QUESTION:
“Okay, here goes, and this is going to be long, so if you continue reading, I truly appreciate you. I have been married for nine years. We have three kiddos together. We got married very young. My husband was 18, and I was 20. I didn’t fully understand or know what I wanted at that age. But for the most part, our marriage has always worked. He is kind, he helps around the house, he is obsessed with me, he works hard. But as the years went on and bedroom issues arose (That he refused to get checked out due to being embarrassed), I started to feel differently. I went years with not being satisfied in the bedroom…and when he did get help, it was too late for me. And sex isn’t a big thing to some people, but it is for me, and I went unhappy for so long. Now that his issues are fixed, I have no feelings for him. I have planned to leave, but the kids always stop me because they are so young, and he is such a great father and a great person. We do not argue at all either; it’s just bland. We get along great as friends, but there is no passion. At all. And I need that passion that most people can live without. What do I do? He is a great person, well rounded, and a great father, but I don’t feel anything toward him but friendship. I hate that. I hate that I am not deeply madly in love with him, but I cannot force it; I’ve tried. I don’t want to spend my life miserable when life is short, but I also don’t love him. But we work together. It’s so confusing. We tried counseling and everything, so please do not suggest that. I want a love that consumes me, and I want to be obsessed with my partner. Also, the day that I tried leaving, he cut himself… and I know that is a form of manipulation, but I feel bad because he is such a great person, and I know he did it for attention…ugh. Should I break up our family because I am not happy or just stay until the kids are older because we do get along and they deserve to be near him all the time?”
TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
"Maybe a little getaway might rekindle the flame. A great guy who is a good father and is “obsessed” with you is not easy to find. Maybe focusing on the good things he does for you and your kids will help, rather than thinking how unsatisfied you are in the bedroom. If you truly want it, you can make it work.
“As we grow in our relationship the love changes. We can’t stay in puppy love forever (that would be exhausting). We have to continue working on it, not growing apart but growing together. Seek counseling, do things to fall back in love, or your next post will be about a loveless, lonely relationship that you regret. Good men are hard to find, so when you do count yourself lucky.”
“You need to realize that all consuming love doesn’t stay around forever. It changes as we mature. If you’re constantly looking for that type of love I see any failed relationships in your future. You need something to rekindle your relationship. Take a romantic vacation together, no kids! You’ve got it made with him. Remember what you had in the beginning & concentrate on that.”
“You’re never going to be “madly in love” or “passionate” all the time. That’s a fairytale. Marriage is all about finding a best friend, someone you can trust to get through every life battle with together!! Watch yourself! You trust him and he’s boring. Leave him to find someone your are “passionate” with and then boom find out you have cancer… little passionate boy is gone in the wind and your best friend… you will wish you had that kind of trustworthy stability in your life. My advice… take a trip just you and him and spice it up. It’s actually a lot of fun trying new things with someone you 100% trust!”
“Love is a daily choice, not a feeling. You go searching for the fairy tale of an all-consuming feeling and you’ll eventually be disappointed. It doesn’t exist. You wake up every single day and you choose to honor your vows. You choose to love that person.”
“Do you go on dates still? Remember why you fell in love. Life gets busy and kids don’t make it easier to get that alone adult time. Start dating him again to see if you can find that spark that you once had.”
“I think you ought to change your perspective a little. Commitment is a choice. Of course, after 9 years there will be a lull. It’s your choice to water your grass.”
“You need to stay and work this out. My guess is…if you break your family up in hopes of finding something better, you’ll soon learn the grass isn’t always greener. You seem to have a good man and you’ve committed yourself to see it through.”
“Sounds like you guys have been stuck in a routine for so long you’ve become accustomed to this way of living. Stop living like that and go back to “dating”. You have to rekindle that spark between you guys. Stop putting energy into wanting to leave to find “that perfect love “ and water your own grass. I bet if you put as much energy into your marriage as you are wanting to leave, you will find that spark. Goodluck!”
“If you want to try, there’s tons of stuff these days to rekindle that. But just know that every relationship eventually levels out and it’s not new and shiny any more, and in 9 more years you’ll still be dissatisfied if you don’t choose to learn how to keep it burning how you want.”
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