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QUESTION:
"I find that every night I wake up because my thoughts aren’t helping me sleep. I have 2 beautiful boys and my husband does help out. But sometimes/most times I’m at a loss. Im expected to do all housely chores, work, I do all the projects and homework, I set up everything for everyone from diapers and desitin to school snack and uniforms. I work at the school my boys attend. My oldest unfortunately spends most of his time in my class doing his work. All I do is work and do things for this family. How is it that because I on top of all of that don’t have time to just play with the boys. I’d love to but I’m making sure not to forget anything. Mind you I’m ADD and it’s very difficult to stay on a task at a time I take a bit longer to do certain tasks. I don’t go out with gf and party and drink or smoke. Or hang out a gfs houses. I just work and work and deal with my responsibilities but nothing is enough. I’ve also been told that I do not spend anytime at work with my kids mind u I spend the entire day with the oldest practically and check on the little one every chance I get. I make sure they aren’t missing anything. So here’s the issue my stress level is very high. I suffer from panic attacks. I feel like my SO/ husband doesn’t see all I do. I mess up something and it’s all don’t make excuses. If I’m making milk for my kids bedtime routine and the something happens in the living room while I’m doing that and preparing the oldest ones snacks . This man assumed I was focused on my sons cartoons and not paying attention my phone was in my bedroom too so ruled out. He says I’m making excuses. And that how come he can’t take a calm shower. Im like i ear standing up most days. I shower with my little one most days. Where’s my peace. He has never hit me but he will scream and bring up that I’m lacking as a mom and that his attraction for me has decreased because I’m missing things in his opinion in my mothering. He yells and gets pretty red. Im at a loss i really don’t know what else am expected to do. Also the stress of not being able to have time to work and lose weight has me flustered aswell but I don’t lose weight with stress it becomes worse. It’s like I’m expected to be mom Barbie who’s like Mary poppins. Not sure if I’m wrong but geez I’m a teacher I work all day and then come home and I’m always with the kids. Im not sure what else can I do as I can’t even please this man. I’m confused if he loves me. Im confused because he works from home all day all alone in front of the computer. I don’t I work with 15 4th graders and have my two boys with me all day there. So I’m wondering am I missing something. All I do is work. I can’t even make me time. And to get us time. Idk why I feel he provokes situations to avoid these. For 2/14 I wrote him a card lovely message and it was sitting on the table all day. He came to read it 2/15. I’m trying but I’m not super lol I’m not fast I’m not my oldself flat stomach could wear anything. I’m a mom. But I’m struggling to find peace. I’m waking up every night with the thought that maybe he’s just tolerating me for the kids but it’s a put down. Like if I’m incapable or have an incapacity to do certain things but I do it all. If anyone of you can clear some stuff up for me. To ease my mind. Sometimes I just think I’ll never be good enough what is good enough. He didn’t always bring up my faults. I’m trying within my efforts. I do come home exhausted but still do everything where’s my excuses. How am I making excuses if I do it all. My kids have their clothes. My kids get fed and have their food. My boys have toys. They live in a clean home some weeks I clean better than others. Maybe if I was housewife. But I can’t stand not making money and have to depend on a man. I e been working since I was 17 years. Never stopped. Sorry for the vent but I need to know I’m not crazy and maybe what I can do to change his perception."
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
"Ooooooo, I had this problem as well! Fortunately, I was able to figure out a way around it and help my husband fix his BS, but it does take need him to be willing. I will be short with my advice, but it will be pretty blunt tbh. Don’t give a crap about what he says, and ignore his yelling. That’s the first step to take bc it will help with your mental health, understand that you have a right to be confident enough to know he is wrong with that crap and you aren’t going to listening to lies. Secondly, understand that even though he is not physically abuse, this is a form of abuse and needs to stop. At first, I was understanding, but eventually when it didn’t stop I got nasty about it. (Understand that I was confident he would never strike me, though.) I told him “you will shut your mouth the next time you have something negative to say about me, I will not listen to it any longer as nothing you say actually helps anyone except your own selfish desire to feel superior. The next time you do decide to open your mouth and spew nasty things about me or the children, I will go out of my way to make you regret every word you spoke. You will no longer have any say in how I run things until you get up, get active with the home and family, and start to respect the others who live here. Until you make the effort to do that, zip it.” I did not yell, but said this calmly so he understood I was no longer playing around and his crap was no longer going to be acceptable in my home. Until he can do what you can do, he can shush it. I have adhd and autism, so I understand completely how hard this exact situation is. Eventually, after I said this, he got mean for a bit. I always stayed calm and never gave into his crap, as that behavior is crap. Later, I ended up asking him that if he didn’t like how things were ran, why he didn’t get his butt up and do it himself? This type of behavior is usually a symptom of men who are unhappy and depressed, so understand it will be hard for him to understand he is being so abusive and toxic, but also remember that it does not excuse his behavior and he needs to grow up. His opinion of you DOES NOT justify your worth, and it never will and never should. Plain and simple, you work your a$$ off for your family, have made sacrifices for your family, so your worth has no ties to how he may feel about you in any moment. Final point: DO NOT be his therapist, nobody has time for that. He either gets professional help if possible and you see him making an effort to change, or you leave him. It’s a rough point of view, but that type of abusive behavior is inexcusable no matter the past or reasoning. He needs to do better asap, bc you deserve better. P.s. make time for yourself if possible by having the kids go to their friends or family members homes, and then just go eat by yourself or smtn. A husband is not there to define your worth or happiness, you define that yourself and deserve high levels in both categories. Good luck! P.P.S. darlin, if he EVER hits you, you have 2 options. Take photo evidence, and run with the kids to family and never go back. The other is not one I would reccomend since you have kids, but my policy has been “the price of hitting and abusing a spouse is a hospital trip”. You got this, and he either understands or loses his most valuable aspect of life. Put the ball in your court."
"You know the answer to this one. That’s mental abuse and it’s worse then physical abuse. If you think you can live this way, then stay with him. If not then leave. No one deserves to be put down."
"Get yourself into therapy. You are carrying a huge load and need something for yourself. As far as I can tell you are doing an awesome job for everyone but yourself. You need to understand what your husband is doing to you and how to deal with it. By the way, tell that fool where to go"
"The marriage needs to be over. He is gaslighting and narcissistic. Believe me, I know from experience. Better to leave now than suffer any longer. You only live once! They don’t change and it only gets worse."
"He will never change- you will leave when you are ready. Just remember you are already doing it all by yourself"
"Instead of asking yourself what more you can do, ask yourself what more HE can do. He’s home all day. He can run the washer and dryer and fold and put the clothes away while he’s working. He can play with the kids while you make dinner and then he can do the dishes so you can play with the boys or get them to bed. Sounds like you need to pack a bag and leave from work on Friday and return late Sunday night and see how he feels about how much you’re doing versus how much he’s doing."
"Honey sometimes nothing you do is good enough for the person you aren’t meant to be with. If you truly think you are meant to be sit him down and tell him how you feel. If he loves you hell understand and you both can work on making things better. If he doesn’t want to work on things and you can’t be happy together eventually all the stress will effect your kids and they’ll feel the tension. But in my opinion most guys don’t realize all the little things moms do. But best believe the one full weekend I left my husband in charge he realized how quick things can get out of hand or missed."
"Honey, there’s nothing wrong with you. He’s an asshole. It’s time to find a lawyer, file for divorce, get custody of the kids, child support, and throw his narcissistic butt out. If you have to do it all yourself, all you’ll be losing is the criticism and the headache. He’s verbally and mentally abusing you. You don’t deserve that. Throw him out or take the kids and leave."
"You have to settle your mind that on some days your enough is actually enough and be ok with that. Take care of you and your children. He is a grown man. You are his wife not his mother and maid. He can either step up or step out."
"Here’s my take, for whatever it’s worth. If I’m going to be working and doing it all alone, I’ll be alone. So many better men out there that will willingly help out and make sure your needs are met as well. Meaning take care of you, mind & body. Whether it’s a take today off and enjoy a spa day or I know it’s been a rough day, let me give you a massage. Those men are out there and you deserve one. Here are some books I encourage you to check out: Fair play by Eve Rodsky, This is how your marriage ends by Matthew Fray."
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