My husband is upset that I am busy and he is with the kids: Advice?

So I’ll start this by saying that my hubby and I have been in a little bit of a rough patch. When my youngest got old enough to go to daycare, I started a new job, and I’ve recently switched to the night shift. So the nights I work, I get home around 8, sleep until 2ish, get up, get ready, clean/do laundry, then get the kids. We decided that it’s easier for him when I do work to bring the kids to his parent’s house so he can go to the gym. So I feel like I’m working my tail off, and I definitely don’t get as much sleep like him. I know he’s exhausted, but he makes comments all the time about me not helping out. It’s gotten to the point that he’s saying stuff to our oldest (5 years old) and she’s repeating it. I get he’s frustrated by the change because it leaves him with the kids in the morning and bedtime, but his parents help during the week through dinnertime, and I’m helping as much as I can when I work and all the time when I’m off. I do all of the housework and him meal preps and cooks all the dinner for the week on Sundays. I’m upset that he really feels like I’m not helping deep down and that he’s expressing it to our child. He’s done something similar before, and I have to remind him frequently about being careful of what is said in front of the kids. Whenever I try to talk to him about how he’s feeling, I either get his fiery temper or a brick wall. I don’t know what to do, but I’m miserable.


You really should communicate this with him. If your jobs pay insurance for therapy you better go that route

Tell him you are miserable… Never let a job come between you and your family. Apparently the night shift route is not what works for you and your family.

  1. I’ve done the different shifts thing, its TERRIBLE on the relationship 2. Sounds like he is not being supportive or understanding

Leave him and go for child support

Well to bad for him, he gets to go to the gym, his parents lend a hand with the kids, YOU are contributing to the finances by working. He’s being very childish especially telling this to your child.


Have a talk with him how your feeling. Tell him it’s time to cut all the extra stuff out. The gym has to go. How much time is he spending there?

Clearly working nights isn’t doing your family any good. Sounds like you can see yourself that it’s a struggle so maybe put your family first and change to a day time job.


Sometimes you have to stop helping for them to realize everything you do

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He is probably feeling neglected …maybe u need to make a day where u spend some time with him…sit him down n have a talk with him about it

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Remind him that Co parenting in a separated relationship would mean him having to actually DO More… :roll_eyes:
There’s a bit of meal prep for him to chew on.


As a SAHM, I gotta say, the only times I tell my husband I absolutely need him is wake time and bed time. I hate them both on my own. Now maybe if I didn’t have to clean or do chores or cook, it wouldn’t matter. Idk. Either way, you both need to recognize how hard the other is working, and that you both contribute important stuff. If you start keeping score, everyone loses. Maybe it’s time for the 2 of you to get away for a weekend together. If that doesn’t work, you need to find other compromises in life and around the house. And if that doesn’t work you’re gonna have to go to counseling, or decide that you both have to find new jobs with the same hours. Idk what else you could do besides end it. But if he doesn’t have the energy to take care of the kids now, lol, oh boy. Good luck!


I don’t think it’s fair how some of these replies say that the night job isn’t working for your family so you should quit. It sounds like you are pulling your own weight and he’s being a baby. Time to man up


He needs to grow up. If he was nights and you did all the day stuff no one would bat an eye because “that’s what women do.” Hun you are doing all the food prep ect. He gets the fun stuff. If he can’t parent up then you need to try councelling.


That’s not right for him to talk to you like crap I’d leave


He needs to man up. He helped make them he can help raise them


Tell him to man up. He isn’t too tired for the gym! He isn’t too tired to complain and act like a prat! He relied on you for so much and is unappreciative. He is a parent too. Get it done sir


Are they his kids or your… or both… if you work 3rd when does he work? Can they go to daycare? Evenings should be team work if he works 1st shift…

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My husband has worked nights the entire 7 years we’ve been together and yes it’s hard but I would NEVER complain to our kids that he isn’t helping around the house. He helps as much as he possibly can but I get more sleep than he does. So I do “more” for the kids and house than he does. But that’s fine. Your husband is lucky he can take the kids somewhere so he can go to the gym. I’m lucky to get an uninterrupted shower a few days a week. And forget about going somewhere without the kids. I went and got my nails done in October and that’s the only “me time” I had THE WHOLE YEAR.


Might want to check out therapy that way you have a non-biased mediator to help you learn how to communicate with each other in a way that is more constructive instead of angry.

Does he work outside the home also?

What’s with these women acting like kids saying leave him? That may be the route for you but there is more to this marriage. Try different options but don’t give up easily like these people tell you to. No one knows your home like you. I suggest counseling and an reorganization of priorities. Things he say are definitely hurtful and insulting. Make him aware.


I’m 32 years old my parents always worked different shifts my dad goes from days to nights and have days off my dad try to do something fun with just me and my sister and then did something fun as a family and then something fun with just my mom and dad as far as your husband talk to him set some goals in your relationship and make each a priority

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The answer is pretty clear… working night shift does not work for your family as a whole so either switch back to day shift or find a different job with better hours for your family


Stop prepping food too let him see how much you do .let it all go so he can do it or wake him up when u clean in the early morning so he can help you too

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I mean…I get that you work nights but how do you find it so easy to sleep so much during the day? I worked nights at one point as well I was a single parent i worked 930 to 6 sometimes 7 a.m i couldn’t sleep for long periods of time… so i mean yeah you’ll be tired of try sleeping for less time? Do some house work during the day instead of shoving everything into 1 day… or try switching your work schedule? How many kids do you have, how old are they?

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Sounds to me like he enjoyed you being at home, handling the house, children, meals, etc…, while he was merely earning a living. Now that you have returned to work, he’s bitter that he’s having to do any of these tasks that he feels are YOUR responsibility. Yes, he could be wanting your attention, but as a grown man, he should be communicating THAT, if that’s his issue. Unless you are willing to stay at home or find a job with “banker’s hours” AND still pull all the weight at home, I am not sure you can fix it. Counseling might help, but he’s sounding pretty immature (talking to the 5yr old, rather than trying to come up with solutions and sharing them with you), so I’m no so sure about that!


Is he doing his 50%? If not he needs to shut up and put up. That being said it is soooooooooooo hard to plan to do ANYTHING when you are on night shift, the struggle is r-e-a-l. Saying you can do the housework before you go to bed is sometimes unrealistic. Saying you can do it before heading out to work ( especially if getting kids ready is involved) is unrealistic. I found that for me I had to learn to do it right then and there…pick up and put stuff back right after I get it out. Laundry was thrown in b4 a shift and tossed in the dryer after shift. Days off were used to do the majority of the work, it is just impossible on work days. Hubby needs to do his 50% too. If he is not there is probably some issues that need addressed. If you dont feel like you can address those issues ( you mentioned his temper, that is why I say that) then its time to start thinking of a different plan for your life. It sucks but he does not get to trash talk you to your kids or treat you like that! Thats a deal breaker

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My husband and I have been together for 41.5 years. While our kids were growing up I worked 3rd shift. Would take the kids to school, prep for dinner do some light house cleaning and took a nap. Would pick the kids up at school help with school work, husband home we had dinner I went to bed. The week-end were crazy. Kids sports, grocery shopping, deep house cleaning and laundry. Sunday night after kids went to bed we had a little bit of time with each other. I’d have a cigarette (no judging,I dont smoke any more quit 15 years ago) and a glass of wine he’d have a beer and we would usually fall asleep on the couch. So it can be done. But sounds like he doesn’t want to.oh we had no help from family. Our kids grew up with a strong sense of family. We had 2 boys and a daughter, now we have 2 grown family men and a wonderful grown woman mother of 3.

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If he’s got the energy to hit the gym he ain’t working hard enough


Your husband is being a baby. Your doing your best while working in the home too. My husband complains I put his ass In his place your children too! I always complain how tired and annoying the kids can get but we are both doing the best we can. My husband works shift work and he’s never on schedule and I do without his help 98% of the time but he helps when he’s home I appreciate it. One day he will get used to the routine.

If working night shift is causing hardships for your marriage I would look into a day job.

It’s all communication, you both feel exhausted but don’t see what the other does so it’s easy to point the finger. Ask the in-laws if they can give you both a full weekend to get back to a comfortable place with him (go on date night, get a massage together) . Then map out your day on a planner and ask him to fill in his schedule and what he does. Sometimes, men need to see it on paper… What we do. It might help him see your perspective.

He isn’t doing his part at all sorry to say it. My husband and I do the same shifts. He works days I work nights. I don’t do food prep or any of that crap. He does it all. I sleep from 8 to 230 when the kids get off from school go into work at 6 at night. I’m doing mornings he is doing evenings we share weekend responsibilities but he lets me have the option to sleep in on the mornings if I want to. It has to be equal or it will not work out. It’s hard. Not all husbands can handle the extra responsibility of everything I hate to say it.

Talk with him sit down find time for just you 2 I’m a stay at home and do 90% of house work cooking but my husband works alot but when he’s home we are a team we do everything together cooking kids cleaning he knows how much work I put in with appointments our 8 month old I’m only one who gets up with her at night because I breastfeed no point in my opinion y’all need to figure out a balance that works for y’all sit and talk and figure it out remember team work makes the dream work

Wow … So sound like a champion. You need all the help you can .Good luck!!!

He should be bloody helping he is there father at the end of the day ,by sounds of things he has the easy end of the bargain here , if he continues to moan and if he continues saying stuff to your five year old then I’m sorry he needs to be told to grow tf up at the end of the day what would he do if u didn’t do all the meal prep ,cleaning and other stuff u do tell him to not be so ungrateful

So if the nights is the problem and the days wasnt switch back to days . . Working nights is hard I’ve done it. But if your paying for day care why not you both work during the day so your both home in the evening to help each other . So neither of you feel overwhelmed. Just my opinion.

If you both work outside the home, house duties and family responsibilities should be 50/50. Don’t let him make you feel bad because he is cranky that he has to do his share. Him venting to your 5 year old is childish and could cause emotional issues. I would tell him if you have to do everything, you’ll just do it your damn self without dealing with his man-child ways. If you want to be a stay at home parent, thats one thing, but this is another.

Have you thought about having him get a job while you take on the kids for a while? It may work a little better since according to your post, you do a lot for the kids anyway. He may just need a break from them and him going back to work could make it easier on you. If you don’t think you can quit maybe moving to 1st shift would make it easier. That way you both can work while your kids go to daycare/school. Lightens the load a little.

He needs to fix his attitude and start appreciating

Tell him he can work days and nights and you’ll quit your job and do everything at the house/with the kids if he wants to be a fucking cry baby like that

1 word: therapy.

People give it a bad rep but when in situations like this, honestly no amount of advice anyone could give you would help as much as therapy with a professional. If he’s giving you a firey temper or a wall he obviously has no desire to just listen to you, so a therapist as a mediator sometimes can really help open someone. It takes effort on everyone’s part and it sounds like he doesn’t want to do his part. Maybe he thinks his responsibility should be to just make money? If that’s the case maybe he should also take some parenting classes or attend some support groups and get a change of mind. Good luck momma.

Wow. That’s messed up. Have him write a list of what he does and what he thinks you do. And you do the same. Y’all need to meet in the middle and this sounds pretty much like you do way to much.

You tell that man he helped have them so he’s going to help raise them. If women work who made it where they have to come home and still work while the man sits around. Nooo the man needs to help with the kids to

It sounds like he wants you to do it all, and if your already doing it all why do u need him? You cook, you clean, you meal prep for him, you work night shift, he goes to the gym and nags you about how much more you can do lol yeah buddy he’d be in for a rude awakening if I had him lmbo he’ll be having an affair with one of those gym girls before ya know it. The ones that don’t have 99 kids, has at least 10 hours of sleep, with no bags under their eyes. The first one gives him a kind word, while your busting your ass to support him and the kids. Re-evaluate your life.


Sounds like you’ve inconvenienced him something terrible… gym time is top priority…shame on you for taking responsibility and wanting to take care of your family

Quit your job, be a stay at home wife and let him deal w responsibility of bringing in the money! Problem solved!!! Especially if your working your butt off so he can go hang out at the gym lol your brainwashed!
Question… why is he exhausted? From the gym?? Lol


I’m so sorry honey this is hard. I’m a night shift nurse and work the 12hour shifts 3 nights a week and have done so for about 12 years now. My husband and I went through the same thing. It’s really hard and I feel for you. Night shift is just hard. It makes you feel like you parent separate and live like roommates. He’s probably feeling neglected by you because when he’s home your not and when you are there your tired, and sometimes grumpy, if I was a guessing person. Communication talk, talk a lot, and still try to make time for each other with out the kids. I know you probably feel bad leaving them on nights you are home because you work night shift but try to make your marriage important also. Talk talk talk to him. After 12 years of marriage and working night shift and arguing about parenting I came home to find my husband cheated on me. He blamed my night work. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, I felt like I was working and trying my best at being a mom and wife but it wasn’t enough🤷🏻‍♀️. We are now in process of a divorce and Im still not sure where it went wrong. But I think if I had to go back 4 years ago when he started expressing himself like your husband I would have quit my job and let him take on financial burdens or found a lower paying job while the kids were in school. Looking back I really didn’t like him doing dinner, homework,bedtime, and morning routine because he never did it as good as me, he tried but my home ran better with me in it not at work and now I think that’s what he was really trying to say all along. He loved our home better with my presence there. Good luck to you in this

Hummmm well its one way or the other, he sounds like maybe he misses you at home 24/7 and goes through your kids to get to you, write him a letter if he’s playing the big brick wall stack of cards or ignoring you, let him know again you’re doing the best you can, and if he wants you to help support the family then he needs to compromise, or you can just simply give in and stay at home and make him happy, but honestly, what do you want to do, this can’t be a 50/50 thing both of you have to give 100%, if you liked it the way it was before you took on the job the quit

Dump him. Only an asshole would say those things. Sounds controlling.

Sounds like he needs to leave.

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And some men want a mama 24/7 to give in to there needs and wants,I’ve been with my husband almost 31 years they all need mothering lol