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QUESTION:
"My fiancé & I have been together 3 years now. He’s 100% an alcoholic & I knew this prior. However, he has improved with the amount he drinks up until this point. He used to drink two 30 packs of beer daily & be outrageous to deal with. Now he is down to 5 tall boys (125 oz total) daily. This is his limit. Literally a set limit. After the 5th he is a complete asshole (verbally & mentally abusive). I would be okay/tolerate 3 tall boys or even 4 but again he is miserable to deal with if he does not get his way so I get the 5 & save myself the argument each night. Soooo the past few nights the store I buy his beer at is low on the tall boys he drinks. I have gotten 1 six pack (16 oz cans) & 1 tall boy (25 oz can). This is actually cheaper & its 121 oz rather then 125 oz. He’s rude each night over having to “drink the smaller cans”. Tonight he informs me to “stop buy the small ones because he did the math like I said & it’s not the same amount of ounces. It’s 4 oz less”. This is absolutely insane to me that I’m hearing this bs. I inform him that the store has actually been low & it’s the same amount since he doesn’t drink the last few sips anyways for whatever reason. He says he doesn’t care & says “b*tch just shut up & buy stop buying the small cans”. I get defensive & repeat it back to him because it hurts my feelings when he calls me names & I never call him name. Not even during an argument do I call him insulting names. He then says “I’m a fat b*tch & to stfu. He doesn’t care”. (This is nothing new out of his mouth when he gets defensive) My issue is that we have had this conversation before about the naming calling & drinking issue. It does not change. His approach is always the same & it’s always a lose lose situation with him if he doesn’t get his way. Besides the fact that it’s just hateful it rubs me the wrong way because he’s always so entitled about it. He doesn’t work, I do. He doesn’t pay for anything. He doesn’t buy his beer or cigarettes, I do. I don’t like that he acts like I owe him when I’m reality he owes me. I care for our 4 children. I cook, I clean, I take the trash out etc. Any job you can think of I do. He plays a video game all day & still has the nerve to b*tch at me or talk down on me any chance he gets. It really breaks me down & hurts my heart. He used to not be like this & I believe he is really not that kind of person he is unless it’s related to drinking or he’s stressed. I’m just stuck on weather or not I should keep waiting & being hopeful he will improve more or just accept this is the person he is &; move on?"
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
"If he has no motivation to completely stop then there’s nothing worth staying for. He has to realize he can’t control it, so he has to quit all together. It’s so sad that you’re the one who literally does everything but yet get called names like… make it make sense. You’re the person who provides his beer and he still calls you names. I know you love him but please love yourself more and leave. You deserve so so much more."
"Leave. You don’t need him, he isn’t helping in any way. He isn’t working, caring for the kids, cleaning, etc you’re already doing all of that on your own. You don’t need him. Stop allowing him to abuse you. You’re enabling his behavior by continuing to purchase his alcohol and allowing the abuse to continue, and your kids are watching…they are going to grow up thinking this is what a relationship is supposed to be like, you need to get out of the relationship so they can see what healthy relationships are supposed to look like otherwise your kids will follow in you and your boyfriends footsteps…love yourself enough to know you deserve better, he isn’t going to change…especially with you enabling him"
"Run! I was in a similar situation for 20 years. Please don’t waste your life on someone who is completely disrespectful to you like that. Your kids are seeing this behavior in him. You will become very resentful and wonder why you wasted so much time and love on this person who says he loves you. Think of the example he’s setting for your children. RUN!"
"This is absolutely horrendous behavior PLEASE for the love of god leave him. As soon as possible. do not go back to him unless he’s sober and can prove he’s sober. You should not be taking care of his needs especially since he’s not contributing at all. He sounds like a man child"
"Oh girl you need to get out! Run don’t walk! You don’t owe him anything and it’s definitely going to get worse. It’s not fair to your children to live this way."
"Are you comfortable reaching out to a women’s shelter and learning your options, seeking counseling etc? The abuse you are encountering is still abuse. I’m glad you recognize that. I think you probably know the answer to your own question or you wouldn’t be asking, but are maybe a little scared. I agree with above, your children are growing up to think this is normal and you have the chance to break that cycle. It sounds like you are already doing it all on your own, you are just dealing with a grown up child with significant alcoholism. See if you can talk to someone anonymously, get your ducks in a row, learn your worth and decide what is best for you and your children. I hope it is to leave, but only you can make that decision. <3"
"Why are you settling for that behavior? You know it’s wrong or you wouldn’t be on fb looking for validation. Kick him out and start valuing yourself and what you bring to the table. Once you are there find your self someone who will value you as well. You allow the behavior, you are setting the tone. You are not responsible for his actions but you are responsible for yours."
"Get out now! Let him fend for himself. You need to think of your children and yourself."
"Get out! I was raised in a household with an alcoholic father, the alcohol is always their first priority. My younger siblings still deal with the trauma of his abuse 12 years after being away from him."
"Leave!!! He won’t improve till he hits Rock bottom n loses everything trust me I know it had to happen to my dad. Get your kids and get tf out seriously. This isn’t about you nor him anymore it’s only about the children and these poor children are living in an abusive environment which isn’t okay. If you love your children then u should know to leave this man. File a protection order if you have to buy gtfo"
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