My husband is mentally ill and I need advice: Help?

At what point do you realize it’s PTSD, depression, ADHD, or narcissism? I’m at a loss. I’ve been married for almost four years now. In the beginning, when my husband and I were dating, and the first nine months of our marriage, it was long distance due to his job. He was so charming; he knew the hell I’d been through in previous relationships and vowed to be different. He promised me the world, and honestly, I fell for it. Fast forward to moving in together, and honestly, it’s been hell. He can’t communicate. I have to walk on eggshells constantly. I can say the simplest thing as it could potentially set him off. Then there’s no talking once he’s been set off. It’s the silent treatment. He says it’s to “punish me” because he knows I would rather talk things out. He has a problem with alcohol. It makes him really aggressive and means. He says it’s not a problem though, that he could quit if he wanted. He has no will power though; he knows his limits and will even say I’m not going past this amount etc. because I don’t want to be mean to you, but it’s like he can’t stop himself. Once he starts, he loses all control. He cuts me down every single day, whether it’s about my weight, me being a bad mom, the house, my personality, my family, etc. I wait on him hand and foot always have, he will even tell you this, but he says that doesn’t make someone a good spouse. He threatens to punch me and throw me out of windows over really small things, but he’s never done anything physical except push me and throw things at me. Mostly yells, screams, cut me down, etc. I have never met anyone who can say the meanest vilest things he comes to with and feels zero remorse. I wonder often how he is even human. He’s a monster, yet he thinks he’s an incredible person. You can’t mention anything to him as he automatically will turn his faults to you. He shifts the blame immediately. Nothing is ever his fault. Anyhow, I could go on and on. But he said he would seek help so he went to a doctor and he said they said it was just ADHD and gave him so medicine. It’s been a month now, and I can’t see the medication has done a single thing for him. Does any of this sound like ADHD? Everything I read says narcissism, but when I mention it, he flies off the handle. Is there a cure for that? I love my husband, and I know he’s obviously struggling with some serious under demons, and I don’t want to give up on my marriage. Forever, for better or worse, in sickness and in health? And I know he’s sick mentally, and I want to help him, I’m willing to do anything to help him, but I cannot survive this forever.


Unfortunately you can’t help your husband until he wants help. You say he’s verbally abuse and throws things at you. My question is how long is it going to be before he does become physically violent with you? You can’t talk to him about getting help as it will only make matters worse. I say it’s time to test his love for you and give him an ultimatum and say that unless he seems help for his anger issues and drinking that you’re leaving to see if that will make him want to get help. It’s definitely not ADHD as I raised a daughter with ADHD and she never got violent. I wish you the best of luck with your situation. I will be praying for you. :pray::pray:

It Is not ADHD he is lying to you about the doc. You need to leave, trust me I have been there and it will get worse. If he doesnt want help then you have to help yourself. Your worth more then that and you deserve more then that, love yourself and leave please. I dont want to see you hurt anymore then you are already. I understand you love him, but you have to understand that he DOESNT love you. If he did he wouldn’t keep hurting you like that. He sounds like an alcoholic with anger issues and until he get help for himself there is nothing you can do for him. Your just enabling him and that is not help either of you… you need to also get help for yourself, because some part of you is believing him when he says those things about you and your self esteem is very low too. You need help to get you back. You home should be your safe place, not a place of horror. Take care and reach out if you need too. I’m here for you…

It’s not ADHD.
It will not get better, please seek help in leaving him. I understand it’s hard and you love him…but you NEED to love YOU more. YOU deserve more than this YOU deserve to be loved and appreciated. Leave and if he is serious about getting help he will do so without you there, chances are he will not but then you will demand it through the divorce if he seeks custody of any sort. Reach out if you need to talk.


That’s straight up narcissism. It’s all about him, at all times, otherwise he gets abusive. That’s most definitely not PTSD, depression, or ADHD.

He is a abuser if he does all this to you while he is drunk that’s what he thinks about when sober have you ever heard a drunk mans words is a sober mans thoughts I say get u and your children out of this situation before it gets wrose

Everything you’ve described screams narcissism. I stayed for 15 years. It only gets worse. You have to leave.

Bless your heart girl! Lived like that for 17 years. Mentally and physically abused. NO-ONE deserves that. I know you’re scared and don’t think you can do it but girl you’ll find a strength you never knew you had. I had no job and 2 kids. Best decision i ever made. Praying for you💛


Complex PTSD is what it sounds to me. True narcissism is actually very rare, but even so, it’s a personality disorder just the same. Personalities dont change, not with out a substantial amount of effort. And ye would have to do it alone in order for him to make the progress he really needs to. It’s ok for you to love him…and ye needs as much if it as he can get, but you gotta look out for you. He cannot. Be safe mama and I hope you find peace!!!

Narcissistic is what I’m getting out of this… & you can’t change someone who doesn’t see any wrong in their actions. I tried for years… good luck & best wishes!


Narcissistic . All of the above it’s brutal . I hope you find the help you need . Do not allow such behavior in front of your children it’s just harmful in the long run not physical only but mentally.

It will only escalate until you are a shell of your former self. And once you lose your self respect, you are at his mercy. Leave and dont look back. There are so many wonderful men out there that can and will treat you with the respect you deserve.

Sweetie. As much as you want to help him… he has to admit it first and then do something until then not much you can do other than protect yourself and kiddos. Prayers.


It only gets worse from there go get papers and divorce him. These little comments he says and threatens you eventually turn into actions and then you really feel trapped. We get you love the guy but sometimes people just can’t be loved until they can love themselves first.

Definitely not adhd. Sounds like 100% narcissism! I honestly say run as far as you can! He’s definitely got some demons and if he’s not willing to see any of it it’s NOT going to get better. Emotional abuse is just as bad if not worse than the physical!


Find a domestic violence advocate and get help for yourself and children. It doesn’t matter WHY he acts abusive or what a possible diagnosis could be. HE is chosing to treat you this way, you need to put your children first and leave. You can build a good peaceful life for them and yourself!


Please get help for yourself!!! My heart hurts for you… I’m sorry to say, people don’t change easily. And I strongly believe it was a misdiagnosis. But I’m no doctor. Just the fact that he threatened to hit or push you out of the window… please get out and get help… PLEASE GO!!!


Girl that’s an abuser mentality! Get your kids and run! Just because he hasn’t physically hurt you (throwing shit at you is abuse) doesn’t mean he won’t. Don’t stand for it. Remember your kids see this. What would you tell your daughter if this was happening to her??? Get out of the marriage it is not worth it.


Leave, before he snaps and kills you. Noone ever thinks it will happen. it does, everyday. You’re mentality is that of a victim, get the hell out and take your power back. I’m not saying get a divorce, but separate until or if he gets help…
And proves himself. Be careful. God bless.


It’s not ADHD
All I can say it’s a hard road
I’ve been there. In some ways still am. Could be alcohol. But might be bipolar. Praying for you

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There’s never been a woman lying in a hospital bed who says she didn’t see it coming. He is giving you some major hints. One day he may make good on what he’s said and throw you out a window. It doesn’t matter what type of psychosis this is. It is wrong. Take your children and leave.

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You just said yourself," I know hes dealing with some serious underdemons," trust what you are seeing, not what you hope it will be. Don’t wait until it’s too late and one day he gets so made he really does throw you out the window or worse. Hes clearly dealing with anger, and God knows what other trauma you dont know about. The alcohol makes it worse. All these things feed the demons and keep them attached to him, you, your home, everything, even your children if you have them
You can love the demons out of people. Only God can do that, but there has to be fill surrender and willingness from your husband. You r afraid to be alone and he is breaking you down emotionally and mentally to keep you atti, steal your peace and your power. Get your life back


This is alcoholic and drug fueled abusive behavior. Leave now. Get help for you and restraining paper for h I m. If he makes a huge change in 5 to ten years. Let him see the kids thru lawyers only. Do not put your kids thru it.

He needs counseling but if he refuses to better himself your love will not make him better. Try to talk to him about counseling but if he refuses you might have to separate it’s not fair for him to lash out at you.

Doesn’t matter what he’s dealing with mentally it does not excuse his behaviour. And as your child gets older they will see and hear all of the things he does. Nothing and no one is worth your sanity. Leave that’s the only way to stop it.

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this completely described my life

You need to leave now

The specific condition at this point is irrelevant. If you’re not a doctor what good does it do you? Even if you were what could you do to compel him to undergo treatment? Identifying the condition/s is not relevant, it just turns into excuses.

These little excuses are incredibly dangerous because they feed this misconception that there is something you can do to help him, to fix him, to change him, to turn him into the man you thought you married.
There’s nothing you can say to bless him against his demons. There’s no pill you can give him to cure his alcoholism. Treating him like he’s “just sick” assumes that there’s some cure and that all you have to do is find it.

That’s just not true and if it were it wouldn’t be that easy. He won’t get better unless he wants to. And if he won’t do better for you, his wife, then who will he do it for?

And suffering for the sake of moral principle is…just foolish.
If you want to be certain you’ve done all you can before you call it quits, fine, respect. But you already know what you need to know.

You married an abusive drunk. That’s too common a story not to learn from.
Please please don’t let your situation turn into another repeat.
Run just as fast as you can, right now, the sooner and faster the better.
Playing at “maybe” turns into another day getting pushed, then another week getting things thrown at you, then another month being belittled and another year living in fear.

A spouse does not punish the other with puerile games. That’s what someone does to children.
If that doesn’t give you an indication as to how he regards you, then maybe the cliche “I can quit whenever I want…but I obviously don’t want to for you” should.

Please, just leave.
“Giving up on your marriage” is a trap. It’s a delusion that makes you the one responsible for a failed relationship by calling it off. Just stop right there.

The relationship cannot succeed without mutual respect and support. The situation you describe bears that out. Therefore it has already failed, the damage is already done, the pin is already out of the grenade and you need to take care of yourself.

You can NOT do for him what he is not willing to do for himself.
Do for YOURSELF what you can.


I spent 10 years in a similar marriage. I only recently left my husband. I told him that his behavior and attitude was taking him to a dark place, and that I could not go with him. I felt scared to tell him I wanted to leave, so I pushed him to get therapy. In the first therapy session with me and my husband, I said that I wanted to separate. I spent the next week packing his belongings and talking to my mom and my son about the situation. It was very clear that I and my son were better away from him. The next week, in the second therapy session, I said that I wanted a divorce. He asked me later why I didn’t just say that to begin with. I told him that we were always fighting, and he would never listen to me, even over small things. I told him I was scared of how he would react if I was with him alone. After two weeks, I had to quickly leave the state and move back with my mom and sister. PLEASE DON’T STAY ANY LONGER!! Find a therapist, have him join in the second session, and tell him the truth. It is VITAL that you have a safe place with a witness to what is said. Love cannot heal someone else, no matter what we are desperate to believe. I know it is hard, but leaving will be the best thing for you both. You will be safe, and hopefully, he can get help on fixing himself. But, this also comes with an additional warning. DO NOT EVER GO BACK. If you do, things will become worse than they are right now. I know. I lived in the same hell for over a decade. I don’t want to see anyone else go through this.


Adhd? Not hardly. Get away from it. He’s abusive and it’s not gonna get any better. Don’t let “mental problem” be your excuse.

Its abuse hun it maybe hard to hear .but not all abuse is physical.mental abuse is often so much worse. We actually start to believe its our fault that we somehow caused this.and then they start to separate you from family and friends.and so far he hasn’t put his hands on you he will .yes he will they all do its how abusers work and hell of it is he will make you believe you caused it and deserved it.then he wont be happy just hurting you he will hurt your children to hurt you. DO NOT BE THAT WOMAN!!!get out hun .while the gettin is good.don’t think you can fix it or you can change him .YOU CAN NOT. just go.wait until hes he goes to work grab a bag and some cash and get the hell out of there.

mental issues or not does not give him the right to be abusive. stop enabling his behavior or you’ll b on meds

No this does not sound like ADHD. Sounds like he’s just a regular asshole. He doesn’t sound like he’s mentally ill. Besides only a psychiatrist can diagnose someone as mentally ill. I am experienced in this field and know plenty of mentally ill people and only two have anger issues.

Been right where You are!!!

He’s a sociopath. GET OUT NOW.

He’s everything you said and bi polar as all hell and he’s neurotic as fuck he is my father’s flower a blooming idiot because he doesn’t see his faults he has a God complex and will never change