My husbands family hasn't been seeing our kids

I’m in need of advice.My kids dad passed away in 2018.Well ever since he passed on his parents have been a up and down roller coaster when it comes to mine and his kids.Sometimes they want them around when it’s a major holiday or when they want to look good in front of people other times it’s dead silent on them asking for the kids.Well their uncle from California came down to visit this week.Of course their grandma made a huge ordeal of making sure we had no plans and to make no plans on doing anything.Well here it is Thursday and I hadn’t heard nothing from them .So i called her and she responded that she hadn’t forgotten she would try to get them this evening.At 7 I hadn’t heard from her and sent a semi nice texting saying I’m sorry but it’s getting to late and the kids were getting ready for bed but they would have loved to see everyone and she responds that things happened an they didn’t have room in vehicles. She lives 15 minutes from me and could have easily asked for me to drop them off for awhile.I feel like they only want my kids around when it’s a oh look at what a awesome grandma situation and other times they don’t care about them.Maybe I’m over thinking but advice on how you would handle this would be amazing.

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husbands family hasn't been seeing our kids

I’m sorry about your husband and I’m sorry this is happening to you. But forget them. They’re the ones missing out, I would let it be known how I feel and then never speak to them again. Anyone who wants to see or be apart of their lives with make the effort :woman_shrugging:t2:

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Nope. Not over reacting. Kids arent there for convenience! May be time to just cut ties altogether since virtually no effort has been made in about 4 years. Sorry you are dealing with this situation. Prayers for you and those precious kiddos.

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If they want to be involved let them . You don’t need to be trying to keep them involved. Time will tell when the kids get folder they can decide if they want to peruse a relationship

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Over thinking, they’re grandparents, not parents. They have lives, issues of their own. Things happen, people show up late, it’s life… They want them there for family events, that’s more than a lot of grandparents do… You can’t force someone to be the type of parent or grandparent you expect them to be, let them be the grandparents they are, not what you expect.

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I wouldn’t worry nor wait on them! Go on with your own plans with your children.

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They ask to see them so that they feel better. I’ve been through this also. You need to not stress it and not worry about it.

Make plans for you, your babies, your family. If the kids are free when they ask, cool. If not, oh well. Don’t put your plans on hold or cancel your plans to accommodate them. Also, don’t bad mouth that side of the family to your children. Just like with an absent parent, kids learn in their own time who is there for them and who isn’t. So worry about you and yours, and don’t stress others.

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Have a talk with her explain yours and the kids feelings. Then tell her your kids will not be treated this way. Your either in or out so step up or just go away. Her son their father would be appalled at their behavior. Stick up for the kids they have been through a lot they lost their dad at young ages. Yes she lost her son but they lost their and you lost your husband :heart:

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How old are the kids ? do they personally ask to see that side of the family ? My mom n step dad have nothing to do with my kids (15, 3 & 2) my mom hasn’t ever had anything to do with my little 2… if your kids don’t ask for them, I wouldn’t even mention them :woman_shrugging:t4: like I told my mom… they can’t miss who they don’t know

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I would ask the kids what they would like to do.

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I dealt with this and ended up cutting contact because of how toxic my ex’s family is. It sucks especially when you are trying to include them but sometimes “ghosting” is the best way to go. But, kids need to come first and it sounds like you’re right about the family basically using them. It’s not fair to the kids.

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Don’t ever change your plans for them, plain and simple. If you feel your on a roller coaster, think how they feel. They need stability, and if they can’t budge to participate in their lives, that is on them. Not you! Now if you don’t already have something going on, then sure say yes and do the wait and see…other then that sorry not sorry. You tried and they failed not you. I am sorry for your loss and hope all goes well for you and your children.

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I understand that you may want them in your kids life but you don’t have to if you don’t want to especially if they’re inconsistent with seeing them. You need to do what’s best for the children in the end and having people come and go from their life isn’t what’s best for them honestly

Nobody is obligated to include your kids except for you.

Sorry to read this, my husband also passed away in 2018 and his family have been useless.
His parents are upset with me as I moved on too quickly and despite them giving me their blessing saw a picture of me “looking too happy” on Facebook with my head too close to another man 8 months after he died.
Since then they haven’t spoken to me, they barely talk to my children and never make the effort to come and see us, they’ve said that they’ll never set foot in my town again and I’m not welcome in their house :woman_shrugging:t3:. They live 4 hrs drive away and we used to stay at each other’s houses for a few days at a time, now, nothing.

I’ve done some research within widow charities and sadly this is quite common, so I’ve decided to just get on with life without them. The kids and I are fine and I have my own amazing group of friends and family, so that’s what matters!

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Stop catering to them. Make your plans and if they decide to want to see them tell them sorry we have plans. Never force anyone to be in your kids life. Your kids are better without them if that’s how they act.

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It’s very sad when that happens. I wouldn’t count on them making any great effort to see your kids. I don’t know as I would try to explain it to the kids. They are noticing this and will form their own opinions. The best thing I can suggest is that you should do all you can to keep memories of their father alive. I’m sure they want to remember him. At holiday time, keep them busy with your own traditions and don’t try to figure your husband’s family into the mix. Their loss. Try to keep your family active in their lives and family friends, too, can be like family. I know everyone is hurting from your loss. My condolences. Hold on and keep the home fires burning.

Sorry for your loss and what you and your kids are going through. I would cut my losses. If they don’t try to be in their lives, don’t try make them. It’s their loss not your kids

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No, that’s pathetic of them honestly. I wouldn’t even push their relationship. I get it, a break would be nice for you now and then, but if they don’t want to be in their life then don’t force it. That’s how I feel. Unless you ASK to see my children, then it’s not happening, unless I actually need it to happen or they ask me to ask.

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Personally, I’d stop going out of my way. I’d tell them they schedules & let it be. If they wanted to see them, they could have. It’s not on you.

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Ignore them and go about your days. No point in wasting days hoping they’ll follow through. Go do what you need to do or take your kids to do fun stuff. Or do holidays with YOUR family. If she pops up last minute wanting a change of plans say NO. If it is scheduled on a day then ask her for a specific time. Anything 30-45 minutes after that time consider the engagement no longer valid and go about your day. That gives her time to give notice if an issue came up or for her to show up. Period.

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No way, all in or all out. No in between. Kids don’t need the heartache. Especially being 15 mins away, there’s no excuse. Don’t go out of your way for them.

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My dad died when my siblings and I were just kids. My dad wasn’t even on good terms with everyone before he passed and my grandparents still took the time and money to spend with us growing up. We lived in a completely different province too. So sad to say, his family isn’t interested in your kids even though I know you want that for them. Grandparents want to be involved even after the death of their child (it’s been a couple years already for them). They’re not the only ones that had to grieve. I’d cut them off personally.

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It’s called basic respect, she shouldn’t expect you to drop everything to wait around incase she might show up. If anything she should be making double damn sure she keeps those plans since those kids have already lost their dad, why would she want them to feel unwanted? It’s not hard to keep your word and respect people’s time. I would just gracefully back away and not tell kids about any plans in the future until you are getting in the car to drop them off to avoid disappointment.

Do not try to force any relationship, just allow them to see them when they want but do not change your plans to accommodate them, and do not put your stuff on hold neither

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Maybe send her a text and tell her that the kids would love to see her more consistently , without an occasion or event, and her presence is important in thier lives especially since thier dad is gone….and that you would love to facilitate that by dropping them off or arranging availability to her. Let her know first before getting upset.

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I told my kids grand’s if my kids can’t be full time in your life then it’s a no time bc the kids don’t understand it’s not fair to the kids…instead of spending more time with my kids they just ghosted them. It’s sad but at least I didn’t have to explain to my kids why their being treated like that and soon the kids will quit asking.

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Sorry to hear about your husband’s passing, but unfortunately I wouldn’t put my life on hold for them, make sure you and the kids are happy and mentally doing well and move forward. You can’t sit around waiting for his parents to step up. Make plans, if they call and want to do something, especially last minute, tell them your sorry but the kids have already got plans.

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If they don’t bother, don’t force them to. My son’s dad and that side of his family don’t bother to check up on him. So I don’t force anything. My son doesn’t ask about them nor about his dad. Sometimes you’re better off cutting people off, than you are letting them invade your life. And for them to dictate your family plans is ridiculous. Stand your ground as the mama and block their numbers. His family called me a terrible mother and other colorful names so they’re all blocked. Also, I’m sorry for your loss :pleading_face:. I hope things ease up for you and your children 🥲:heart:

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Do what you feel is best.

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I would just cut all ties with them. If your kids are old enough to realize what kind of grandparents/ uncles/aunts/cousins they have & how they are treated by them then your kids should have a say if they want to go spend time with their father’s people. If they’re not old enough, be their voice & put your foot down because this could hurt your kids in the long run. You can’t force family to love or see your kids if they don’t want to. You have to protect your kids from toxic family members

Another good idea is to plan a fun trip around the holidays that way them missing them later on wont be as hard sometimes as parents we do need to protect our children form wayward people unfortunately for u it is them the old saying stands in all situations if they want to bad enough they will find the time and not just at holidays so i would plan a fun little trip go visit a friend or ur side of the family donot let them control ur life or ur kids u control the situation and make life the best it can be for them

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I live by the rule “treat people how they treat you”. Stop trying to force a relationship. Stop texting, stop reaching out etc and if and when she reaches out to, make some ridiculous excuse like “sorry we can’t, I’d like the sky to be a little bluer first”

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Honestly my mother in law is a piece of work herself. All my inlaws live in NJ & we live in NC. Our son is now 16 yrs old. In 16yrs she has never once sent him a birthday card, Christmas card or any kind of gift. Not so much as even a phone call and she has always had our numbers. Has never came to see him or spend time with him. I’ve got into it with her several times over the matter and as I expressed to both of our families I’m not begging anyone to be in our son’s life. If your there great if not it’s your loss not ours or his. I’ve been trying to get along with this woman for 19yrs because of my husband and our son. But as I told them both I am done. My son has came to me before asking why she doesn’t like him and I keep telling him it’s not him it’s her problem. She only cares and are only there for her 2 grand daughters and does nothing for the grandson’s. We have 1 child and it’s a boy and he is the oldest and she does absolutely nothing for him. So my son has come to me and telling me he doesn’t want anything to do with her so protecting my son I stopped all communication from her to him. She still talks to my husband when it suits her but I’m done letting her hurt my child. We went to visit a few years ago before covid hit and I was bringing our 2 nieces back for a few wks during the summer. She gave them girls each $60 right infront of my son and didn’t give him anything. It’s not even about the money I got my boy forever on whatever he needs but it’s the fact she done it infront of him and didn’t even acknowledge or even care she done it with him sitting there. I love my son and to watch ppl continue to hurt him and not even care is what I have a problem with. I don’t care if he was 5 , 16, or even 50 he is my boy and I will protect him forever. Don’t let the toxic ppl like that hurt your kids and if that’s how they want to be then guess what seems like your kids are better off without them.

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Wow! That’s horrible of them!!

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My husband is very much a live and his family doesn’t make any effort to see our children. All you can do is just not push the issue the kids will know who is part of their lives and who is not. My children do not even miss my in laws

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Your not over thinking
You make what you want happen
Or you make an excuse

My husband’s dad doesn’t bother to see our daughter I got tired of trying and we don’t see him I’m not playing that only when I look good only hurts the kids they would not ever see them

I dont think it’s OK regardless to just flake out on the kids and show up when they say are going too. I went through simular with my own and it hurt them tremendously to be forgotten about, be understanding but also protect the kids.

My kids father side doesn’t do anything for my kids. The baby is one and side family never seen the baby and he going on two

What I need to ask is , are you there when the kids are there? Or are you expecting to drop and go. I mean we don’t live far from my parents but everyone has a life of their own and my parents are getting older and to take on kids “often” is an issue. When my mom baby sits we make an effort not to take advantage and pick our daughter up straight from work. We aren’t dropping the baby of and going out or having dates. So how often do you want them with the grandparents and the extended family? Bc there’s are times we go weeks with out seeing anyone…

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Be honest with them discuss your feelings then if they behave the same stay away

You can’t make people want to be a grandparent. I would just not try to make an effort honestly. It’s their loss.

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I feel like you’re taking it too personal. They lost a child as well as you and your kids losing a husband/father. Everyone grieves in their own way. It might be hard for them to be around the kids at the moment. And things do happen, I’m sure she wasn’t purposely trying to do that to you. Try not to put so much thought I to who isn’t there or what effort they are putting out. All that matters is you’re there for them

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I’d personality cut them off. You will do more harm to your kids mental health with those who come around when it’s convenient for them. Don’t ever force a relationship on your kids when they’ve made it clear how they feel. I’m so sorry to hear about your husband. :pleading_face:

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Don’t force it. They’re missing out on some great kids I bet.

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Stop all contact and let them be the ones chasing but by your rules, i chased my outlaws for years to keep contact between them and the children, when my kids reached 16 and 15 i stopped, and teenagers being teenagers they didnt contact the grandparents so all contact stopped, not a damn thing from the grandparents, it really made my piss boil, when my son did eventually ring his grandma told him grandad had passed away months before but my children clearly wasnt worth a phone call, i wasted so many years being the go between and it was all in vain

I would have a serious conversation with them. Let them know that your kids come first and you’re not gonna work around them anymore, if they can’t keep in contact with you if something goes wrong and plans change. It’s disrespectful to you and your kids.

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My side of the family hasn’t seen my kids in 2 years. If they can’t respect me then why will they treat my kids any different. I don’t play games when it comes to my babies.

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Quit taking is so personally. Let it be. They don’t need to do a certain amount to be a grandparent. My dad sucks as a grandparent, IN MY EYES, but he thinks he is a great one. And he loves them and cares, that’s all that matters.

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cut them out. dads not around anymore. they obviously dont care. ignore them when they call. :woman_shrugging:t2:

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Do what you feel is best for your kids, and their mental health. Have a heart 2 heart with them telling them how you feel. Grief is tough for everyone, maybe the children remind them of their deceased son?

Stop :stop_sign: trying to force them to care! As your kids get older they will see for themselves and one day confront their Grandparents so just protect them from always being hurt :cry: and disappointment and avoid encounters with them! Their the ones who is missing out and will live to regret the choices they made!

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l ­g­e­t­ ­p­a­i­d­ o­v­­e­r $ 140 p­er hour working from home. l never thought I’d be able to do it but my buddy makes $ 16610 a month doing this and she convinced me to try. The possibility with this is endless.

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Tell them that they are either all in or all out.
This could affect your kids

Maybe ask her if you guys can set a regular schedule like every third weekend it’s grandmas weekend that way time don’t get away from her. Also you may have to consider the fact that everyone grieving process is different she may look at the kids and see her son doing the same thing and can’t control her emotions yet. You don’t know unless you ask how she is feeling and feels you being genuine

If this don’t work go about you life and leave them out of yours

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l ­g­e­t­ ­p­a­i­d­ o­v­­e­r $ 140 p­e­r­ ­h­­­­o­u­­­­­r­ working from home. l never thought I’d be able to do it but my buddy makes $ 16064 a month doing this and she convinced me to try. The possibility with this is endless.

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Maybe they see him in them and they don’t want to go through the pain of seeing him in them still living. Just stop texting or calling them. When and if they want to see your kids they will. When my mom divorced my bio dad, none of his family came to nothing for me or my one sister. They always had an excuse for not to come. So my mom didn’t invite them didn’t tell them anything and I still don’t have contact with them, on the other hand my sister does which is fine because I don’t want anything to do with them.

Tell them that they are all in or all out.

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Cut them out!

Toxic narcissists.

If they can’t see them on the weekends or make time for them on a normal day, they don’t deserve them any other time

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I’d stop sending the kids over there.

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That seems to be a thing with a lot of family memebers these days … I have special needs children and have family members that do that and don’t make much of an effort to be honest … I told my husband I would rather have no relationship with them at all then to watch my kids goo through it over and over again

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This could affect your kids. Now they were probably thinking they would see uncle and Grandma and now it didn’t happen. Cut them off if they can’t be all in or only in when it’s convenient.

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I would look at it from your kids perspective. If they have an opportunity to see their grandparents they should. It doesnt hurt to have a conversation with them, but it could have something to do with their grieving process, or some other reason you wont know if you dont ask. Perhaps a schedule or how you handled this one, keep it up. If they dont let you know in a reasonable amount of time the kids arent necessarily available. In the end its not about you or them its about the kids. They are learning lots about the kind of people they are. And the kids have a right to know the family, if its possible. Complicated situation.

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Don’t send them when she wants them.tell her u already have plans

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You can’t force people into your children’s lives. Don’t dwell on it too much. If they don’t ask don’t show up.

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Honestly I would ask to have a conversation with the grandparents alone. Explain how you are feeling and that you would love them to be more involved for the kids sake. If things don’t change after the conversation I would still let them see the kids but I wouldn’t bend over backwards for it to happen. If things don’t change the kids won’t have that closeness and will eventually take themselves out of the grandparents lives.

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In the future maybe don’t tell the kids a visit is happening and make it a surprise if they show up… It’s pretty pathetic of them if they only live 15 minutes away.

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A loving grandparent would never be that way. What a selfish nasty grandma. I take my grandkids whenever I can if my grandkids lost their father my husband and I would step up and spend as much time with them as we could especially if they lived 15 minutes away. I wouldn’t give them the opportunity to hurt your kids anymore

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My MIL and most of my husband’s family live within 5 miles of us, and only show up on birthdays or to drop other kids off :woman_shrugging: I am not going out of my way to make sure my kids know who their grand are. My oldest son calls his grandpa “that old man over there” :sweat_smile: the kids know they mean the world to us. People make time for what they love most. Don’t force connections. If they come they come if not then that’s on them.

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I would stop pursuing them

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Not take my kids over there because if they don’t try then why should you? It’s not your fault or your kids if they don’t have a relationship with their grandparents I had the very same problem and my kids grandparents haven’t seen them in 2 years

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My grandson other grandparents suck🤷 His mom passed when he was two. They are about 15 mins away and they see him like 3 times a year🤦🤦

Kick them to the curb.

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l talk to them about it and see what they say and then decide what to do

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You can’t force people to be involved nor would I make modifications to your life to fit their needs. My kids father passed 3 years ago, she did my daughters bday party like 2 weeks after the funeral and literally hadn’t had much communication until I reached out to see if she wanted to see them before we moved out of state.

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Too bad for grandma, I would just ignore her and let her decide what she wants. IF you and your children are available,fine. If not, tell her sorry - we are busy - but would have loved to see everyone. We need some advanced planning as we are involved in several things.

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Don’t even bother with them

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I would not pursue anyone to connect with your kids. Don’t build your life around their demands when they suddenly get the itch to show off in front of other by getting your kids. Sometimes it’s best to accept the truth that some folk are just the way they are. If it was a priority to her she would have made it work or at the very least notified you early that she was not coming, rude as heck to leave you hanging like that. I’d never tell the kids a visit was taking place until the woman is at the door then she can be the one waiting on them given her history. Btw I am a grandma too. Mom of 5. Couldn’t imagine doing that crap to my grandsons.

You can just continue to leave the door open if they want to see the kids. And do your part to help make that happen when you can. But I wouldn’t get the kids hopes up or expect it.

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What you allow is what will continue.

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I cut them out… sorry not sorry… my kids are my priority. People who come and go and are in reach arena f’n joke!
My kids have what they need from the few in our circle that truly love them and go out of their way for them.

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If the kids do not mind IWOULD FORGET THEM .

Aww Clair I’m really sad to hear this :disappointed: xx

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I wouldn’t even bother with them :woman_shrugging:t2: Anytime they mention a visit just tell them you’re busy. My sons fathers parents (ex-husband) have never met my son and he’s almost 14. Not even 1 birthday card ever. Screw them, it’s easier not to have them around instead of having them set things up and then let the kids down when they don’t show up.

Stop letting them do this to you! They could be hurt or still hurting or May be these grand parents that say they raised their kids

Let them see the kids when they want to make the effort. You don’t want to be the one with holding a relationship between them and your kids. Just don’t go out of your way to arrange anything

My dad always said “Not all family is blood, not all blood is family” :woman_shrugging: love is a two way street. Can’t be you putting in effort and them putting in none. Guaranteed after the unfortunate death of their son, they felt no obligation to those kids or you since he is no longer around (this is an opinion) :disappointed: Stop taking them over only when it benefits them and wait to see if they catch on. My grandmother never made an effort for us kids after my mom died and we moved states over. Not even phone calls. Now, in adulthood, she gets little of my attention, if any. It’ll all come back around to the grandparents if they don’t choose to be more involved. Never let them blame it on you either. I have plenty of family saying I don’t call or visit enough. These are the same people who haven’t visited or given me a single call in years.

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Sounds like they want the look at me attention and put on a fake show to friends. My mother is like that. I cut her out 6 years ago and I made the mistake of talking to her again. I hoped she had changed but her actions showed that she did not. I cut her from our lives again after 6 months of talking to her. I’m not even sorry. I do not have time for someone who wants to be an actress instead of a parent and a grand parent.