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QUESTION:
"I am 27 years old 2 kids and in a 11 year relationship with their father, I met my husband (we’re not legally married) at 16 we had our first girl when I was 21 and our 2nd a few years later. Since I met my husband I stopped hanging around friends and he was all I focused on. Fast forward to now. I have 0 friends. I work from home so I’m in the house 24/7 the only time I’m not home is if we all go grocery shopping or to target. I wake up to get my daughter ready for school, make her lunch do her hair get her dressed and walk her to school. I come home cook for my little one and clean before I have to go to work, while I work I still have to attend to my 3 year old by the time I get off my daughter is home from school. I make the kids some food and dad gets home and tells me how tired he is from work so I try to keep the kids out the way. I normally bathe both girls and get them ready for bed. I read them a book and I have to lay in their bed in order for them to be able to fall asleep. Once they are sleep usually their dad is sound asleep by then as well so I clean up, do the dishes, wash dry & fold clothes And watch some Netflix. I have no time for myself to breath if I go to the bathroom my kids knock on the door and ask what I’m doing. I normally have to shower when everyone is sleeping and even then I can’t be long cause I fear my kids will wake up crying or something. I don’t even have time to cry in the bathroom, I tell my husband how tired I am but he makes remarks like well you been home all day and it really hurts I can’t ever go anywhere by myself without him timing me. If I’m gone longer than 2 hours I come home and he has a attitude. My mom lives a couple houses down and I only see her maybe once a week just because I don’t want to deal with him having a attitude. Don’t get me wrong I love my kids more than anything I just never have a break. My husband doesn’t see how exhausted I am cause “I’m home all day” and he’s out working. I don’t have friends I can talk to about things that bother me, I don’t have anyone I can talk to. I’ve been feeling real down lately not wanting to do anything, no motivation to clean or cook but I have to cause I’ll hear some kind of smart remark from him."
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
"You don’t need a grown man timing you, You may be home but being home with kids is a 24/7 job alot harder than his “work” & he can’t stop you or give attitude for seeing you’re mum. He needs too grow up & help out. If that was me I’d show him where the door is with all his belongings. His being selfish and childish."
"Unpaid labor is still labor. Draw up a list of everything you do and put it with what being paid would make you. Like how much a chef, nanny, maid etc would make in a year and total it up and say if he doesn’t want to help he can at least pay you for what you do. But also, he’s clearly a narcissist. Leave him. What’s he doing that’s any good anyway? Why stay? He’s not helping with the kids anyway or around them so how could the kids be sad by an absent father actually being absent? Rather than watching their mom do everything for a POS man thinking that’s what a relationship is.Do you want that for them too?"
"Get a new husband because he’s obviously not appreciative of all you do."
"It’s real simple tell him to help you with the house and kids or get out. You are raising 2 kids by yourself so you don’t NEED him. You need to let him know that. Tell him he is making life hard not easy and that is not what you signed up for. Tell him yall are partners in life sharing responsibilities equally or yall can co parent separate. If you are having to do it all yourself you are better off without him. You don’t need a 3rd child to take care of you need a partner that is going to help lighten the load not add to it."
"I’m sorry you are going through this. As young mom’s we tend to lose ourselves. Everything you were describing sounded like you just needed to do something social until… The part where he belittles your feeling of being tired and being angry for getting time for yourself. That my dear is called being controlling. He has you where he wants you and does as he likes. You can try couples counseling sometimes that’s all it takes as long as the other person is willing to try. Also are you ready to do something for yourself? Everyone is different so depending on what you like. I know sports has been something that help me get out there and meet people. If he refuses to watch the kids maybe your mom can do it."
"Girl you are young and deserve more than this. No grown man should be timing you, you are a grown woman who should be able to move and live freely. Just think if this was one of your daughters saying this, don’t let them grow up thinking this is acceptable from a man. Leave him and be happy."
"Sounds like my toxic marriage I just got myself out of with my narcissistic ex. Leave. It’ll be the best decision you will ever make."
"Honestly, I wouldn’t put up with that. I’d tell him I was done. You are both providing financially for your family. So the other stuff needs to be divided. Even if you weren’t working he should help. They’re his children too. Considering im sure you make him food and do his laundry and so on, you’re taking care of him and everyone else. There’s no sense in taking care of a grown man too. If he isn’t going to help then he should go, then you’ll only have to focus on you and your babies. If anything it’s one less person you have to care for. Sorry you’re dealing with that."
"Um… you need to run. Not walk away from him. He times you when you leave the house?!! You are being controlled. Not ok"
"Start doing things for you. Take the kiddos to moms and just sit and visit. Dont look at a clock! Take ur time and visit if u have to make dinner at moms for the kiddos. Start doing u and see how he likes being ignored. I’m not saying leave him. I am saying start living for u. If he doesn’t want to help with the kids get a sitter or take them with u. Even if u sit at a park for 2 hrs while they play go get some fresh air. Change ur life style up until your happy."
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