Nbr, but was just wondering if I could get some opinions on how you would all feel. I made a mistake and cheated over 10 years ago. I won’t make excuses. It wasn’t right. I was only 19 (we weren’t married yet), and regret it and have done everything in my power to try and fix it. He was also doing things to hurt me, so I think in my head, that made it ok. Like tit for tat. Obviously now, I know that’s not ok. Fast forward (31 now), last night we were laying in bed and I said something to him about how he should reach out to our son’s friend’s dad. He has a problem with alcohol and lost his son so I thought maybe my husband could offer him friendship and try and help him. He said “why don’t you?” And I said “it just seems more appropriate if you do. It doesn’t really look right if I’m a married woman reaching out to a single father” and without missing a breath, said, “like that ever stopped you before.” He was referring to the man from when I was 19. Now when I tell you I have done everything to try and win his trust back. I’ve tried to be a great wife and mother. He even told me he forgave me years ago! Am I overthinking this? He said it was a “joke”, but it broke my heart. It just told me that years of trying to be better and putting in so much effort and it just doesn’t matter.
I’d probably be doing the same lol everyone can forgive but they’ll never forget
It was no joke bc that should never of been brought up. He may have forgiven but never will forget!
Trust is nearly impossible to win back once it’s been broken. If he forgave you, he wouldn’t be bringing it up more than 10 years later. Sounds like he’s gonna have you apologizing for that one for the rest of your marriage.
Look, he either trusts you, and whole heartedly forgives you OR he holds on to the anger, never really forgives you, and continues to bring up your past mistakes.
You cheated. You made that decision.
He made the decision to stay. He could have chosen to move on with his life but he didn’t. You don’t have to keep apologizing for something he should have made peace with when you were 19.
If he never made peace with it, he should have just let you go, otherwise he’s just holding a grudge and being toxic.
I would leave after that many years and not even while your married he keeps bringing it up it will never stop
I made the mistake over 20 years, and sometimes when he drinks and has no sleep, he still brings it up. We were separated at the time, but it doesn’t matter. I can’t go back in time. I just ignore him. It’s on him now
Sounds like maybe there’s still some underlying issues here. Sounds like you’re doing a performance based relationship and that you haven’t forgiven yourself. The comment may have been for something or a person you have on social media and not him dwelling on the incident from when you were 19. If we can’t laugh about our younger selves and problems years ago then you haven’t truly moved past them. He may not have meant it as badly as you interpreted it. Perception is subjective to us all. I myself would have popped back with something funny and sarcastic myself but like I said, it sounds like you still need some work/healing on the subject. Hugs. Don’t feel it’s all for nothing- that type of thinking dooms relationships and creates more problems.
You were 19, not married. He hè can’t move past what happened why did he marry you? You need to sit him down and explain how you are feeling and to tell him to grow up
My bf cheated on me almost 2 years ago. I still make snide comments about it as it hurt me deeply. I don’t do it all the time but rarely when I’m feeling insecure. He just reassures me he’s not gonna do it again. Once trust is gone it’s very hard to regain it back fully. I have a hard time trusting him fully because I’m scared if I do he will just do it again. He might be feeling the same way. Just reassure him, it’s probably all he needs
He needs to forget it and move on or leave.
Obviously he agreed to forgive and put it in the past, so he needs to do that.
Once you break that trust, it’s gone and doesn’t ever come back.
If she knows this personal stuff about her son’s friend’s Dad, I’d be asking her how she even knows that. If my husband did that, I’d be a little insecure snarky too. I mean, single Dad’s personsl issues is none of her business. So, HOW DOES she know this? Her son? If he’s a little boy or toddler, he’s too young for that conversation. He wouldn’t bring it up If her son is a tween, he really wouldn’t bring it up then either, because it’s his friend. Kids won’t intentionally put their attention to adult issues, their pre pubescent! They don’t care!! Since she’s only 31, I’d say their son is very young. So how do the little boys know each other? Where and how did the littles meet? Where does SHE fit in all of this? It would be different if she AND her husband knew this dude and his ex as a couple, but OBVIOUSLY, her husband doesn’t know this single divorced alcoholic Dad. Is she doing it for attention from her husband?? Why would she care about this dude’s problems? If I were in her husband’s shoes, I’d have a moment about it too. You can forgive, but not forget. It’s hard to build up trust again. And the person that’s been cheated on will always want to protect their heart and be sensitive to certain behaviors. It’s a trigger. She doesn’t say if this situation with single Dad is similar to her previous cheating situation. There really aren’t enough details of the post to base a certain answer. But, knee jek reaction is agreeing with hubby’s reaction and comment. The only thing I think he did wrong was not questioning her about it, before he was snarky about it. Automatically being passive aggresive. Why didn’t she ask him to explain or elaborate his thoughts/feelings about it? It’s not cheating that can break a couple up, it’s the lack of communication and transparency after the cheating. Cheating is a symptom of a bad troubled relationship anyhow. No matter what your age.
This question is as old as time.
Can you really earn trust back?
I think it’s like glue where you see the crack.
What I mean by this is that he definitely still remembers it.
The question is why is he saying that now?
A cruel attempt to avoid friending a guy?.
I don’t think that it was just a joke.
Although it might not be super serious.
I think he was annoyed at the idea of friending the dude and thought of an uber low blow to dodge doing it.
However some reassurance wouldn’t hurt.
I’d just say, “Hey that joke of yours has made me wonder if our trust is doing good?”
Oooooph, low blow. Sounds like he’s still resentful, there’s usually some truth behind those “jokes”
He has chosen to forgive but he wont forget.
That kind of joke isnt funny, but i guess it shows he is still hurting and doesnt trust your relationship. Couples counselling could help you both
Even if he has forgiven you it doesn’t mean he has forgotten what happened. He is likely just feeling insecure to hear you referring to this guy and lashing out a bit.
Jealousy is normal especially when the partner on the receiving end has been unfaithful. I think he probably just projecting a bit of that insecurity and it came out. I would let it go, if it keeps happening address it by asking him - maybe something else has triggered it.
Sometimes the victim of cheating is not the victim in the relationship. That is why we make choices and unfortunately the one you made cost you his trust. When he makes comments like that, you’re going to have to bite the bullet. That comment shouldn’t null your hard work nor should it define your relationship. He is insecure because you sounded concerned with another man. I’m going to tell you what I’d tell a man if he had cheated and his woman gave him another chance. It is a different type of relationship now and he will never look at you the same way. That doesn’t mean you are not a good wife but you have to reap the consequences that you sowed on this one and one of those consequences is to reassure him/her when they are feeling insecure. Women are more vocal than men when it comes to their feelings. I’ve learned that the “manly” way of expressing hurt Is to show anger, not hurt. To make “jokes” rather than face the situation maturely. You need to get out of the mentality that you made it up to him. You did not, what you made instead was a family and wonderful new memories. So if it’s not constant snipes or remarks, take it with a grain of salt.
Oh no. Not the consequences of your own actions
If you pound a nail in a fence then pull the nail out, the hole remains. He will never forget because cheating equates to his feeling you didn’t find him good enough. Try getting over that one, then you will understand the residue that remains on his broken heart and how not meaning enough to you to matter, because your choice to cheat made him feel he only matters to a degree and will always wonder if he is replaceable. You can’t tell him how long he can take to heal. You have to have patience with him. The hole in his heart will never let him completely forget the pain or what you are capable of.
That’s not a funny joke and was uncalled for and unnecessary. He’s forgiven you yes but he won’t forget but he HAS to let go! You’ve done everything to make things right for the past 12 yrs, married and had children, so he’s clearly given you the impression that he’s moved on but he hasn’t as that’s not a joke. You can not be expected to grovel and scurry about being the ‘yes’ man to everything, and forever seek his peace and forgiveness if he can’t let it go then why are you still together for him to rub it in and throw it at you now and again. Ask him how he’d feel if he’d made a huge mistake which he’d acknowledged , hugely regretted and worked so hard to fix, gif you to flippantly throw it back in his face more than a decade later???
He hasn’t forgiven you deep down . if he has he wouldn’t have made the so called joke… 12 years later… your not overthinking your feelings are valid…
He has forgiven you and he loves you dearly but he hasn’t forgotten and most likely did say it as a joke to be funny. Unless he is already talking to the other dad it’s a dead go away to just spark up a friendship from nowhere. Men don’t seek friendship for support like women do we seek friendship to have a break from being the support.
It’s called passive aggressive.
He won’t ever forget it and it will always be in the back of his mind regardless of how far you’ve come. When people get cheated on by someone they love it stays with them forever. There’s nothing you can do about it. The fact is, you did cheat and it did happen. You may hear little remarks from time to time because it will always be there. Just let it go and understand it probably still stings him a bit. Its the price that comes with that reckless decision you made. Its life.
Think how would you react if you were in his shoes,how would you react to him saying about helping a single mother when he’s cheated before,and actually it does come across you are interested in the father alittle,would you offer the same support to a female
Sounds like he’s still bothered by it, as he has every right to be. He most likely doesn’t trust you anymore, and you can’t really blame him.
Shows why it’s impossible to stay together after cheating is involved in a relationship. What was he doing to you that you made it t!t for tat? If he was cheating too he needs to stfu.
Love how all the women are making it HIS fault….
You were not married to him then do you bring up his old girlfriends? He needs to get over it
Not a joke. What’s going on with him?
I hope you both can work this out you probably heard this before but have you tried couples counseling perhaps
Listen from some advice .is your husband been faithful even after you cheated
If he has forgiven and you have made your amends his insecurities are getting the best of him, and he meeds therapy. Doesnt make the joke okay. Especialy if youve shown remorse.
The man lost his son? …the son that’s your son’s friend or another one? How did he pass? Life is so hard sometimes.
I’ll never understand why people stay with cheaters. Seems like a jail of self imposed emotional masochism.
No joke he has not forgiven you
If so it’s fixable the man never cheated on you there for he loves you and consulate with a concealer but of he never cheated it’s a deep wound but before you throw in the towel make sure you give it all you got and when you give it all you got them that’s all that matters but please do me a favor do not leave each other of you both truly love each other it will be a regret that will haunt you do you have small children at all
U mentioned him being friends with another guy may have triggered something especially if he was friends with/knew the person u cheated with. He train of thought was why does she want me to be close to the guy? is it cause she wants to get closer to him?
Cry about it. You wanna cheat and stick around you deal with the consequences. Can’t force someone to heal quicker from something you caused for your convenience.
His behavior is mean and cruel!!! Do not accept this behavior. If he chose to marry you, then he chose to move forward. ( I am not condoning cheating - betrayal is the worst form of hurt ). Had you approached the friend’s dad, as he suggested, then he would have accused you of cheating, anyways. Either way, he looked for an opportunity to wield this knife.
For those making excuses or saying you do the same, as the husband, shame on you!
From experience, being the injured party, forgiving is really putting this mess behind and rebuilding the relationship. Throwing it in their face, says more about me than it does about the guilty party. I still have my Pride, intact!!!
If you forgive someone then that’s it. You do not bring it up again. Yes, one never forgets the betrayal and the hurt fades though never really goes away. BUT, if you choose to forgive and still be with the person, then that’s on you. You make a conscious decision (and a solemn promise to yourself) to put this behind you and not allow it to taint your relationship, going forward. I guess it’s a matter of "accepting warts and all’
If you are not strong enough or emotionally mature enough, to work through the hurt, then its best to walk away from the relationship. It does not give you a right of passage to regurgitate it and behave cruelly. Do not keep dredging it up, Especially, ten. years. later😓 . That is just immature and childish. Its like a toddler throwing a tantrum when they’re crabby.
The fact that your husband is bringing this up 10 years later shows that he still holds a grudge. 
Could he be using it now, looking for a way out:thinking: (sorry to be playing devil’s advocate )
Clearly he hasn’t grown or evolved. Neither does he appreciate you or your efforts.
I feel bad for you, especially seeing that this happened when you were extremely young and you weren’t married at the time, and that your husband, being a coward (instead of walking away), chose to marry you only to wield a knife into you, a decade later😰
Clearly he hasn’t heard the phrase “to err is Human, to forgive is Divine”
If he feels insecure then he should talk about that insecurity, seek therapy and work through the pain with you. Blurting out something so hurtful is just treacherous.
He needs to chill. If he wants things to work, he needs to stop playing the victim card and making snide comments. He’s either in or out. Tell him that you don’t find the comments funny, and maybe marriage counseling is in order (most people hate the idea of marriage counseling as dogs hate the vet) maybe he’ll catch on and correct his own behavior.
as somebody who was cheated on, i will never forget what was done to me and how it made me feel, i’ll forever take digs when i want bc i can. 
however usually when i start throwing shade it’s bc my insecurities are triggered and usually by something said or done. so check yourself.
If he planned on continuing to bring it up why did he marry you? Does he think you would ask him to reach out to this guy if you were interested? Yeah, you made a mistake when you were young and unmarried but he made the choice to marry you and have a family so those unnecessary comments are ridiculous.
Tough tit now ain’t it. Shouldn’t have been a ho. 
He’ll never fully trust you again bc he knows what you’re capable of all while knowing he was probably the cause of it but I wldve laughed a said you’re right it didn’t stop me hmmm maybe I’ll reach out lol
If he forgave you years ago then he needs to let it go and stop making comments about it.
Lol because you’re a shit person.
Nah I’ve been on the other end of that…. Hubs stepped out 11 years ago… it hurt… it did…. And I was completely ruthless with him over it & didn’t fully trust him for a couple years…. Now? I’m secure in our relationship…. I’d never crack a “it didn’t stop you before.” Smart ssa jab bc all that does is open old shame for him & old hurt & anger for me…. After a fkn decade of fidelity? Nah…. That was an AH move & he knew it. He should’ve just said he didn’t give af about ole boy & making friends & been done with it…. The BS ssa snide remark to shut her down was uncalled for.
Pack and leave. He’s cruel and I wouldn’t tolerate it
No he’s being petty and bitter. And He might even be projecting.
We weren’t there for the conversation to hear how it was said. Had he not forgiven you, its wouldn’t have only been said ONCE in 10 years. He probably said it jokingly and wouldn’t read too much into it. Dont do that to yourself and let it take space in your heart and head. Enjoy the rest of your life together and Happy Holidays!!
It sounds like he as forgiven you
But hasent forgotten it
Nor gotten over it
There is nothing you can do to change that
I’m sure when you have had an argument
You bring up things he has done
In the past
(Its human nature)))
You know it’s ok to reach out to a single man
If there is substance abuse in his family and offer him some support from both you and your hubby
I think once you have a issue like that where one has cheated, I’ve been on both ends, the relationship is as good as gone. It’ll never repair like it should. It’s best to move on and not make that mistake again in your life.
I am a strong believer in, if you’re going to forgive somebody. Forgive them. Don’t pretend to forgive someone and then hang what they did over their head. And if you can’t fully forgive them, and not treat them this way, then let them go. I do understand what people are saying about forgiveness isnt forgetting, but at the same time, you don’t deserve to go through life being degraded over a mistake you made as a teenager.
I’m so very sorry 
. That was not nice of him .
Speak
To him and explain how hurtful that was . He needs to forgive and move on to the devotion you have had for him all of this time . I know he can’t forget but we must forgive like Jesus does .
He may of forgiven you but he will never forget but if he really cares for you he would not throw it in your face, that’s just mean
Tell him he has a decision to make, he forgives or he doesn’t and he needs to let you go. You did it, you take responsibility for it but if he can’t let it go, he needs to move on.
What you did was terrible and can’t be undone but to remind you all the time creates more strain and issue.
I wouldn’t want to be reminded everyday, of my failure, ten years later. He needs to let you go.
I agree forgiving isn’t forgetting. The ball was in his court and his choice to forgive…if snide remarks are made, he hasn’t truly forgiven you. You now need to state what you have stated here, you have worked hard to regain trust and prove you’re worthy, and if after all this time, if doesn’t believe that whole-heartedly, than maybe you’s should part ways. Because you cheated doesn’t give him the right to constantly throw zingers out there. This is huge and not something that should be joked about. IMO
He has a mean streak.i don’t think he’s forgiven you or he wouldn’t bring it up.He wants to hurt you like he was hurt.
If you were broke up it’s not cheating. It’s moving on.
Tell him that his “joke” wasn’t amusing or funny and was very hurtful. He needs to grow up and behave like an adult.
You& Your husband is in God’s hands. Amene
Sometimes when trust is broken it cannot be repaired. If he doesn’t trust you by now, he never will.
Hes not over it, he’s trying to be but he’s not so yah he may throw comments In here and there. Cheating damages relationships
Nope. That’s not ok and I would put my foot down about it. Look, you messed up and did a really bad thing BUT he told you he forgave you and you guys worked through it and then moved on as a couple. That means the problem is done. It still happened and no one forgets that but once you have worked it through and you both decide to move forward from the issue then he no longer gets to throw it in your face as a joke or an insult. That is the moving forward part. If you keep throwing the issue in the other person’s face then that means it’s something that still bothers you and you still have issues to work through and shouldn’t be agreeing to move on from the situation. This happened many, many years ago, you can’t be expected to walk on egg shells for the rest of your life because more than 10 years ago you make ONE mistake, you have to be allowed to move forward too.
Nah he wrong ,he’s still hurt and maybe even angry. This particular incident didnt even warrant that response. It’s like he was just waiting to bring that up.
That’ll be there for life. It’s like getting ur arm cut off. U’re not gonna be like “it got cut off when I was 19, im 34 I just thought it would grow back by now”. How he deals with it changes over time but he’ll never forgive or forget that.
He forgive you but have no forgotten what you do, and making comments now and then is kind of normal , not saying that is ok though
I mean what you did was wrong, but I think it’s shitty that all these years later he would make a passive aggressive remark in response to you trying to be respectful of your marriage. He had a right to be hurt, but if he isn’t able to move on from it, it would probably be best for you to both split. I don’t blame him for not just forgetting about it, but if he’s still carrying resentment, it’s going to be a long road.
He needs to leave the past in the past. It’s not fair to either of you to keep it alive. I was cheated on for years, my husband became a Christian and I kid you not a whole new man. He’s been literally the best husband for a few years, anyhow, it’s hard not to make comments sometimes on the rare occasion we argue or sometimes I just think about it and want to say something, but I don’t because there’s nothing to be gained from doing so. Ten years ago and a few kids later I would say he needs to grow up and move on.
Give him an ear full. Tell him that it wasn’t a joke and uncalled for. Ffs, you guys weren’t married at the time and it has been over 12 years.
I cannot believe the amount if people giving this man a pass. She was a TEEN and made over 10 year effort. While forgiving isn’t forgetting it doesn’t give him a free pass to torture her and poke with rude comments forever HE is in the wrong here. If he was feeling insecure or bothered and said you know I’m having some flashbacks to when you cheated THAT is acceptable him being like this ISNT.
He probably done the same thing. He’s just trying to hurt you.
Ask him point blank; if he loves you to never bring it up again unless he wants a permanent separation. If he does “pack you bags and get outta Dodge”. Love is forgiveness!
Here’s the thing he chose to marry you after this event and that’s saying i can deal with this and i forgive you . I would never expect to hear if said situation again especially after 20 years . That is emotional blackmail and bs . He needs to grow up .
First of all you weren’t married when you cheated. So you make him understand that. If you weren’t living together and not married it’s not cheating. You owned up to it. So if he can’t be civil about it you need to reevaluate your relationship. Life is short. Don’t waste it when you can find someone that makes you happy
He needs to grow up otherwise leave
He may have forgiven y but he’ll never forget
Have you forgiven yourself? He may have been truly joking… but it would be hurtful if you never forgave yourself. Time to talk with him about how hurtful that was to hear that in a joking manner, because it will never be something light hearted for you. You made a terrible mistake and have spent years trying to earn his trust back. After a decade, his joke made you feel like he will never truly forgive. If he has really forgiven you, make a rule not to joke about it and consider therapy. If he hasn’t forgiven, therapy and you need to decide if it’s a deal breaker. That being said, if he never is able to fully forgive or trust you, that’s not your choice to make. It’s a consequence of what you put him through. It’s a hard situation but not something you too can’t get through if you’re open and honest with one another and both willing to try and make things better.
He deserves better and you should’ve left him years ago and let him find that better. You made your bed. Lie in it!! 19 is someone who can also have common sense. If you did something wrong it comes from your core values and has nothing to do with your age.
Well you cheated. That relationship will never be what it could have and should have been. You reap what you sow. Doesn’t matter how many years later. He’s hurt and always will be. He stayed. That’s a lot right there. Imagine the comments you would make every week if it were reversed. 
No matter how much effort you put in, once you cheat the relationship will never be the same as it was. There’s no way to change that.
Until the man cheats ,then they don’t want to hear about ever but for the woman they. Throw it in your face .
As a mental health Counselor I help couples deal with this issue. It doesn’t matter if you were married or in a dating relationship going against the “rules” of promises in a relationship is wrong. The fact that he forgave you speaks miles for his love for you. But that doesn’t mean he will ever forget it. The fact he brought it up after so long was just to let you know the hurt is still there and the “dig” he made says “good now you can hurt too”.
One day when you both are calm and in a talking mood you can say “I got the message when you brought up about how I hurt you when I cheated on you”. “If you meant to remind me or just hurt me like I hurt you many years ago…it worked but it still stings”. Then ask him why he brought it up. Be prepared for his answer but at least you opened the ability to put it to rest again. You need to let him know you, also, will never forget what you did and that you are aware of how bad it hurt him and have worked hard to continually prove your love to him.
It’s important that you have a chance to let him know how you felt when he said what he did
But that you understand it was to let you know how bad you hurt him so many years ago.
You can follow up with…“so are we OK now?” Hopefully he says YES. And it’s time for a cleansing hug.
It’s better for you to have a chance to clear your feelings about what and the fact he brought it up but being sure it is in a sympathetic way showing you understand why.
Keeping it inside does no good for you but being upset or angry at him for being human with feelings isn’t good either.
The way you communicate with issues makes all the difference.
I wish you peace, harmony and much more love ahead.
Forgiving and Forgetting are not the same thing.
You’re lucky that he stayed with you. I almost bet if it was the other way around that you would have walked. Don’t know why there’s a double standard for men and women. Cheating is wrong no matter who does it. Hope he keeps making you feel guilty.
I’d tell him, if you cannot forgive and forget the Cheating, why did you marry me? If he said, I was just joking, tell him, that his joke was not funny and it hurt you. So, don’t do it again.
The trust is never quite the same so let it go and i see nothing wrong with you talking with the father who lost his son yourself.
I’m sorry but I’d respond with
“Hmm may not be a bad idea with how salty you’re being these days.” 
Yr husband is a A$$ like he hasn’t done things in the past girl throw it rite bck at him n shut him up aftrwards tlk to him how hurtful this is to you too much time has past fr him to throw it in yr face. n u wsnt even married to him at that time. good luck to you.
Yea, that was a jerk comment. And, it shows that he didn’t actually forgive you and has resentment about it still. He should consider counseling
Forgiving is not forgetting and a lot of people seem to think that it is. You can do something that I forgive, but because I forgive you, you now think I should never talk about it again like it never happened. That’s not how forgiveness works.