My husband recently left us. I’m broken over it. I love him so much and didn’t see this coming. The thing that hurts the most though is that my kids are blaming themselves and thinking that they weren’t good enough to keep him in their lives. He is their stepdad. He stepped in and stepped up when their bio dad decided that he didn’t want to be a dad anymore. My husband has been in our lives for 6 short years but that was enough to make a huge impact. I know that I’ll be ok with time. I just want him to be happy even if it isn’t with me. How do I help my kids though? How do I take away the pain that they’re in?
I havent gone thru this or know anyone who’s been thru this but all I can say is, just be there for your kids. They too, will be ok, in time. Good luck and be blessed. Much strength to you. <3
Give it time. Lots of time.
Let them know you love them.
therapy… earlier the better… new support systems…
Keep reassuring the kids that its not their fault, that they did nothing wrong. Therapy would also help because it’ll at least get the kids to talk about their feelings instead of carrying that burden inside of thinking it was their fault. It’s pretty messed up that he didn’t consider the kids feelings.
Should the relationship end between you and he, it doesn’t mean it has to end for him and the kids. Relationships end, doesn’t mean he’s a bad person and doesn’t mean he will abandon the kids. I think I’d be honest with him, momma bear, and ask him straight up what his intentions are with the children?? Only then will you know the path to lead your kids down.
Keep moving! I’ve been here and found stagnancy to be suffocating. Healing comes from being active in all aspects.
I went threw this with my mom with her second husband. He had 3 kids from his first marriage, and my mom had me. They had my sister, so I was the oldest of 5. When my mom left because it was so bad all 3 of the step children wanted her to take them with us. She sat them down as a group and also individually and asked them what they where feeling and how they felt. She told them it wasn’t any of there faults and that she still loves them and always will and told them they could come visit anytime they wanted. We still keep in touch with my brother, well step brother pj and he knows that it wasn’t his fault or his siblings nor was it mine. Sitting them down and taking the time to ask them worked very well.
Talk to him. Tell him the children still love him and its not fair to them. He doesnt need to stay in relationship with you to see them.
Get them in counseling
1)He is an ass! 2)you are going to have to be strong for your kids! They need a strong mama not a broken mama … you can be broken when they go to bed or are not around 3)get ALL of y’all into counseling. 4) It all seems impossible right now but you can do it !! 4)You have to do this … they are relying on you to show them that they are more than worthy of being loved and that it was their step father that is the lout here. Been here done this! I did it you can too. Praying for you and your kids
Just because yall broke up doesnt mean he has to be out of their lives. My stepdad became my stepdad when I was 13 and even after he and my mom split up a few years ago, that’s still my dad. Especially if he’s been the main dad or only dad they’ve known I dont see why they cant still have a relationship with him.
You cant. Talk about why he left… and how it was all about him and nothing to do with them… sadly men come into a family and everyone accepts him. And then he decides it’s not what he wanted after all and he leaves. And leaves behind sad broken kids.
You are strong enough to get through this… if your kids need councelling to help them understand ,it was nothing they did. Do it.
We women are the ones who stay. So we have to be strong… hug you kids lots and tell them often how much you love them and that you wont be leaving them . As they might be thinking this could happen.
I’m sorry you have had to suffer like this again…
You have a strong support network here.
Stay strong .
I dont know why there is a weird stigma about therapy but honestly it is hands down the best thing you can do you for children. You want to be their peace but dont know how…this is your way of helping them find a healthy outlet and learn coping techniques and communication skills
We’re kinda the same my bf left us and come back left. But I think this time is he’s last time cause he ignored me totally I haven’t heard from him since Tuesday the fact that we have 2kids on our own and I have a daughter in my previous relationship it’s hard for her it’s hard for me. I cried but I’m used to it. All I can say is to be there for our kids even it’s hard to show that weren’t happy. The mothers love and God’s love will take away all that pain so keep your heads up. Let’s focus of what’s infront of us (Kids) cause they’re more important than a guy. Guy can come and go but are kids will stay forever
Be Brave hide your feelings. Then your children will feel more secure and not blame themselves
I was 5 when my parents divorced and I struggled loads, my mum put me into play therapy and as far as I remember it helped me a lot.
Maybe not the same thing but my son dad left unexpectedly and my son was going through what your children are going through. I started with the school counselor. It was extremely helpful, they went as far as forming a group of children with the same dilemma and twice a week they met and talked or whatever they did. It really helped. My son was very angry at himself, little over a year and he is back to his happy smiling self…
Good luck mama
Enjoy your kids spend some quality time with them they will be ok his choice his loss not there fault men are horrible
I’m happy your main concerns is your kids, get you all some counselling because this will help you all in the long term. for you and kids…
Be honest with them. Reassurance that it isn’t their fault. Let them grieve and comfort them through this time. At the end of the day just because you two aren’t together anymore doesn’t mean his relationship with the kids has to stop if he is still willing to play dad.
This was me almost 2 short years ago. He went to work one Tuesday morning and texted me saying he didn’t want us anymore. My kids are teenagers though and now see how much more relaxed we all are. No advise to give just to keep pushing forward.
I feel so bad for your kids, stay strong Momma and tell them everything will work out in the end. Go to church, the library, the park do something to keep them occupied. I love being a single mom, more me time and children time, no whiny man to take up my time
Your maturity and strength is amazing. It’s a great living example for your children . Understanding that you will heal over time and everything can/will change. You, will know as time goes on what proper help will be needed. I pray for you n your family. In this difficult time in your lives.
Oh man! Same here, except we were not married but together for 10 years. Finally realized he is mentally unstable and it’s good for our family. This was last Sept and my kids are still confused if he’s coming back (he left state). So far I’m trying to take them out for special outtings and stuff we couldn’t do when he was around. Make them feel heard and explain what happened. It is hard for kids to understand but someday they’ll learn to accept it. My kids are special needs so I’m already expecting a longer time for accepting. Stay strong as the family you now are. <3
tell them he left because i had another man before him, at least it looked that way and what a real man wants is a woman who will stay faithful. [you gotta be a sarahs tent girl} so hes going off to be with some other wife of his because he has a harem thats so he can get things done and he got you raised up like he wanted and these kind of men know pain makes people perform and if they are good and strong and loving they will find love and it will mean very special things to them because they have suffered. i in the meantime have to fend off the advances of inferior seeming men as my husband teaches me to avoid the appearance of evil. if all this is true then its possible daddy could come back and after receiving this knowledge he could in this particular original dna or hologram life im living prove the law of jealousies because carol has now informed me about the programming in that case i could have up to eight more children. if i find another version of your original dad it better be after your grown because hes going to be so angry only married people can enjoy that enviroment in the meantime i want you to prove everything he taught you and i am going to pray that daddy forgives me and doesnt come back until he has cooled off and that will take about 6 years. so i better get busy and read my bible everyday and wear my cross and go to church and make friends with all the ladies and get busy cuz thats what sarah did when she was in the pharoahs tent she was BUSY! and thats what we are all going to be while hes gone. ps he loves you and it hurt him to leave you but he wants you too have a good mother not just a brain deranged carol sitting around saying i cant stand to see another family go through it just doing nothing with their minds. now pray for him that he can forgive and not have to be so old-fashioned all the time about decency without giving people a real chance
drink grape juice at night and put 3 drops of annointing oil in your hot beverages in the morning and do 100 days of fasting in2 years right down to the second no more than two years 100 24 hour food and beverage fast days to harden the chromosonal retinol so you cant be amino acid data based so you cant be subcuccutaneous interroed so yo you cant be hologrammed over so you cant be micro-cloned love you thank God you care about them but you need to care about home
Make sure you ley them know that however they feel is OK, even if it’s different from how their siblings feel. My husband did this a few years ago. My oldest is still angry and doesn’t ever want to see him again. My second daughter misses him terribly and texts him when he answers on occasion. My youngest two are fairly indifferent. But my oldest two fight about which of them is right sometimes. It’s hard, but I just keep reminding them that they are both allowed to feel what they feel.
You cant take away the pain. They will have to process it just like you have to. Only thing you can do is be an example of how to get through tough times. It can get messy and thats okay. We just keep doing the best we know how. One foot in front of the other till we know better. Then once we know better we do better. In the end if we keep on this track you will find it will make each of you stronger and wiser. You got this mama! So do your babies. Sending my love. God bless you and your babies:kissing_heart:
I went through the same 27 yrs ago. 1st THING LET YOUR CHILDREN KNOW IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT! What Happened Between their Stepdad and you/mom HAS THINGING TO DO WITH THEM== YOUR Stepdad Loves You Always has - I Kept reminding them. The Both of you Love them. Also Their Bio Father Also. Never Tell The Kids It is Thier fault! If. They Are in School. Their grades will decrease. I Went to to school or called School counselor, She would go and vent to counselor, how the the child feels ect. When Me and my ex spilt he tried to tell me our oldest child just did want or care. - He was So Wrong. Teachers and counlors said, This almost always happens to a Child their grades drop. When she went she felt a big relief off her shoulders. An Example she thought she had to take place of fathers and so on. Also Try not to bash him in front of them. When the hurt goes away, then anger comes. Pray to God ask him. To help you and for peace. Good luck.
First let me say I’m sorry. You are feeling a great loss and your children are feeling abandoned by two father’s. Yes this will take time, and they may need counseling. I know for a fact it impacts them into adulthood. My daughter had one loss and looking back I wish I would havetalked to her more about it and kept the lines of communication open to discuss it. I was raised “out of sight out of mind” We have a large amazing family who were all very supportive in her upbringing yet she still had feelings of abandonment Counseling could be very beneficial to them and you as well.
You should be honest with your children and let them known it not their fault he left and you will take care of them. Try your best to raise strong resilient children to face this world we live in:pray:
Its not their fault and stay strong for them.Make sure they know that you love them and your not going anywhere.
be sure to explain the situation but be simple and strait foreword. my philosiphy is if they ask the question they are ready for the answer. give them extra time w friends who can relate to their situation, give them a little extra space to think about things, and when they overthink distract them with a little adventure. My favorites were to put up a tent in living room, trip to toy McDonalds, and trip to local park/beach,
Everyone handles pain differently
I don’t know if you have any communication with your Ex
If that is so I suggest you ask him to have a talk with the kids and let them know that you too deciding to separate has nothing to do with them
I am sorry for your pain. You just have to tell them that no matter what they said or did, good or bad, if he wanted to leave, they couldn’t stop him. It is a shame when children blame themselves for situations that they didn’t cause. Time does heal all wounds. All you can do is love them and be there for them. Blessings to you and your family:heart:
Talk to them about it. Talk to your husband and see if he is willing to talk with the kids with you about it. If he’s a step up dad he’ll do it to make sure the kids understand it wasn’t anything they did.
U have to step up be the best u can b . U already are doing what needs to b done . Pray and stay focused
Just reassure them that it’s not their fault
I’ve learned to just let go of people that want to go. You’ll be better off . Let him go.
This may sound silly but baking, board games and puzzles are great therapy!
Counseling for everyone will help greatly.
get into some therapy… it will really help them. And I hope your ex will still be spending time with your kids. It will hurt more if he decides to quit on them too. Therapy for you would be a good idea too. Have your closest friends and family over keep you company so you are not alone. Try and doing things with your kids too keep their minds busy too. It will be okay I pray for you guys.
It will be hard for them cause they have been left twice. Once by their bio dad and once by the stepdad. Being left is hard for an adult, but it’s extra for kids cause they aren’t emotionally equipped to understand how to process through it. I recommend some kind of individual counseling. It will help them to feel safe to talk about it with a stranger and help them work through their pain.
Mentally Physically Emotionally
Therapy. Get your kids someone to talk to other than you. Start with a school counselor and they can give you referrals or talk to the dr. As for money you.need to get on assistance of some kind. If you have a local CAC call them, apply for WIC or SNAP Bennifits. If your state has a state funded insurance apply for it. Take all of the help you can get.