My husband had a kid I never knew about, I'm hurt

So my husband have a maybe baby from when he was 19 years old, I wasn’t made aware of this until recently. We are expecting a little boy in 4 weeks time and my feelings are just so bloody all over the place, we have been together 3 years both in our 30s, I don’t get why he would keep this from me? His maybe son is 13 years old and has zero contact since he was 2 years old, when the baby mama ran away and got married to a Marine cutting all ties with my husband and his family.
He said his ashamed of not fighting for the little boy more that’s why he didn’t tell Me. Seems so suspicious especially when he couldn’t stop raving about having kids for so long and never once indicated he had already had one, i feel like him lying has taken away from our experience


Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husband had a kid I never knew about, I'm hurt

My dad apparently gave a daughter up for adoption at 19, never told me. I found out a few years after he died and still don’t have the courage to reach out.
He had chosen to trust you with this information, please for the sake of your husband, that child and any future kids take this opportunity to reunite this family


he didn’t lie and I’m surprised you didn’t ask him before you where married not blaming you but how do you tell someone you have a kid with someone else when he was a teen and as you stated he doesn’t see his child because baby mom took the kid and ran that’s not really on him I’m sorry your feelings are hurt and I would be a little mad because that’s something that should have been aware of but at the same time he didn’t get to experience dad hood because his child was ta Kane from him so yes of course he’s excited to have kids and do the things he was deprived of for years try being a little understanding you can be mad but he didn’t lie it just didn’t come up and probably wasn’t sure when was the right time to tell you but it’s not something to leave him for or act like trust was broken

Maybe this is where you tell him you will support him in trying to meet up with said child now that you know. That would be a really painful experience


If he honestly thinks the child could be his, tell him to get a dna test done, it’s the only way the mother of the child and your partner will know for sure. Also, i agree with the fact he was 19, and if the woman ran off after saying the baby was his, that’s pretty traumatizing. It sounds like he still is working through that grief, for all you know he could not be the father of the child. At least have a conversation and suggest the dna test


He didn’t take anything away he was ripped off of a child he’s married to u finally having one n being able to raise the child is something different it’s a different love he loves his first born but knows nothing of his child as if he’s a stranger. Yes he should of told u but he was scared and ashamed ashamed of being a man n not being able to raise his own blood it’s a different hurt


I wouldn’t let this ruin your relationship. He either does a DNA test and involves the child in your life or he carries on with his life like he has done. You can’t really linger in between because that’s when everyone feels uncomfortable. Try talking to him and telling him how you feel and ask him to think about what he wants to do. He could well do a DNA test and the baby not be his. Maybe he needs to confront it head on and sort it out? The child will one day, ask questions from his mother.


Did he tell you that he has no children? If so, then he would of lied. If he had just mentioned it, it’s probably because he trusts you to tell you this. Be supportive and understanding. Even though it is a BIG deal. Talk to him and see if he can get in contact with the baby mama. See if he can get a DNA test. Then go from there.


You are forgetting that the woman married someone else who is that child’s daddy. He more than likely adopted the child or perhaps they were married before said child was born and is legally that child’s father. I have people who have had this happen. It’s a life already established as a family. Your husbands and your life is about to be so completely whole. Just be happy for the family you have and this will all work out for the best. In a few years a child may come in search of the father they just found out about! Just enjoy the family you are making and let this unfold and be sorted out in the right time!
Now is not the time for unhappiness-or troubles. Soon you celebrate the birth of a wanted child that was planned and conceived in love! Not unplanned at 19!


He was 19 years old— still very young himself.

He probably carried/carries the shame of could’ve, should’ve, would’ve done things differently.

He was young and this happened before your time.

Don’t hold this against him.


I won’t be with a man that don’t take care of his children … PERIOD


Get over it !! It’s a hurt spot in his heart !! When women use your kids against you or won’t let you see them and you did nothing wrong .


I would talk to the mom and make sure that story lines up, tactfully. If so, try to work on forgiving him and give him another chance to prove himself. That’s what I would do but you need to listen to your gut. Not heart but gut.


Forgive and enjoy your baby together. Don’t let his shame n guilt ruin you. Help him talk about it and maybe find him again


Wow so many of you are painting this guy out to be such a victim. For one he lied to her for their whole relationship. He should have been honest from the get go. And to me if he kept this huge secret from her for years then is he even telling the truth now? Don’t jump to the mother being a horrible person, there’s always 2 sides to every story. And I hate that term “baby momma.” It’s rude. Obviously she’s raising her son so she should at least get the title of the child’s mother.


This happens a lot when some is young and has a child and they are took way and your just not at a place fight more. He’s probably telling you the truth about him being ashamed, id try support him the best you can and help him have the real experience of being a dad when your little is born💜 Good luck

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Life is complicated, so I wouldn’t rush to judgment.


If it’s a maybe baby, wait until you know for sure to do anything

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I feel like at 19 he was still a child and that pain can stay with someone for a very long time. We marry our partners, and their secrets. I’m sure he’s absolutely excited for your baby and that he’s likely in a different place mentally and emotionally now than he was at 19.

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Let bygones be bygones or your feeling will tear everyone apart. Trust that he loves you and looks forward to being a dad to your precious baby

That part of his life has zero to do with you, especially if there’s been no contact with the child for 11 years & he’s not sure it’s even his child.

He wants a child to raise because he may missed out on something great. That’s very painful. You can’t fix it for him, so no point in dragging up a painful past.

You have a good man who wants to be a father & partner, quit looking for ways to spoil it. & Be thankful for what you’ve got.

He was honest why he didn’t say anything !! Support his hurt and trauma and move on . Enjoy your family

It happened before you and if you didn’t ask him if he had kids he technically didn’t lie to you. I know this must be hard info especially being pregnant and your hormones raging but try to take a breath. I’m sure it hurt him when he was only 19 and she took off with his child. He probably buried it deep and trying to start a new life with you thinking he would never see this child again. Get a DNA test because you don’t even know if this is his kid. He doesn’t even know for sure so I don’t see the significance in telling you in the first place when the mom ran off and got married to someone else. It sounds like you might be more upset that your child might not be his only child and I understand that but it’s not going to take away from your child. He’s married to you and lives with you so if anything the other child will miss out. Talk to your husband about how you feel but don’t be too hard on him since this was before you met him.


Obviously there is no emotional connection there and that’s why it’s not important to him.

Shame is an ugly thing. I hope that now that he has shared it that he is able to start healing.

Oh my God he was 19 everyone has a past now you know if he wants to have something to do with his son first I would do dna but I wouldn’t do anything if said child is happy and thinks of her husband as his dad then leave it alone

Doesn’t sound suspicious. Sounds like your just jealous. It’s a child. He has a right to pursue it. You should be encouraging it. Not making him feel guilty for the years he’s missed out on

This shouldn’t take away from your experience. He has been excited about the two of you having a baby …you say he’s been raving etc…maybe that’s because he loves you and is thrilled to be having a baby with the woman he believes REALLY loves him and you all are REALLY going to be a family together. You shouldn’t take this so personal. Its obviously a painful part of his past that he at the time had no control over.

Probably raving about the new baby because of the missed opportunity, regret and embarrassment over the first. I would still be extremely upset about a secret like that kept for so long.

It’s a massive secret to keep. And that’s what I’d be upset about. He should of told you. Your spending your lives together. It would make me loose trust. To lead you to belive this is his first time too and now you find out it isn’t. I understand why your upset. Totally. But on the same hand. You need to decide where to go from here. Is he wanting to pursue a relationship with this child or not? That’s your child’s sibling. However you look at it. If you get past the lies I’m sure you’ll find a way to sort it.
But for the next four weeks I’d just not worry and think about you and the little bubbs. :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

I be would just tell him to reach out to the mom, her a dna test and move on from there. Your feelings are validated but so are his reasons. He probably still feels bad for the whole thing and not fighting hard enough AS YOU SAID. Don’t make him feel worse. That was before you. Move on and make peace. Life is too short. Better you know now than the kid Popping up at 18 surprising you themselves.


I feel like you are making this a bigger thing than it is. The man has another child on the way, of course that’s got him thinking about his first child, his regrets, his thoughts. It’s understandably difficult to receive this news but your man is trying to communicate with you in a very serious level and you’re making it about you.

He’s a different person than he was at 19. He was just a kid himself. Not saying he was right but try cutting him some slack.

Many of people don’t know if they fathered a child now days if you check on a lot of moms out there have childeren and don’t know who the father is poor the father don’t give a dam if they fathered child ornot look Viet name there are a lot of babies that were born and don’t know the father or she didn’t tell the fatherfather so let it go that wad many of years ago

It may be painful for him to talk about and relive. We all make mistakes that we wish we could take back. Maybe this time around hell fight a little harder and put 100% into being a great father.

I understand you’re hurt, and rightfully so. But don’t let this spoil your happiness, you’re about to be a mommy and you don’t need the negativity eating at you :heart:

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That’s more than a maybe baby… he knew the kid was his…

Bigger issue is he’s okay not even fighting for his child. I’m sure he was embarrassed/worried how you’d react. Rightfully so.

At the end of day, whether the child is his or not, you either love him and accept with his 13 yrd old or you dont. There is obviously regret on his part and not knowing if this child was his or not to begin with and being absent. He obviously wants a relationship now and thats all that should matter. You cant be that selfish making it JUST about you. That child is innocent in all of this and would want a relationship with its father. Why would this child change the love you have for him. Is your love for him that fragile? He is opening up about this NOW & needs your support more than ever .

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My uncle had a secret baby. He never told anyone till yearssssss later and he only told my mom because his wife and their baby during pregnancy passed away due to cancer.

Some people hide traumatic events. In which he lost his child. He probably couldn’t afford the cost because boyyyy it’s expensive.(going through this now and it’s costing us close to 10K so far and nothing has even started!)

He was 19, over a decade ago. Nothing to do with you honestly.

I would have a hard time with this. I mean, judges tend to favor men more and more and this man could have opened up a visitation case at any given time for next to nothing and he didn’t. That would bother me but he was also 19 when it happened and 19-year-olds are always stupid. Yes, he should have told you before now but you’re about to have a baby and it’s a little late so you’re going to have to forgive this.

There’s no parenting handbook. It has nothing to do with you or your experience. And he had no control. He was a kid

If he lied about a child what else will he lie about? I wouldn’t let that go. Its a person not a thing you just forget about and not tell your partner about.

For those laughing i doubt you would be laughing if it happened to you.


Did he tell you he had no kids at all or just said no kids? I feel like there’s a difference and he is allowed to feel guilty and ashamed for not fighting.

Maybe since he she ran an didnt get to see him … He wanted the feeling of being a dad

I wouldn’t stress it he hasn’t been there for him so just leave well enough alone

I feel happy because people are very positive here and replying in a nice way… everyone here is trying to save their relationship thats great… i salute everyone here who comment positively

Are you fucking serious?

Well, if you don’t want your man anymore, I’ll take him and his kids off your hands?

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Imagine how hurt he is !

Maybe he was scared that if he told you he had a child that you would have left him. People make mistakes, no one is perfect. If you love each other talk about it and more on . Life is to short …

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What Nicole Krcilek , Alexis Jones , Shelly Perry , Luvia Fernandez have said touches on what I think. Did you make perfect choices at the age of 19? What was he supposed to do if the mother left with the baby and married someone else? At 19, a boy is limited in his resources to find then fight for a child that may or may not be his. That information is missing from this story. You are about to have a child. This is your opportunity to have a baby with this man. A baby he knows is his. Are you going to make a family with him? Or are you going to use this information as a reason to leave him and take this baby away from him? Don’t let your hormones and emotions overtake rational thinking right now.


Doesn’t sound suspicious to me. Sounds like your husband was confused and hurt and ashamed. And this was long before you, he didn’t cheat on you and have a another child. He was a child and had a child. It sounds like he feels really bad all the way around. I would support him.

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I found out that my dad had a daughter with a married woman that me & 2 sisters didn’t know anything about. I tried & tried to find her. I never succeeded:-(((((

To me, he doesn’t really have a child, which is why he was excited for yours. There is a child that may have his genetics. A child that he hasn’t seen, spoken to, watched grow up, played catch with, etc.
He might be having a hard time with the guilt and shame of not fighting to see if the child is his, and for his right to see the child.
Should he have told you about it sooner, probably. But it’s not really something you bring up right away and then it would be hard to find the right time.

I had the exact same experience as you. Found out I was pregnant the father was so excited to be a dad couldn’t wait! Wanted a little girl sooo badly, come to find out when child support order came he has an 8 year old. I felt gutted 6 months pregnant.

Ok so I have a question before I can give my 2 cents. It says he has a maybe baby, and has not seen him since he was 2. Was he in his life from birth until 2 ? Did he know said child was his ? That would make a big difference.

If he’s not involved don’t worry about it unless he’s on Child supoirt

DNA to know for sure …then decide