Whenever we have her with us, she constantly asks when she’s going home, and if my fiance tells her that she’s staying the night with us she gets upset. I understand she probably does this because that has been her home for years. Grandma has been preventing us from taking her in full time due to this reason, his daughter wanting to live at her house.
I would like to add that I am not trying to bag on Grandma’s parenting. Although she is physically ill (problems with her shoulder and spine, having many many surgeries recently) and has an abuser in the household (my fiance’s brothers live with Grandma. The youngest brother, his temper and views on children are worrisome)
What could we do ? We want her here… My fiance gets so torn up about it. We’ve proven to be fit parents for our own children, neither of us see another reason as to why she shouldn’t be able to live with us… Please keep all negative comments to yourself…and thank you so much in advance, any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My fiance's daughter hates it at our house - Mamas Uncut
I was completely understanding the reasoning for his daughter to stay with the grandma until you said there’s an abuser in the home
My first question, why didn’t either one of them keep her when they split?
so you just want to hear everything you want to hear and nothing else . I’m sorry but those please no negative comments on social posts are kinda like saying I want my cake and eat it too did you stomp your foot and fold your arms while making your demands ?
Well if there’s an abuser… there’s already your answer. But really, if grandma doesn’t have custody of his daughter and she just lives there because she wants to then he needs to take his mother to court to get custody of his child.
If the father has parental rights he can simply keep her. You don’t need the grandmother’s or court’s permission.
You both have to make her feel comfortable enough to want to live with you because it just seems like she’s not comfortable at all.
Is there proof of abuse ? why has child been left there is there is ? So it was fine for her to be there until you got around to her now that you’ve decided times up she’s just supposed to uproot and move ? why was Cps not called at first signs of abuse in home why was she not removed at first signs of abuse. ? Seems like it was all ok behind closed doors until now SMH.
If grandma doesn’t have custody and dad does then you just talk with the child and tell them they are moving. You are the adults and parents it’s not up to the child. If grandma has custody get a lawyer
You say Your husband is torn up about it but imagine what a 5 yr old feels like. I think she needs to live with the grandma who has raised her until she is a little older and more comfortable. Your husband didnt seem to care enough to keep her before and he needs to put his childs best interest before his own
Does grandma have physical custody of her? How do you know brother is an abuser…assuming you have some type of proof…you may have to go to court to have her come live with you all full time depending on those answers. You need to keep this child safe if she is could be abused in anyway. Good luck
I’d say make it fun and have her over as much as possible. Make that transition happen because between grandmas health & the abuser, I don’t see many options.
That’s what happens when you let someone else raise your kid
I’m assuming grandma has full custody of the child since your SO doesn’t feel like he has a say in it. Your fiancé will need to get a lawyer and file for custody. There’s nothing you can do in this situation other than offer her a safe and stable environment when she is there. Also, if there is proof of an abuser in the home that can be used against her.
Could y’all try a day out with just her and give her all the attention and show her some love by herself. Really show her she is wanted and how much fun it can be to live there. 5 is a tough age for change and she’s going to need lots of reassurance that everything will be ok for her to be there. You could also try a fun movie night at the house and let her pick out some snacks and the movie.
If theres no written agreement and she just lives there, she is his child period the end, and i would call dcf and a lawyer get this stuff documented.
Maybe she misses grandma ever thought of having a sleep over or having grandma come live with you guys? I know for some it would be ideal but it would be a great help for your children plus she is old and shouldn’t be around abusers especially if they have anger issues
He can take his kid when ever he wants. Unless the state is involved. Kid needs to be moved in so she can get use to it
Does she have her own room? Let her help decorate and make it her space.
If the grandma has her and thats where she’s comfortable then why remove her? Clearly she’s there for a reason. 
Does she have a room of her own in your home? Does she maybe feel like she’s always visiting and doesn’t have her own space? I would suggest making sure she feels like she has her own space to hang her doodles, keep her toys, have her choose her own sheets w you both maybe alone time?
Was she placed with grandma by cps? Or is there a court order? If it was cps, you need to complete the case plan. Usually classes and drug testing. Call cps and they will set you up and file a court hearing so custody can be returned to you. If it was a guardianship hearing, you file with the court. You can go to legal aid to get help. If she has no court orders, she has no rights. And you can just tell her that your step daughter is coming to live with you. I would file for custody against mom. With you being primary and mom having visitation. Yes this will be hard at first but it will be ok in the end.
Unless the court ordered it he has every right to bring her home she has to adjust
So this child just turned 5 and has been with her grandma for a few years. Just out of curiosity, what was your fiancé doing during those years that he couldn’t raise her?
She wants to be there because that IS her home.
Did it ever cross you and your fiancé’s mind to get her BEFORE y’all started your own little family?
Just put yourself in that baby’s shoes. Y’all want her to leave the only home she’s ever known and all the attention she gets from grandma. Maybe y’all should get a child therapist involved.
Unless it is court ordered, bring her home and work with a counselor to enable her to adjust. Allowing her to go back every time she gets upset is enabling the behavior. It may be comforting, but it also solidifies that it’s okay for her to leave an uncomfortable situation everytime, even if it is safe.
Why is child there to begin with ?
I suggest starting with family counseling to talk about fears of change and the daughter’s thoughts and concerns.
Clearly this poor child has had no stability in her life. There was obviously a reason she wasn’t with her mother or father. Her grandma is likely her been her only stability/reliable person in her life. OF COURSE she doesn’t like leaving her. Do not rip this child from her abruptly. Seek professional help. I think there is more to this story that needs to be dealt with ….
The way you know how to parent mat not be how she needs to be parented 
I’m sorry… But who has custody of this child? If grandma has custody… Then you have a hot mess on your hands. If grandma does not have custody… Then somebody better pull up their pants and take the reins and take control of their child. That’s ridiculous
If she doesn’t have legal custody then go get her. She is five and will adjust. Make sure grandma has an open invitation to come visit and allow once a month sleep overs.
Ask the kid why she prefers grandma’s over your house.
Your husband’s first mistake was letting her live with his mother in the first place instead of raising her himself. Honestly, she has probably felt unwanted for the longest and I don’t blame her for not wanting to stay with him. He shouldn’t be in his feelings because he is the one that caused it and maybe he should try to understand her feelings more. It has to be confusing for her. He can’t just give up his daughter and expect her back later.
If grandma has custody you have to go through court but if not then she honestly has no rights to the child. But be prepared if you do move her back in with you she will probably misbehave for a little while because she’ll be confused and probably a little mad too about the transition. And she’s most likely acting like that because she’s young and like you said that’s her home so that’s where she’s most comfortable right now.
Maybe make a day with her just alone and show her how special she is and how much you guys want her there. Change is hard but once she has her own room
And everything she may open up more. Give it time. Keep trying don’t give up on little humans
The daughter is only 5 years old, she shouldn’t just be allowed to have her own way, ridiculous…Do whatever you have to to get custody of the child. She shouldn’t be raised with someone that has severe health problems and the Grandmother isn’t going to get any younger. To boot there is a son that has a very bad temper not a good environment for a 5 year old. Best to go through the proper channels to get this child, doesn’t sound like you’ll have a problem.
Rip the band aid off. Move her in with you. Take her to see her grandma regularly. She will adjust to the change.
If you can stay at Grandma’s with her and Grandma can stay at your place and gradually transition it would be good.
There’s so many details missing. Is your fiance her legal father? Who has legal custody? How did she end up in grandma’s care? Has dad paid grandma child support, bought any necessities for her, contributed to her care? Does he take care of her medical & educational needs? Parental rights do come above grandparents. If grandma doesn’t have legal custody he can just keep her. However she can sue him for custody. If grandma has legal custody her dad can sue his m for custody. Since the child has lived with her for a few years It can be an uphill battle. He abandoned his responsibility. Whatever his reasons he put something or someone above his daughter. That’s a fact, he can’t dispute that. He will have to explain, prove to the court that she is better off with him than with the consistent parental figure she’s had. Her being unhappy with you isn’t going to help either. Unless grandma’s health keeps her from providing a stable, healthy environment, food, clothing & other necessities you can’t use that against her. If these adults in the house have criminal histories or if you have evidence that they have harmed her that may go in your favor. But your finance will have to explain why it’s a factor now not when she or they began living together. If he knowingly allowed his daughter to live with an abuser for months or years without petitioning for custody he’s just as guilty as grandma. The judge is going to ask why this is a problem now but wasn’t a few years ago. He needs to hire a lawyer. A full investigation on both homes, every adult in the homes need to evaluated. Then the court can decide who is the best parent for her. Warning it’s not going to cheap. Also you’re risking this child being placed in foster care. For example if the brother is proven to be a threat & both sides knew it both will be charged with failure to protect. Both will loose her.
Where’s the bio mother? She will have a chance to come forward too. She also abandoned her responsibility though.
Your finances feelings don’t matter. Only the child’s interests matter. If she’s safe & taken care of it’s likely the court will keep her there for stability sake.
Who’s the parent here!? Who has legal custody?? So many questions? But number one who’s the parent?
Maybe she’s just a grandmas girl. Kids go to where they feel comfortable. Maybe she’s just more at home with grandma? Nothings wrong with that. Change can be hard
Reading what you wrote about an abusive family member being in the grandmother’s house maybe she feels like she is her protector and worries about what could happen to her when she isn’t there just saying it’s possible
Does she have her own room there? Full of her own stuff? Does her dad go out of his way to make her feel wanted & to spend time with her when she’s there?
Who has custody of the child ?
It sounds like grandma isn’t physically fit and there’s an abuser in the house …its not a good place for this girl to be.
Dad needs to step up and get full legal custody of his daughter .
Obviously it will be hard on the girl but she can still see grandma and an open invite to grandma to your home . Children adapt.
You need to gradually have her more and more, and eventually she will want to stay the night. The kid is only 5, I mean that’s a child. They’re just beginning to understand things at 5, like truly understand things. I kinda had the same thing going on, lots of emotions and decided it was best to have him comfortable in his home. DO NOT DO THAT. It makes it harder. So, have her with you all as often as possible. Make a room for her, if she doesn’t have one. Make sure you get her toys, whatever she likes. Make your home feel like home to her, and eventually she will feel more comfortable.
Google family law attorneys in your area. They usually give you a free consultation. Hire someone and go to court now for custody. The older she gets the more her opinion will matter. Find a family therapist to go to with her. They will give you resources to help the transition. She is your husband’s child and he should fight for her to live with him and be part of the family.
I know it sounds messed up but go through the courts if you want her to for sure live there. If there’s no court orders for the child then him and the mom should have 50/50 that’s how It is usually right off the bat. And like alot of others said have her there more and more often. The grandma isn’t in the best helath to care for her especially being 5 years old they’re alot to handle, also the possible abuser there too warrents immediate removeal from that home and it’s not safe at all for her to be there at all. Make sure you think about what’s best for the child that’s it put everyone elses feelings aside and do what’s safe for her. Another suggestion is make her her own space at your place. She would be super happy I bet if you took her to pick out stuff for her room and have her make her own space and she’s be more comfy being there. The only other thing I can think of is do fun stuff when she’s there and that doesn’t always mean go out and do something. You could always do crafts, play outside, board games what ever she likes really. It’d help her look forward to coming over.
Go to court. He is the father. She should be with him.
Why isn’t she with her mom?
Just go to court and file for full custody. It’s his child. Grandma is no longer fit so that is a change of circumstance.
I’m a bit confused. So when the parents broke up, they gave the child to the paternal grandma to raise. And in the mean time, he met you, and had more kids, while his kid was with his own mother? Make it make sense. Once it was established his mother was the primary caregiver, that should have been it. And why scream abuse now? I’m sure this person has been in the grandmother’s life for a while. Now you are concerned bow that the child is acting out. Baby should have been with dad off rip Once the ex left. This poor child suffering the consequences of adults. Watching younger siblings be cared for while she has to visit her dad from HIS moms house. SMH. Her father has a lot of making up to do. A vacation for years and everyone enabled him. Smh
Why didn’t he get custody when they split?
My youngest g is that way. He feel more comfortable and secure with his belongings and his room. He likes coming to visit. He’s not here long. And he’s ready to go home. No reason. Just a phase hopefully…
I grew up with my nan and granda. I had the best childhood and wouldn’t change it for the world. It broke me when they passed away which is something yous should think of. I’d say let her stay with grandma, but keep a close relationship with her, take her out, make sure she feels comfortable and don’t stop working on that
If he doesn’t have legal custody of his daughter then he needs to go to court and get that. Children are always more comfortable or almost more comfortable with where they have been living even if it is an abusive situation. Especially an abusive situations they feel the need to protect others. Even at a young age. You need to make a room for her so it’s her bedroom her toys and her everything. If you have not made a space for her in your home and told her it’s yours then she’s not going to want to move and you need to do this quickly and get her out of the abusive home.
Change can be hard, but face it, living with a sick grandma and angry uncle are probably not in the child’s best interest. Bite the bullet and reclaim your child asap. It only gets harder the more time that goes on.
Depends who has legal custody of the child. But tbh I would take my child and make her live with me… she’s is young and shouldn’t be making those decisions for herself yet.
Sounds like custody hearing needs to take place and grandma needs to be told to support the relationship with the child’s father
So why did grandma end up with her in the 1st place if mum didn’t want her why didn’t dad step in? Somethings not right if custody went to the grandmother what was dad doing at the time ? And now hes settled with you he wants custody?? Shes asking to go home to her grandmothers everytime she comes to your place so that tells you something, her grandmothers doing something right
Does grandma have legal custody? Is he on the birth certificate?
If she doesn’t and he is, grandma has no right to keep the girl away from him
Take her to court. Bring all of your concerns up. She’s 5… she can adjust if you guys get custody.
It doesn’t sound like grandma has custody. So dad can make her stay. Grandma’s house is,all she knows so of course it’s home to her.maybe the only mom she knows. Be patient with her. Maybe keep her a. Extra day gradually extend visits. Dont6 judge grandma she apparently loves her
Unless grandma has court ordered custody, stop letting her go over there. If she does have court ordered custody, you have to take her back to court.
It doesn’t sound like she is there because of a legal reason or because the courts agreed to this or anything it doesn’t sound like theres legal paper work period in which case dad needs to be a dad man up and take his kid!!! Circumstance change he is able and willing (maybe) She will adjust quickly specially at 5!!! If u dont do it soon she will stay living with grandma forever
Let her stay with Grandma she has raised her it be hard to get custody as she has been with her for 5 years
he’s the dad, grow a spine and tell grandma he’s taking his kid.
Definitely go to court to get custody. She’ll adjust. Good luck, mama💖
Who has custody? If no custody has ever been established and the birth mother is not in the picture or inconsistently in the picture, you could always walk up in the house and just take her and her belongings. She is HIS child. If Grandma has custody, you would have to take her to court to regain custody. With that being said, do not walk up in the house and just take her. Habit and routine is very important for children, especially at that age. I would suggest speaking to grandma and expressing the intention of having her move in with you. Assuming that your fiancé can provide a happy, healthy, stable home for the child, then start the transition. Start keeping her more, to get her used to being there. Make her comfortable. Make sure she has her own bed, her own clothes, her own toys etc. During this process, file a motion with the court for sole physical and sole legal custody. Whatever y’all do, make sure it’s in the best interest of the child.
She can’t beaking those decisions
So he failed his daughter for “a few years” aka her whole life, now he suddenly wants to step up but she barely knows him and doesn’t feel comfortable with him? DUH. Let her be happy with her grandma. He’s probably only suddenly wanting her to show off for you.
If there’s an abuser living in her home then your fiance needs to go to court to get full custody of his daughter then put her into counseling. Period.
She is 5 and doesn’t understand what is best for her. Most likely grandma gives her all the attention and what ever else she may want and at 5 thinks this is how it should be. If there is nothing stopping you from having her full time then you just need to bit the bullet and do it even tho she is going to be very difficult for awhile.
WHY doesn’t she want to stay at your house? start from there.
If you want her full time take her full time she will be fine, I should mention she is 11. Since your daughter is 5 she has no say over where she wants to be and she will adjust to the move. My husband decided that he didnt want to go against a guardianship thing over his daughter when we first met because his daughter would cry about it… here we are havent seen her in 8 months because the guardian… her moms mom. Doesnt want us to see her. And before people judge the situation she doesnt want us to have her right now because she got mad that she started losing control when my husband started talking to lawyers and getting this back into court
Take them to court get custody. Am a grandparent but grandparents dnt have any rights.
Explain to her that children live with their parents, that grandma has had health issues, and you love her and want her to live with you. But you’ll let her visit grandma.( The first month I’d probably keep them apart except phone calls). It will be hard at first, but easier at five than later on
Is there a court order stating she is to live with grandma
Dealt with this with my now husband cause his ex continued to drop kids off so once divorced my husband got custody he worked hrs away but lived with his mom on occasions once we married we moved all children into our married home its an adjustment but I explained to him your kids need to learn mom and dad’s need raise kids not grandparents I hope you get this worked out my kid was also the same age
He needs to step up and be the parent. And also acknowledge that he hasn’t been so far. It’s not about what a 5 year old wants, for starters. Get her home and let her do visits with grandma while she adjusts. Probably seeing a therapist wouldn’t hurt either. Give her her own space and help her feel welcome.
Obviously the brothers (her uncles or uncle) aren’t a problem or else she wouldn’t want to go home right?
If upsets child when stays then obviously the girl has a massive connection with the nan. It sounds like he’s not had much access if unsettled and no offence possibly the child is unsettled as at nans she’s a only child. Your partner maybe needs concentrate on that alone time with the kid to build her trust before contemplates uprooting her as she’s already obviously been uprooted from mum, she’ll probably not know if coming or going. But your partner been consistent and alone time I think needs to happen to gain trust show he’s going nowhere
Take it to court, that is the only way to ensure it is followed through and not changed
Does Grandma have full custody by court order? If not, Grandma doesn’t legally have a say. She is 5. She should be with her father and she will have to adjust. It’s your job as parents to help her do that!
First question is does grandma have custody? Or does your fiance have custody? If grandma has custody you will have to hire a lawyer and fight for custody. If your fiance has custody you shouldn’t have a problem keeping her at your home.
You mention you have other children… is she the only child at Grandma’s? Sometimes having multiple siblings to share attention and toys with isn’t preferable to being an only child. She’s five, I don’t know that I’d take it personally. If there is no set custody, it might be time to have one drawn up.