Something isn’t adding up! Why would he be concerned about the children when two are already adults and the other is 17? I think he’s butting into her business for no reason, unless he thinks his child support is not going to the children and is being squandared. Are you willing to bring the children over to your place and deprive him of any reason to contact his ex? That would be living in the present! Are you that courageous to propose that to him? 
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He is still making his way through the 5 stages of grief and he’s only on #2 (anger). He still loves her. 
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That’s odd he definitely still has feelings for her, my man would be a dead man but he never talks about his ex thank goodness I’m a jealous person lol
Yall have been together 4 yrs and this is still an issue?.. Then it will always be one. If you dont want to leave him I’m gonna suggest you accept the fact You’re in a threesome.
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I think this is a huge red flag to hold off the marriage .It does sound like he hasn’t moved on and I would try therapy.
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Hes not over her. My ex did the same with me…to his Girlfriends…he always talked about me so bad…like I was such a horrible person…when really he wished he would have never messed our marriage up…and he would tell me that all the time…he wish he would have valued our marriage more and not messed things up…but his girlfriend(s)… finally realized what type of person he was…and he is now single…nobody wants him
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He gas not learned to let go. It doesn’t sound like he has moved on. In fact, it still sounds like he’s a little bit jealous. I’d think about this marriage.
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I dont have any great advice but I hope you find a solution. I know therapy worked wonders for me and my husband. I agree with all the other responses about not getting married until he can get over his attachment to her. Hope everything works out for you. Hugs
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He’s not over it, clearly. Their kids are grown. The only thing he should be concerned with is their children
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It bothers him bc he’s not over her. If he were, he wouldn’t care. His kids are pretty much grown, so it’s pretty obvious he’s jealous.
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Put the wedding on hold, go to counseling. He didnt even give himself a moment, you were there. Make sure you are the one he wants to be with and not the person that was there when he needed you.
Men sometimes make decisions out of guilt or not wanting to be alone.
I’m sure he would be upset if you was still focused on an ex…
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Yep he still is not over her and he is with you because you are his friend and support im sure. He doesn’t like to be alone but he is stuck on his ex. I was married 21yr. My ex was like that with me for yrs after our divorce. I could care less what he did or how he did it when we divorced because I was over him. He wasnt yet over me and he always was stuck on me and what I was doing. I dont recommend you leave him of course but dont get married just yet. He needs to be 100 committed to you and only you and focused on his kids not his ex. Best of luck to you.
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I don’t understand why they communicate anyway. The kids are old enough where it’s not about custody or child support. Literally no reason to talk to her or know her business. My advice would be to tell him to work on his issues before the wedding or there wont be one.
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Oh my gosh this sounds like my ex fiance. His ex Wife Heather is an amazing lady we still talk to this day. How ever when she an her man an his twin boys went on a cruise last year at this time he went in to total melt down. It got bad. I tried and tried but I just couldn’t do it anymore. I hope that you have better luck with your man than I did.
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Well, I’m gonna be the odd one out here and say it’s good he’s being open with you. I do think it might be his way of showing he’s not quite ready for another marriage, but wants to work on it. I know you hate to hear it, but if he were bottling it all in, it’d be even more harmful since he wouldn’t be being completely honest and real with how he feels. I think couples counseling would be the best next step forward, it seems you’re both unsure since he’s still stuck in the past and its hurting you and your relationship.
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You’re his rebound and he needs therapy. Idk why you would deal w this. Sounds like you’re both dealing with some codependency issues.
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They have kids he is always going to love her thats a different kind of love
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Think of it as enabling him if you listen to him. Tell him you are done hearing about her and leave the room.
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Why does he even know so much about his exs life and home? I’d give him and ultimatum. And I dont believe I’m them!!! Tell home I’m sick of hearing about your ex. I’m your wife now not her. Knock it off and act like MY man.
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You need to ask yourself if you can spend the rest of your life being with a man that doesn’t love you and still loves their ex. I personally couldn’t do it. He still loves her unfortunately.
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I would say from the outside, he probably isnt over her. However it honestly depends on the situation. If you want to try repairing the relationship I suggest couples counseling. Best of luck but don’t settle for less than you deserve and don’t get married until you are absolutely sure you are making the right decision. Marriage isn’t something to be taken lightly.
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He sounds like he despises her. Sometimes carrying that much bitterness becomes overwhelming. Especially if you can never fully get away from that person because of kids. Maybe he needs someone to vent that anger to, and like he said, you’re his safe place. He should try to avoid hearing about her/talking to the kids about her. If he brings her up, change the subject. Out of sight, out of mind (in time). See if he will try counseling before marrying him.
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Leave him there. Make him your past.
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Couples therapy… Give it a try at least because otherwise your best solution is to step away and let him go through this on his own
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I think he still has feelings for his ex wife. If he didn’t then he wouldnt be criticizing everything she does. Find someone who is gonna put you first and not be his second choice.
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You knew he was married and still decided to pursue a relationship with him? Sounds like this is your karma. He wasn’t divorced yet and you inserted yourself.
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Dump him … Send him home to his xwife
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He never got over her. I was in the exact same shoes as you. I then realized it wasn’t worth marrying this person who was stuck on his ex. I was with my ex for 6 years and I lived in his ex’s shadow for those damn 6 years. Deciding not to get married and move on was the best decision I ever made in my entire life. He’s with you because he loves you but he’s not in love with you ! He’s in love with his ex.
Look at me now Years later I am now married to the love of my life and I thought I was never going to ever find someone to love again.
I think you should call off the wedding and just think about your life and what you deserve.
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I know you don’t wanna hear leave him but ask yourself truthfully is it worth it? He’s still in love with her not just the memories and it will always be a constant fight with him.
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Yup. He still loves her. You deserve better.
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What do you mean is it worth saving? You said you weren’t leaving. Why even post this if nothing said will change what you’re doing? You wanted that woman’s husband and that’s what you’ve got HER husband. Be happy as a safe space because it’s all you’ll ever really be.
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I am not goi g to tell you what to do. Only you can make that decision. Why is he so involved in his ex’s life when the kids are grown? I ask this because my fiancee and I ha e been together 10 years and his other kids are now 21 and 22. They were never married, but together 17 years…there was some communication when they were teens but there hasn’t been any in years…so while I understand communicating when they’re younger…what’s the point now? Any conversation should just be about the kids. I’m sorry you are going through this and I hope you can find a resolution that is best for YOU 
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My ex done the same about his ex that’s why he’s my ex now .
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He doesn’t love you. If he did, he would not think about his Ex.
Truth is. I was him at one point. Before I met my husband, I tried being in other relationships but they were never successful. My ex (father of my son) had moved on, and I was still angry. Angry over his inability to love me enough to change but he did for her. So my topics were constantly about my Ex.
Once I started a relationship with my husband, he was a handful as it is. 
Of course it sounds wrong I stayed with my husband but he kept me distracted and filled a void that was never filled correctly. We grew into better people.
Now I spend some holidays with my Ex and his wife. Were at peace. We made amends from our mistakes.
Your fiance isn’t ready to move on. Your love isn’t strong enough to change that.
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Sounds like someone is having regrets
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You may well be his transition partner but will move on to someone else after his venting with you is over.
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You met him while he was still married? Wow.
He’s clearly obsessed with her and not over her. You need to tell him to stop talking about her. It’s been 4 years. Not like it was 6 months ago.
If you’ve already talked to him about this then he just has no respect for you and you were just a rebound. Do you really want to be someone’s second best? There’s plenty of fish in the sea
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Honestly hope you can see it but they are not babies who need mummy and daddy to hold there hand yet here is your man still doing anything he can to be involved and have an opinion about her most likely because he thought she could never do better then him and just like that she went and up graded her man his bitter because he thought he was the shit that got back fired and your left to be his ass wiper sorry.
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Give that man back to his wife !
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Oh man, I been there, sounds just like my past relationship, I found them texting, he was calling her baby, she got in a small wreck, he dropped everything and went to her, fixed her car, and I saw where they were laughing about texting behind my back, I broke up with him almost immediately! I put up with way more than I should have, the signs were there, Come to find out she was only playing along so he would give her money, (he had his kids all 3 “18 an up” living with us, she was living with another man) so anyway this crazy woman even called and tried to hook me and him back up, she didn’t want him it was all a game to her.
Anyway, my point, follow your gut! 9 outta 10 it is always right, you aren’t over reaching, he definitely still loves her!
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So he most definitely did not move on like you said if he is living in the past. Go to couples therapy and stop bringing her up. By asking what she would think is not helpful to your relationship. When he talks about her, listen to what he says and then change the subject like it is not important at all because ITS NOT!! Basically you are to ignore that she exists. If he proposed, then he needs to be present. Do not allow him to dwell. If
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I think they probably snuck around and hooked up again and now he catched feelings for her again.
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Talk about boundaries. Establish them. Hold him accountable. Have him see a therapist alone. He has a lot of healing to do. He’s still having trouble letting her go deep down and parts of him needs to process that with a therapist in order for him to heal and fully move on. Or he literally will not get married again because he won’t want to show her he’s moving on. Or he still loves her deep down and wants her back. 
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He brings her up talks about her and criticizes her and her choices often, even though their kids are all grown and what and who she does has no real affect on them… Yep he is not over her. After being with you for 4 years he should have been gotten over her and should care less who or what she does when she does it or why she does it as long as his kids are okay. His anger towards her should have become indifference by now the fact that it hasn’t says he is still holding onto feelings for her and over the divorce. I would suggest postponing the wedding and having him go to counseling to work through his issues because using you for that only hurts you
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Why is leaving not an option? It’s ALWAYS an option. Nothing more pathetic than a person who sticks around because of love. Love ain’t everything. Especially if the other person is clearly in love with someone else. Take a break from him and then you’ll see how he truly feels about you. Since he misses her so much, give him a chance to miss you…
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How is he even finding out about every aspect of her life!?? It’s actually creepy to me lol. Not only is he still inlove with his ex wife, but he’s stalking her too 
Fun fact for ya tho, a marriage that started from infidelity only has a 6% success rate 
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Your dumb for putting up with it. Obviously the signs are there. He’s in love with someone else and NOT you. You need to do better for YOU and drop him and go. Otherwise if you stay and keep it up, everything is on you and I won’t give any sympathy to you
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Hes a broken man. He loves her. He had a family with her. I went through this with an ex. I felt like I had to compete, do things better than her, to the point I was catering to his every need trying to find new things to do with him that they never did together. And even when she moved on, even had a baby, he still was all about her no matter how hard I tried. Yes your man is broken. And I dont see it any other way. You have been together for 4 yrs dealing with this. You are going to keep stressing it. You will always be #2. You will always be compared. Its crazy, annoying, frusterating and it will keep pissing u off and it hurts! Hes not ready to commit to you emotionally but only to use u as a crutch to have someone to talk to about his feelings. You cant fix a broken man. It never works. You are better off just moving on. Your marriage wont last long at all. He will still be stuck in this depression mode and u will get tired of it. So take that wedding money and get urself a new home.
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He is not leaving in the past,he’s madly in love with her. Seeing her with other guys is driving him crazy, my advise to you dear is hold on,on that marriage issue.
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I think he’s more focussed on her new life with a man something that maybe wasn’t there in previous years. I can imagine the kids are talking about the new man to him. I don’t hear that he’s still in love with her .m but perhaps somewhat unhappy with parts of his own life and seeing her happy is niggling him. Although I’d certainly ask him if he does want to get married. It’s hard living in the shadows, all the best.
You always want what you can’t have…guess he realized he can’t have her
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Your relationship isnt real…hes in love with another woman. Youre never going to be the one hes in love with. He will dream about HER, he will think about HER, he will want HER. You arent going to leave even though you KNOW this to be true…so i guess that doesnt matter to you. I can say this youre being used to not be alone, he may not intentionally even be doing it but its true. You could be married and his ex want him back and you couldnt count to 3 before he left you. No way id live in another womans shadow. its like youre just waiting for him to love you but that isnt going to happen.
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Your the rebound he needed when they split so he could “show” her he’d moved on 1st and because he didn’t want to be alone.
He is still in love with her it’s not just the memories.
Now that she’s moving on he’s jealous and it’s making him bitter about her because he wants her to be wrong for moving on.
It’s your choice to stay but you deserve someone who loves you 1st and not as a substitute.
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Accept being no 2 and you’ll be fine. People don’t change. You need to decide what you’ll out up with.
If it was me I’d take a break for a couple of weeks and see what he does. Better to do this before you’re married than after. But the choice is yours.
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I have fought for 24 years against the memories of my husband ex girlfriend.
To be honest, I wish I had never married him.
I am just now getting to where I realize I am good enough for someone to want me. Not a memory.
No matter how much I love him, I deserve to be loved. And he didn’t.
I am done and wanting out.
We got in a fight and I showed him his ex on fb.(he doesnt use it and doesn’t understand the capabilities) now he realizes what he lost for these last 24 years over mooning for her.
And she turned out way different then he thought.
Now he is trying. But too late.
So don’t waste your life and time on someone who doesn’t care about you and your happiness.
It is better to be alone and lonely. Then to be in marriage and lonely.
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“I think of myself as a rather patient and empathic person” …
No hunnie, you’re a codependent and, he is taking full advantage of that. He has feelings for her, and he moved on before her to try and, make her jealous … It didn’t work and, im pretty sure you’re the rebound, who is sadly more in love with him than he is with you.
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Plans of your wedding could have left him constantly reminded of the past. Maybe consider eloping(something neither of you have done?) to make your own memories.
It could just be a phase. Consider therapy, or a book to complete together with him about your future marriage. They have lots of books and worksheets for future spouses, a therapist maybe able to help with that.
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- he’s in love with his exe.
- the reason he’s talking about her and focusing on her is cause he loves her.
- leaving is an option, if you love yourself, and want to be happy it’s the option you want, otherwise when he turns cruel, and he will, you’ll be shocked and hurt, but you could have stopped it by ending it.
- learn to love yourself. You don’t need someone who’s stuck in the past, they don’t want to move forward, if you want to build a future, he’s the wrong man.
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I’m pretty sure you already know the answer to your own question and I’m guessing your friends have told you what most people have on here, hence the “dong tell me to leave him”.
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Girl he’s still in love with her…flat out, you shouldn’t have left a relationship to be with him, not to mention you said that you were there when he was going through his divorce…we’re you sleeping with him when he was still married, if so that’s why this is happening …it’s called KARMA!!
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All the red flags are there, he’s in love with her. You really can only blame yourself from this point forward. Knowing what you know, should be enough evidence that it wouldn’t be smart to stay with him.
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He hasn’t moved on. Either give it time and advise him to seek some counseling or move onward yourself.
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Omg he still loves her …he knows everything she does cause he keeps up with her…sorry this man aint marrying material…i bet if she said come back to me he would be out your door with bells on…sorry not what you wanted to hear but its the truth you don’t have his heart she does
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I still complain all the time about my ex (and I’ve been with the love of my life for 9 years)… and his gfs cause I get extremely jealous and mad cause my kid is around all that… I’m far from in love with him… honestly I also have hurt that’s still there that wont go away aswell… the stuff he did to me… every move he makes pisses me off… good or bad it doesnt matter… I’m still gonna complain and talk about it… it makes me feel better… so it doesnt necessarily means hes still in love… could also mean hes still hurt… or he honestly hates her.
Ouch, honey he is not in love with you the same as he is with her. He may need some alone time to figure out when he is without her. It sounds like he doesn’t know how to be without her, and you are just a stand in. Sorry honey.
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You deserve to be someone’s #1, not their therapist…
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You stuck by him through the divorce??
And that my gal is KARMA. You will live in his LOVE for her for the rest of your relationship. There are certain lines which must be respected and not crossed with the universe. Take this as a lesson, Get going, dont ever do it again. Do better. Be better.
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I was in His shoes. Sounds horrible to say but I think you are what he needed at the time but he’s not necessarily over her. I was with a guy and happy but not over my ex husband. My bf was a rebound for me I did not mean for that to happen but it did. I brought ex husband up all the time. Didn’t even realize it but it was bc I still had feelings for him. Not necessarily what you wanted to hear but it was my perspective on it. Hopefully that’s not the case with you.
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Been there he won’t change!!!
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Hes not over her. Just curious, you said that you supported him through his divorce, did you meet him before or after he left her? You left a boyfriend to be with him and you mentioned that he moved on from her long before she moved on. I only ask because of the old saying, you will lose them the same way you got them. It doesnt sound like hes over his marriage at all. Her moving on in her life without him is what’s eating him up inside and honestly if I were you I would just let him go. Let him figure out where he really wants to be. I’m sure that would be very painful, probably for both of you, but until he can decide for himself exactly where he wants to be he will always have that nagging what if in the back of his head. He’ll hold resentment towards himself and it will end up landing on you as his partner. He wont be able to give you the love and affection that you need and then you will start questioning yourself like you are now. Nothing is wrong with you, you obviously know where it is that you want to be but it doesnt sound like he does and until he does it’s going to be a very rocky relationship. I dont know your relationship so I could be wrong, I’m only giving advice on what I’ve read. I know you said you didnt want advice telling you to leave him but since you ended it by asking if it is a relationship worth saving, I would have to say that if you’re not both willing to try to save it then you shouldnt keep hurting yourself trying to make him see the things worth saving.
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He still loves her. That’s very obvious.
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Was he with her when you met him? We’re you the other woman? Chances are you were a distraction from him having to man up for his wife and now he’s bored.
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Wait… you said not to tell you to leave him because that’s not an option then asked if the relationship is worth saving??? Girl IT’S NOT!!! LEAVE HIM!!! Sorry, not sorry
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Rethink everything before go through with your marriage to him. Because otherwise he won’t change and still be doing this after the wedding.
A) so you were with him prior to the divorce. …first mistake.
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B) he is still in love with her and it will never end. Stay with him if you want but be prepared to never be fully loved.
The fact that you assumed everyone would tell you to leave him says something. You shouldn’t have started seeing him before he was divorced. You left your current partner for him. Sounds like cheating from both of you. He will do it to you too
Ask him point blank, “do you still want to fuck your ex wife? Cause I notice you can’t stop talking shit about her and usually when people do that is because they want what they can’t have.” Give him an ultimatum, either STFU about her or get the fuck out”. Put your foot down girl…
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That’s not normal. As much as it sucks to hear, he just doesn’t want to be alone but he wants her. You fill most of the void so he’s not physically lonely, but if he loved you and not her, this wouldn’t be happening.
I only read half of that. He is not over her, that’s why he is stuck on her. My advice… DO NOT MARRY HIM. You will always be living in that shadow of her.