Thatās a really long time to lie about it. I would take her word over his, and assume that itās nothing sexual or anything like that. But the amount of time he lied about it is actually crazy. Sometimes men do hide things from their wives so it doesnāt become a big issue, but I canāt even say that for him because of how many years itās been. Like wow. Maybe he hid it because it was more then just friends for him? Iām not trying to make it worse - just the possibilities of why. Does he lie about other things? How you feel about it is how you feel so if you feel a divorce is necessary then do what you need to do.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husband doesn't trust me, but secretly texts another woman, what? - Mamas Uncut
Yeah, he accuses you because heās guiltyā¦
They project their activities onto the ones they are cheating on. Keep evidence if you can. Take piof his texts to her, etc. Document his accusations. Could be considered narcissistic abuse. And get yourself an attorney.
He accuses you because he IS guilty
Accusing you because he feels guilty
Absolutely notā¦ I would be furiousā¦ if there was nothing to hide then why lieā¦
And not being funnyā¦ its not like she is going to admit to anythingā¦ of course she is going to say its all innocent
I have a zero tolerance policy for lying ! The reason he quizzes you over his insecurities is because he is living a lie ! He knows that if he is living a life of deception that you could be too . Do not try to reassure him . Let him grovel in his own issues . Yāall need counseling in a big way . There is NO way Iād put up with my husband texting or talking to another woman period . Itās a slippery slope for him and you should not allow it . Period .
The evidence is in, the question is are you willing to accept this behavior for another 20 years? or more bluntly are you at the halfway point or are you at the end of this relationship? fact is change is not an option, decision time
No you are not over to reacting
And you been putting up with this shit for 20 years 
I would of left a long time ago
Nope. Any man that can lie about whom he is talking to, has zero respect for his āwomenā. You donāt lie to those you love. Grounds for divorce are legit. You deserve better.
If they were just friends and he didnāt want to lose you then why has he lied for 20 years. If she was just a friend Iām sure he couldāve told you and youād have probably been alright with it heck you and her would probably be friends too. I donāt think I could put up with it any longer Iād pack his stuff up and set it outside and change the locks on the doors and just be done but thatās me you have to figure out if you want to continue in the relationship
You are absolutely valid yo feel that way and to proceed in divorce. Iād be livid over the years of lies. Unacceptable what he has been doing.
Definitely NOT overreacting!
Divorce that guilt ridden, lying, insecure prick. You can always meet someone with less baggage, and better communication and intentions.
That woman lying lol she could know heās married and donāt care. From experience usually the one getting accused is the one doing it ā¦
If you lie there is usually a reason. Lying doesnāt belong in a relationship!
Heās guity of something if heās accusing you stuff.
The louder & longer he goes on about other men, is a guilty mind of his own, its called projection and they blindside you with it so all your thinking is going in to proving your innocence, this is meant to put you completely off the scent of him qnd what he is up to!
The constant lying speaks volumes, thereās double standards, basically red flags all over.
Go, divorce him and never look backā¦before he wastes anymore of your life, doing what pleases him whilst breaking you mind and soulā¦you are so much better than thisā¦
You only get one shot at this life, donāt let it be taken up by this toxic narcissist xxx
Just leave there is no trust either way move on.
Not over reacting! Go on and gift yourself the freedom to find a real man. You canāt think that after 20 yrsā¦he will change and do right by youā¦a lie for 20 yrs is def a solid reason to believe is time to walkā¦I mean how do you right a 20 yr wrong? Enough time been wasted, and you canāt believe anything she tells you either. After 20 yrs she should be a part of your life, the fact that she aināt and is ok with hurting you secretly letās you know all you need to know. Leave unapologetically, and get out from under that BS!
Not overreacting at all.
Typical narcissistic behavior. So the question is ā Can you continue to live like this?
Why would you when you deserve mutual respect.
If he was so worried about losing you he would not put himself in any situation where he could lose you
A lot of times thatās a projection of something theyāre guilty of.
Typically if he is accusing you of cheating he is actually cheating
Not. One. Bit. Life is way to short to be anything but happy.
Itās not that heās talking to her, itās that heās lying about it. It can be just friendly. And thatās fine.
But lying is wrong and makes you think the worst.
Explain to him that you donāt care if they talk, just donāt hide it anymore.
Two wrongs dont make a rightā¦ he needs to stop and actually talk to you my partner and i used to sayā¦ if theres no trust then theres no āusāā¦ yeh we all make mistakes but he needs to move on it obviously still bothers him if he is still living in the pastā¦ but he needs to talk to you and work on it with you not another woman sexual or not your his wifeā¦
Nope. He is probably doing all the things heās accusing you of 
Go to therapy. You both have issues that need to be dealt with so you can move forward and be a better couple and better people. If you live like this and hate it you need to find out whyā¦ codependency somethingā¦ good luck
What??? If youāve been together 20 years just stick with each other because you wonāt know how to function in a normal relationship.
Ur husband is cheating and using reverse psychology on uā¦ and a relationship without trust makes no sense so just walk away
You donāt need to divorce him for the lying. You need to divorce him for the ānever letting you go anywhere aloneā I lived that for 6 years. No other reason that he didnāt trust me except that he ādidnāt trust other menā and āI would get hit onā okay??? And if I do Iām gonna leave you? Can you say narcissist? Anyway, if you wanna work it out I suggest therapy. If not, go be happy girlā¤ļø
He doesnāt trust you Bc heās shady. He may not be screwing this chick but heās still having an emotional affair.
20 years is a long time to be with someone. How does he take care of u in other ways? Is this your only issue with him? I would tell him you spoke to the other woman and tell him how your feeling and if he doesnāt act like he cares then walk but if he is willing to put in the work to make u happy keep him and work it out together! Life is too short. Being single is no fun at all take it from someone that knows. Good luck!
Nope donāt believe her anymore then him if they are sneaking they r doing more then talking . Been there done that .she say the same thing and i found out they were in a relationship for a while
Counseling couples and then individual
Guilty dog barks first! Time for a DIVORCE sugar!
Nope. Get outta there. Especially when he still throws shit in your face that doesnāt even occur anymore. If he didnāt like what youād done, he shouldnāt have married you
No heās controlling just leave and get phone recordes thats the only evidence plus and if itās skat in text of him asking you text demanding where you are
Just get rid of him 
Yup from my experience they will always accuse you of doing what theyāre really doing! Itās called a āguilty conscienceāā¦
That is called a guilty conscience. Heās does it and is scared youāll do the same, ironic I know but itās all apart of the manipulation.
Run, and live your life, only get one, heās doing wat he wants, itās up to you, but really run, donāt wast years trying, think about it, just run, best of luck 
It might be helpful to take a step back and think about what it is you want out of life and if this is what you want for a relationship
Guilty conscience. For sure. I had the same happen to me. He was controlling as well. Always had to know who I was with, what I was doing. And if he didnāt like it, he screamed and yelled and threatened and blew my phone up until I came home.
Itās time to go, honey. You deserve so much more.
Gaslighting!!! He is trying to make you out to be a bad guy when itās him doing it. If it werenāt anything to lose you over, he wouldnāt lie about it. I talk to my (guy) best friend almost daily and my husband knows it. He is more than welcome to read or listen to any and all conversations.
Iād divorce him, I donāt play those games
i dont think you are overreacting , i wouldnt put up with this , i think it has been going on too long . he will not stop . you have to make up your mind if you want to accept this behavior or not . time to make a decision
Nopeā¦ trust your gut on this oneā¦
After 20yrs that lie seems bogus. Bet she she lying too.
Itās been my experience that the ones who are convinced everyone is cheating on them and lying to them, are THE ones cheating & lying!
The accuser is the one thatās usually doing the cheating or the wrong doing.
What you have her maāam is your own personal narcissist! Get that divorce and be happy baby!! 
Nobody wants to spend their lives with a liar
On his bike why is ok for him to do it but not you and why dose the other woman put up with it as well I mean she must know you didnāt know thatās not okay she needs to be called out a bit more real to but Iām divorcing go youāll find someone nicer someone trust worthy someone that trusts you and loves just you you donāt need to share the love itās not fair good luck
Oh ew. Get rid of him before you waste another 20 years with this narcissistic asshat.
Leave why would you want to be with someone that lies.
Tell him to go be with her and leave you alone.
If there just friends he shouldnāt hide it and lie to you .
What a lie go see her husband and tell him then tell hubby hit the road if he thought he would lose you he never would Be
E freinds all lies
Itās emotional cheating. Your feelings matter and nothing you have done can ever justify his own actions. You didnāt cause this on yourself because of the past. He uses excuses to validate himself on his own lies, because this is what he wants to do and therfore justified it as Ok to himself in order to do it! This is not your fault, and definitely has nothing to do with you. All him. I personally would kick him out.
Do you really want a divorce or just falling back into your old ways? Because itās a lot harder divorcing and getting back together. Have you tried couples therapy? Maybe start with that.
From what Iāve seen, often times when a person is constantly, determinedly accusingā¦ itās really them whoās doing the thing theyāre accusing you of 
Guilty dogs bark first
No, Iām dealing with the samething. Been together for 21 years September 7th. I feel in my gut itās more than what Iām being told. If I complain or question anything I get told if I donāt like it get the f*** out. There were things that happened 6 years ago he divorced me n took the kids. We reconciled a few weeks after the divorce was finalized and we had another child. I canāt leave bc if I leave I have to leave my kids. I canāt just walk away from them. I have alot of health issues and am fighting for my disability, so Iāve been a stay at home mom for the last 6 years. I have no where to go or family to help, so itās either leave my kids or tough it out 15 more years. Iām miserable though. If you donāt have kids and you can get out do it, bc it doesnāt get better. Thereās no telling what else is being kept from u. Praying for you and hope all turns out well
When they cheat, they are sure you are as wellā¦ Very sadā¦
From the back story you gave us Iām gonna assume you were caught cheating on more than one occasion, his actions sound alot like PTSD from yalls relationship. I should know since I stayed with a man who done this to me and have a strict no girl friend rule but allow myself to keep my guy friends (although I dont hide it and dont keep in touch consistently, I dont feel bad about it because Iāve never given him a reason to not trust me) him hiding the fact he talks to a girl may only be him trying to make sure you have ZERO reason to feel like you could have a guy friend and cause him unnecessary stress. It might be an unpopular opinion but it sounds like you have wasted enough of his years, let him go so he can move on in life and heal from the trama you put him through, this wonāt happen while your together because you have become a walking reminder of the hurt you can inflict
Sounds like he is afraid of the past happening again from you if you really love him earn his trust back just like the guys that have screwed up women the same way. This goes both ways not just guys having to earn trust for past mistakes.
Usually the accusing is the one abusing, just putting the blame on you
He cheating get a divorce save ur self the heart ache
Wow look at the level of ignorances women are so fast to jump off the one they love so selfishā¦ When you say I do it is literally that for the rest of your life for better or worse thereās no such thing as a deal breaker you have to work through thisā¦ Overtime with lots of dedication and care this problem will healā¦lots of work to be doneā¦ Or you can listen to these self entitled women and just get a divorce and go through the exact same thing all over again
People are broken and need healing. Been there. Healing from it still.
I donāt care if it was see sexual or NOT . It is not okay to hide stuff from your spouse !! The worst thing you can do ! Also why would he hide it if it was nothing but talking ? Yāall canāt have friends of different gender? Iām sorry but it sounds like heās controlling / knows he is in the wrong !
Yes you are over reacting
Men donāt hide innocent friends.
Men and women have best friends that are not always sane sex . My best friend since childhood is a man 
The reason he is hiding his friendship is because you will kick off if you find out, heās asking to see if your abiding by your own rules in a sense. A relationship shouldnāt feel like a prison or that you canāt be yourself and have friends wether male or female. That being said you should be able to get reassurance from him on this matter and be ok with his response. You need to work on your insecurities and be at peace with your place in his life as this will destroy any relationship
Tbh you have broke up with many Times Cant really Blame him for not trusting you. I think u Both fucked It for urselfs. You aint Helped by breaking up many times and he hasnāt helped by Keeping stuff from you and now isnt allowing you to go anywere alone because he lost trust in you. poor guy probably thinks ur gonna leave Like you Many times before. I Would Just Leave.
NOT saying what he did is a ok but what you have done also as played a BIG Part
Girl just have a serious talk with ; communication is the key to know whether is worth saving or not
Nope Not Overreacting Heās Jus Making Sure Your Not Doing Him How Heās Doing U
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husband doesn't trust me, but secretly texts another woman, what? - Mamas Uncut
Your not over reacting, heās worried about what you may be doing because of what he is doing! You know the move to make sis
20 years of the same lie? Do what you got to do boo. 
He clearly has a guilty conscionce. U see it all the timeā¦ the people accusing other peopleā¦ or those that need constant reassurance when u are clearly doing nothing wrongā¦are often ones doing it
Leave the man. Iām sorry but they have been talking for a long time. Bullshit thereās nothing sexual there. There probably fucking on the side.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husband doesn't trust me, but secretly texts another woman, what? - Mamas Uncut
They are both deceitful , if you must hide this then
Much more has been going on .
You make a plan B
save money and plan to be free of him . I have always said trust your " gut" it Will never lie to you ! Go find first yourself because he has taken your power then Mr. Right will come along and you will find joy , the alternative is staying and I know
You wonāt be happy . He is a boy not a real man!
Well, IMO, he is being defensive by accusing you of all of these things, when heās doing them himself. Hence the guilty consciousā¦ 20 years is a really long time to lieā¦ if heās lying about that āinnocentā friend, what else is there? Thatās not so innocentā¦ idk mamaā¦ Iād be pissed. And thatās not even a good description of how Iād feel. A lie is a lie. And the longer the worse it is. That would have all trust gone. And you canāt have a relationship without trust.
Okay wow I could have written this myself and my heart just breaks for this poster. If you see this, please feel free to reach out. In shitty situations like this itās nice to have someone who gets it.
I could have written this myself. We went through a trial separation. I moved into a little apartment and the day I moved out, his new āroommateā moved in. I never gave him a reason to be suspicious of me but he was. 
Our divorce was finalized 2 months before our 13th anniversary. The shenanigans and accusations started right after our 10 year anniversary.
Girlā¦leave. I stayed in a 13yr relationship similar to this and my biggest regret is not having left sooner!
As I always say, The guilty dog barks the loudest. Heās just deflecting his own transgressions back on you so he doesnāt have to feel like the bad guy.
You guys need counseling. He may just be talking to her because he feels he canāt trust you. Now you feel you canāt trust him. If you want to make this work, find a good counselor
Been husband 5 years even lost a child with him to a disease and take care of my step daughter and her child. And he has conversation with out my knowledge with other women. Even porn people. It sucks and dont know how I feel but hurt but know that changes nothing. So im trying to look at this logical.
he is upset or doesnāt want you to go anywhere alone because of his actions, he is thinking if I act like this she is acting like this. Has this other girl now stopped talking to him and told him that she knows he is married etc? What does your husband say about it? Sounds to me like he is not going to change and sounds like the guy that when you say divorce he will say he will change but it sounds like he wonāt. I would be seeking an attorney get my ducks in a row and then proceed with a divorce.
My husband did 5 tours, in both Iraq wars. I stood by my guy, and he only broke me every chance he could. I thought it was PTSD, it wasnāt. I know what he is now, I had him clinically diagnosed. Itās toxic as hell. You need to get out, or try counseling. Mine wouldnāt go, so I got my own bank account. Got a life coach to work on me. Healing is ugly, but much like my life, youāre also living a lie. We think we shield the kids, we donāt. Weāre just teaching them this is normal, when nothing about it is ālove!ā I rather be alone, then alone with someone that breaks my spirit just for shits and giggles. I wish you the best.
I think yāall both need help getting over the past. Iām sure he has trust issues from all the breakups you mentioned. Divorce isnāt always the answer. Couples donāt communicate and thatās why you have issues with him having a female friend. Chances are sheās goin to be your future replacement if yāall donāt figure out how to trust each other.