My friends partner was caught talking to another man: Advice?

A friend’s partner of 8 years was caught talking to other men online. Although he came out as bi to her at the beginning of. The relationship he said men didn’t interest him as much as women. He watches straight porn that she’s seen on his phone, which they are open about, and this is the first time he’s been caught talking to other men. Once he was caught, he openly said he wouldn’t have come clean had she not caught him, and it’s the second time he’s done this in their relationship. She said his reason for not telling her is because he feels ashamed to have these thoughts. They have children and are immensely happy. It’s a fact he’s lied that’s upset her, and the fact it was hidden - they’ve always had a transparent relationship. They have children and have recently bought their first proper home, so there’s a lot riding on it. The love is still there on both sides, but she’s worried they can’t fix the trust issues that may come with this. I just want to be a good friend to both of them, especially her, but I don’t know what advice to give.

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My friends partner was caught talking to another man: Advice?

theres nothimg wrong with being bi…the urges are there
…im bi and my hubbz is bi

Sounds like he is wanting to be with a male to. Would the friend be ok with her husband having a side dude.

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I would butt out - and I’d tell her I have no interest in giving advice. It’s not your monkey and it’s not your circus

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My advice is stay out of it…

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Whether or not he is bi, he was dead wrong to hide messages whether it be from a man or a woman. If she is not okay with poly relationship then he needs to figure out what he wants and not go around sneaking behind people’s backs just because there are urges.

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If he was chatting someone up catching feelings it’s wrong, if he was doing things behind her back, he had bad intentions and it’s wrong.

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Just because he’s bi doesn’t justify the fact of him lying and going behind her back. Lying is lying and cheating is cheating.

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No matter what advice you give, they are going to do whatever they choose, and there’s a chance they will resent you for interfering with advice. Me, personally, I’d stay out of other people’s marriages.

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Rather than advice just be a listening ear. Sometimes it’s more helpful to offer a place for your friend to just bitch and rant.
That way you don’t get stuck in the middle if you say something you shouldn’t.

Just be there for your friend only they can decide as a couple if it is something they can get past.

Man or woman. Doesnt matter. And being loyal has nothing to do with the fact that hes bi… he lied. And is talking to other people… id be upset.

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My advice…not your monkey not your circus

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I know it sounds crude! BUT, it sounds like he wants the Taco, but would like like a little wiener on the side :open_mouth:

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They aren’t happy if he’s entertaining others

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Stay out of it you have to let your friend make her own decision

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Unless she asks stay out of it then if she asks for advice you can tell her how you feel but I wouldn’t be pushy at all about it because this is her relationship her problem and no matter what you say she’s going to deal with it her way

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my advice is Take out of people’s Marriages or relationships… Its up to ur Friend to make her own decisions.

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If he was sneaking behind her back that’s a problem!!! and he obviously has an urge to be with a man so the marriage is not going to work. That would be to much for me :grimacing: … And I would have ran and never looked back. Just being honest…

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Don’t give them any advice ! ! ! Let them figure and work it out themselves …

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I think it’s wonderful that you are just trying to help your friend and I don’t agree with the “just butt out” comments. If your friend came to you with the problem and is asking for support and/or advice. Give your honest opinion on what you would do in the situation but end it with “but I am not you, and every relationship is different.”
She gets a different perspective and the support from you she is asking for but you also make it known that you are not telling her what to do and you still love and respect her regardless of her decisions. That’s what I do for my friends and honestly I have maintained my friendships for 15+ years. 🤷 it’s a thought. None of us know these people. Only you do. Best of luck :blue_heart:

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He is certainly mot immensely happy if he is talking to any men !!
This is none of your business But be there for her if & when needed Listen

Tell her to go to a local marriage therapist. They have to find a way to talk about this. There’s literally nothing you can do other then give her a safe platform to discuss her feelings. You can’t fix this for her.

Definitely would just stay out of it. Because I’ve been in the position of being asked for advise and ended up as the bad guy because they weren’t suppose to talk to me about it. Not your issue just be there for your friend and support her without weighing in with your advice or opinion.

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Suggest marriage counseling and therapy. That’s truly all you can do!

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If he was truly happy he would not have done it. Bi or not. He’s a cheater get out while you can. Have pride in yourself and respect

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Apparently they aren’t happy if he is looking somewhere else.

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Think maybe he should look into counseling for himself to see what is he really seeking in life .what kind of parter he wants be it women or male.for her the trust is broken.they need to figure out whats next for their marriage.once trust is broken very hard to get back if at all.

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Grow up he is cheating

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If he doesn’t have any experience with men he might just be overwhelmingly curious. I think that she would need to do some soul searching and decide if she’s open to allowing him to explore that side of him with open communication and guidelines. Or if it’s a hard no. And whatever she decides she needs to communicate that with him and let him them hopefully decide to not cheat but to respect her wishes either way. If he can’t then game over. All you can do though as a friend is express your opinions and ultimately let her decide.

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Couples counseling is worth a try.

“Just asking for a friend “:rofl::flushed:

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Love doesn’t mean a damn thing if he’s seeking someone outside their relationship multiple times. This time, she caught him. What about next time? Clearly the impulse control isn’t there and she’s right to worry and not trust him. Ffs, he TOLD HER he wouldn’t have told her if she hadn’t found it. How many more red flags do you need??? She can’t catch him every time, and this will only escalate. How open are they in communication if he is hiding this from her? If he’s hiding this, what else is he hiding? No wonder she doesn’t trust him. He’s on self seeking search and destroy mission, and he’s going to bring her and the kids down with him. This is not going to end well if it continues this way.

I would stay out of it. Just be there if she needs to vent or what not but you can’t really give advice on something you have never been through. Ultimately they need to figure it out.

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I think monogamous relationships are doom to fail. If he has a side piece they can have fun together. Why are women so jealous?

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Don’t give advice. Just listen.

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He likes men. She can never be a man. Stay good coparenting partners and leave it at that

That relationship is over, if he was happy he wouldn’t be talking to other people. He will never stop doing that to. She will be miserable in the end. Sorry

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My friends partner was caught talking to another man: Advice?

I personally would wait until they ask for advice. I’m from the lgbtq community, if he’s unsure of himself, give him time to figure it out. He said he’s ashamed of it, and that’s a lot to deal with. May I suggest just being an ear for both of them if they need to talk. I don’t know how to word this and not sound rude or judgey,
When it comes to trust issues, it’s best to just let them work on it slowly. The more people involved, the harder it will be to rebuild.

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I would honestly let him speak to men to figure it out because fighting with yourself on who you are isn’t a good feeling. Yes she will be hurt, but what happens if he does this again behind her back, actually meets with a man and experiences that aspect of himself and realizes that it’s now the other way around, he likes men more than he likes women? just because he watches straight porn, doesn’t mean he likes women more or he’s more interested in women, it’s very easy to focus just on the man or woman in a video and not the whole thing. I feel like he needs to be more in touch with the thoughts of him with men because obviously they are too much for him if he is sneaking behind her back trying to speak with them.

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It sounds like they need therapy not a nosey busybody telling strangers their private business…

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So just to be clear, being bisexual doesn’t mean you dip your toes into both pools at the same time. If he’s wanting that, and is still happy with his wife and wants to be with her, but is also wanting to involve a man into his life as well then he is likely looking for a polyamorous relationship of sorts.

Either way they need to discuss it and work on it together, especially if he is ashamed of his attraction to other men. That could be from outside influences from family and friends, making him worried he won’t be accepted and loved and lose his children etc.

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She’s already messed up there not married has kids bought a home together that’s a rule breaker never ladies never ever put anyone name but yours on something if you are not married and don’t even do that that if you had it before the relationship

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I’m bisexual and never in my life would I talk to females just because I’m interested in them as well unless I had my husbands okay. They definitely need to sit down and have a talk. If hes curious, then that may bring up different problems other then just talking in the future. If shes not okay with him doing it she needs to let him know and put her foot down about it.

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I had a friend who was dating a bi sexual man and she totally accepted him for who he is. He has been in sexual relationship with men and she knows but he did basically what your friends husband did and it broke her heart. To her he cheated so to me your friends husband is walking a fine line of finding himself and cheating. If he doesn’t hide it and is open with her about it then I wouldn’t call it cheating but in this case I feel like the trust needs repaired because the wife feels cheated on. Your not nosey for asking this. I understand wanting to help. Obviously you are accepting of his sexuality and care about them both so I think you’re a good friend but in this case I probably wouldn’t speak on much and I say that because I wouldn’t say much myself because I don’t have any idea what it feels like to not know who you are inside and I’m sure it’s probably confusing for him and he never meant to hurt her. A lot of straight people think if a man and woman are married and the woman sleeps with another woman it’s so hot and cool but in reality it’s cheating. Same sex relations do not make it not hurtful.

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okay, but what is meant by “talking to other men”? Because some people think it’s cheating if you are simply speaking to somebody that you might conceivably someday have a sexual response to

some people lose their ever-loving Minds if in a heterosexual relationship, their husband gets a text from their female boss. boyfriends break up with girlfriends because they got a ride to class from a male student

if he is talking to other men because he is trying to connect with other bisexual men or heterosexual men to try to figure out his sexuality? Is none of your goddamn business. His sexuality journey is his own

if he is flirting or somehow going out of the agreed boundaries of their relationship, that is one thing. But there’s nothing that indicates that. Everything is indicating a bisexual man or possibly bisexual man trying to figure out their sexuality

keep out of it

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That’s between them I’d stay out of it. They need 2 talk it out by themselves. He was up front 2 begin with so if curiosity is getting the best of him he needs 2 talk 2 her personally and she can either go along with it and try new things or let him go and get it out of his system. If he finds more about himself than he even knew they may have a better relationship between the 2 of them but again I’d stay out of it and just listen 2 their worries. that’s a deep personal issue on his part and no trust on her part means the relationship itself won’t go anywhere. U can’t truly be happy with someone else if u arnt happy with urself. I wish them luck. It’s ok 2 want 2 be there 4 ur friends but unless they ask I wouldn’t get into it.

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If it’s in a sexual manner, it’s cheating

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It depends on what she’s okay with. The is confusing because it says everything g is great there happy, but clearly he’s not or he wouldn’t talk to someone. And he’s never done it before but now twice In the relationship. Sounds like he’s screwing up and she’s making excuses. Which is understandable nobody wants a broken heart. But she needs to figure out what she really wants and needs.

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Why does it matter what sex he was talking to? He’s entertaining people outside of his marriage and thats cheating.
Idc who he’s attracted to, he committed to ONE woman and should be faithful or she should leave.

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I think that he is in denial, he wants to explore and this is something that is in him! This will not go away and this will not make their relationship better! The friend should start having periodically stds tests if she was to stay in this relationship! Many people hide in the closet and do their thing away from their home! She needs to sit down and actually think about all of this! As a friend you need to talked about the possibility of him banging guys on the side and him using protection with her as well! Last thing she wants is to get any disease as well as a broken heart!

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He needs therapy to come to grips with his sexuality before he can be a good husband and father

Honestly you should stay out of it, not your relationship not your place to get involved. If your friends ask for advice I would suggest just letting them know you support them whatever is decided.

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It sounds like he is ashamed cause he would want to be with man but he is with her. He may love her but not be in love with her. They should really talk about eachothers needs and wants as we only have one life to live. We should learn to be happy in our own skin. Does she love him enough to want him to be his true self?

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Why are you telling all of there business to everyone

Monogamous relationships really prevent someone from exploring themselves

It still amazes me when people just come to comment negatively. :roll_eyes:

In my opinion-If your friend brought this up to you kind of looking for advice than bless you for being a good friend to her by trying to post here to get others experience.
Having said that, you ARE being a good friend just by being there to support her wherever/however possible. I don’t think any amount of words you could say will make anything better but obviously hearing others’ previous experiences may give her more insight.

Now to the topic at hand lol I think It’s going to take therapy and rebuilding trust. If she can’t learn to trust him, she needs to leave IMO. I know it’s easier said than done but It’s better to hurt for awhile and eventually find someone new (or not) and be happy vs. staying in a relationship that has no trust and be miserable. Not to mention children learn from their parents. Jealousy and trust issues tend to have a trickle down effect. Life is too short to settle for being in a relationship where there is no trust. Regardless of his sexuality, the bottom line is, he is married. Your actions aren’t just about you anymore they effect the family as a whole. Yes, he is his own person but that means making decisions by himself that are only going to effect him and talking to your partner about the ones that effect the entire family. That’s like going out and buying a new car without consulting anyone on where the finances are or what kind of car everyone else would be comfortable with long term. Yes, I understand him feeling ashamed to talk about it… but wouldn’t that be better and less hurtful than just reaching out to other men… like what was the end goal there?

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Her hubby is basically in the cheating area, just because he’s bi, just because he only allows her to see him looking for straight porn… Just because it’s other men, unless she gun hoe for an open relationship your man wants to cheat, embarrassed by his desires or not, if this were another woman there’d be no… And him admitting he’d never tell you HUGE RED FLAG. Even if she’s cool with open… It’s being done without your knowing, without your consenting to that type of relationship… All this the love is still there from both… Stop lying to yourself, love doesn’t cheat, lie, hide, at least not the type of love you base your life around, the in love you need to make it. The deception is enough, & twice :joy:, to know she headed for a damaging road. There is nothing wrong with being bi, nothing wrong with being attracted to men, nothing wrong with poly if that’s for you… But there is something wrong with lies!

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My friends partner was caught talking to another man: Advice?

She hasn’t established boundaries w the bf/babydaddy. He’s lied to her twice, that SHE KNOWS about. He shows her who he is everyday. & she accepts it w her milk & cookies. He’s clearing CHEATING. Whether it’s gotten physical or not. He’s emotionally cheating. For some, that’s far worse than the physical aspect of it

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You can’t really give any advice.
She is “still” there tolerating his behavior.
That tells you everything you need to know.
And it tells her partner, everything she “will” tolerate.
Her boundaries are crystal clear to him … she DOESN’T have any!

He will only go as far as he is allowed to, without it costing him that which he is willing to pay.

If that means the relationship, his family, and lifestyle … and he is willing to risk it ALL … then the risk will be worth it to him.

It appears they need to make some mature decisions.

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this an act…do not fall for this and comment… to all…

Sounds like she is giving him a lot of latitude by not expecting him to resist his appetites for others after all that is what marriage is supposed to be a commitment. She needs to set the bar higher and expect more out of him

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Sounds like he is cheating…whether it’s a man or a woman he still is cheating…

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It wouldn’t matter guy or girl.Its a trust issue & a form of cheating.Just listen & be there for your friend.

Really??? Just “asking for a friend”??? :joy::joy::joy::joy::joy:
That is too effing funny!! Good luck to you and your family ok? Smh!! Lol

They are obviously not happy. He wants out but feels stuck. Stay out of it.

THEY are not immensely happy. She is, and he’s trying to keep her that way.

If he was immensely happy, he wouldn’t be looking outside.

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My friends partner was caught talking to another man: Advice?

Get spicy, not stagnant! There are definitely ways she can fulfill the desire he has that has him peeping at the grass on the other side. Be creative!

In my opinion, he is not immensely happy. If he was, he wouldn’t be sneaking behind her back talking to other men…either way, their relationship is their relationship, and you should definitely be a friend to her, but stay out of their business.

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I would certainly question the immense happiness…
I would question it less if he didn’t lie. In some way…he feels that he can’t be transparent in this area and that tells me…he’s suppressing feelings somewhere.

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None. Stay out of that

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Tell her that you love her and that she can reach out to you whenever she wants. Then just make sure that you are available for her and that you support her. As for the relationship, stay out of it. You can’t make her decisions for her.

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Stay out of it. I’m openly bisexual and my husband knows this and has no issues if I flirt with a female or talk to one. As good friends as u guys may be ur best bet is to not get involved in the marriage part between them

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He’s already had a taste of of other men and apparently he likes it, probably his getting married and having children are his ways of covering up his taste for men

I’ve learned that no matter what you say, they’re going to do what they want to do at the end of the day in their relationship. The only think you can really do from where you’re standing is be there for your friend. Be her shoulder to cry on or journal to vent to. Be her friend. That’s the best you can do!

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I would tell her to tell him to not be afraid of his sexuality and to be open and forthcoming about it because all it does is leads to hurt feelings. Perhaps maybe he needs a little more exploratory sex in the bedroom and a little more kink on her end ie. prostate massages butt play usually when men stray to other men and they are bi its not because they are gay its because they are lacking a little kink in their life. If he continues to stray to other men then I would openly question his sexuality. There is nothing that she cant do to satisfy him that a man can not do to make him stray. That is unless he does not love her and he is gay.

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There is something she just can’t give him and she needs to tell him she understands that. Maybe he’ll be more honest about it then.

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His sexuality has nothing to do with it. Would it matter if he was caught talking to other women? Probably not. He’s either committed to her, or he’s not. Which it sounds like he’s not, and like he said he wouldn’t have told her if he wasn’t caught. So it will continue. Sounds like she needs to move in and find someone who will be committed to her. Otherwise, she is setting herself up for the same thing to continue happening.

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This is not a fb issue this is a go tonthe counseling issue

Well there is absolutely nothing wrong with being Bi. He shouldn’t feel ashamed with that. I would however have issue if I was her…because he was talking behind her back to other people…being bi or because he was talking to a man instead of a women doesn’t give him the right to go talk to someone else behind her back. He broke her trust which is the real issue.

My advice to you…stay out of it…not your circus not your monkeys