then you will find what a wonderful thing it is to lose that deadwood.
I am so better off but at the time I felt like I had to put up with it, you don’t.
He won’t change and it will get worse.
Don’t put up with it
she is 4 don’t use her as a tool to vent or cover up what your real issues are in the relationship you speak about both children as if they are entirely different and separate people they are siblings,family
She’s a child, soon to be your step daughter, what happens then will you still make him clean up? She’s still technically somewhat your responsibility as well. You know what I do?? I suck it up and do it anyway
The father needs to stop being lazy and pay attention to his child. But as for you ummm “His daughter…its his time not mine” 
umm no no no its both of yalls time you decided to be with this man who already had a child so guess what she’s now your child too smh seems to me some of her behavior is probably not only a result of her dad not showing her attention but most likely you only showing her negative attention as the way you stated everything about her your making it pretty clear you find her as a inconivence that you dont want to attend to if he was helping or not you seem pretty disconnected from this little girl as you just call her “his daughter” smh. Anyway im not saying his behavior isnt bad either in that aspect tell him how you feel try to work it out otherwise walk away. No one on here can make that choice for you though.
Doesn’t sound at all healthy the way he treats you or that you’ve been in the child’s life for 3 of the 4 years she’s been alive and still refer to her “his daughter.”
Read your post very slowly, pretend it’s a friend of yours, now give her your advice.
Y’all are hypocrites! You say it’s her responsibility to take care of the girl too. Get mad that she referred to her as his child instead of claiming her, etc etc. But I guarantee if she had, you would be telling her she’s not really hers so she shouldn’t refer to her as such. And she isn’t married yet so she has no say in how he treats the daughter, or if she makes a mess, she can’t say anything to her. I’ve been watching y’all tear people apart for days.
I feel there is more to this ! The child is three yet they have been together 4 years 
I feel she resents that child hence “his child “ if your going to marry this man your going to become a mom to this kid too . On the other hand that behavior probably won’t change
You can’t make him grow up, if he is this way with you, I will bet he was with girlfriend #1. You have some hard choices. It won’t get easier or better.
He’s not gonna change…so u either accept him how he is now and put up with his bullshit…or u cut your losses and move on!!
A father is a very big part in any child’s life. He is her father as well as the one year old. But he should help with both not just one and so should u to raise children it takes two not one even when there are alot that do. Do it all by there self’s.
If you cannot deal get counseling
Both of you need to get the child to help in cleaning up
When is your day off answer when he is visiting with his child. My husband tried it with his three I told him they are here for you to spend time together I am not the nanny
Get rid of him now! He’s not going to change!
Please don’t settle for this situation or you’ll regret it down the line. Let him know how you feel, if there isn’t change you’ll still know you tried and can start moving on to a find a man that does appreciate you. You sound like a wonderful woman, don’t settle for less than you deserve.
Sounds drastic tbh n for the fact he has time for video games n not his kids is ridiclious hes an aduly not a child himself but at 4 i have 1 of them i honestly gave up cleaning all day do it 1nc shes in bed asleep now n that is now part of ur responibility as well as his but i would personnaly wait till he has a day off n leave him with both kids allllllll day so he has no choice he might look differently at things then if you do wana stay with him let him see what a full time job is with 2 kids sounds like he really needs to grow up
Get rid of his sorry ass and correct that kid of his don’t let her hurt your baby
I agree with Hillary 100% first of all the man is a selfish self centered man who is cruel vindictive and downright nasty typical narcissist. To say it’s all one family is ludicrous sounds to me like he’s using the situation to make it seem like he’s being a good dad when in fact all he’s doing is using you as a convenient baby sitter. RUN…RUN FAST…RUN FAR!!
You shouldnt of gotten w a man w kids your fault… Ur actually the ass here!! Sorry not sorry!! Shes 4 years old woman!!
Chances are it’s not just his daughter he doesn’t clean up after. You probably clean up after your one year old and him too. It just bothers you more because you see her as an outsider. You call her his daughter instead of your step daughter, like most people in this situation would.
This is your glimpse into the future, count your blessings and decide if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life.
You’ve practically been with him for his daughter’s entire life, and don’t think of her as even remotely close to yours? You refer to her as HIS child. And are mad that you have to do any mom duties and pick up after her or spend time with her? This entire post, is very petty and immature. You’re not ready for marriage or to be a step mom. Hell I’m not sure you’re ready to be with someone that has a child. I’ve been with my husband for 6 years(married 2) and even when we weren’t married and just dating, after we moved in together he helped clean up after my kids. Hes always referred to them as “our kids” never “her kids” he’d often spend more time with them then me. Just to bond with them lol. And when they go to their dads, his gf is there. She I’m sure cleans up after them. Calls them her kids as well. Spends time with them. More then him a lot. Doesn’t complain about them.
Bottom line. If he does not make you happy…move on to someone who does.