My husband started complaining when the tables were turned: Advice?

Just needing to vent for a minute… Nobody will understand more than other mamas. I was lucky enough to have 9 months of maternity leave. Where everyday was spent with my little babe and running around to early intervention appointments, specialist appointments, doctors appointments, etc. on top of pumping/breast feeding and doing other wife/motherly duties while my husband went to work. Also, an 85 lb. dog who had massive surgery who had to be rehabbed. Recently, the roles have reversed and my husband is off of work for the summer and I returned to work as an RN doing night shift. This evening we got into an argument with him getting aggravated that I sleep during the day and that it’s just “non-stop” with a 9 month old. I’m just flabbergasted. Speechless. Angry. I’m glad in a way he figured out how hard it is to stay home. But, what did you think it was going to be like?! I did it for 9 months and you’ve only been with him a week! Why did you think I was constantly exhausted? Idk what to do otherwise to help, I have to sleep during the day to go to work 12hr night shifts. I love my husband to death and he is very helpful, but I just was not anticipating this type of response. I’m just so upset at this.

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husband started complaining when the tables were turned: Advice?

He’s going to need to step up!

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It’s not uncommon for the other parent to be shocked by the demands of being a stay at home parent. It’s going to take some talking/coaching through and also some tough luck buddy. Buckle up and get over it. Good luck. He’s got some learning to do.

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Can you get a babysitter at least for half day. Your baby’s wellbeing is 1st pirority. You can deal with husband later. Very few husbands step up unfortunately.

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Babies are stressful and sometimes parents snap at each other. Just be patient and kind with one another, you’ll figure it out💙

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I think he just needs an adjustment period. Such as when we take. Anew shift at work or a new job. Maybe talk with him.

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If it’s only been a week, maybe he is still adjusting.

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I’d tell him just that. That you did it for 9 months and he has only done it a week. And you need to sleep to work your 12 hours shifts so he is going to have to deal with it just like you had to.

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Sounds like he really didn’t believe how exhausting it could be. Well now he knows so let him deal with it just like you did! He can pull up his big boy pants and get moving!

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I’m sorry but that’s a total ASS move. When are you SUPPOSED to sleep? Tell him to go get a job and quit yours. SMH

Get some housekeeping/ babysitter to help you both

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When he worked, did he help with the baby when he was home ? You should do the same things he did with the baby when you were the stay home parent. You did it for 9 months while recovering from birth, I’m sure he can handle it for a few months.

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Sounds like he’s jealous which is common and it will get better just pick your fights. Maybe he can find a local father playgroup that could help him adjust

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If he will listen, give him some pointers. Be supportive and understanding but also let him know how you felt too.

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You need to wait until you’re calm and have a serious talk with him. You won’t get anywhere yelling at each and fighting.

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Unfortunately men just don’t understand how hard we work and what it takes to get it all done they are somewhat selfish that way

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12 hrs away maybe too much for your family also Night Shift is not easy on families if you don’t want to ruin your marriage try looking for a job that balances with your life at home good luck

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So the roles are reversed lol… I never had a break, when mom’s on here complain when they’re SAHM they say it’s their jobs. So it’s his job now, she’s working… tell him you did your job is your job. His job is now taking care of their son.

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Welcome to parenthood, I’ve been here for 9 months, you’re doing great, :+1:

Tell him to suck it the fuck up

This is finally a normal post on this page :rofl:. I agree with what I saw above, babies are stressful and people snap. Try not to take it to heart.
After some time of him getting used to the whole SAHD thing, it should become easier.

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You married a selfish man. What are you going to do.

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Is there any way to maybe get him some help? I know it sounds a little emasculating, but maybe he just isn’t as strong as you. I mean, I’m sure he’s great at lots of stuff but some people just get overwhelmed with parenting. Maybe there’s a teen in your neighborhood who could use a few bucks for coming over a couple hours a day a couple days a week to give struggling dad a little break.

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Hey, he’s got the easy part… 9 months is an easier age then new born etc… tell him to suck it up… you did it. Tell him to figure it out, you did…

He needs to suck it up

Just be honest with him tell him how you felt and share thoughts and ideas with him what worked for you and what didnt lol Working night shift is hard on any relationship especially when you add a baby in the mix. It definitely takes working together patience and ALWAYS take time out for each other! Y’all are in this together its up to y’all to communicate and make it work

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Sorry, didn’t mean to laugh. I’m constantly astonished by men who are so… clueless !! They have no idea how hard it is to care for a baby & the house !!! Imsure he’ll figure it out. Pat him on the head and give him support. The same support he gave you !!!

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Join the hardworking mama club! He will never understand your pain.

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Tell him to suck it up and deal with it. He has to know it wasn’t going to be all on you, so he needs to pluck his finger out and do what needs to be done.

If you’re waiting on him to be as good at it as you are - don’t hold your breath.

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:rofl::rofl::rofl:typical man, get a nanny!

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Men always think it’s easy until they do it. He needs to grow up &, parent. I bet he got to sleep when you stayed home & were up all night with baby. Now you get to sleep while he takes care of baby.

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Had my little one 3 years ago, hubby works 5 nights a weeks, it’s ruined our marriage, to me if u lay down and have a baby it’s a 2 person job…he works nights sleeps half the day and is still tired throughout the rest of the day…it just doesn’t work wen you have a family unless ye want to get away from each other in my opinion

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I honestly think every man should have rolls reversed at some point. My husband gets in these moods too where he thinks he needs a hot meal every night when he gets off work. We have 2 under 2. 21 months and 6 months. It’s super hard to cook. And my son was colicky. I’m finally getting into a groove now. Definitely difficult. They have no clue. He’s made comments like “well I’d love to sit and relax and watch movies with the kids” okay even when I’m sitting on the couch with them, they’re over stimulating me. My daughter is talking to me constantly wanting my attention. My son doesn’t want to sit still and is pulling my hair and whining most likely. I’m thinking about everything that needs done. My son is just now over contact napping so I’m finally free for a couple hours a day to get bottles washed, household chores done. It’s mentally draining for me too. I had to sit there for 6 months holding my child while he was napping and not being able to give my daughter all the attention she needed. Thinking about all the stuff that needed done. My anxiety was through the roof.

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Well…hope you see that this child is not going to get the proper care with this man…baby will be left to cry …not changed properly…if your husband is already complaining…this set up will not work…and you must sleep in order to work and function properly…you may have to find another routine…cause looks like your husband is not the man for this job…most men aren’t…

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He’s getting a reality check

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Tell him this…“Welcome to single parenting/adulting” n remind him of all you did while hecwas working.
If isn’t doing all these extra things as well as patenting his child, give him a teaspoon of concrete n tell to add water and it will harden him the f up.
Sorry not sorry.

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Tell him to grow a pair! It’s alright for us to do everything but soon as a man does it they do nothing but bitch and complain :joy:

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I would just tell him that to everything there is a season. Him complaining after a week is bull and he needs to man up. Having kids isn’t a walk in the park. As baby grows, their needs change and they get easier. Id say by 9 months, he’s well into the easier part of this season. This leaves me to believe while you were home on maternity leave, he wasn’t much help or very interactive with baby, because now that he’s in the mix alone, he is uncomfortable. He needs to quit whining and deal with it like an adult. Of course you sleep during the day when you’re up all night working 3rd shift. What did he expect? You to work all night and up all day, and you never sleep? That’s the sacrifice you’ve gotta make being a parent. And as a stay at home parent, it’s not about you anymore. I’ve had a spouse that worked 3rds with a young infant. It absolutely sucked, and nights were brutal to do alone. Eventually, we got daycare, and he switched to 1st shift. It did wonders for our relationship to be on the same shift and home the same time each day and have the same sleep schedule. Maybe this is a conversation worth having. But a week isn’t really enough time for him to get adjusted, let alone start complaining about having to be a dad for the baby he helped create.

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Tell him what I tell my husband about me working 12 hour night shifts. Get the f over it

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How much did he help when you were on maternity leave? Seems like the tone was set prior to him being the one to stay home and because you were doing everything he still expects that. He’s got some learning to do, you’re not his mom, he needs to step up. It’s crazy how many women or stories I hear that men are slacking when it comes to their children. He’s getting the reality check of THIS IS NOT EASY. Breaks are very far and few in between. I’m willing to bet you’re the only one who wakes up at night for whatever the baby needs because he so badly needs to sleep (and you don’t). Step up buddy. It’s wild to me how many women have men like this when it comes to their kids. I’m most definitely a lucky soul when it comes to this topic. I hope he steps up for ya!

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Send h back to work and get a nanny so you can sleep be up by time he is off so you can spend time as family

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I stopped cleaning and now he’s trying to do it and I feel like he is starting to understand my frustration when he didn’t pitch in… I now work 5/6 night shifts….

Gotta be honest here. Midnight shift sucks. For the worker sure because you’re always tired even when you sleep (I’ve done midnight shift work, it sucked so bad I barely made it a year) but also for the person at home. I can definitely see his side because I know that time I was on midnights, all I did was sleep. Even if I slept all day, I woke up still so tired I couldn’t function. It gets exhausting for the person on the other end too. If you were working a normal shift, I guarantee half these arguments would be gone instantly.

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A good, long talk. This is parenting.

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If he didn’t do anything while you were on maturity then fair game but if he was helping after work you need to step up aswell.

He needs to buck up. You continue to do you. Maybe show him some of your tricks and hacks to taking care of your child. And if that doesn’t work tell him he has to find child care.

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Men have no idea how much work, effort and energy it takes staying home with the children. I’ve said it several times, stay at home moms have the HARDEST job on this earth. Because the work is nonstop with no breaks (lucky if they take a nap) but it’s an all consuming job. And unfortunately, he has a true taste of reality now. There is truly nothing for you to do besides him sucking it up and do what plenty of moms do daily. He is a parent as well and this is part of the job when you have a kid.

You work nights. So you will be sleep majority of the day, so you can’t help during the day as he probably was anticipating.

I’m sorry you are going through this. But there is no true remedy besides hiring a nanny or placing your child in daycare and I can tell that’s is not your desire. So he has to suck it up :woman_shrugging:t4::woman_shrugging:t4::woman_shrugging:t4:

I’ve recently switched roles with my other half and he’s kept pace pretty well. Def not to my level lol but he doesn’t alright. Maybe ask husband what he’d like some help with and see if it’s something you can work in there to help him until he’s able to pick up pace a bit. Running a household and raising kids certainly isn’t easy! And it’s a bit of culture shock going from work to home because they don’t expect it to be so full on.

Just out of curiosity…if you are working 12 hour shifts, are you not only working 3 nights a week? I worked nights, I worked 12s and I worked 16s…and I seldom slept more than 5 or 6 hours after a shift. I loved nights, but regardless, there should be plenty of hours in the day for the two of you to parent together without arguing or trying to one up one another. Just my opinion…:baby:

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Routine
Honestly a routine that followed when you are home and when he is home…

Also do you do block scheduling? Or have a set schedule? That helps me and hubby to know what days im working and what I’m sleeping.
Also does he take the baby out of the house? Or is it because he is struggling to keep her quite???

Maybe have him take her out 2 mornings a week…nap her and then you wake up at 3 or 4 and spend a couple hours with them. When I work nights I normally go back to bed between 8 and 9. Then the family wakes me up around 3 or 4. And I do dinner with them and snuggles leaving for work around 530/6pm.
We also meal prep and know what is for dinner that night and lunch the next day.
A routine and planning helps us alot.

Also when my hubby is going to have the kids (he works M to F 7 to 330.) On a weekend day or one of his off I try and schedule a couple hours downtime for him i.e my mom will watch them for a couple hours or a neighbor so he can do all the household stuff.

Last Saturday I worked (days) he got up with them, did breakfast and got them ready for the day then got the trash together for the dump…dropped them off to my mom at 10am…took the trash off and ran errands and I got them busy 1pm I worked 6am to 1230pm

Common. Men can’t handle much. That’s why they cannot have babies. They would be lost without women.

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Thats too bad. Men act like they have to babysit there own children

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Show him tricks you learned along the way that made your life a bit easier.
Like having diaper stashed in every room, cold teethers in the fridge, just thoughtful intentional little things.
Try to be kind to each other, the first 4-5 years with babies can be rough on your marriage- if you let it.
Make sure when baby’s sleeping you spend some quality time together. Try to send sweet texts during the day.

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My BF works nites but doesn’t come home and go right to bed. He stays up and watches my son if I have to work and does other stuff then goes to sleep after lunch till dinner time.

I would see if you could switch to day shifts and try to help more with Casio Baby-G

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Try not to let it get to you. He is having a tantrum, you sleep because you deserve it and he will figure out his life. Everytime he complains just say welcome to parenthood dear. He will either start rowing the boat or jump ship. He is an adult you shouldn’t have to hold his hand every step of the way.

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He needs to smarten up and realize what u went thru is now what he is

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Grow up dad. You can do it too

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Love the advice to pass him tips and tricks that helped you make this a little easier but also suggest that he take on a temporary part/full time job and use all that money to pay a sitter or day care so he doesn’t have to do it

  • going rate for a weekly sitter ranges $150-$300 a week (so yes the whole paycheck)

It’s absolutely crazy to work and pass your whole paycheck to a sitter just go get out of the house and not have to care for your own baby all day so I believe 100% that he won’t take that option but I would offer it so he understands that SAHM/SAHD is an unpaid full time job that nobody gets to take a day off from / no sick days / no clock out times etc….

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He’s not as good at it as you are and he’s frustrated. I wouldn’t respond in kind. He’s clueless… he will learn

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Try to get a sitter for part of the day. You both need a break.

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First…I know petty feels good, but more often than not it creates bigger issues.
Yes you took care of your baby for 9 months. And of course it was a challenge…but you got the…progression…with the experience.
You started with a newborn who wasn’t mobile and whose general needs were very basic. Babe didn’t go from being not mobile to crawling and into everything overnight.
It was a progression that helped you prepare yourself. Think of it like…wading into a pool. Starting in the shallow end and working your way to the deeper parts.
Second, while the situations are similar they’re also different. One partner working nights is always a bigger challenge than just one person working and one person staying home when you’ve got young kids in the mix.
I’ve been stay at home mom for 6 years. My husband has worked overnights twice and honestly it almost resulted in divorce. I was completely used to staying home and taking care of the kiddos by those points…but him on overnights was another type of beast. Neither of us ever got enough sleep. I never had enough help because he either was at work or trying to sleep so he could work. It was freaking miserable for us all.

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You tell him to suck it the hell up like you did for the first 9 months and you will help wherever you can just like he did when he was working.
I like that he is realizing how hard it is.

I’d tell him to put in his big boy panties and suck it up…. Especially if he didn’t help you in the beginning. Maybe give him some pointers but he needs to quit whining and be a dad. That’s his job.

Is there a new dads support group in your area? If not, look for one online.

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Tell him you did it all and he can figure it out

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Remind him he’s sleeping while you’re working. Daytime hours are your bedtime :woman_facepalming:t4:

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You are right to be mad. Just take it one day at a time. A real man could handle it without complaining about it…

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He hasn’t gotten into a groove yet. He’s got to figure it out just like you did and it needs to be explained to him that even when he does it’s still exhausting. You will do all you can to help but he needs to realize you have a very demanding job as well. My advice: some couples therapy and give him some tips that helped you. Let him know it takes one day at a time and he has this. You need your sleep, at least he gets to sleep during the night. I don’t know how anyone sleeps in the day between no one being quiet to light as I need complete darkness. All the power to you. Good luck and all the best as he figures it out.

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Tell him to suck it up cause he’s got the whole summer to figure it out.

I absolutely hate it when these guys act like we do nothing all day long with a baby n chores. Have a sit down with him!! Tell him to get it together!!! Isn’t it always men who say their the Superior Species??? Tell him to prove it!!

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My husband respects me tremendously cause he did have to do it for awhile.
Hang in there. He will get it.

I leave my partner at home with our 11 month old son for 4 hours once or twice a week while I work and he complains. That’s just how men are. The same when they get sick, they just can’t

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He’s gonna have to figure it out babe, just like you did. My husband reacted similarly when he was home with the kids. I try to make things as easy as possible on him by prepping dinner, getting the kids pj’s set out, etc. He figured it out just like I had to when I was home with the kids and house. He’s an adult and these responsibilities are his to share. The best thing you can do is listen to him vent and then build him up. Remind him he’s a great dad and a great husband and he will figure out how to balance everything his way.

yup sounds about right, they think we just sit around and eat bonbons all day

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From another full time nurse mamma, who travels full time. It’s so hard for a man to fill the stay at home role. I don’t care what anyone says. It’s not the same. My hubby is/was a carpenter who became a stay at home dad because it was what was best for our family. The struggle for him is real. He, like me, is not “stay at home” material. We, as career women are kinda like superheroes. We are aces when it comes to multitasking, momming plus holding down the fort so to speak.
Take a deep breath, acknowledge your hubby, be empathetic and ask what you can do to help with this transition. Communication is key and he obviously is overwhelmed and trying to find a sounding board or outlet. Sorry, this will be an ever unpopular answer as it is not typical but it’s my truth.

Some people have no concept of how or what others go through until they walk in someone else’s shoes. Just be positive and tell your husband that he will figure out a routine for him and the baby and he’s doing a great job.

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Tell him to try doing more home stuff when your working. Maybe putting baby down and laying down with you a few hours while baby naps. Then do appointments in early afternoon so you can have a meal with baby time before you go to work .
You can sleep while he does appointments and runs errands.

Tell him to shut up & man up.