My husband wants to join the Army but I do not want himt too: Advice?

Hi…can you post my question? My husband wants to join the Army but I am against it. We have only been married for 6 months but I know that this is a life that I do not want and know that he only wants to join because his brother just did. What would you do?

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Be proud that he wants to serve

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My dad was in air force before they had me and stayed in for a couple years after they had me. I think its a wonderful thing and i support anyone who decides to join any branch. If someone wants to do it, dont hold them back. And if you dont think you can handle it, because its definitely not easy. Then go separate ways

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If he joins, you can #xyz. Pick anything. Your life after marriage is a team decision … he didn’t choose this before marriage, you should both be in agreement. It forever changes your life too.

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Support his decision… always let your partner shoot for their goals… it’s unhealthy not to and causes resentment… partners aren’t supposed to hold you back, they’re supposed to cheer you on

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I joined the military. Its a very rewording life! Also in 25 years he has a life time pension!

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You should be supportive of his dreams and passions. Just as you would expect him to be supportive of yours. If you can’t support him, quite frankly, that’s not love and you need to end it.

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As much as you don’t want him to - if he stays because YOU don’t want him to may cause problems further on in your marriage. I say let him join

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Support him 100%. Marriage is about supporting each other’s dreams and goals. Talk with other wives who husbands serve in the Army.

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I spent the first 4 years of my marriage as an army wife. It has a lot of great perks. I met my best friend through it, the bonds you make are like no other. Health care is free, and you can buy at the px on post tax free. ON THE OTHER HAND… depending on the job that he does he could be gone… like all the time. my husband was infantry. Between training, CQ, and deployments I saw him maybe 40 percent of the time, If that. If you have kids you will expect to raise them by yourself for at least 9 months at a time every 2- 3 years or so. I absolutely refused to have kids while he was in for that reason.The decision HAS to be one that you both make. My husband had already signed his papers before we met.

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Talk to him about why he wants to join. Benefits? Needs a job and he knows it’s a guaranteed income? I would support his decision because ultimately it is his decision. It’s understandable to not want that life because it is hard on spouses and family. Explain your side to him as well.

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My daughter is retiring from the Navy this year, after 26 years. It has been good to her.

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Are you certain that that’s his sole purpose for wanting to join, or is that what you’re telling yourself because it’s something that you don’t want? I’m not saying you’re wrong by any means, but we tend to shift blame and point fingers when we are upset. This is a huge decision for the two of you. You’re going to get opinions in favor of him and some that rule in your favor, but those opinions can’t make the decision for either of you. Sit down together as a couple and weigh out the pros and cons. Military life is different for everyone, and unfortunately because of that it’s best not to rely on input from others.

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I would say since you two married before he wanted to join and it is going to effect your life too it’s both of your decisions. Unfortunately he will resent you if he doesn’t join and then your marriage is dammed so sounds like either way it is bc u won’t be happy and if he doesn’t then he won’t be. So… :pleading_face: you may find yourself getting a divorce if you both don’t agree and neither of you want to budge.

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Ive wished my husband would join up for a few years. I know it would make him stronger mentally, and he refuses. Sit down and talk to him. It isn’t permanent, nothing is. If he wants to do it figure out how to support him.

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I was a military brat. It sucked because they constantly stationed my dad all over the place. My mom finally had it and when he had the opportunity to leave she told him it’s us or them. it takes its toll on the family. If he wanted that life he should have mentioned it before you got married because, tbh, itd be a deal breaker for me. I don’t want that life again.

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Would he do the same for you?

If you wanted to start a career that would take you away from him, your kids, your life for months to a year would he also support you? Worth thinking about.

Military spouses sacrifice a lot too so your opinion matters just as much. Not being 100% supportive doesn’t mean you don’t love him, but it’s a HUGE, life altering career choice. Your opinion matters too.

Weigh the pros and cons.

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Did u know he wanted to join before u got married

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I guess I am the opposite of everyone else here but, HE SHOULD HAVE talked to you about this BEFORE marriage. It’s a lot different than, "Hey I want to go to college or another goal. Yes, sit down and talk about it but also this is going to change YOUR life a lot.

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Talk to him about it, and how you feel. This is a huge life decision and will affect both of you for a few years at the least. Are you prepared to make the sacrifices that will need to be made in order to support him? Are you prepared for what could happen? Injury, death, PTSD, etc.? This is not a decision to be made on a whim, or without taking your partner’s feelings into account.
And no, I’m not anti military… I come from a military family, and live in a military town. I’ve just seen the harsh realities.

I mean if you didn’t sign up for it and you don’t wanna live that way your feelings are valid. He will be gone alot and military life is hard and unpredictable.

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Support him. That’s a big move for him and your family. Theres positive and negative about him joining but look at it as if you decided to start your career and he didnt support it. You would be upset and probably do it anyways.

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I would talk to him about WHY he’s wanting to join. Active duty military has a lot of perks, but it is a huge commitment and life changing decision.
If he’s wanting to do it for more of the military aspect of it itself, perhaps he look into the Army reserves, or National Guard for your state. Both still have a ton of benefits, just without having to completely uproot your entire life.

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I think you have to step back and ask what type of army. Will he be deployed? Will he stay stateside and still be home?
It’s a huge decision and it can’t be made over night. It also can’t be “I want to/I don’t want you to”. You guys will have to discuss this in great length. Discuss the possible horrid outcomes. Discuss the positive sides too. Good luck

Nope I’m sorry, I made it clear in the beginning of dating that i didn’t want to be a military wife when he mentioned boot camp. I also made it clear that I will not willing to leave my family, I only have a fue left.
Life changing choices like serving should be discussed before ever getting seriously involved.
You don’t have to just automatically accept life changing choices by your partner.

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Ya no I wouldn’t be supportive and tbh I wouldn’t be with him :woman_shrugging:

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I’d set a 12 month timeframe and if he still wants to do it then have a serious discussion with the aim of him enlisting in the 12 months after that. 12 months to 24 months wait is not long if it’s definitely what he wants. Military life is all consuming for not just the enlisted, but their partner and children. It’s too big of a decision to do on a whim.

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It’s definitely a decision that you both have to make. Just like any job he would take. It will change your life as well.

That shouldn’t be spontaneous but you all’s support him

You can talk about it but in the end its his decision but I’d be terrified. I’ve had this convo and was against it. He didnt act on it but still scares me.

Flock all this “support his decision” nonsense!
I joined at 17 and I got engaged the night I swore in. My husband absolutely knew what we were in for and it was still hard on us!! We got stationed in the city we lived in when I had 2 of my 3 miscarriages and then a miracle baby and if I hadn’t had my family…
No one here knows your situation. If you’re struggling to put food on the table and he is uneducated and untrained then yes. Join and learn a skill.
But if you are established as a family and surrounded by your own support system them he can join the National Guard. This won’t end your trajectory and remove your support system.
How would you handle him making 30k a year, you have 2 young kids, and you get stationed in New York like my niece and her husband? Oh. Her husband deploys 9 months every 2 years minimum. He works on helicopters so he’s always gone for a training if he’s CONUS.
Also, there are no jobs near Fort Drum. Nothing part time that would work with childcare. Nothing on base. Just a base in the middle of no where that caters to the locals.
This decision can’t be made alone and isn’t one to be taken lightly.

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My first husband joined the army and I didn’t want him to. I wanted to finish college and not have to move. He left for basic training and in the first week he called crying to come home! Army wouldn’t let him out! :rofl:

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As a veteran I would recommend if he can join the navy or air force or marines as a last choice.

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Sorry, but I would not recommend it. For him or for you. My family is a military family and I have many friends also enlisted, so I knew what the life was. When Married my husband I knew what to expect, but it was insane. Totally different as a spouse than as a grandchild, child, niece, nephew, cousin, etc. also not every MOS ((job in the army)) is the same, so while his brother could have some Cush gig and have it be fun and games, your husband might not end up in the same MOS. My husband was literally ALWAYS gone either training, at schools or deployed. Literally he would be home for a few days to a week and then be gone again for god only knows how long at a time. Also, with my husband, nothing was certain. Not even minutes before. Like our whole lives had to revolve around his job basically. I wasn’t able to accomplish my own life goals, I had to change jobs a lot, also you know moving every few years is a thing. It happens. Like everything can be up in the air at all times. After being with my husband thru all that, I wouldn’t recommend it for anyone. I was so beyond excited when my husband got our after so many years (he was in from beginning of 2012 until almost end of 2019). Also, the aftermath, the mental toll it takes on your spouse… and yourself… not worth it. Your spouse will likely change a lot. I know mine did and he definitely isn’t the person that I married or dated.

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Support him or divorce him.

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Do what’s best for both of you! It’s a marriage, you are a team. This is both of your lives. Don’t listen to these people saying your wrong for feeling this way.

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All the support his decision comments come off as a little harsh. Yes we are supposed to support and build with one another but this decision in one that effects your life too. Discuss your feelings more with him. You don’t want to end up resenting one another.

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If its something he’s always considered then you should of thought about before marriage but if its something that seems impulsive eg the brother joining then it needs a deeper discussion because that’s what marriage is you don’t just get to change everything on a whim and expect the other to agree nothing about the army life is easy and you’d have to be prepared for that or to move on

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Support or divorce. If you plan to support, go in understanding that you are agreeing to uproot your life every few years, be the primary caretaker for children, and likely give up your own career. Military families sacrifice a lot. National Guard or Reserves aren’t the answer. Deployment rates are high and many Reserves get called to Active service. If your spouse joins either, be prepared for a similar life. My whole life has been affiliated with the military. Dad was enlisted 30 years and I now work for the military as a civilian. Perhaps your spouse would consider civil service. He could work alongside servicemembers but in a noncombat, nondeployable role. If he ever wanted to deploy he could volunteer up to a year at a time. NATO offers deployments (very prestigious) and each service component does too. Prior to deployment he would get a full medical workup, weapons training, uniforms, etc., just like a soldier. Salary during deployments is nontaxable and he is guaranteed his old job once the deployment is done. This would balance his desire to join the military with your need for stability. Civil service also has retirement benefits.

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My husband was already in the Navy when we got married. It would have been great if he wasn’t, but this was his choice and I accepted that and we are making it work. I’m actually thankful for this lifestyle for a lot of reasons! It’s not your choice and if you love him, you have to support him. It’s not easy being a military spouses sometimes but it’s doable. Imagine if you really wanted to do something and he told you no because it was not a life he wanted. You’d probably be pretty upset.

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Did you know this before you got married? Or is this something he just recently has brought up?
If you knew about this prior to marriage then you need to support him or not have married him. If its something recently then talk to him and tell him how you feel and you may have to make a choice to stay with him lr not. or he had the idea then told you no prior to marriage then he needs to stay true to that
I am sorry you are going through this. It has to be what he truely wants and not just because someone else did it.

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Grow up and support him. While he’s away use the time to yourself to achieve fitness goals, career goals, further your education, decorate the house, spend time with friends and improve yourself.

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The army is better for him and you than him becoming a crack head or something. Also look for the positive. You may get to see places you never could

It’s his life, his choices. If you truly love him… Support him. No matter what.

I always said I would never get with a soldier. But here I am, married to one for 5 1/2 years (who is now close to retiring, he was in when I met him), and he’s now a Drill Sergeant which, well… is a very shitty job for married soldiers. But I love him more than the world itself. He makes this life worth it.

The military life sucks. I won’t sugar coat it. But if you two truly love each other and your relationship is focused on that, you’ll be fine.

Has he talked about this before marriage? Or is it something new? I’ve never been through this so my advice may not be the best but, talk to each other as a team. Let him know why you don’t want him to. Don’t just off the bat say no. I don’t think I could handle it either. But, I also wouldn’t want my husband to give up something he really wanted to do. But, if you plan on having children ( or have children) of course it’s going to be even harder. But, there are benefits as well. Good luck. I hope it works out for you!

Talk to him about it. You’re married, the army is a HUGE commitment and you guys need to discuss it because it effects your life too. All these ladies screaming you have to support his decisions aren’t seeming to understand you have a voice in this too. Be calm, don’t just say no discuss pros and cons, maybe ask he wait 6 months to see if he still wants to enlist then. Talk about it like adult do not go in there with the intent to “win”, this is a discussion not an argument.

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How old are you guys?? What was he doing before for work? Why would he want to join just because his brother did? So many questions.
Maybe you can compromise and he can join the reserves or the coast guard? Closer to home, unless a war breaks out… which is totally possible.
I wouldn’t go for uprooting my whole life either. I picture this only coming from a very young person though… :thinking:
Maybe you all got married too young or too soon? You should have talked about careers and life choices well before marrying him. I’m so curious as to how old y’all are. Anyway… uh-uh. Nope. Not for me.
Good luck.

Maybe you guys could compromise with the National guard? My husband did that and it got him the training he needed for him to have a better civilian career and allowed us to live an all around better life

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So much yes, you don’t want what? Someone w/values? Someone so selfless they’ll put their life on the line for unsupportive people like you?! Hopefully he goes, and leaves you in the dust.

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Get counseling. A military marriage is hard and many decisions will come up for you to make together. It may be helpful to have marriage counseling.

It will also help you, in case he deploys, and you need to deal with PTSD and adjustment to civilian life afterward.

It can also give you both a safe space to explore issues like whether you want to have young kids while he’s in the military, what are both of your expectations, and can the relationship continue or does it need to end.

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Maybe after all is said and done he won’t like and won’t stay in long but if you tell him no he’s going to resent you for a long time.

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This sounds like something that should of been discussed before the wedding or even a proposal. If it wasn’t and he is only just thinking about it now, then you’ll both need to sit down and have a proper conversation. If you married him knowing that’s what he wanted to do then you need to support him.

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Be prepared to also accept you may end up with someone sick, and to whom all promises made by the government will be broken. Look at stats on military veterans. Early death from cancer because of exposure to things the VA mandates will not be covered becasue the US government denies exposure… mental illness due to trauma, inability to work, you may end up being a caretaker for the rest of your life or at risk because they become an addict or violent. Our military breaks people and throws them away like trash.

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I’ll be honest, I’ve been with my husband since high school and I told him from the get go I didn’t want to be a military spouse (it was one of his MANY dreams). Well here we are 12 years together 10 years married and I’m a military spouse and have been for 10 years lol :woman_shrugging:t3: The first few years were rough but he was young, but I wouldn’t want any other lifestyle. I’ve come to LOVE our lifestyle and I am so proud of my husband!

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Support him…men have to work for most of their lives and ought to be happy.If it makes him happy then you should help him .not hold him back.

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If he chose this after you guys were married, you’re within your rights to get the marriage annulled. You didn’t sign up to be an army wife. It’s a lot to ask you and you have every right to be part of the decision. If he chose this without you, you can make the choice to leave.

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I would discuss your feelings and concerns. Did he mention this before getting married?

Join the dependa life!

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This should be good​:frog::coffee:this should be REAL good​:smirk::sweat_smile:

You all need to sit down and weigh the pros and cons of this Life changing decision. Tell him you support him but that his decision affects both of you. This is definitely something that you both should talk about together. This is not a career change this is a complete life style change.

I did not want my husband to join the military, he did with me kicking and screaming. We spent 22 years with him active duty, and we had huge opportunities to see and do things that others only dream about. Was it hard? YES, it was, but life is hard and we have many shared memories. Why are you so against it?

Support him…let him know your concerns but support him

That’s not something that you just wake up and decide to do one day. He should’ve told you this before you guys got together, tbh. The military-spouse life is a major deal-breaker for some people.

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If he’s adamant about joining and you know this isn’t a life for you then go your separate ways because in the long run you will be miserable and may start to resent him. My husband use to be in the marines and he gets a lot of benefits but like I said if it’s not the life that he wants then divorce him especially if y’all don’t have children together. I feel like he should have been honest about what he wanted to do before y’all got married.

I would talk over everything with him. Support him if he does decide to go in. Gonna be rough for him to if does. Not a decision to jump into lightly

So. I’m going to add a follow up question. What if SHE has a good career or has a job that she’s moving up and has a lot of potential. How do you value one career over the other? Why is it support him, and not support her? Also, if any of you are military spouses, what is your career and how has having to move around affected your career.

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Support his decision!! My daughter joined the Coast Guard best decision she could have made!!!

I’m in the Air Force and it was the best decision I ever made. 12 years and counting!