I’m really not sure what to do, I’ve been in a relationship for almost eight years now, married for the last three and a half. My husband is on dialysis, and I do it at home for him, he doesn’t help with any of it, whenever I ask him to bring something in(it’s heavy) he gets mad like I’m inconveniencing him… and that’s pretty much the reaction I get when I ask him to do anything like taking out the garbage…which is the only thing I’ve ever asked of him, but I’ve stopped asking him to do anything. He works 5-6 days a week, but even when he has days off and is home(he was home pretty much over a week straight recently) he does nothing but sits in the chair watching YouTube and TV. We really don’t do anything together anymore or talk much at this point. I have children from a previous marriage whom he has always loved and treated as his own, and they love him as well. I’m just at this point where I’m not happy at all, I do everything for his dialysis, cook, clean, do laundry and everything a wife should do, yet I get nothing from him. He doesn’t even pick up his garbage; he leaves it for me to clean up because I always do. I couldn’t even tell you the last time we were intimate, and when we are, it’s when he wants it and is just sex. There is no affection or intimacy in our relationship at all. . . He has just very recently started telling me that I need to get a real job, I do contribute to the household financially, but I don’t have a full-time job which is what he wants now…and he told me to pay my own bills…like every bill we have is both of ours(electric, water, insurance) the only bill that is solely mine is my cell phone. However, we have always had the same plan. I’ve expressed to him how I feel about things, and he says that he is just always tired, which I do get, but at the same time, he literally has been this way for like a year and does nothing at home(other than financially). I have no problem finding a full-time job, but that still isn’t going to help with our relationship problems only financial ones… I’m not sure what to do! I love him but I can’t continue living where I feel like a maid and have absolutely no love. I don’t think that he is cheating, he just isn’t that type of person, but I do feel his family is influencing things he’s been saying and how he acts but at the same time he’s always saying he loves me and can’t live without me and the kids but literally it just words because he says these things all the time and doesn’t show it, at all!
What kind of dialysis does he do at home?
I ask because he PROBABLY has some kind of lifting restrictions
Stop cleaning up after him. I dont mean dont take care of your home or laundry because of he’s working you owe yourself and him that much but you arent his personal maid. Don’t clean up his crap. Stop bringing his machine in and getting it ready. If and when hes ready for his treatment he will get it ready. Otherwise I guess he dies, you are helping him and until he appreciates that STOP helping him. Dont do anything extra and start doing stuff for you. When he notices he will change or do without.
He is probably depressed
Sounds like he may be dealing with depression.
Okay dialysis does make you tired. So I understand where he’s coming from. For you if you can’t handle doing it all then leave
Dialysis has a lot of effects on the body. Lifting can be restricted depending on the dialysis type/fistula etc.
Dont clean up after him. Stop being a maid. That doesnt mean neglect the duties.
Perhaps try marriage counseling.
He’s probably depressed
What a whiner the kidney are shot I’m surprised he can work be glad that you can help him remember your vows he is a very sick person
I’d say try to do more with him he wants to watch TV find a movie you both want to watch there are certain shows me and my hubby only watch together my husband works 5-6 days a week and works doubles half those he helps when I need it I’m not that strong so he does the heavy lifting and we try to find stuff to do just us like watch a movie or play on Xbox together
My dads on dialysis and depression is hardcore with him.
I get what you’re saying but at the same time I know how draining dialysis is and the toll it takes on your body. Chances are he’s just tired. And likely depressed. Have the two of you considered marriage counseling? Please don’t give up yet. No marriage is perfect and we all have our ups and downs. But the best ones go through it all together and come out stronger than ever. Sending hugs and good vibes. 
He is in kidney FAILURE. He probably feels like crap 24/7. Tell him how you feel.
If he loves you he should be making more of an effort to make you happy. Tell him you are thinking of leaving. And get a job that will support you. If he doesn’t improve then leave him. It’s probably depression but you can’t be expected to be miserable indefinitely.
AND having had a sibling who was on dialysis for long periods of time several times in his life, I can tell you that you DO NOT FEEL NORMAL. You’re tired. You’re depressed. You actually literally feel ill most of the time. If you’re too dry, you’re weak and lightheaded. If you’re too wet, you’re swollen and perhaps coughing from fluid building up in your lungs.
It’s life saving in that it keeps you alive until your own kidneys begin to function or you get a transplant, but it’s not life saving in the respect that you feel like you can live a normal life.
I mean don’t be his maid, but don’t expect him to always feel able to help with harder chores. But ultimately understand that he probably feels like crap 90% of the time
Dialysis takes just about everything out of the body. It’s very tiring and painful not to mention taking care of the fistula Not getting infected or ruptured. This is his lifeline. Dialysis people have short lifespan. So if your Husband Still works then count your blessings and let him rest. You are being totally selfish. I am a nurse and have worked with dialysis patients
I am married to a man with disabilities and he has a lot of fatigue. Also, when a person has medical issues depression can follow. Maybe see a therapist.
Get a job and start a stable income. It’ll help you stop worrying so much if you’re busy. He is probably an older man who is not only sick but depressed. Talk to him about how you feel.
Get u a job and stop cleaning up after him open the curtains blinds up and leave them if he’s depressed…and when ur at home do ur normal routine cleaning but leave his stuff only let him do his meds and leave the house when ur done and do something for urself come home with a smile on ur face and don’t let him see u down and when he asks why ur so happy all the time tell him just bc ur down doesn’t mean I have to be and just bc u don’t do anything doesn’t mean I have to stay there when I wanna do something don’t feel sorry for making urself happy bc u can’t make some one else happy period do for u and make u happy the rest will fall into place.
Maybe you should try a different approach. Maybe you don’t know what’s going on in his head.
dialysis DRAINS your entire body. He could be depressed too, be a little more compassionate. you sound like a whiny spoiled brat🙄
Not being mean about it but men only care about a few things at a time there minds don’t wonder as much as ours do they don’t think the same things we think and they don’t feel the same thing we feel
But when they see that there partner is happy that makes then want to be happy too
Get own checking account, add all joint bills together and divide by amount of people living in house. You need to pay for your children that aren’t his children. Get your own cell phone. Get yourself prepared because that’s what he’s doing. Just be prepared
Can he get a new kidney
Unfortunately he is going through a physical and emotional toll,dialysis is exhausting, in marriage especially when one is ill the other sacrifices their wants and needs,if it’s not something you thought you could do,that vow means nothing…
The fact he works 5-6 days a week while on dialysis to provide for his family i think is well worth it. He should throw his trash away, but all the other stuff come on. He is sick, prolly battling depression and has you nagging him on top. He prolly asked you to get a job so he could lighten his load to maybe have more energy for home life. You agree in wedding vows to be in sickness and health, look at the bigger picture, he has some stuff going on health wise and all you can think about is what attention your getting? You need to try and meet him in the middle now, his health isnt 100% so he wont be at 100%.
Insist on marriage counseling !!! Don’t let this break your family up . It will do your children harm that you cannot even comprehend . You two deserve to find love again and it can be done . Nothing is worse than divorce .
Get your own account , get a job stash cash and leave
Do you realize that his body is shutting down and him working drains him . He wants you to get a real job because when he dies you need to be able to support you and those kids
Maybe you can work FT and he work PT. Dialysis is no easy on a person.
My first suggestion would be marriage counseling. Don’t quit or give up on him or your marriage. My opinion, would be to stop picking up after him. He is a grown man. He can pick up after himself. You are his WIFE, not a maid! Stop letting him treat you that way. It’s time you make a change.
Talk to him about how he feels… That might get you further
He is an adult who can take the garbage out and pick up after himself. Yes he is probably drained after working and dialysis BUT pick up your own fucking garbage.
If he doesnt want to help w normal house hold chores they 
Yeah he is probably going through shit but so are you. YOU ALSO NEED TO BE TAKEN CARE OF
Get a full time job and move on, if you feel that’s best for you and your family. No one should be unhappy and if he’s unwilling to compromise or look into his own mental health (assuming depression is an issue), you should not have to continue to suffer. Like many others have suggested, therapy, therapy, therapy!
Did they not tell you that dialysis is your last leg before death or kidney transplant? Marriage is through sickness and in health. He’s sick.
Get him a caregiver and move on with your life 
You have to take care of yourself too!!!
That’s not love Celine you are a habit for him and that’s it you made get used to it nothings going to change until you make it change grow a set of balls put him in his place he’s not a very nice person very inconsiderate and you deserve better
Well I’d say your next step is going ahead and getting the full time job that way when you do make your final decision you won’t be financially dependent on him for anything. Also stop doing everything for him. I know it can be extremely difficult to leave their trash light around but do it. Toss it in his favorite chair, in the front seat of his vehicle, tell him if he can’t pick up his own shit it’s gonna be in his own space.
For work means less time to do everything at home. When you wash clothes do a load of yours and the kids.
Take care of you first.
Stop doing for him… a marriage is a mutual commitment. If he cant be committed… neither should you… i am so thankful to be single.
An overwhelming percentage of marriages fail because of financial issues. Try getting a full time job to help alleviate some of the stress he likely feels being the sole provider and some of the other issues may resolve themselves. Stress can be a huge “mood” dampener. It can also cause unhappiness which also dampens the mood and can create resentment. My personal opinion would be to find a job to help contribute financially and see if his mood lightens. Worst case scenario is that once you have a job you’ll have the ability to leave if your situation doesn’t improve.
I never respond to these but I just have to. He is in Kidney failure, he still works a full time job and manages to financially help support the household. Quite frankly he is a trooper if he is still working and on dialysis. Honestly…what more do you want? Do you realize that your husband is actually dying a slow painful death and all you can think about is how he makes you feel. From personal experience dialysis is an early death sentence. With or without treatment/transplant. Do you have any idea what dialysis does to the body and mind? In his mind you need to work full-time to prepare for him not helping. In his mind if he doesn’t exert himself at home in his space then he can still have the energy to function at his workplace. In his mind he needs you to prepare to be alone. Think about this…dialysis may work for years, no transplant or successful transplant happens and he is gone. How will you feel when you think back at your housework and lifting then? I hope it never comes to that for you. I am not heartless and I understand more than you know about what you are going thru but you need to put you and your feelings aside and make memories before you don’t have that option anymore. Maybe try counseling. You could very well have caretaker fatigue. Whatever you do don’t lose time worrying about things that will not make you happy when you look back in them.
Just about all I see on here is people comeing down hard on the wife. That is so very wrong. She is going above of what she needs to do. She helps with his meds and dialysis. His feeling sorry for himself. What he doesn’t understand is that when one person in the family gets sick it affects the entire family. You should suggest his seeing a therapist to help with his depression. If he doesn’t then go on with your and your childrens life. Get the job if you can. That always helps to make a person useful and being able to treat yourself and your kids even if it’s only once in a while, it does feel good. He needs to snap out of it because his wasting precious time with and his family. Good luck.
I worked with dialysis patients for 10 years. 1) Dialysis is HARD on the body and makes the person feel exhausted. 2) Most likely he has a lifting restriction. 3) If he has blood pressure issues because of dialysis, and most likely he does, it makes it difficult to get and maintain an erection which can lead to intimacy issues. 4) I’m sure he’s concerned about finances. 5) I’d suggest counseling for both of you. If he won’t go then go yourself. He could probably use an antidepressant as well.
These suggestions to stop doing things for him are not helpful. It will only increase the resentment. Be glad he’s still working, many dialysis patients stop working because of the health issues. Trust me, disability benefits are nothing compared to an actual job.
You now looked at as his caregiver not his wife. You need to separate the two. Hire a nurse to come in and do some of it. Hell he can help with it too if he still works that many days a week. Caregiver burnout is real and can destroy your family.
Wow … just … wow. I rarely reply to these, but … seriously? I’m sure he would prefer to have his health and the energy to woo you occasionally AND work a full-time job, but … I mean, seriously? What are you, 5 years old? If you’re old enough to have been with him 8 years, you’re old enough to understand that people have ups and downs, and if he’s on dialysis, he’s clearly on a major down. Have some compassion, learn to be grateful that he’s hardworking enough to still be WORKING A NORMAL JOB, get yourself some counseling where you can vent, and GROW UP. Just … wow.
I would think about marriage counseling and see where that goes. And if you are the miserable I would think about leaving and if he wants. Let him still be able to see the kids and be in their lives if he wants to. Sad situation. But don’t stay only for the sake of the kids.
This part speaks volumes - “he told me to pay my own bills…like every bill we have is both of ours(electric, water, insurance) the only bill that is solely mine is my cell phone.” Get that full time job and pursue things that make you happy. You aren’t YouTube you are a human being.
Definately sounds like he needs to go to counseling to help him deal with his illness and limitations. Have his doctor refer him to a counselor because he will not go willingly.
Marriage vows say for better or worse sickness or health not till you get tired of it so think twice you may get someone worse
So when we take a vow in sickness and health… does it matter, it should because there for the grace of God it could be me or you that gets sick or injured. Shoe could be on other foot. Yes caregivers have it hard no doubt and also comes with some depression. This man is still going to drag himself to work! Amazing! He is facing his mortality and probably has too much going on in his heart and mind. You should think about working in preparation for what lies ahead, but also gives you a break from too much thinking about what you’re missing. People just don’t understand til they live in a life of sickness. Show more love and compassion to him. Kiss him, tell him if you love him, time could be shorter than you think. Get in a caregiver support group. Don’t have regrets. Treat him the way you want to be treated. We would all be sad if we treated people the way they treat us. I pray God’s comfort and blessings over the both of you.
Leave the asshole he doesn’t realize what he has and why should you suffer for his bullshit I would love to marry you
If you work, will he help or leave it to you. I mean, I’d ask about a therapist for you both but if he’s not willing then you can’t stay.
You said for sickness and in health. You’re going to have rough patches in a marriage. Please don’t give up. So many people just give up. My grandma told me once she and my grandpa had a rough 4 year patch that after they got through it their love for one another was so strong and so different. She also told me if the Romance is gone to go back to dating. Like give him a cute way to ask him out that he can’t say no. Like but the movie tickets in advance. Go back to the basics and go from there. Good luck
A serious illness like kidney failure can affect a person’s mood. I have a lot of pain myself. I do what I can, which is limited. My husband is great most of the time but I know there are times when he gets tired and blames me. If your husband is that sick and still holding down a full time job, it’s a miracle. He may not be expressing it in the best way but he may want you to get a full time job so he wont have to worry about you and your children in case something happens to him. There are groups for caregivers to help them with self care and burnout. There may also be groups for people on dialysis that you could each go to and get some help.
Even if dialysis is draining, it doesn’t mean it’s not hard on his wife as well. She’s not selfish or wrong for admitting she’s tired too. People don’t like to talk about how hard it is for souses to be full time caregivers for someone with a disability or disease. It sounds like she feels disrespected by him by the way he talks and acts towards her. He probably is tired. And he’s sick, yeah. But he should consider therapy with her to learn how to appreciate and respect her more. No reason for over a year of being insensitive and rude. Perhaps also they should consider getting an outside part time caregiver. Perhaps it’ll separate the role of caregiver and loving spouse again to a point where they can rebuild. Sucks for both ends here.
Get a full time job and leave.
He isn’t being fair !! If he can go to work he can put stuff in garbage and take it out !! He can say thank you , he can hug more kiss more , he can dance instead of U tube and tv 
!!! And right he is sick and my pass on why isn’t he thinking about that also and give his wife good memories not sad and feeling like shit !!! They both said those vows !!!
We and mf wife been married for 28yrs im 50 and we been through this he needs to see a doctor he might need testosterone or something else we almost broke up to but doing so much better know good luck
First of all no only is he physically sick he is probably depressed and that would explain lack of sex drive and his tiredness. He needs therapy more than likely. You can either get on board with his illnesses or not. People seem to forget not all illnesses are physical they are mental too. But you can either work with him or leave this is a mental health cry for help! And u can help or not but chances are you might as well leave because you are not mentally unhealthy and probably will not understand!
It sounds like he may want to get out of marriage
It sounds to me like he is probably sick, making him tired and disinterested in things he used to be interested in. Maybe he is also depressed. The only way you can find out is by talking to him without judging him, and without placing any blame. Also, he should do the same for you - have you discussed how you are feeling with him? I think you guys probably need some marriage counseling, he may also need some individual counseling… but also, depending on his health, you may need to be understanding that you will need to do more to help him than the average (I am not sure how sick he is but it sounds like it may be affecting him). I would go along with what he says and get a job, show him you are trying and making an effort too so that he is more inclined to change. Maybe if you work a little bit you can replace a little bit of his income letting him work less and recover more so he can start feeling more energized and better.
Well he could be depressed. You should see if counseling will help you.
if dats wat he want go to work tell him to pay a helper to see to his needs at work u get tea break n lunch break
Tell your kids to talk to him
Dont pay any attention to him get a hobby, do your own thing. Make yourself happy, life is too short to wait for someone else to do it, then maybe he will notice the goddess he is with and act right and if he doesn’t, then “walk your fine ass out the door”
Sounds like the 7 year itch, and illness doesn’t help. Tell him you want counseling. Maybe go see a therapist yourself first and find one you vibe with. Then invite him.to a few sessions. You figure out what you want, and discuss how to include him in that. Then they can help you both find a happy medium, a place where you can both feel fulfilled and understood.
Although vows say in sickness and in health it doesnt say
Even tho I’m an ass becuz I dont feel well
Or it doesnt say to extreme neglect
Hes taking her for granted and he is acting abrasive because his pain and suffering
We all act up when we dont feel well…but that doesnt mean we have a free pass to be neglectful or rejecting
And hes not thankful for the help shes doing with his healthcare …we see that
He doesnt have much energy
So that could be why hes not expressing interest in intimacy dept
At this point he also may feel overwhelmed by his illness and instead of bringing up the fact that hes dealing with too much…hes just stating comments that are abrasive
It can be resolved if you get a fulltime job
He wants to downsize to part time or not work at all
He feels weak
How long will he have to be on dialysis?
He might be feeling hopeless and depressed and so he has an attitude bout everything you say…I think to ask what he feel comfortable helping with around the house. You deserve communication.
It sucks to feel neglected and no affection
And your tired…adding fulltime job will add strain on you too.
A dr check up to see what else might be wrong even for depression for your husband might be all you both need
Sounds like depression to me, maybe cause of not feeling good or generally diminished health. Can a touchy subject for guys so tread lightly and kindly. If he won’t talk to a doctor, you may want to consider counseling for yourself and leaving may not be off the table is he’s unwilling to make an effort to improve the marriage.
Dialysis is physically and mentally draining on the body. It can leave a person not up to par the way the use to be. See if his insurance with drs approval wouldnt cover some homehealth to help you. And maybe by your paying the bills hes just prepairing you for when the inevitable will happen. But yes get a fulltime job and take care of you also.
Dude he’s on DIALYSIS. Take care of him jeez.
He is only dialysis and still works nearly every day of the week. Sounds like he is over it all to be honest, working hard and then being really sick on top of that is a lot for anyone to take on. Don’t give up on him, I’m sure he wouldn’t choose to have it this way.
See if you can get some respite care for the both of you or some in home help to make it a bit easier on you both.
It sounds like he is depressed. Talk to his doctor
Honestly, you need to get a full time job. In that time, while you are at work, whatever he messed up, is on him to clean up. I would also communicate that. You dont have to come home and clean the whole house after working 8+ hours. Hell no. He needs to get some help for his situation and get it in gear. Life doesnt just stop.
Sounds like he’s depressed, a lot of ppl that have health issues are. Dialysis takes a toll on the body and mind. Poor guy.
You all aren’t considering that having an endless disability is just that. The only end is death. I suffered anoxic brain damage in March, 2017. My husband’s love is the only thing that keeps me willing to be here. The poor man in the story, in addition to his health issues and job fatigue, has realized that there is no end, no relief, in this life. Get this man to his doctor or the nearest ER, he is pushing you away because he’s hating himself, the world, the universe, and his own body. This isn’t “just depression.”
Not that I’m siding with him but dialysis really takes a lot out of a person. I’m surprised he still works to be honest. If you’re home and not working why can’t you do those things?
“Saying” and “doing”… Two different things!!!
Um Dialysis is hard it makes you super weak if he is still working then ya asking him to do extra is an inconvenience for him maybe wait until he is better or improving you seem insensitive to the fact he is sick dialysis is not just a routine thing you get because your waiting on a kidney transplant
He works 5 or 6 days a week and has a debilitating, life long, potentially life limiting disease! For goodness sake I am not surprised he is always tired and most likely utterly depressed. I think you need to stop moaning and be grateful for what he does do, poor man 
I think you are underestimating how much kidney failure and dialysis takes a toll on a person. I’ve not experienced it personally but I’ve seen somebody go through it. And the fact that he is still working 5-6 days a week is absolutely amazing! Aren’t the marriage vows for better or for worse and in sickness and in health? 
My late husband was on dialysis. It took everything out of him. It is a very depressing sickness. I know it’s hard, but be patient with him and cherish every day that you have him.
Stop doing anything for him. Until he does 1 thing for you
Wow … Some people here are heartless.This man is sick. Damm it … put your self on his shoes.Think about your father, your son,your brother. So sad.
So does him being sick make her feelings and needs invalid does it? Sounds like all you women are saying put up with it and shut up.
He might be wiped out from work and dialysis but, you’re a live in maid. You deserve to be respected and treated better. Have your kids help you around the house and get a job to put your own money aside for you. Get him some help he could be depressed or just a person you need to let go of. You deserve to be happy. He should go somewhere else for dialysis and then you have time for yourself. I been through a lot more in my life and l didn’t treat anyone bad and l took care of the home. Have a serious talk with him and let him know how you feel.
C’est un profiteur ce n’est pas seulement à toi de faire tout dans la maison .on vit à deux on s’occupe à deux de la maison des enfants et des factures .tout ce fait à deux .On n’est pas supposé servir de bonne à l’autre. Parle lui dis lui ce que tu éprouve et se que tu veux