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QUESTION:
"I know I have made mistakes and I already have a ton of guilt so telling me how wrong I have been is not helpful. I have 4 & 5-year-old boys. I never wanted to spank them… but my husband didn’t agree. He didn’t listen to me or read anything I tried to get him to read. And we were really young parents and very busy also. Not that it’s an excuse. But we started spanking our kids. I finally got through to him about gentle parenting and he is realizing that spanking is wrong and it’s not working. But I feel so guilty and I feel like we created a bad relationship with them. What would your advice be for us, who have spanked our kids in the past, and tried time outs, but want to fully change our parenting techniques? We talked to our kids and apologized and told them we were wrong and we won’t be spanking them anymore. We are having constant power struggles since we welcomed a new baby 8 months ago. I know now that spanking causes children not to trust their parents and can lead to mental health problems. How can I fix this?"
RELATED: My Spouse And I Have Been Arguing About How We Should Discipline: Advice?
TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
"We sat our kids down and talked about rules and consequences. Then we asked them to help come up with a list of what their consequences would be and reward chart."
"100% against spanking. As parents, we are learning too and at least you recognized that it’s wrong. My boys are the same exact age and I know the frustration you must be going through. For us, time outs work and give them time to cool off on their own. Also, keeping your kids busy with activities really helps. Have them wash dishes, fix your pantry, make you dinner with play-doh, play doctor, etc…I have tons of free ideas and activities you can do. Every day my boys are doing something to keep them busy and avoid them fighting with each other. Also, I’ve learned that with power struggles it’s best to negotiate to give them a voice too. Feel free to PM me, I’d love to share my experiences."
"I do time in which is instead of sending a child to their room they get to help mom with something of mom’s choice or dad’s like help mom plant flowers, help mom with dishes. Also it’s good for the kids to know what is expected of them."
"You did what you could do, which is apologize. You’re doing so much good by apologizing to them. Most parents don't think they should or need to apologize to their kids, but you just taught them a valuable lesson in apology. All you can do is keep saying you’re sorry, show endless amounts of love, and keep sticking with real discipline. I have also been doing gentle parenting, I’m telling you, it works SO MUCH BETTER than hitting your kids or yelling or whatever. Trust me. It takes a while, but it’s worth it. Don't let anyone tell you hitting your kids is okay because it's not."
"Give yourself some grace. The important thing is that you’ve acknowledged your past mistakes (which we all make), you’ve apologized, and you want to do better. You will make more mistakes in the future and do or say things that aren’t so gentle because this way of parenting is hard, but your children need to see your imperfections anyway. They need to see how you handle yourself, how you regulate your own emotions during the hard times, so they can have an example to learn from when they make their own mistakes."
"Honey. Just love them. Unconditionally. Let them know it’s okay for them to make mistakes. And that you both will work really hard to find reasonable ways to punish them, as in making sure the punishment is related. Ex: too rough with toys and they break, has to take a break from toys. If you have a tiktok account, follow mamacusses. Honestly. She’s helped so much in changing my parenting style and it’s done wonders for my relationship with my kids."
"Make rules explain the consequences to them and Follow Through! Example: pick up toys and put them away. If they don’t with one reminder then you put the toys in a plastic bag and put them in the trunk of your car. Even if they beg. Do this with all their things. No arguing, no raised voice. Rules, consequences actions. Then it’s up to them. Keep all snacks out of the house. Make it a special treat that they have to eat before they get home. God bless you"
"With the new baby in the picture, try getting the older ones involved with shower time or playing with the baby time. Or, when doing something with the baby you can say to the older ones things like “when you were a baby I did this to you too.” And give them stories of when they were babies."
"I didn’t spank my children. My parents didn’t spank my siblings or me either. It was consistency and still having consequences, which worked pretty well. I think it’s up to the parents. Guilt for not being perfect is a waste. Doing our best is all there is."
"Girl you haven’t broken your relationship with your kids or their mental health, they are still pretty young being 4 & 5, but I know that guilt & awful feeling after spanking your kids, because I use to do the same when my boys were around that age, and that’s why I stoped. Now they’re even 16 & 12, they love their mama, and their mental health is fine. Keep your promise not"
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