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QUESTION:
"My husband doesn’t take me out or plan anything. In the 5 years we’ve been together, I’ve always had to plan things whether that be date nights, birthdays etc. I always have to be the one who says “we should go out to dinner” or anything like that, and he will agree, but if i don’t take action it will never happen. I threw him a big expensive 30th birthday party and got nothing two years in a row for my birthday. I’m not expecting him to spend all this money on me or throw me a massive party but for once i would love for him to plan just one night out for us. It’s not about material things, it’s about the thought and him wanting to take me out. It genuinely hurts my feelings that he can’t do something so simple for me/us. I’ve expressed this to him multiple times even in tears over the course of our relationship. I feel like every year that goes by nothing changes. I’m tired of having this conversation with him and feeling like I’m not worthy enough when i go above and beyond for him. Why do I have to plan everything? When i bring it up he just says “i’m not good at planning things you know this”, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. I feel unheard, bored and lonely in our relationship. I just want to feel wanted and for him to show me off like the prize he says i am. What gives?"
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
"Stop planning for him then. Match energy for a bit if words aren’t working. My dude isn’t good at planning things either (classic dude line) but after expressing that even if he thinks he’s not good at it I would enjoy it so he started taking more initiative."
"Don’t settle for weaponized incompetence. The Fair Play deck is a tool to help address emotional labor disparities in the relationship."
"Stop going above and beyond for him. For your birthday, throw yourself a big birthday party!"
"He probably shows his love in other ways. Maybe he puts gas in your car or rescues you from the chatty neighbor, brings you coffee in the morning or always drives when you go somewhere. Start noticing."
"I feel like what has worked for me in the past is " oh babe theses this really cool place I want to check out, or restaurant I’d like to try out called “…”. If that fails stop asking and take yourself out, he will soon notice that there are alot of things you enjoy and will hopefully start to make an effort to plan some of these things with you… stop giving more than he is and then he will see how it feels."
"Mine is like this, I’m getting kinda old to be doing all the work lol so I just do my own thing now. Live for yourself, go out with your friends and do stuff you enjoy, it’s ok to do it alone!"
"Look into your husbands love language. Honestly I only read the first couple lines of the post but my partner is the same way. He doesn’t like going out. He gets anxious in social settings and we usually have to leave pretty quickly. He still tries to go out with me but he doesn’t like it so I have to plan things and be considerate about his feelings on the outtings as well. But he cooks for me he cleans the house he watches the kids so I can sleep he rubs my back when I get home from work if he can tell ive had a long day when it’s my turn to cook he doesn’t say anything he’ll just go get us food. If your only problem is that he doesn’t take you out maybe try to look at the stuff he DOES do an be grateful for that."
"Girl, I literally texted my husband last week and told him my favorite flowers were on sale (with a picture), to stop and get them on his way home. Unfortunately people love differently. Maybe take a step back and look at the other ways he is telling you he loves you? I would also look into 5 languages of love."
"Either learn his love language or walk. Don’t be with someone who you need to change to be happy. I used to think like this, like I wasn’t worth it. Took me a few years to get past it. But the more I got to know him, the more I got realize that this is just how he is and that’s that. So now, I plan everything. He just tags along for the ride! I don’t leave my happiness in his hands, I don’t give him that much power over my life. I chose my own happy and include him because I am happier with him than with anyone else! 16 years and counting."
"Show him this post that you wrote. If nothing changes get a new husband. Don’t beg for someone to love you properly. He might not have the same love language as you but he should love you enough to put in the effort and show you! Especially when you’ve told him how you feel. If he’s not meeting your needs he’s not the one. Don’t waste years and years trying to convince him. Someone else will gladly do those things."
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