My husbands daughter (16 years old) is constantly back talking me when she comes over…i honestly dont even want to be here when she is here…what can i do about this as my husband seems to not care when she does it?
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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husbands daughter keeps back talking me: Advice?
There’s not enough info. Exactly what do you consider talking back? I’ve seen so many parents accuse their kids of talking back and in reality the kid is just trying to ask a question or trying to explain something. How long have you been her stepmom? Do you have any bio kids, and how old are they?
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So don’t be there when she comes over. Remove yourself and let dad deal with her. Enjoy your time off. If u aren’t able to leave when she is there just go into another room so u don’t have to be with her. She will get the hint. And if hubby says anything just tell him you are tired of her disrespect and you refuse to take part in it any longer
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“Husbands daughter” is a red flag. She is your stepCHILD. When you married him you married his family. Talk to her about why she does this. Maybe there’s a reason, maybe there’s not. She’s 16 and has divorced parents. I’m guessing her life didn’t go how she wanted it to. Instead of expecting your husband to handle it maybe you should step up as a parent and set boundaries on your own.
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I mean the way you call her your "husband’s daughter " doesn’t sound like you have accepted her as yours and tried to build a relationship. If you marry someone with kids you need to have a decent relationship with the kid or i dont think you should be married yet. The kid was there first.
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Talking back, respond like an adult would. Teens are not kids, they are in the middle of understanding kid world and learning the adult world.
More boundaries, rules, finding their place and where they fit and belong, maturing yet confused brains.
Talking back is a push on the boundaries, the test of a teen teaches us many things about ourselves too.
Reassess how you are seeing the situations without any personal feeling involved.
You may find you are both in error.
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Guess what? She’s a teenager. I’m guessing you don’t have any teenagers yet do you? There’s a reason she’s doing it so are you treating her differently? Are you respectful towards her? Etc.
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First she isn’t “my husbands daughter” in this situation she is YOUR stepdaughter. Second if you don’t want her there then leave, she is his child, you aren’t claiming her here. If that is how you treat her it’s no wonder she isn’t respectful.
I’d try talking to her like a human that is welcome in a home that whether you like it or not is also her home.
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Tell him that you don’t want her at your house if she is going to keep disrespecting you, and honestly your husband is disrespecting you too by letting her talk to you like that.
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Dad and you need to get on the same page . There has to be boundaries and consequences.
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None of you are from the South and it shows. 
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Have u tried to include her and make her feel welcome? How about a girls day, just the two of u bonding. It works wonders. The mall, ur nails done, dinner and maybe a movie. Show her some love. U can’t just expect her to love u without showing her the same. She has a mother and didn’t ask for another one, it just happened to her. U just May have to go out of ur way, but it would help the BOTH of u to get feelings, good feelings, for each other
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Just ignore her when she comes 2you. If she back chat. Show her da door.if her father doesn’t like it tell tiugh,join her . If he can’t control his disrespectful child then he’s not a good dad. If thus doesn’t change.everytime she comes to your home.go away 4the day/weekend visits. Also she’s big enough 2cook,clean n do things around the home.also dad needs 2catch a wake up and decide if he thinks that’s good then he can allow her 2disrespect him not you.
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I think once they get a certain age, it’s inevitable… step parent or not
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Everyone’s calling her out for saying “husband’s daughter” yet have no clue as to wether they accepted her as a STEP parent in the first place! When I got with my girls dad I WAS NEVER aloud to call his sons my STEP sons! He hated it and he would ask me to stay clear away from his boys! He made it clear those were HIS KIDS and I was to have nothing to do with them! Some of you so quick to judge she could be in the same kind of situation!!
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Listen to what she is saying and try and hear what’s bothering her.
Also she’s 16 it’s gonna happen.
Be patient.
She doesn’t know how to handle the emotions she’s feeling. She may look grown but she’s not.
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Going through same thing with my daughter with her stepmom and I both. My ex started dating stepmom, and married her within 8 months when my daughter was 13. She is now 17 and has her daddy wrapped around her finger. No matter how many people tell him something he goes and asks her and she lies and twists things so we are all the liars. It is extremely hard to be around her sometimes. Stepmom has pretty much stopped talking to my daughter. When daughter is over at his house and stepmom wants her to do something she calls or texts my ex and tells him to have my daughter do it. Me on the other hand has to deal with it. So i just tell her I will not pay for rhis or pay for that.
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Stand up for yourself, if her mom is cordial with you talk to her and dad together then bring child in bc she’s old enough to know and learn to show and be a respectful young lady. If dad isn’t backing you and correcting his daughter he isn’t showing you respect either. May be time to set sail for you. I wouldn’t allow my own children to treat any adult or anyone at like that. Starts at home, you might have two options be the catalyst of that change you’re wanting or leave. It will not smooth out overnight either, it’s work, choose what’s worth your time.
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Dad’s probably of the mindset that if you ignore the behavior, it will eventually end, and mom is probably the disciplinarian between the two of them, and while that is true to an extent, it does bother you. You should sit your husband down privately and explain that her disrespect is hurtful, and his inaction regarding it makes you feel like you’re not only not respected by her, but not by him, either, and he needs to show her that you two are a united front, and tell her that she needs to be respectful of you, because you are a part of his life, and it’s not right for her to disrespect you, especially in your own home.
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A conversation needs to happen between you 3. Your husband needs to take charge in this situation, the teenager probably is biter that her dad and mom are not together so it’s easy to take it out on you.
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Think you worded that wrong you mean your- step daughter… and also yes her father should be having words with her about her attitude and respect towards you while she is in the home also you can still tell her off but she just being a typical teenager trying to push her boundaries with you…
I teach my kids the same thing my nan taught hers. You can say what ever you like as long as you do so respectfully. But you won’t get anywhere without dads help, he needs to step up
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At that age, it’s normal. What you need to do is actually ignore the back talk and wait until she cools down, then go talk to her about what it is that is troubling her. She may just feel like nothing she feels or does is enough, find a way to support her and understand that she’s human and you need to teach her that it’s okay to disagree, and she can always agree to disagree but the yelling and the fighting needs to stop in the household so it’s a peaceful and safe place, also let her know that she is more than enough and she is loved even on the bad days.
Let her know that you and her dad are not the enemy, that you want her to succeed in life, that you want her to make the best choices she can possibly make and that even though it’s hard, you guys are proud of her.
It’s your home … Demand respect or tell her she isn’t welcome in your home until she can learn it. She doesn’t have to like you, bond with you, etc but she does have to learn a fine line of respect !!! If daddy can’t discipline or parent appropriately then he can visit her elsewhere or move out all together.
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Lol she’s 16 and her parents aren’t together give her a break maybe if you tried to get on her level maybe just maybe you could make things work. Good luck!!
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I know it is petty and immature that I do this, but I am going to confess something here mamas that has worked for me. My step daughter often fails to acknowledge me (and other adults, especially when she is asked to do something she doesn’t want to do and has no intention of doing). To her I will say something like “this is a family event and we are all going and that includes you and that is the end of it.” My kids, including her, are trained to acknowledge adults when spoken to, so she knows better. When she ignores me, I turn directly to my 9 year old son (in front of my husband and my step daughter) and say if you EVER fail to acknowledge me like she just did? And my son says something like “I would never do that mom I would say yes ma’am even if I didn’t want to go.” Then I will turn back to her and say (in my husband’s presence) your birth parents may let you get away with disrespect, but take it from your LITTLE BROTHER on how to behave in this household. I promise you young lady that you don’t want to make an enemy of me (not that she ever could, I love her too much … She was my first baby). I may not be in a position to enforce my parental standards on you, but you know what I expect. What you don’t know is what I am capable of and you don’t ever want to know." Even if it doesn’t work immediately, it makes me feel better. I stand up to her and my husband all out in the open. And … It hits home with her because it will be a long time before she does it again once something like this goes down. Okay mom’s go ahead and flog me. I know it’s coming.
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Speaking as a woman who was that kid, it’s hard to feel loved and accepted by someone who doesn’t consider themselves your mom. I’ve had 9 step mothers and only 1 of them treated me as her own. She was always my daughter this my daughter that took me to do a picture thing and all kinds of stuff. The fact that you referred to her as “my husbands daughter”, shows that you don’t actually accept her as your own no matter what you say outloud. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say she probably back talks you more than anyone else in her life possibly for 2 reasons. 1 She probably wants her mom n dad back together because most kids do. 2 She doesn’t feel accepted by you because I’m sure when you see people in the street instead of this is my daughter or our daughter it’s “my husbands daughter.” It has an effect on how she treats you. Maybe you should take and plan a one on one day take her to get nails done or hair or even just get do at home stuff and actually attempt to bond with her. Talk to her about her feelings and try to show an interest in her and what she likes. Also remember she is a teenager and teenager backtalk in general.
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Her dad should be taking care of this . She needs her father to tell it’s completely unacceptable and will not happen. No matter what he has to do for her to understand this.
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Is “talking back” just not being a “yes” person? She’s a young adult that is entitled to her opinion. What exactly constitutes talking back? You really sound like you just don’t want her around. It’s her father’s home as well as yours and if he doesn’t feel like she’s being disrespectful then it might be you “trying to rule the roost” because you feel that’s your right, that is the problem.
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This is on dad to stop this… if he’s not willing…it won’t change
. You should not have to tolerate this treatment… I guarantee this girl knows exactly what shes doing and does not care…
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Nothing u can do until your husband puts his foot down and tell her she needs to respect u!
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My mom & step dad have been together more than 25yrs. He came into our lives when I was 11. I was an absolute nightmare until around 17-18 when I realized he wasn’t my enemy or out to get me or ruin my relationship with my mom etc. Teenagers can be extremely difficult. The one thing I appreciate the most about my step dad is that he never once gave on me or trying to be there for me, he tried very hard to build a relationship with me. If your marriage, your husband are important to than Don’t give up on her. Maybe be a little more compassionate to her feelings.
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Pick your battles. Try building a relationship with her
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It seems like a phase, we went through it too. I just got my hubby to work with his girls and I just remained calm and didn’t take it on board. A lot of it had to do with their mother being in their ear about me not being their mother and them not having to listen to me. They are both adults now and are amazing, we have a wonderful relationship. 
Stay strong and don’t let it get you down, it’s up to their father to enforce that they have respect for you.
Ps Teenage girls 
lol please don’t listen to the “haters” on here 
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Put on your big girls pant and deal with it. My kids have a stepdad. At first they weren’t sure they like him, but they learned to love him. See my husband doesn’t have children and most men wouldn’t date women with 4 kids. Fortunately he was my childhood best friend and was in love with me. He struggled with my kids at first too. He learned to love them like his own… so don’t make it worse by calling her my husband’s daughter. She will continue to resent you. Show her you care and be patient… she is a teenager, so it’s gonna take time. You have to earn her love. But your husband needs to man up and do whats right.
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Not much you can do if your husband doesn’t care .
Give him a lesson and stay away when she stay at your place and see if he like it
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She’s 16 love. Give her some grace. You’re not even taking any responsibility by saying she’s just your husband’s daughter. Just give her unconditional love and respect. She’ll grow out of the sassy essay. My goodness this is a phase. Just talk to her like young adult she is and ignore her retorts. Don’t punish her for normal teenage behavior. You ignore it and move on.
My husbands daughter ofc
But even the “I don’t even want to be here when she’s here” is such a red flag
I get frustrated with my kids and I haven’t yet said that and if I feel like that for a slight second I’ll walk to the bathroom and pretend to go potty like … ? This is sad.
She’s a child coming into a ROLLER COASTER of emotions I’m sure you’ll excuse yourself by when it’s your second wind (menopause) you should be guiding her on how to communicate respectfully/ correctly but it sure sounds like you’re stuck in that unknowing teen stage too 
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You can talk to your husband or better yet all 3 of you sit down and talk about it. I have a 17 year old who sometimes gives his step father attitude and when we have a problem I talk to both of them. Teens are tough but they’re also capable of having adult conversations about what you expect from them.
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The way you call her “my husbands daughter” makes it sound like you haven’t accepted her as part of your family. Plus you didn’t really put a lot of info. Have you tried doing fun stuff with her or are you just a disciplinarian? Have you put yourself in her shoes? How long have you been in her life? She’s plenty old enough for you to have a heart to heart with and ask her why she treats you that way. Have you asked your husband to ask her why she back talks you? Do you have a civil relationship with her mother? If not that may be a huge part of it.
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Your husband feels that the relationship with you is in the bag, but that he may lose his relationship with his daughter if he defends you by telling her not to back talk, so basically he has chosen his daughters time with him over your feelings. By him not standing up for you he has given her permission to just keep on doing it. If you could afford it I would take a little hotel vacation every time the child showed up from now on. How can you respect a man and his daughter that’s not respecting you, after a while you’ll become resentful of this situation.
Sounds like a typical teen.
Have you spoken to your husband about this and set rules around her coming to stay. Have you set those rules with her and have you spoken to her around the relationship and how she feels about it. Maybe a simple fix.
I feel its a jealousy thing with the daughter and if you speak up it’ll only cause problems with you and her dad. Does she do it around him or just you and her. Maybe record her and show her dad. It’ll just get out of control on her part. Me I woukd leave the room when she’s around… Even if you try to build a bond with her , she won’t have it. Just saying. I can go on cause I know what it’s like to be a step mom. Just hang in there. I also would quit doing things or buying anything for her or until she shows rescept towards you.
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I don’t think he has anything to do with being a step child because my own teenage son mouth backs to me all the time. It’s the age. We know nothing
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You and your husband need to talk and be on the same page and then yall should both have a conversation with her about her behavior and what yall are both expecting if her dad isn’t on the same page then that’s when u need to question is this something you are willing to deal with forever cause kids are a lifetime commitment
My 10 year old son back talks me all the time and runs his mouth about everything. It gets really ridiculous, my husband (not his bio dad) also corrects him and tells him that’s now he should be talking to me and shouldn’t be disrespecting me when I didn’t even do anything to be treated that way. I take away is vr head set for a day each time he does. He only does it to me and my mom too.
Talk to her like a regular person cause she is. Teens are people with personalities and often stuff that’s considered talking back esp in that age range is them trying to joke around with you- or test and see if you have a sense of humor and see them as a person or as a child you need to control. Talking back is just having a conversation.
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I mean I think some attitude to some degree is pretty typical at that age. Kill ‘em with kindness. Why don’t you ask her if she wants to go do something with you? Like getting lunch and nails or hair together etc. Work on building a bond with her and you’ll probably experience less of that. Right now, she’s probably only experiencing the reprimanding of a parent from you and not the affection and time that even a teenager still needs and desires from a parent.
My parents never divorced, but if they did and I acted that way I would be grounded and smacked then made to apologize and clean
I keep seeing advise here like he is a child u are the adult, he doesn’t know better, this one who knows better is also a child and a teenager going through alot her parents are no longer together. But has a younger brother who is 9 from her dad and stepmom yet she is still a baby:rofl:
at what point can children with divorced parents or with 1 parent present that remarries be taught good behavior and they stick to it?
Leave whenever she’s there. Go visit a friend, go shopping, go get your nails or hair done, go on a short trip. Her mom is behind the vitriol. Your husband is a weak man to not step up for you. I understand that she’s upset that her dad and mom aren’t in a traditional relationship but that’s no excuse to not be civil to you.
Is there any way you can completely ignore her when she visits? She’s going to continue to be obnoxious if your husband does not shut her down, demand she stop the attacks , and that she begin to show respect to you.
I’d personally record what she says or does and play that back to your husband. Don’t be obvious about recording her, don’t let her know. I do know that some states consider recording without consent inadmissible without consent but you are not going to use the recording for any legal claims. Your purpose for recording is to get your husband to wake up.
You might also get counselling and play back her comments to the therapist with your husband present in the therapy session.
Lastly, if your husband continues to ignore your requests, you are within your rights to demand that the snotty daughter not be allowed in your home. Tell your husband that when she visits, the snotty daughter and your husband can go and visit his parents or cousins or other relatives but that you are not going to take anymore abuse.
Do you have kids together? They are going to pick up on her disrespect and talking back. You should expect the, to do the same if you don’t shut her down or put your foot down.
Don’t be there when she is. Go to a friend’s house, go on a shopping spree spending your husband’s money, plan play dates for your kids etc. She can’t talk back if you’re not there.
People saying kids don’t feel the love believe me I’ve tried since they was a baby and still they act like I’m a stranger sometimes it’s the parent in secret creating these monsters and distance no matter what u do they still will have that distant feeling in the back of they mind so just act accordingly
Teenagers talk back, if you have a problem. Get a hotel when she’s there you whiny baby. Deal lord you sound more dramatic than you’re worth.
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Kaydence Clark not allowing the child to visit will make things worse. The father could have a court order visitation schedule? If so are you trying to get him to break his court order? Yes the father should deal with disrespect but what is causing the disrespect? Maybe the child has trouble expressing themselves? Maybe the step parent is being just as disrectful and not realizing it because they are going off they are the adult. Any step parent who feels like they don’t even want the child there is obviously projecting that and the kid will probably feel unwanted. And any step parent who is willing to say they don’t want their step there doesn’t deserve to be their step parent. There could be so much more to this and the poster really didn’t give enough information to give them good advice.
My own kids talk back… Good luck 
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Husband’s daughter? Ya I can tell your not invested… not enough info you sound like a caring step mom
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They are pushing buttons. Live with it. Or put stop to it… they are kids you are boss … unless there is danger then get out…
My husband daughter wow, maybe she can tell you really don’t want her. So she Doesn’t care either
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Sound like you need to build your relationship with her. Have a girls day and talk.
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My husband’s daughter? You obviously treat her as just that. Not your stepdaughter! Maybe you are the problem.
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My own 9 year old is back talking me. Girls are like that in that age, boys more wouldn’t talk to you at all.
It is your husband’s responsibility to descipline his daughter and set her straight, however you have a right to establish rules or boundaries when she is in your presence and home.
I mean if you don’t accept her as your own get out of the relationship, I’d hate to have a women who didn’t accept me or called me her husbands daughter 
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The husband is the problem not you! Secondly it’s not your place to correct or discipline her, that’s all on the father. Leave the issues you have to him to address and deal with, there’s no reason you should be stressing out getting disrespected by someone else’s child 
That is all teenagers. 
Her dad needs to correct her behavior.
Sounds like you haven’t excepted her and your lucky he isn’t telling you to do 1 no wonder she is dissrespectful to you as you seem like hard work
She isn’t your husband’s she is yo STEP child as in your child now yous are a family if you can’t except that and help and be there for her no wonder she is saying like don’t give me into trouble you aint my mum and back chatting tbh
Try a bit harder or leave the family
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Maybe both of you can work on handling feelings and respect in the right ways together? 
Well unfortunately at 16 that’s a problem in itself
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Dont all 16 year olds do that with everyone
All I can say is for me…… at 16 the rules of engagement have changed and that’s all I’ll say. Get a handle on it Sis.
She’ll never stop unless your husband demands it
If she’s on her way over… find an errand to run and leave. Tell your husband WHY you are going. Leave him to deal with her.
Kids are the deal breaker. It’s either yours or his if they aren’t yours together!!!
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That’s problem
He should care
United front. Get your husband on board. 16 year olds don’t run a house, the parents do.
Stand up for yourself ! Who’s the boss
Then your husband is the real.problem…
Ull b treated/spoke to the way u do to others so ask yerself why
The one paying the bills calls the shots.
Depends on what you mean by back talk. It’s reasonable for a 16 year old to do. You’re also not her parent.
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I can tell you that she’s prolly pissed that she has a step mom who refers to her as “my husbands daughter.” She probably doesn’t like your attitude toward her. Kids/teens pick up on vibes in the room. If you happen to be annoyed by her presence, I’m sure she’s going to pick up on it and feel like she did something wrong- maybe for just trying to explain something that you took as talking back. As a former teenage girl, we all talk back. Idk who didn’t, but yeah. It’s a time of a lot of emotions and figuring ourselves out. Try to be A FRIEND first, then secondary mother figure instead of just dads wife. If you dislike the girl so much, i’d recommend rethinking the relationship bc his daughter was there first. Point blank
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When she back talks, ignore her completely. If she talks back at breakfast, take her meal and tell her to make her own. If she back talks and needs a ride, don’t take her. Regardless of whose daughter she is, just treat her like you’d treat your own. If dad has an issue with it, then let him know he can handle everything having to do with her.
I’d probably talk back too if you referred to me in that manner. My fiance and I have been together for 5 years and he refers to all 5 of my kids as his and we aren’t even married!
I honestly don’t have much advice a part from 16 is a tricky age for a girl, but just stay firm on the respect level and continue to set boundaries.
Also, the people saying it’s wrong of her to acknowledge the child as her “husbands daughter” need to relax. If the child doesn’t want that relationship and isn’t trying to have a “step” parent, then it shouldn’t be forced. I know from personal experience if my moms (ex) husband acknowledged me as his “step daughter” or “daughter” I’d be livid, and maybe it’s the same situation. Just because she is acknowledging her for what she is, her husbands daughter, doesn’t mean she hasn’t accepted her and isn’t a motherly role model. Also, maybe this child has a mother and that’s a mutual understanding between all partners.
First off, I’d change my verbiage. She’s your bonus daughter, and you should try and ignore the back talk. 16 is mouthy! Try to reinforce positive behaviors. If she’s being snarky walk away. Ignore it. She’s obviously loving getting a rise outa you. That’s why she keeps doing it. Plain and simple don’t play her games.
Yes it will be hard. But your the adult. So choose your battles. If she’s not down right aggressive disrespectful or name calling,
Tone it out. Otherwise Dad needs to step up and handle the rest. If he see no issue, you shouldn’t either. This will cause problems in your marriage and that’s exactly what most 16 yr are attempting especially when t bb ey don’t like you.
Have you ever tried talk to her about the behavior 
took her out for an afternoon of girl time to chat over nails and lunch? If not give it a shot.
Talk to him about it first so he can be on the same page maybe he can have a talk with her or you can both have a talk with her about respect.
Just because she’s your “husbands daughter” as you refer to her as, the way you reference her tells a lot about you, I will also say this is your husbands problem because I would never marry anyone who didn’t accept my child and he should reflect on that before he loses his child for good, evil step parents are a thing and they ruin relationships all the time
Gotta let dad deal with her at all times! And i mean ALL times! I also have a 16 yr old step daughter… But he has a 18 yr old step son( from me)
Depends on what your relationship is like. How long dad and you have been together. How you treat and talk to her
If backchatting is the biggest problem from. 16 yr old you’re getting off lightly
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Sit her down with dad & set boundaries. & consiquenses
Start leaving and don’t come back until she’s gone he will get tired of that
She’s 16, you are not her Mom & her time there is not for you. You are her dad’s wife, & she does not have to accept you if she merely visits & does not reside there.
You knew going in he had a previous child & time with him would be split. As a teen child she is not obligated to spend it with you because he is with you.
That being said, there is no place for rudeness or hateful behavior even if she doesn’t like you. If she visits in your home, she does need to be respectful while there.
In the same, you do not need to tell her what to do. She’s capable of taking care of herself, so go about your routine & leave her to see her father as they see fit.
Limit your time there when she’s there. Go out & do nice things for yourself & pay no attention to what they have going on. Sucks it’s gotta be that way, but that’s what this teen has chosen & unfortunately in this relationship she comes before you until adulthood. Stick it out peacefully or leave now.
I can almost guarantee it’s because you talk to her like she isn’t your own and disrespectful
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Idk…have you tried bonding with her at all? Maybe take her shopping and out to eat or you let her pick a movie to go see together…something?
One thing that could put her off if you are trying,right after she comes over,to tell her what to do. Since you are the step parent,you get to be the lucky one that could win her over by trying to be her friend and just hanging out with her. Maybe even allow her to have friends over and stuff and be the cool parent. This is how i am as an aunt. Lol.
I spoil my nieces and try to just chill over a movie and bond when they are here or take them out somewhere. If a friend wants to come over,hang,spend the night…i go get them. Try that.
Chiiiiiiiiilllllllllleeeee all I can say is you’re better than me
Too little info
Are you one of those that demands respect just because you’re old?
She’s 16
‘My husband’s daughter’ doesn’t sound like you’re into building a family.
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Nothing because you can’t she’s 16 she’s no gonna listen to either of you
Make him care !!!