My first born has Autism and I am scared to have another: Advice?

Hello to all, can I ask a question, it might sound stupid to some of you, but I had to ask this; we (me and hubby) have been married for almost eight years, happy marriage, we have a six-year-old boy, who has autism, life for my boy and us was really harsh, his difficulties, meltdowns, ups, and downs has made us many times ask if we were doing the parenting right, we only have that one baby, but now we wanna try for one more, but we are really scared, how are the chances to be a parent of 2 if the first one is still very needy? How hard can it be? And also scared, I have had the first with autism, it has been so hard on him and us, that we still cry together sometimes… has someone experienced this?

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We have 6 kids. 3 has autism the other 3 don’t. After hunter was diagnosed with autism I knew I had a chance of having another child with autism. That didn’t scare me though because I knew God would take care of it. Life has been an adventure and a blessing. We also get frustrated with the doctors and the school, Bowne we keep on trucking. If you decide to have another child it is ok to be scared. Just love them for their quirks.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My first born has Autism and I am scared to have another: Advice?

I have 5 kids, the first 2 are typical kids, my 3rd is autistic, my 4th has adhd and a speech delay, and my 5th is typical. It’s not easy but my kids all have eachother.

My oldest, 8, was diagnosed with autism at 3. We were a little scared when we had our second but he doesn’t have it. And even if he did we would help him just like we do with our other son.

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I can’t tell you what to do, Honey. I will say that family dynamics tend to fall into place with the addition of more children. As long as your partner is on board for helping you deal with challenges, I’d say go for it.

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I have 1 after my 1st was diagnosed. It can be difficult but 100% worth it. It helped my son in so many ways. I was so scared to have her, but they love each other so much and I’m so thankful for them to never be alone in this world. They have each other and always will. And to watch the love they have for each other is something else. I didn’t know what I was missing until I had my 2nd.

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The doctor told me it was 50/50. I chose not to have another one because my son had more problems than autism. Do whatever makes you comfortable though.

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Hugs from another autism parent. This has been our fear since finding out we were expecting. Our youngest has autism while our oldest is neurotypical. All I can say is we are taking it one day at a time. My mom has 5 children (2nd and 5th) have autism.

I have 5 kids first adha second is my step sons has autism the 3rd who know possibly add hasn’t been diagnosed with anything yet the 4th I gave birth too she has autism and my youngest whom is 3 is being evaluated in Aug but i dont think she has it but will see she a good talk just needs some speech help not all.autism are the same my step son and my daughter totally different austim no different from the next person just the brain wired different that all austim not a disability its a different ability

I have 4 boys. My 2nd born has cp and is non verbal and wheelchair dependant. It is hard work but I can’t imagine life without them. You will know if you are ready and after all of the challenges you have faced so far then you can probably handle it. Do what you want when you are ready. Have faith in yourself

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Mental illness and autism tend to run in my family but out of six of us only two were diagnosed with asburgers and having other kids around in the house hold helped them greatly

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Had my son who was very ADHD and anger issues…I finally thought about another one after 16 yrs …he scared me to death!!..my son and daughter is 22 years apart…

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I understand your fears.

My oldest son has ADHD and is medicated. My middle son is speech delay but so far seems neurological. My youngest son has autism level 2. It is tough but they all play wonderfully and it is completely worth it to me. They are never alone and will always have each other.

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If you’re still crying and processing over the diagnosis, I would wait. It may be helpful to process that further with a neuro-affirmative counselor.

The odds of having multiple, neurodivergent children is high.

I would get involved with autistic culture and neurodivergent resources (check out neurodivergent narwhals).

Autistic individuals bring so much to our world. Many are scientists, counselors, teachers, researchers, artists, actors, etc.

The world without autism would be a terrible place.

Having multiple autistic and neurodivergent children can be an amazing, wonderful journey once you have the right tools, support, and accommodations. But you have to let go of neurotypical ideas of how your family should look and behave.

There are some amazing resources you can find with the actually autistic community.

Often there’s spaces to celebrate autistic pride and diagnosis.

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If you’re afraid, consider adoption

Please join some facebook groups/ pages ran by autistic adults. You will find lots of great resources. A great one is Actually Autistic

I have one son, he has Autism and I chose not to have another.

I would talk to your doctor and see what the chances are.

I have a daughter who isnt and had my son and he has it.

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3 boys… my oldest is on the spectrum and the other 2 aren’t!!!

I have 3. My oldest has high functioning aspergers. It’s challenging at times because he is more emotionally at the level of my 12yo than his age (17 this month) but we make it work

You got this momma! I have been in your shoes. There will be so many long days and trials to overcome, but their bond as siblings will be so strong! It will be worth every hard day. Sending you big hugs and prayers :heart:

My middle child is nonverbal level 3 autistic and there is a 4 year age gap between him and his younger brother. HE LOVES HIS BABY BROTHER!! He’s always wanting to give him squeezes or wants to touch his hair😂 there are day where his temperament is up and down- but he’s never hurt him. I believe having another baby was really good for him. I know it’s not always the case, but my experience has been very positive

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My cousin and his wife have two boys the first has autism and the 1 yr old does not they seem to do really well im sure they have bad days too I wish you luck super.momma

I have 4 bio kids and 1 step kiddo. 3 of my bios with the same person and all 3 have autism, his eldest/my step kiddo also has autism. Most times things like autism are genetic.
Life has its ups and downs for us with 4 in total with autism but we manage, I couldn’t imagine my life without them and the craziness of our lives.

One thing to remember is that he didn’t ask for this, he doesn’t understand that he’s ‘different’ a lot of autism is sensory processing issues, there are tons of things that can help with what we call ‘Grey days’ in our home. He sees the world in a different perspective, having an autistic child has been very humbling to me and has taught me a lot of patience. Please don’t be afraid to ask for help or ideas on how to help him. Never question yourself as his parent hon. You were chosen to be his mom for a reason, it’s hard some days, but I’ve learned sticking to a strict schedule and routine helps so so so much with temperament!

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I have a 11 yo special needs child and I am also scared to have another. Big hugs to you.

Follow findcooppersvoice she is on fb she is amazing as she shares the ups and downs of having a child on the spectrum. She also has 3 other children

I had a friend where her older brother had autism and she (the younger sibling) was always very resentful of all the special treatment, help, money and attention her brother got and no matter how hard she worked and how much she excelled she was always in his shadow of mediocrity. That’s just how she felt anyway and is one example

I felt this tons with my 3rd child. Have a adopted daughter who is special needs and then my son (first bio child after I was told I couldn’t have kids) he has level 2-3 autism and then my 3 rd she is bright and very smart and adapts well and has helped a lot with calming down my autistic child. My son doesn’t like his little sister but loves her if people get me. Now preggers with my 4th and hoping just the child is healthy because if will happen again than I guess I’m sent for them because I am strong enough to be their mother, I have 2 special needs and one I call my normie but she is amazing and awesome and is just as nuts and it’s a blast!!! Kids with disibilities rock!!! I don’t wish it upon them of course but they are so fun cause of how they see our world :slight_smile:

Check out finding Cooper. Is about a boy that’s autistic but the next three kids are ok.

When you have one child with with a mental/behavioral disability it is very likely your other children after will have some type of mental/behavioral disability. I haven’t experienced it personally, but I use to work with multiple kids that all had autism, one family chose to not have anymore because their autistic 9 year old was very violent and parents had a difficult time figuring out how to deal with it. Another couple had 2 boys a year apart both autistic, they were very close, but the younger more hyper brother occasionally would get over stimulated and hit or swing his back pack at his older brother and cause him to get very emotional. There’s definitely a lot of risk because you never know when a person with autism will have a switch and get stimulated. It can be extremely stressful and parenting is already stressful

I have 3 kiddos my middle is Autistic. My youngest who is 6 years younger shows no signs. We are expecting another one in less then 3 weeks I have this worry but our daughter is verbal struggles in some areas but excels in most so not as worried. We also here in my province have great help for autism. But I won’t lie I was terrified to go through all the struggles we did with her. But now at 8 I wouldn’t change my family for anything. Now my husbands cousin has 4 children and all have autism. It is honestly luck of the draw if you will. This is a decision you and your hubby have to make.

My son is in the spectrum. My daughter is not.

If it’s meant to be, it will be. You’ve been given this beautiful gift of being a parent, should you be blessed again and again would be a constant miracle in your lives.

I have 4 kids, the oldest two do not have Autism but my younger two both have Autism. They are on opposite ends of the spectrum though. There is a genetic factor to Autism but that does not 100% mean your second will have Autism.

I have 3…my middle child was diagnosed being mildly on the spectrum.it’s honestly not that hard my youngest is 5 months old. You just learn to adjust honestly

Unfortunately, that comes with being a parent. You can’t always expect the child you become pregnant with will be 100% “normal” . Did my parents think i was going to be a type 1 diabetic, with asthma, adhd, depression, and anxiety? Ontop of a whole other boat load of aliments? Of course not. Had they known, they probably wouldn’t have had me. But that’s the thing, it’s all unknown until you get diagnosed with whatever . It happens, nothing we do can change whether or not it happens. And even if they weren’t diagnosed with autism, they could have any other disability, being a parent you take on that risk by having children and you have to be strong through it if it happens. If you don’t think you can, than i definitely wouldn’t have another child.

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I have 2 children, 1 is asd, add & has anxiety. 2nd child has odd, sensory & adhd. The second child wasn’t planned

Ok I had 3 kids my fourth was autistic my fifth wasnt…you never no they r all blessings

I have grandkids with autism and they are one of my greatest pleasures

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Its 50/50 chance. My oldest is autistic. My 3 younger are not.

I know a lady that had 3 kids. First two were autistic 3rd one fine

I would not be so afraid of having another one I would just put a lot of thought of how it will affect your son. I have three children my youngest has sensory processing disorder along with being nonverbal and my two girls are neurotypical. We have decided that having another child would not be fair to him because he does not like crying or loud noises and he does not handle transitions easy. I’m not complaining I love my son and I would not wish my family any other way we just decided that he could not handle it. But that’s just my son, the spectrum is a very wide range and others can handle it well. Do not fear of having another on the spectrum, put his needs first before deciding :heart:

All three of my boys are autistic, my youngest is non verbal. Love can conquer all hurdles, we all have rough days but the pure joy of raising a child asd or not outweighs them all

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My first has autism but my second does not. My second is NT.

Unfortunately I don’t think there is an easy yes or no to this. Differnt strokes for different folks and there a gazillion different ways for yalls DNA to intermingle. I know that doesn’t help anything and I’m sorry. Prayers that yall find the right path.

Get genetic testing done on him if you haven’t before deciding, if it helps to ease your mind. My son was diagnosed after my daughter was born but after his diagnosis, I had him tested. His is not genetic, so no further testing was needed from me, dad, or little sister. I’m done having kids, but mainly because I don’t want to take more time from his needs on another child. That’s just my personal preference. He’s labeled severe asd and global developmental delay, he’ll be 4 next month.

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Genetic counseling would help a lot

My son is 4 soon to be 5 September 1st and he is a Level 2 on the Autism spectrum! He is not potty trained nor does he seem to become anytime soon and he is non verbal! We also have our daughter who is 3 about to be 4 in August And she hasn’t been diagnosed with autism, but she is delayed in speech and is not potty trained either! It’s definitely a challenge, but I absolutely LOVE my 2 babies and I wouldn’t change it for the world!

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I have three child my youngest baby has ASD GDD and Eplispsy my older two have not got Autism. It is not inherited.

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You should not even being asking these questions. Every child is a blessing and you should just love them. Just :astonished:!!!

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My husband is autistic and I have an ADHD diagnosis but pursuing a second opinion on an autism diagnosis for myself. We are expecting baby #2 in November. Our first born son is showing sensory issues and stimming, but there are so many resources than there were when my autistic brother and I were growing up. I kind of expected our kids to be neurodiverse, but that may not be the case for #2. I think you’re being responsible for thinking about this because some people can only handle so much and it’s okay. My mom stopped at 2 kids after my brother had so many complications and delays.

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I have 5… I have one who is borderline Autism Spectrum disorder and another who has ASD. Ironically those are #s 2 and 3. Boy and girl, each has very different attributes but we work through everything and I have managed pretty much as a single mom for most of my kid’s lives. Those two are 13 and almost 15 now. Its been rough but we’ve made it work.

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I have 3 children, my middle child was diagnosed first, and it was difficult at the time, especially as we were completly clueless! I worried about having another child incase they too were autistic, but life had other plans for us and indeed he ended up being diagnosed too by the age of 3. Then a few years later my daughter was diagnosed too! I wont lie, its been difficult, and now my eldest 2 are 15 & !7 and starting to think of the next stages in life for them i am terrifed for them, the big wide world is scary but it will be what it will be. We have just gone with the flow over the years and will continue to do so. A routine helps alot, facebook support groups are great, and time for yourself is very useful! Whatever happens you will figure it out,you just do somehow xx

My first born had Autism 2nd born advanced.

Like everyone else with experience, it’s a toss up. The likelihood that another child will be ‘on the spectrum’ is actually high but the statistics of a second with autism are low. I strongly suggest doing actual research and speaking with your child’s doctors as well as a geneticist. It can be genetic (as in my family) or a fluke (possibly your family). We as moms only know our educated experiences and that likely has nothing to do with your experience. We’re all here to support you regardless and likely have 10000s of additional support groups and links. No one needs to tell you love them regardless, you have that… Many of us have “hacks” if you will to make life go more smoothly and enjoyably. We’re all happy to share.

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My first born has Autism and I am scared to have another: Advice?

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This might be a great group to join if you aren’t already in one lots of great mommas with helpful tips and advice

My son is six with autism and honestly it depends on the child. My son has his moments of being incredibly hard to manage but overall he’s easy going and we have an almost 2 year old and a new baby coming tomorrow and he’s really good with his sister. He helps throw away diapers and pick up her pacifier when she would drop it, and now that she’s almost 2 they play together. My 2 year old daughter doesn’t have autism and I was scared about it too because it’s so hard having a child with a mental handicap. But I promise it’s worth it :purple_heart:

Can I recommend a page? Maybe it can help in a way. FatheringAutism

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I’m in the same boat! My daughter is almost three though. I cry myself to sleep more often than not because it’s just so hard. You see your friends and family members with kids who are hitting all of their milestones. Then your child is so amazing and wonderful and wouldn’t change even one hair on their head but they are so challenging and it seems they aren’t progressing. I want more kids but I read that chances of having another autistic child when you have one is high. Not that’d it bother me it’s just so hard especially finding sitters to care for them! I, luckily, have a great one❣️
Good luck and if you want another one, go for it! God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle.

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From autism speaks:
Research suggests that autism develops from a combination of genetic and nongenetic, or environmental, influences.

If u want another have another. Kids are challenging as it is but I can see where autism would be more of a challenge with 2. Play 2 his strengths with a new baby. U never know it might make him calm down a little bit getting 2 help with new baby stuff. I let my oldest help pick out baby bedding, diapers, clothes, walkers ect even got her some new books about a new baby from amazon that might help u.

I have 2 boys with autism. One is 18 and the other is 16. I’ll be honest, it’s tough but it’s different for everyone. As they got older a lot of their symptoms disappeared. They don’t get upset when we go shopping or go out on outings. That’s thanks to the schools they attended. Each week they would go to a store or fast food restaurant and they helped tremendously. Like I said it’s different for everyone but for me it got better and the more help you can get from the school or talk to someone who has kids with autism, it’s a bit easier.

Don’t be. Chances are higher that you’ll get struck by lightning on your way to cash in a winning lotto ticket, than having 2 with autism in a row.

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Follow Finding Cooper’s Voice! Her first child has autism and she has had 3 more after him now! You will learn so much from them! Wonderful family!

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Momma of 3.
My oldest is on the spectrum.

He loves his siblings.
There are definitely times were i feel like my two youngest get less attention because we spend so much time supporting our oldest.

BUT its worth it.
When his little sister came along, i think teaching him became eaSier.

I’m an preschool teacher and I can tell you that the majority of my families that have a child with autism have previously had or gone on to have typically developing children.

My oldest is on the spectrum & it drives me crazy when people say they’re scared to have another kid cause they may have autism too. Like it’s the worst thing in the world? We had a second child and he’s healthy happy & happens to not be on the spectrum but we didn’t care either way. It’s difficult at times sure but it was before too. If you want another kid have another kid. There are worse things in this world :woman_shrugging:t3::woman_facepalming:t3:

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My brother and his now ex wife had a son. He was autistic. Then two years later they had another son. He’s also autistic. Two years later they had a daughter. She is NOT autistic. Two years after that, they had another son. He is autistic.

I have two autistic kids born 11.5 months apart and considered moderate and severe… their dad didn’t find out about his autism until a year or so ago and I may be on the spectrum myself. Its genetic. This isn’t a fluke of nature it is a neurological difference. If you aren’t the autistic ones in the bloodline is could be that eccentric uncle and so on… autism is not the end of the world and yes its difficult to handle at times, but remember you aren’t a victim of your child’s diagnosis and neither is your sweet child, they are merely having difficulty navigating a very ableist world that in many cases violates their senses. A dive into the autistic community shows a distaste for organizations like autism speaks and some parent run pages that vilify the diagnosis. Many find it dehumanizing. I’d suggest watching The Reason I Jump on Netflix or reading the book written by an actually autistic person. If you choose to join #actuallyautistic groups please keep in mind these are safe spaces for autistic people and it’s better to read and educate yourself before jumping in and posting. Behavior is communication. What will help you connect better with your child is educating yourself on reasons that may be triggering the behaviors you find to be difficult. I found the best place to do that is autistic lead groups, not groups of parents complaining about how “autism won” that day. Yes there’s chance you may have another autistic child. You may also find out you or your spouse is also, as is the case for many families.

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My husband and I have a 5 year old little boy who is autistic and we are trying for baby number 2. Yes there is a 50/50 chance that his sibling will br on the spectrum but that means God has a plan in place.

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My first one does not have autism but was VERY difficult. When I got pregnant with my second I cried the whole time terrified it would happen again but the second baby was the calmest, sweetest, easiest baby ever! Now I have 3 working on #4 :grin:

Not sure if this helps at all, but my older brother has autism and I do not.
He’s truly my best friend and my whole world.
Prayers for you and hubby :purple_heart:

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I think it differs from family to family. My oldest is 5 and he’s autistic. His brother is 17 months and we are due with a little girl in December. Going from one kid to two was hard in general but as my bigger one gets older it does get easier. You will figure out what works for you and your family. Best of luck to you mama

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Jessica Alderdyce maybe you can help answer?

I have 2 kids with autism. And I am done having kids. It is hard but really worth it. My kids do fight constantly and when I say constantly it’s all day and night except when they sleeping. It’s hard but there is ways to help them. We use to have my kids in therapy but had to cancel because of school but there is OT they can do to help also. I only wanted 2 kids but sometimes regret not having 3 but I am glad I only have 2 since they are a hand full. Some kids are all different so one can be autistic and one not.

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My first has an official diagnosis of sensory processing disorder and pervasive developmental disorder 11 months later had another child who’s nuerotypical. Love them both tremendously and love how different they are. I found my youngest taught my older one a lot especially helped him with speech!

Five kids here…two of which are autistic and the other three aren’t. Is it hard? Sure, but you know what else? They’re the biggest helpers of their own choice with the younger kiddos, I get more snuggles and loves and all those fun things that you get to enjoy longer with autistic kids in comparison to Nuero regular kiddos. I have all girls and boy there are some overwhelming days but they’re so many fun days of creating and exploring and learning. I invested in a craft cart of all kinds of crafting items with diff textures, they have fidget toys and sensory toys and that makes a huge difference. My girls with autism are amazing with babies and boy do they love em…to the point where they have been trying to dictate to my uterus that they’re demanding it produce a chubby little baby brother :joy::joy::joy: you can make it work mama, just gotta find what works for you. Plus it’s a lot easier when my older two are gone for most of the day at school during the school year

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I was in a similar situation. My first born son is autistic. I waited 7 years and had my baby girl. She’s not autistic.

I say don’t get in your head about it… Do what feels good in your hearts :smiling_face_with_three_hearts: and if you are worried talk to your doctor and maybe talk about the chances? Have faith :blue_heart:

I know at least six families off the top of my head who have more than one child on the Spectrum. among those, not every child that they have is on the Spectrum.

is it a completely different set of challenges? Absolutely. So was your first child on the Spectrum.

but there is no guarantee that any other children of yours will be “typical” neurologically, mentally, developmentally, or physically.

what if your second child is born typically but then it turns out that they are diabetic?

if you know in your heart that you do not have the emotional, mental, Financial, social, and every other resource to raise another child with special needs, there is nothing wrong with that

for example I was going to adopt ( well, my ex-husband and I). We knew that the baby had been exposed to drugs in utero. However, had the baby been born addicted to drugs, we would have had to back out of the adoption. Not because our heart wasn’t in it, but because I do not have the health to raise a child with that many needs. If I gave birth to a child with a lot of differing needs, that would be one thing. But I did not feel like it would be ethical or responsible to deliberately take on responsibilities that I wasn’t physically, socially, or financially prepared to handle. that baby deserved the best life we could all give her. and I would not have been the best choice. ( thankfully she was born perfectly healthy. We still did not adopt her, but for completely unrelated reasons. ( it would have been an open adoption and the mother realize that it would be too hard on her emotionally to have the baby living so geographically close. She chose an adoptive couple literally on the other side of the country))

the decision to have or not have a child is very scary.

only you know what you are actually prepared to handle. and if you know that in spite of the different challenges of having a second child on the Spectrum you do have the resources, ability, support, and heart to do so? don’t let fear tell you no

I mean, I highly doubt you would have chosen not to have this first child had you known ahead of time they were on the Spectrum. Why should it be any different for any other children?

at the end of the day, examine your insecurities. Examine your lives. Examine where the fear is coming from and go from there

but fear is never a good reason to make a decision

My friend has had 4 kids and only her last one had autism . But there is always a chance maybe talk to a doctor for more of a accurate chance. Autism is definitely hard and ever child is effective different so even if the 2nd one has it they might not be has bad or could be worse. Just know you are doing what you can just being a parent to any kid is hard work

Why don’t you both do some gen testing to see if that will calm your minds… Either way a child Is a blessing from God.

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My first has autism and my last 3 are not on the spectrum at all. He was really needy, took a lot of our attention, but having the second actually helped him some I think.

Personally I think every child deserves a sibling, and I think special needs children deserve it even more. That sibling will be a best friend your child never knew they needed.

I have 3 kids and my middle child is my only autistic child she is 7 my youngest is 2 and honestly it’s hard but the bond they have is amazing and totally worth it

My eldest son is autistic and my younger son does not have it.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My first born has Autism and I am scared to have another: Advice?

This is best answered by your on/gyn.

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Oldest grandson has autism but his little brother loves him. Some fights just likes all siblings but our family would not change anything. His little brother understands meltdowns and try’s to cheer him up. They are ages 6 and 4 and best buds

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My friend has 3 autistic children. They are very mild. She wouldn’t have it any other way. They are successful in life. One is still in HS. The other two have jobs.

They have found genetic markers linked to autism. If you and your husband had the test run it would at least allow you to know if it is possibly something genetic your future children have a greater chance of having or if it was just a random incidence with your first born

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Try for a second baby. I’m not a mom but I will say this, if you 100% knew that you can’t handle the possibility of 2 kids with autism a second kid wouldn’t be a thought in your head. It’s going to be hard weather or not the 2nd kid has autism but you will be able to handle it. Don’t hold back cause your scared. Go for it

It’s gonna be hard no matter what. Just remember that your normal is different everyone else’s normal. My oldest is level 1 and my 5yr old is level 3

We are 2 for 2 with ASD/ADHD. Each kiddo also has other diagnosis.

It’s chaos but I don’t know anything different.