My husband is never around anymore: Advice?

Hello ladies. Some advice here. I’m pretty sad about my marriage right now. In fact, I’ve been like this for over three years or so. Mainly because my husband is pretty absent from home and family life; he’s started businesses, which is why he’s away most of the time. I was patient for a long time to wait for him to get settled send spend more time with us. But then again, I feel like he’s not even trying to do this anymore. We have teenagers, and our youngest is two years old. I often go to bed alone and have a daytime job. He doesn’t even have time to help out with daily duties. Sometimes I wish he’d come to bed with me when I do. But I know he’s annoyed when he does. Like he’s eager to go out there and be somewhere else. He smokes weed, by the way. I feel like he’d rather be out there getting high than being here at home with us. We DO have a great sex life, but then I feel like this is all he wants me for. Other than taking a trip from time to time. Maybe once every two years, we’ve stopped doing regular family outings, like picnics, eating supper, things like normal families do. It’s not like he’s out of town to do things like this. Sometimes I think about just taking a break. Not actually separate, but just leave town for a year for school or work out of here. I’ve gotten so depressed that I’ve picked up drinking regularly. I don’t like the person I’m turning into; I’m at a loss and might not be thinking straight. I do things for myself from time to time, but I can’t always depend on my teenagers to look after their younger siblings. They deserve to go out there and do teenage things.


Pot isn’t the problem. Your husband is. Sorry to say but he may have another relationship. :cry:


You need counseling to figure what you want for yourself. No one else can tell you what you want from life. It doesn’t seem like a marriage without salvation but it does need work.

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Never knock a man for providing for his family but not WANTING to be home is sad. Counseling? Sitting down and doing a no yell zone no matter how mad you get and ask him to spill the good and bad


Why haven’t you talked to him about this? How do the teens feel about him doing everything but being a dad? I don’t agree with people saying counselling just because of the fact they can’t tell you want to do or need to do in the stand point. They trained for more mental issues then just regular issues besides marriage counseling


You need to take care of you. (And your kids). Tell him that you want to leave because of all the reasons you listed above and if he can’t change and be more present then there’s no sense in being married. Also, I’m not a fan of pot and regardless or what people say it can ruin people because they only worry about that and not anything else


Sounds like your already single mom get into some counseling for your drinking. Also set husband down and explain what you expect and if he cant give it your done.


I read your situation and honestly, you sound exactly like one of my friends. She is, and has been, in this same situation. I am at a loss to tell you what to do. The only thing i can suggest is that you seek some kind of professional help as a last alternative. If talking about the rift you feel growing with your husband isn’t helping; then rather let it continue i hope you seek a professionals advice rather than throw this marraige away. It just sounds as if both of you have gotten tired and need some help reconnecting. Raising a family is very hard work. Sometimes its even harder struggling to balance the family unit versuses the couple unit. I hope you find a way to keep it all intact.

Sounds to me like you need to start living again. Don’t leave your teenagers home alone and don’t depend on them to babysit your children. You don’t have to leave to go to school. Maybe it might be a good idea to not make yourself so available to him and go on vacation with the kids without him. Sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder.


Weed isn’t the issue, just your husband. How many businesses does he run? Sounds very fishy to me.


Leave. Men suck marriage is pointless.
It’s not what it used to be.


Honestly, you need to sit down and talk with him. And if he doesn’t want to, if he gets angry and irritated over the request, well…as sucky as it is, that is your answer.

Marriage is a partnership…with ALL aspects of it, not just sex. So if he’s not willing to invest his energy into it, well…that is an answer, because ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS! ALWAYS!!!

I tell my daughters to GO WITH THEIR GUT INSTINCT!!! I wish I’d gone with mine.

But if he chooses to sit down, and listen to you, and discuss the future of your relationship and marriage, well, then you’ll see there’s a chance to salvage it!!!

Best of luck to you!!!


Sounds like you have a good man. He provides, you have a good sex life, obviously money to take trips. Just kinda sounds like you are the one who is bored :woman_shrugging:


I can tell you after kids and working a full time job, I too, don’t have the energy or want to do “family things” like picnics. I’d rather work or be home with the kids.


Get your drinking under control. Who wants to be married to a drunk! Him smoking weed has zero to do with anything. Go to counseling and figure yourself out. Then work on your marriage.


It’s not his fault you’re drinking. You need to learn how to cope in a healthy way.


I think everyone has their own ideas about what intimacy is and for men, mostly not all the time, it’s sexual contact. He may feel very connected to you. Everyone’s “love language” is very different. It’s important to talk to him, not fight or lecture, just talk and explain. If then he chooses to continue the behavior the choice is yours to what you want in your life.

It’s important to stop drinking. If you’ve gotten to the point of noticing it’s a problem, it is. Remember always you are the only person responsible for your own behavior and it sounds like you have an absent father in the home… that means the kids need you more than ever.

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Smoking weed doesn’t make you a bad person.


You drink, he smokes. Those are symptoms of your problems. Maybe a separation is what you both need so you can see where you want to be in life.

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But down the bottle and smoke a bowl with him. May be surprised to find how much you enjoy each others company

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I’m surprised on how many mom’s are defending this man just because he smokes weed :joy::joy:


Oh hun talk to him. Tell him everything you are feeling and how you want and need things to change. If you want to go to school do it!! Who cares what he thinks either way. But talk to him and tell him. Say you are unhappy and want a change. Express exactly what you told us and then listen. I’m sure he has somethings to talk about to. And at the end of the conversation you guys need to decide. Are we going to try and make these changes together or separately. And whatever happens do what makes you happy ASAP because life is short and you don’t want to let it slip by while your unhappy.
(Ps I wish I would have known to do this earlier and when I did he didn’t want to change I wish I would have left earlier)


Girl, count your blessings, my husband started his business four years ago and I rarely see him now that we have opened a second shop. I know he is doing all he can to provide for us. When I am unhappy I have learned to communicate what makes me unhappy so he can find a remedy. My husband works six days a week leaving at 7am and not getting home until sometimes 8pm. We have three kids ages 10-6 we communicate our feelings. I no longer work because one of my children has too many drs appointments and I have to be available 24/7 in case something happens. I do all the house work and all the cleaning and all extracurricular activities with the kids because my husband just doesn’t have the time. We used to have a bomb sex life but it’s dwindled to maybe once a week, but we communicate our needs to one another. I hope you get the answers you need and I really hope you can see that even though he’s not there physically that he is doing his best to provide


So, now your kiddos have no responsible parents. He’s absent and you’re an alcoholic. You need to get help and get sober. Start by recognizing you can’t blame your husband for your drinking. I would honestly suggest you get a job and start counseling for yourself.
That said, this story rings like you’re either making up excuses for yourself or you’ve made it up completely. You start by saying he opened a business but then blame weed. You don’t say anything about what kind of business, what his hours are there, etc. I don’t know, something here just isn’t making sense

Maybe he is a bigamist and has another wife somewhere else. Strange things do happen!

Look dear… Never let anyone to push you drink or smoke… I know… Cause He is do-you also trying to do… And seems like He ok cause you do all services for Him and kids… But there is no partnership and this what you feel…Like a neighbors, ye?

But. It’s your body and your skin.
Alcohol effect it, trust me.
IF you will be separate-you will be alone. With damaged face, nervous sistem and so on…
Your look is your future :wink:
And man… No matter how He is looking - He will always found woman… To kill Her self…
And… When you sad - alcohol just make it worse. Not help totally…
Who is this man that you have to do it with your self??? And lost trust of your kids?
Go to sport, bild again your self from outside-it will effect you inside also!
You feel you are separate- so do everything for YOU AND YOUR KIDS. ONLY
Make your self ready for new life, dear… It will come

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I feel like you dont talk to him and say this to his face.

Also i would make a chore list. You both have jobs and he 100% should be helping out. Even if hes away. He needs to make time for home duty.

Also i would tell him you both need 1 date night every 2 or 3 weeks on your own.

If you guys dont have a date night its unhealthy.

You need to go to therapy

Ok. Well you need to get yourself right before you worry about your relationship, because even having an involved husband won’t fix depression. It may be a trigger, but it’s not the cause. So you need to get into therapy now. Not tomorrow. Not after you talk to him. NOW. Get on meds and allow them to help you, so that you don’t need to self medicate with alcohol. And force your own sobriety in the meantime, if not for you, than for your 2 year old. That’s so sad. Your child barely has a father (according to you), why take away mommy?? There’s a part of me that wonders if he is genuinely a workaholic, and values himself for what he brings into the family, and he loves his work, and he’s not a homebody, but you are feeling like he doesn’t want to be with you, and doesn’t love you as a symptom of your depression. Even at 2 years this can be post partum depression. Or perhaps it used to be that he was a workaholic and an on-the-go kind of guy and maybe you were that kind of lady and you got depressed and he got frustrated that you wanted to be home more, and that you were tired and uninterested. Maybe you changed and he didn’t. And maybe that change was chemical. In which case there are so many options out there. Now, would it be nice if he could support you more right now through this trying time? Yes. Tell him you’re seeking help for YOUR problems and you need his support and you need him available to lean on and hand off kids too when needed. Now if he can’t be supportive or reliable during your journey to recovery, then when you have your life back, you can toss him. But until you’re healthy, you shouldn’t be making any life decisions, because how you feel today may not be how you feel in a month.

I had that marriage once. I worked days he worked nights. He’s come home from work n drink til he passed out usually on the couch. I’d get up n he’d go 2 bed. No sex for 21/2 years. He had an affair with a co-worker. We separated. I filed 4 divorce. We reconsiled. Split again 2 years later cuz it was back 2 same old thing. Wether u leave or not is something u gotta figure out 4 urself. It’s not easy either way u choose. I would suggest u go 2 marriage counseling 2gether. Wish my ex woulda agreed 2 this.

This sounds too familiar. My now ex husband owns his own business and always put it before anything else. I was very supportive for many many years with the promise that it would change once we had kids. It didn’t. To the point where he made me feel guilty for when my daughter was in the hospital, or when the hospital scheduled me to be induced and it overlapped with a work commitment. It was bad. He also started to smoke weed and spent all night in the garage after already coming home late and not participating in any family activities and routines. I didn’t smoke weed at all at the time and didn’t understand why he would choose to sit in the cold garage smoking instead of spending even just 30 minutes with me before going to sleep. There’s things that I did wrong after a while too since I was so mad at him and disappointed. Like we would hardly talk anymore, I was cold, no more sex. I didn’t feel like putting myself out there after years of being treated like this. At the end he left after I brought up that I wanted us to do counselling. He had checked out a long time ago and just wanted to get divorced. I don’t really have much advice to give given how my situation ended up. What I tell all my friends when they tell me their marriage problems is to talk about them. Don’t stop addressing them. Go to therapy. The issues won’t go away if you don’t talk about it and everyone is just mad all the time which makes it difficult to do joint things together even daily routines become hard to deal with. Schedule date nights. It may be a challenge at the beginning but then it’ll become part of the routine and time to have fun and reconnect.
I have picked up smoking weed here and there and I have to say although I don’t agree at all how my ex handled things, I now understand the feeling that you have when you are high. How good and relaxed it makes you feel. How things don’t bother you. So instead of coming inside to tension and me wanting to talk about things, my ex just wanted to have that feeling and relax. Was it fair to me and his family - nope. But I do get it now to an extend. I wish he would have asked me to do it with him once in a while and then maybe we would have also done stuff like date nights etc that I wanted to do. But it was too late for us.
You are not alone in this. You are important too and your feelings are valid. Feel free to message me if you ever want to talk. Hugs

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Ever addressed these issues amongst each other or with a professional? Did you or him quit taking prescribed meds?

Please explain to me why you found it important to throw out the fact he smokes weed and then tried blaming the weed? Lol you should really lighten up n smoke a j :roll_eyes:

Sit down with him and talk to him about how your feeling and how you can both find ways to meet in the middle if he works alit he does need his down time but there his kids too and they need there dad you also need your down time get a part time job so you have a purpose and feel like you contribute to household expenses also save that money for a back out plan start planning family nights even if it’s just dinner with all you a few times a week to regroup plan a date night once a week marriage is about love work and sacrifice but don’t lose yourself if he has already checked out of this relationship never settle for less for you or your kids

First… be a sober mom. Would he miss you if you left?

So my bf and I are super busy we schedule out time we may only see each other once a month right now :woman_shrugging:t2: I feel like this u want a successful man he’s gonna be busy. You like having nice things the work don’t do it self: I like my trips and gifts and cool stuff I get to do and I’m spoiled. Our relationship is mainly texting because we are so busy. Maybe you need to step back and try and see how else things will work :woman_shrugging:t2:

It sounds like he’s already checked out of the marriage so start taking care of yourself. Get gym membership, start exercise. The exercise will make u feel so good you can think things out better. Really.

Talk to him and tell him how you feel

Talk about it on Christmas and begin a new year

You need to talk to someone. Ministers are usually free.

Man has to do what he has to do