Hi, mammas, I need some advice! My husband of a little over a year just confessed he has a hard time feeling connected to my daughter (the previous relationship, she’s ten almost 11). It has also been just her and me for several years, and she never really had a father figure in her life. He adores her and treats her like his own, so that’s not the problem. I do 99% of things that involve her activities because of his work schedule; he does help out a ton when he is home. don’t have a stepparent and don’t really have anyone close that I would be able to go to for advice so I’m hoping any mommies that have the same situation I have might be able to help me out
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Maybe when hes home have him ask her if she needs help with homework if she wants to play find out what she likes to watch her favourite foods and maybe suggest a night watching her favourite film amd eating her favourite food/sweets chocolates
I feel that’s normal. I wouldn’t be too worried about it. You could try get them to spend more one on one time together. I’m a person who doesn’t connect easily with people in general, kids adults it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t mean I don’t love them but I just don’t connect(not sure how to explain it)
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My boyfriend took my daughter on a dinner and movie date just the 2 of them
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They need to go have a fun day together somewhere, just the two of them. Take her somewhere that interests her, or to a movie she would like.
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I wouldnt force anything. The “step” dynamic is hard enough. And your daughter just may not be able to let anyone in, like how she let’s you in. I wouldnt worry too much about, after all they have alot of time to figure it out. 
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In my opinion, it’s normal. It will take time for a connection and bond. Not something to rush. My stepdaughter and I still have connection issues. She’s lived with us for almost a year.
Find something they have in common and go from there.
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My husband takes my oldest out to the movies or something they can both do and enjoy. My oldest is 9 &my husband came along when he was 18months.
My dad always took me fishing with him when he had the time. We’d play board games and he introduced me to classic rock. Told me all his stories about growing up and just living. He’s without a doubt one of my best friends.
Just have him include her when he has time off in whatever he’s doing.
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Maybe they should spend some one on one time together. Have him take her to dinner or something to get to know her one on one.
As a guy im going thru the same thing. Her daughter is 12 and it was basically her and her mom for the past 6 years. Then I come into the picture and she feels as if i am stealing her mom from her and has an attitude with everything . I do everything possible to include her and make her happy with us but it’s a struggle for sure.
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Ask him to start taking her for “date nights”. They get dressed up, go to dinner and or a movie and can talk, therefore connect.
I wouldn’t worry too much. People have a hard time connecting with their biological children they’ve been with sense birth as they get older, and I’m sure it’s harder to just jump in. There isnt going to be an instant connection. He obviously loves for her as you said he treats her like she’s his own child. Maybe try going out on more outings that they can bond with so he can get a feel for what she likes/dislikes without the pressure.
It’s hard to connect with kids that age even for natural born parents
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They need to do things together like dinner and things so they can talk and bond
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This has been somewhat of an issue with us. My husband and I have been married almost 5 years, my oldest is 17 now. It was just me and her for a long time. Her dad wasn’t totally in her life but he was in her life, if that makes sense lol. I have full custody, he had visitation only. So basically I raised her alone. She’s very strong and independent. She’s had a job since she was 13, makes good grades, pays for her car payment and ins and her phone. My husband didn’t have kids until he married me and now we have 2 girls. He does a lot for my daughter, always helped her with previous trucks she had when her dad wouldn’t help. He drives a tow truck and she likes going on calls with him so they’ve gotten along. He’s taken her to dinner, just the two of them. Her own dad won’t do that. But he tries too hard to be dad and she feels like she shouldn’t answer to anyone but me. Her dad has never told her what to do but at his house he has rules and she follows them. Here she wants to slack on things like chores and keeping her room clean. I don’t ask her to do much and I have let a lot slide depending on her work schedule. She gets out of school at 1:20 and would sometimes go straight to work and be there till 9:30. I’m put in the middle of everything and it starts a fight because he feels like she don’t respect him or me. Which I do get that. He signed for the car she has now because her own dad wouldn’t, he could’ve paid cash 3 times for her car but won’t help her. I know a lot of it is my fault because I raised her different. She’s always been more important to me than anything and she knows it. But at the same time my husband acts like a big ol baby and wants to start yelling at everyone when things aren’t his way and I don’t want her to think she has to put up with it. So she is staying at my dads house right now, which is good for him too because we lost my mom last June and it’s been extremely hard on all of us. And my dad has had some health problems and it’s good she’s there to keep an eye on him. Sorry this is so long lol.
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I have no connection with my step daughter but its a totally different situation
Being a step mom has been a living hell for me cause her mom…i would suggest of your daughter is up for it maybe once a week her and ur husband go out just them to like for a icecream date or something.
I’m no help here, my step dad came into my life at 5, and we had a fantastic relationship.
I agree with the Daddy /Dtr.date , monthly. You too should have a day a month to do the Girl thing. Fun for all ,time will bring them closer . Good luck !
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It will come in time
Definitely have take time with her and get to know her. My 2 daughters think the sun rises and sets in step dads ass. And they have a full time amazing dad. He takes them for mani and pedis games atts and crafts. They are 10 and 12. Hes gotta get on her level and include her. When he runs out to the store he can ask her to go.
Maybe a daddy daughter date?
Maybe he could do a daddy daughter day once a month or so and take her out
Depends on what the daughter likes to do, if she’s athletic they could go to a batting cage, driving range, etc… he’s going to have to do things she enjoys.
My husband has 2 days a week he devotes to just Nash days. They do fun activities and sometimes not so fun haha. My 5 year old loves Kyle days. He will now bypass me and say Kyle I need you to come cuddle or Kyle come play this game with me. Which is surprising cause he wont let nash win ever haha. Super smash bros in our house is real competitive
Let him try to do more of the activities that you would do, or maybe some daddy daughter days; to the movies, the park, even a salon day; “there’s no pride when it comes to the princess of the castle”. As long as he doesn’t give up, he has to remember, just as you said, it’s only been you.
Start having them do thing together like daddy daughter dates movies dinner have him take her to go bond with each other very important to build this bind before puberty hits for him and her !!!
They have to find common ground and build. It’s just like any relationship. My daughter just turned 11, for us it was horror films. I never had let her see them, so watching with him made it kinda special…
She needs time, also at this age a girl has ‘mommy’ problems (boys, boobs, periods, etc) things she won’t want to talk about with a man, when she is older and wants a car or has a flat in the henday, that’s when dad’s number is top in her phone.
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Father daughter date maybe? Painting with a twist is fun and engaging. With a stop to a lil pizza shop… Why not, couldn’t hurt
I got a stepdad at 13 (and 3 siblings!)…it’s a tough age at best. I was kind of jealous at first, but they both treated us all the same. Same set of rules, discipline from whoever was closest. They were always a team.
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I agree with the posts that he needs to spend one on one time with her, get to really know her, let her get to know him. It would help if they found a common interest, like fishing, bowling, camping, hiking, anything that could be done on at least a monthly basis. A step child/parent relationship is not always easy and can be complicated bonds take time to form, it is ok that he does not feel bonded to her YET, it will happen over time.
My husband will randomly take my daughter to the store with him and get a secret treat. I pretend not to know what they are really doing in the store. He does this with both the older kids. My daughter gets a hug and called the princess of his home. My husband wants a bio daughter but spoiling her for now. It’s normal let them do things together
Just keep trying. Maybe talk to your daughter and see what kind of activities she’d like to do with him.
They must do activities together
I was 5 when my stepdad came into our lives. I think because I was so young I was able to have a connection with him almost right away. They married when I was 9 and he’s been a significant part of my life for almost 20 years now. I’ve always had a very good connection with him and wouldn’t ever want another man to be my stepdad.
Although! When my dad started seeing my stepmom we didn’t connect for a long time. I was 13 when my dad started seeing her so I was basically a bratty teen. She made many many attempts to connect with me and it never really worked. She tried for several years. It wasn’t until I was 19 and got pregnant with my twins and almost died in the hospital before having them we had a very big breakthrough. Since then we have been very close and I couldn’t be more blessed to have her as a stepmom. Sometimes it takes time for connections to happen. My stepmom never gave up and that’s always helped me realize just how important I am to her.
Have your hubby continue doing what he’s doing and eventually a connection will be made.
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Maybe the two of them could have a daddy and daughter date night once a month or if his schedule allows he could go have lunch with her at her school during his lunch break. Best wishes❤️
I agree with Alice. If they both enjoy a certain activity or game or really it can be anything just as long as they both have interest in it. Or he doesn’t have to have interests as long as your daughter does he can still do it with her. And it can be something as simple as coloring together reading a book together . If she likes to read and is 10 or 11 a good book that she enjoys and he read a chapter and she read a chapter . I used to love it when myself and my mom read books together and that comes from someone who does not really care to read it all.
Sometimes it just is that way. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care for her, just means he doesn’t have that from birth bond you have
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Normal only 1 year in. I wouldn’t stress it and just do things as a family until they both feel comfortable. I wouldn’t even suggest an alone thing/date until they both seem okay with that idea.
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He will come around. Just remain calm
Same with my son and I and was the same age as your daughter. Bad age. He should not discipline that is up to you. He should be a friend to her. Not a stepfather for now. Take interest in what she is doing and help her. Does not have to call him Dad. His first name is fine. If she needs help with something volunteer to help her. She isn’t like his own child. Don’t push her. Just be there for her. My son married into a family of 3. And from our experience he knew what not to do. They call him by his name but refer to him as step dad now to others. He helps when they need it but leaves it up to them to ask. My soul mate after several years for 23 years was like this so he learned from him. It will work out if he doesn’t try to treat her as a daughter but as a friend . In time she will turn around.
My husband does a daughter/daddy date. The go to dinner and a movie and talk. He asked about school and all different kinds of stuff so that he was getting to know his 2 step daughters. They do it once a month now. He just needs to do a 1 on 1.
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Go out do family activities go to the zoo a museum or library maybe a movie and dinner go have a family date arcades are also really fun and great for a family